Bred and born with evil inside.
Be rest assured that your flesh will decide,
Who or what you devour next.
Nothing seems the same anymore.
You laugh and live but love is no more.
Now your heart is more complex.
With a hardened heart and a burden of stone,
Your dreams and hopes make a mind of their own.
So they leave you with no warning.
But then comes a friend who soothes your strife.
They tell you that there is more to life
Than depression and endless mourning.
So you grow with this friend,
And you both start to tend
To the other's broken heart.
And you want to say you love them,
But there's no way you can say it.
The song was written down,
But the musician can't play it.
You get so mad at all the little things,
That time speeds up and your ears start to ring,
Because you start to see how stupid you are
To be reaching out to someone who is way too far.
You calm down and settle on this word called "love"
And contemplate on the meaning of.
You thought you knew
A word or two
But now you realize
That what you had
Is now a fad
And the "I love you"s were all lies.
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140,344 Literary Works • 673,117 Reviews
Possibly one of my favorite poems on YWS. I don't favor much, but this earns a spot.
I'm in love with the choice of words you chose and how you showed of an impact you used with them, and how the emotions were carried out with those words!
Hello, AceofPayds! It's Artemis28 here for Review Day. Happy Review Day, by the way!
)
Okay, first of all, there are two lines I'm confused with. "Be rest assured" should just be "Rest assured," because that "Be" is unnecessary. Also, the line after that makes no sense to me. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, because I don't mean that in a bad way, but I don't know what you're saying. I suggest that you fix the wording to something clearer.
"Be rest assured that your flesh will decide,
Who or what you devour next."
I really like the whole idea of the poem! The rest of it was amazing. I think the story behind this was very interesting and you expressed it very well. Overall, I would rate you an 8/10, because I feel you could've wrote it a bit better in the beginning, but you still did wonderful. Good job and keep writing, AceofPayds! (And sorry for the short review.
-Artemis28
I really like this. I like the emotion that is evokes and how it really shows you how the narrator feels.
The only things that I would change are possibly who the narrator is talking about or to. I also noticed that the feeling the tone of it changed about half way through, I would recommend that you just make that a slightly better transition. Besides that I really liked it, and the emotion that it has.
Hello Ace, Gladdy here to give you a quality review, eh?
The first thing I noticed was the shape of your lines. It's important to shape your lines as to make them close to the same size. This is important because your poem needs to look neat to attract more readers. Plus, it looks so much better than words scattered about the page crazily.
Another thing: separate the poem into stanzas. It goes a long way and makes it look much neater. It may not seem like such a big deal but you'll regret it in the future if you don't correct it now!
This line does not suit a period as it is more of a sentence fragment rather than an actual completed sentence. Try a comma instead, and watch for the correct punctuation!
I was intrigued with the poem until I reached this line. It seems very weak and unnecessary. Try and reword it or take it out. But it would be better to reword it or change the sentence to something else.
You used the word "heart" in the previous line which makes things a little repetitive.
I want to give you kudos for these two lines, very well said (or typed, rather)!
The previous lines were warming me up for what I thought was going to be a magnificent ending, but this is weak. You really need to nail that ending and this disappointed me a bit, that may just be me.
I did like this poem you've presented here, but I feel that the rhyme scheme was a bit mixed up and at some points you didn't use it when you were supposed to. And other times there were weak lines.
But that can be easily fixed with a thesaurus and a good check-over before you publish.
Have a nice day
~Gladdy
Hello there,
This is really sad, yet very well written! Your word choice is optimal and the way you place "love" and "hardened heart" "burden of stone" was great.
I especially like the couplet saying, "The song was written down, But the musician can't play it." That was just amazing and well placed.
Keep up the great work!!!
Hello there,
This is really sad, yet very well written! Your word choice is optimal and the way you place "love" and "hardened heart" "burden of stone" was great.
I especially like the couplet saying, "The song was written down, But the musician can't play it." That was just amazing and well placed.
Keep up the great work!!!