Chapter 3 : The New Servant
King Leonard observe into the eyes of his daughter intently then into the bump on the forehead of the man beside his daughter, looking for clues of what might have happened. With a nod, he then leaves his throne and approach the man.
"So, you broke into my daughter's room!!?", the king's face is terrifyingly serious and full of fury it created a satisfied smug on Elise's face, thinking that the man will get a severe punishment .
"Yes, Your Highness, I entered your daughter's room to wake her up because judging from her records, she never wake up earlier than today", replied the servant without showing any signs of being intimidated .
The king stares directly into his eyes, then to his daughter. Suddenly, the king smiles and starts laughing loudly. "Kah! Kah! Kah! You did a very good job Rion! Without doubt, you are the first servant to wake Miss Elise here, this early! ".
"What!? ", Elise reacted in absolute shock and disappointment.
King Leonard pulls Rion to his side and secretly slid a key into Rion's back pocket. "Yes, as a matter of fact, he is your new personal servant. Introduce yourself, Rion".
"Yes, your highness. My name is Rion Tomoka. I will be your servant from now on and im honoured to be in service of you", Rion then bows in front of Elise as a sign of respect.
"Rion Tomoka? What a weird name ", Elise feel like she had heard the name before but she couldn't remember. "Oh, the name is taken from my father's side of his family, who came from the eastern lands. It might be a peculiar name here but its a commonly used name there ", explained Rion calmly despite the rude response from the princess.
"What's the matter? Is he your type? ", King Leonard slips into the conversation. The king knew she is weak when it comes to these kind of questions and its proven the moment she starts acting clumsily and blushing, unable to hide her embarrassment.
"N..n. no way he is my type! Just absolutely no way that idiot, creep, pervert is my type! I..I just remembered that I have something to do! That's all! ", Elise quickly exited the throne chamber, still embarrassed with her father's silly teasing.
After making sure that Elise have left the throne chamber, Rion turns to the king. "Just a question, why did your highness slid a key into my pocket? ".
"Oh so you realized it! It should have been expected from Rueben's only student. ", said the king with a clearly faked shocked reaction. "Anyway, just use the key to enter Elise's room and give her a pinch whenever she's late, ok? ", Rion nods while giving the look of disbelief of how the king is giving too much trust on him to take care of his daughter...
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Elise rummaged through her bedroom until she finally found a small diary. The book looks old and the writings on it seems like it have been written by a 5-year old child. Elise opens one of its pages and read it silently.
"Today I meet a boy. I am so happy when he helped me catch a butterfly. We catch one but I feel pity for it so we let it go. The boy got a weird name I can't remember so i call him Rito because it is easy to remember. The boy tells me that part of his family came from great warriors of the east and he wants to be like on of them one day. He knows a lot of things about the land in the east. I hope we can meet again tomorrow to talk more about it! ".
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review!
I like the way this story is heading! I think you're doing a very nice job at building up the plot and such, and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this! (I've got some guesses, and I'm curious to see if my predictions will come to fruition.)
One thing I think you did well in this was convey each of the characters thoughts and actions clearly through your writing. I could clearly see who was talking and what point they were trying to convey. Each time a character spoke I felt like it was adding more details to their character, so... nice job with that!
One thing I wondered about was the ending. I thought that the whole chasing butterflies was a dream. I wondered why Elise was writing about it as if it actually happened, rather than it just happening in her head. Is this your way of showing that maybe Elise is a little crazy or touched in the head? Is this a way of showing how maybe it wasn't a dream? I just think that maybe you should make it a little clearer at that part about which it is.
Specifics
Not to assume anyone's pronouns here, but I think that "her daughter" should be "his daughter," unless King Leonard goes by he/her pronouns. Also, observe should be observes and I don't think you need the "into"s. Just saying "King Leonard observes the eyes of his daughter intently then observes the bump on the forehead..." should be enough.
I think "His your type?" could be better worded as "Is he your type?"
I think this part would make more sense if it was in past tense. Since she's reminiscing about a dream/event that happened in the past, it would make more sense. So, rather than saying "Today I meet a boy" you should say "Today I met a boy."
Overall: nice job! I think you've got some great foundations for a really killer story! Good work, and I'm excited to read more.
woops damn I didn't realize those errors thanks for showing it to me!
Hello. I am here with a short review.
Not clear. Is he your type? Should be prominent I think.
One major thing I noticed is the constant change of tenses. Please check that. It's an easy mistake to make and also easy to fix. I suggest you to write it in past tense. It's easier.
If you judge it practically, it's quite impossible for a five year old to write all these things without making any spelling mistakes and other mistakes. You could intentionally make some spelling mistakes just to show that it's written by a five year old.
Whatever, it was quite interesting. Actually, I came to read it as I was feeling too sleepy and my tirednesz flew away.
Enjoyed reading it. Hope this helps.
Bye!!!!
welp for the 5 year old writing part i just thought to make its grammar just a bit broken but i didn't thought about doing that. Thank you for sharing me your thoughts about it.
Yes! I love the story so far! Keep writing.