You're the kind of girl that sets my heart on fire,
But I like the scorching pain
I'm the kind of guy who's heart is barb-wired
To keep you from going insane
Maybe there's a way to show you how I feel
Maybe you'll feel the same
These feelings I have are too much to conceal
They're way too much to contain.
It's mutual insanity everywhere I look.
The paths look all the same, but you're the one I took.
If you ever need me, I'll be there in double-time.
If loving you's illegal, then I'm convicted of a crime.
I'm searching for a backbone, longing for a friend.
Tryin' to write a song, a song that has no end.
Consider me a follower. I'm subservient to you.
My head is on replay, and it's stuck on you.
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140,344 Literary Works • 673,117 Reviews
First of all, This poem was magnificent. Not only did you talk about your feelings for this unknown girl but you demonstrate how wonderful it would be to have a guy devoted to them like you described in this poem. It's nice to think that out there in this world, there are still guys left just like you.
My favorite lines in this poem were when you said:
"If you ever need me, I'll be there in double-time.
If loving you's illegal, then I'm convicted of a crime."
Wow, those are some strong things to tell yourself. They are so meaningful and deep that I think anybody who reads it will be brought back to a memory or certain time in their life, whether good or bad. Being able to make the reader think back on events in their own life can be a challenging thing to do but in my opinion, it is what makes a great eriter.
Keep going on writing, you're doing great!
Truly magnificent! You are the Mozart of this generation! Look forward to seeing more of you in the future!
Ello there, Maddie here for a poem review!
Right off the bat I have one thing to say to you; kudos. It takes a lot to get me into a lyrical poem, especially one about the oh so lovely theme of "LOVE" *Draws heart in the air*
But in all honestly, I think you wrote this very well. I like that you made it rhyme, I caught onto the AABB styling by stanza two and I'm very impressed that you were able to keep it going throughout the entire piece.
AND THANK YOU GOD, YOU HAVE METER. I don't remember the last time I read a rhyming poem that had accurate meter. But, here it is, well done and thank you lord, it flows.
Now, for the actual narrative, I like the idea of crazed love, with you being kinda insane when it comes to her, but still sane enough that you can keep each other in check. Honestly, I don't think there's a better way to really describe love lol
It's kinda crazy, makes you stupid, but in the end, it's that love that keeps you grounded to Earth. Well, unless it's like the first month of dating, at that point you're in happy land and won't look at reality. But, besides that! This is a very accurate, and actually adorable writing about a love between two people. I like it.
Well, that's about all I have to say! Great job, great piece, and I hope I get to see more from you in the future!
Keep writing and keep being awesome!
~Maddie
Hello there! Luata here for a review! I'm sorry if this review comes across a bit harsh, you have a good idea going, but the wording is a bit...awkward. Now I am not trying to make this work my own as I recognize you may have chosen the words you did for a purpose so please take my suggestions with a grain of salt! Feel free to use what you like and ignore what you don't. Anyway, onward and upward!
I would assume you are following an abab rhyme scheme, so following that pattern, please, allow me to rewrite. Once again, ignore if you dislike my rewrite, use it if you like it! Anyway, I would rewrite as follows:
You're the kind of girl that sets my on fire
But I like the scorching pain
I'm the kind of guy who's heard it barb-wire
To keep you from the insane
Personally, this stanza feels really awkward in reading this. The first two lines are good, but when you hit the last two lines, "I hope you don't find me lame" kind of interrupts the flow. I would suggest rewording the last line, nixing the word "lame" and replacing it with something else, that word just doesn't fit with the overall vocabulary you were using throughout the poem.
Stanza three looks pretty good, but I agree with felistia in saying some of your rhymes do indeed seem a bit forced, especially in stanza three, but at the same time I can see why you did what you did and I am guilty of the same mistake so I cannot fault you for that.
Stanza four is also good, but the word "subservient" once more, interrupts the flow, I would suggest using a word with a bit less connotation attached to it.
Overall, good poem! I look forward to see more writing from you.
Write on
~Luata
I changed the "I hope you don't find me lame."
Hi AceOfPayds, Felistia here with a short review on your poem.
First welcome to YWS, I hope you like it here.
I really like this poem, it has a nice flow to it and for the most part the words are colourful. I like the story you wove into the poem. I love the rhymes you have in here and how half way through you change the pattern.
I do have some nit-picks though. Some of the rhymes feel a little forced like in the like (I hope you don't find me lame) The word (lame) is lame to me. The end rhyme is a little of a disappointment since you didn't really have a rhyme.
Other than that though the poem is a pleasure to read and I look forward to more of your work. I hope you have a great day\night.