Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Narrative

E - Everyone Mature Content

It Belongs To Me, Only Me

by ACHU


The throttle is with you conjoined lagoon
And, you all are squeezing out relentlessly
To make me hedonistic;
I thought myself to be lack lustrous
Contrastingly, you uncovered this soul from ‘Incoherent’ me.
Ever it trenches my memoir:
Making me feel –‘Born-new’.
I nay and vow for such a mirth by you all.
(To the limpid bosoms who assimilated me by their extravagance in all)


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
695 Reviews


Points: 5608
Reviews: 695

Donate
Sun May 26, 2013 11:46 pm
Audy wrote a review...



Hey Achu

Normally I like experimental poetry, but I'm not a fan of the bolding words. Through careful line breaks and placement of words, you should be able to add emphasis to the words you wish to add emphasis to without having to bold them D: it's like you're trying to tell us how to read your poem, and I don't think readers want that.

I actually wrote an article about emphasis and line breaks that you are welcomed to read here.

Now, that being said, I'm not sure what to make of this. All of those words are a mouthful and they are especially confusing, the premise/concept that you're writing about is not quite clear either. You want to make sure that you write with enough conviction and authority to get the point that you want to make across to your readers, but you also don't want to sacrifice clarity for anything. I think a lot of poems want to have that edge of mystery, but the problem with that is that if you're not careful, it can really confuse the reader and you lose clarity.

Actually, it seems like you picked up a thesaurus and then chose random words to replace more ordinary/clearer ones o.o The words just don't mesh.

Poetry is communication after all. And if you can't communicate to your readers, then you have a lot of work to do. But! I do love some of the images that you have here, the limpid blossoms and the lagoons/memoirs make for a very soft sort of portrayal of this relationship.

I hope this helps!

~ as always, Audy




User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Mon May 13, 2013 7:40 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi there Achu,

I liked the meaning behind this poem. I could tell it was about someone giving someone else a chance, and seeing what was buried deep withing themselves. Basically the friend or lover made the person feel like they meant something important again. That they were individual and unique. This is a great meaning, and I liked how you put it in. Although the poem was short, it didn't need to be any longer. It had everything there.

On the other hand, there are a few things that make this poem a bit off putting. First, I really like your use of vocabulary. There are a lot of big words in there. Perhaps too many? If you narrow it down and a bit and simplify some of the words, it may make the poem less... aliented to the reader? (if that's the right way of putting it). I don''t think cut them all out, but I think there are too many of them crammed in there.

Secondly, the poem seemed more like a reciting of a declaration than a poem. It's because the lines were all different lenghts, varying greatly. And with that there was no sense of rhythm or flow. I think this may be because of awkward word order. For example in the first line you put, "And, you all are..." Those words together sound a bit awkard. Is the all really necessary? Someone once said, poetry is the best words in the best order. And that's why it's important to think about what words your using, if there are too many in packed in some places, with too little in the other. Or if they are sometimes too complicated? Or if they don't all fit together in a pattern that has a steady rhythm with it. I think these are key questions you should ask youself.

As a last point: why did you put some words in bold? Was it to emphasise the elegance of them?

Hope this review was helpful and you can think on what I suggest. :)

Deanie x




ACHU says...


Deanie x,
Thank you for your suggestions. That was quite useful to me.
I will take up the point of lessening too much of unfamiliar stuffs. And about the act of bold words I actually meant it to be stressed to get quench of the matter. Indeed that was useful for me.



User avatar
122 Reviews


Points: 3690
Reviews: 122

Donate
Sun Apr 28, 2013 5:33 pm
umaima wrote a review...



Hey ACHU,

First of all, You're vocabulary is really great so good job on that.

But here comes the thing, there are TOO many hard words here and on top of that they feel like they are stuffed. The poem was small but it didn't feel grammatically right to me (my opinion about it, please don't feel offended)

There was no rhythm and the bad part was that it didn't go in a Flow. But don't feel disheartened because usually first few of the poems usually end up like this. (mine were more horrible, trust me) So it's actually okay, I think you should read about how to write poems once before writing you're next one and work on making it go in a flow, now if that means adding rhythm to it then you can always do that.

If you're writing a big poem remember to always put it in Stanzas, that is one very important aspect. Then again I would say one last thing that is, you mentioned below this poem was based on friendship but I couldn't get how...Explanation is most welcomed :)

Anyways, That's all, If you ever need any help you can always contact me (as in through PM or post a message on my wall) Hope this was of help to you and Good luck for you're next piece. And yes, the most important thing, whatever I mentioned above were my personal views on you're poem and if you don't think that any of them is appropriate then it's okay, it's on you whether you take my advice or not :D.

Umaima




ACHU says...


Thank you UMAIMA for your brief sort of work out for my betterment. But one thing I just want to reconstruct in yours is that I dont feel there is any grammatical error.But still let me work on that to make it more appropriate. About putting them in stanzas, using less unfamiliar words too lessen the burden of too much stuffing, are actually significant things that I must take a serious look at it.



umaima says...


:D you're welcome ACHU



User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 653
Reviews: 21

Donate
Sun Apr 14, 2013 4:22 am
ACHU says...



this is regarding friendship





¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— Someone Incredibly Noncommittal