For how long must she wait?
Is eternity not enough?
What awful man have you become
To burden such a beauty?
I vituperate you! Poisonous promises
Should ne'er infect such gracious sacrifice!
I'm baffled by the consistent and unfailing loyalty
She has gratuitously shown.
But what of you? Nothing?
Shameful, monstrous, demeritorious.
You've proven unworthy and deceitful.
Yet, the angel she is loves you more each day.
Oh! I think it impossible
For thou to descend any lower
As both a person and a nuisance.
For thou hath controlled me long enough!
What swayed me to bestow
Upon you such reign?
Know this, I do not know;
The act was insane.
But of this distorted pain,
Since you've proved to be no help,
Go back to from whence you came.
Former version of myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hey, yo, AceOfPayds! Rich Homie Strange on this wonderful Friday afternoon and I have a review for you!
Gonna say this because why not. If I say anything that offends you or rubs you the wrong way, it's unintentional. I don't have something against you, I don't hate life. It's how I view the work, and if I'm not a fan of it, I'm going to explain why. Not going to beat around the bush or anything. Okay? Okay.
You are my age, that's my problem. When I first saw the title of this poem, my negativity got the best me. Still has. We are young, if you make a stupid mistake, use that to build your character. It's near about nonsense to disown something that has built yourself so far. Live with mistakes. I have. You have. You never changed. You were always still yourself. Also the delivery of this was underwhelming so I'll go into depth. Let's get into this, shall we?
Now, I know that you don't talk about whether this is based off of real life or not in the poem itself, but you talked about it in the bio. So, I'm going to use that as a driving point. If you are a sixteen year old in 2016, you should relate to the audience. Say things that other teens feel the same about. That's how you grab emotion. Instead, you go faux-antique-language. It weighs down what you can actually do. That's one of the bigger problems I have with this.
I...I... you're overdoing it. A lot of the language that you use overdoes itself. It's grand, self loathing, and out there. If I could suggest something, it's to either change the language or calm down what you are actually saying.
Never heard this word before. It could be because of my ignorance, apologies, but this is sounding poetic for the sake of sounding poetic.
This I kind of like. It's a Victorian-Era self loathing party. It's not too common to see this in any work. It has charm, and it's funny. It doesn't sound like it's intended to be, but this made me laugh. Not in a bad way, either. I don't know, this part was kind of effective.
"real talk"; she would have left you if you turned into a random jerk. Unless "she dat loyal", then keep her.
Another compliment of sorts to wrap up this review. You held a consistent flow that didn't fumble or anything. Which is impressive, especially considering your word choice. That being said, the word choice was only effective once before it got dry. They started to feel and look like fancy words with nothing really behind them. Only to make it ridiculous as possible. Not saying the poem is ridiculous, but you get what I'm trying to say.
Overall, this has room for improvement. It was an interesting choice combining all these qualities, but if you were to take a different approach, you could possibly take it farther. Experiment with what you can do. Most importantly, have fun. If you don't have fun, the reader isn't going to have fun.
Keep writing and stay groovy!
Dude this poem is amazing!
The thought you put into this is significantly seen and I applaud you for your flawless and fluent way in which you used diction and rhyme. The rhyme scheme was done perfectly without seeming forced and it was essential for the self anger that the persona seemed to feel.
The love you (or the persona) feels for this girl was clearly seen by the diction which was intricately weaved with the self hatred and thus managed to create awesome imagery.
My personal favorite line is 'Shameful, monstrous, demeritorious.' because it captured the emotions perfectly and also there was when I realized that you were giving the former you a whole different identity, this infact led perfectly to the ending.
Kudos man
Hey, Hunith here
===========
first of all, i like your poem. it's simplicity is splendid.
but here's one thing i think you should look at.
Here:
well, as you can see, you started off nicely with a more
modern tone. i've underlined my issue
But Then Look at this:
do you see those? you were mixing old English with new.
i think that for a poem, you should stick to one diction.
personally, i loved the old English, and i think your work
would have been even better - more dramatic for that matter
if you had stuck to it from the beginning instead of mixing it up.
apart from that, i think your words paint very clear scenarios.
good work!
signing out
=======
Nice. you have brought out the emotions.
I love the poem and I love you