z

Young Writers Society



Feeling Lonely....

by ACHU


Days have abruptly stunned
Grasses started sprouting under my feet
I feel like standing alone outsphered.
 
Rain drops did not trench me
Eyes have become scratchy,
Worn out of weeping
Noises does not travel in me
Nothing dawned, but always feeling like left behind
 
I am here waiting for you,
But became sick as you were not found.
 
I wait for you inquisitively--
In hope that you will return to fill my deserted bosom;
With your affectionate cuddle.
 
Remember,
More time you take,
More bothered I will,
Unhealthier I will become !!!


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56 Reviews


Points: 728
Reviews: 56

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Mon Dec 24, 2012 3:12 pm
methrirr123 wrote a review...



Hello there, ACHU.

I see here a poem that seems to be about a mother who misses their child. I was a little confused with your sentence structure: "Days have abbruptly stunned... Nothing dawned, but always feeling like left behind." Were sort of confusingly constructed phrases. But the poem, in and of itself, is a good read, and it alows me to feel what the writer feels, which is the purpose of a good poem. Good job!




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5 Reviews


Points: 586
Reviews: 5

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Mon Dec 24, 2012 3:10 pm
Malavika wrote a review...



I will keep it simple.
You have a good idea on what you want to write. But you fail to put it into effective words. You have a lot to work on your sentence structure and grammar.
With a little more practice and patience, I think you will be able to pull it off. You just have to be learn from your mistakes :) Keep writing.





Sometimes my life just sounds like surrealistic fiction being sold on clearance at the book store.
— J. G. Hammersmith