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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

My Servant is an Ex-Hero! [Chapter 6]

by 5h4d0W


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

*Note : I spent to much time delaying between writing this chapter so it tends to have a lot of mistakes. Feel free to correct me via review or dm.  

Chapter 6 : The Valkrie and the Human

Like any other land, the land of Audria had witnessed many wars and battles but perhaps the most interesting war that will be told for generations is the War of the Great Mortals. It was a war full of chaos as demons and angels fought to destroy each other, justifying their causes.

But the interesting part about the war isn't the war itself but rather the story of a mere human that encounters a valkrie that would then change their lives forever.

The human, Walter, is no more than just a commoner, a hard working human with great spirit of determination. One day, while hunting for deers near the woods, Walter saw something falling from the skies. The human quickly navigate his way through the woods to investigate it.

When he reached the place he believed the thing have fallen to, he saw an injured valkrie. Although she is wearing armours, her angelic beauty doesn't falter her appearance as one of the heaven's maiden in the eye of Walter.

Although threaten by the valkrie not to get any closer if he cares for his life, Walter insists that he need to look at her wings, suspecting that it have broken. Realising the human is telling the truth as the immense pain can be felt from her wings, she lets the human to treat her. Walter brings her to his house to treat her until she is able to raise her wings once again.

During her treatment period, the valkrie saw how the human always work hard and tries his best to help her recover. She is amazed by the kindness the human showed her that she slowly falls in love with him. The valkrie confesses her feelings towards the human and they soon get married with a festive celebration.

One day, the village is attacked by the demons. The valkrie, with much hatred towards the demons for destroying the village she had falled in love to, fought the demons alone. Seeing all the wounds sustained by his beloved wife, Walter tells her to stop fighting alone but the valkrie won't allow it. She vowed to herself not to let any of the villager get hurt by the demon and she will slay every last one of them who dares to attack the village.

Still worried for the valkrie's safety, Walter takes his own initiatives to avoid the valkrie from fighting more demons by secretly hunting the demons inhabiting in the nearby woods by himself.

Days past and the valkrie realizes that Walter have gone for days. Not favouring the thought that a demon might attacked him, she quickly flew towards the woods he always goes to hunt.

As she soars above the woods, she saw two demons fighting each other. It's common to see demons killing each other but something about one of the demon felt familiar to her. But then she also saw a peculiar but familiar mark on the demon's left shoulder, it struck fear down her spine, she recognized that the mark seems just the same as an Abbysal Crest.

Suddenly, the crest starts to glow and the demon's body starts to combust. The demon quickly charged towards the other demon and holds the demon tightly, burning the demon with his fiery body. The intensity of the heat is too great it can be felt by the valkrie observing the burning scene from above.

Snapping out from her fear, the valkrie quickly realizes that this demon is a threat that must be eliminated. The demon seemed shock the moment it saw the valkrie closing in. The demon stands quietly, heads down as the remaining ashes of the demon burned by him get blown by the wind.

Few moments later, the demon finally speaks, "Tana, kill me, please.. ".

Suprised with how the demon knew her name, she starts to think the possibility that Walter could have been captured by the demon army and turned into one of them while he is hunting.

"Wal... Walter? Is that you? ", asked the valkrie.

"No, I'm not Walter anymore, nor the human you used to know and loved before. I am a.....MONSTROSITY ", said the demon as he touched the mark on his shoulder.

"The Abyssal Crest.... Since when did it appeared? I never saw it on your body before. " questioned the valkrie.

" I-I.. accepted it"

"You what? "

Walter starts to explain himself on how he was secretly hunting low level demons behind her back to prevent her from fighting more demons until one day, he encounter something that is overwhelmingly powerful for a mere human like him to handle.

The demon called himself Vagrant, also known in the reports stored inside the Archive as The Flame Prophet. Walter fought the demon despite the outragous power difference. But in the end, he was offered a bargain on the verge of death after getting beaten up mercilessly by Vagrant.

--------------------------------

"I admire your kin's will to fight until the bitter end yet I am unable to understand the level of stupidity from mortals like you who would fight given the odds are against you." said the demon.

"So what? Even if the odds are against me, it won't change a fact that your race is a threat to the all other races! " replied Walter, blood gushing out from where his left arm used to be after getting ripped apart by Vagrant.

"Although, despite being a mortal of lowbreed, you have grown to be quite a promising vessel, your highness"

"Your majesty? What are you fucking about? " replied the man weakly.

"That's no way to speak to someone who will decide how you'll end your life but I shall excuse myself from those trivial matters and instead explained to you of your....metamorphosis" .

"If you have forgotten about demonic aura human, then maybe I should remind you that we demons involuntarily emits these to corrupt and alter our surroundings so that its more inhabitable for our kin. It also effects other beings whether dead or alive. The dead becomes undead and the one alive becomes.... like you".

"I don't care about all that crap. What matters is your death! " Walter jumps towards him with every bit ouce of whatever energy and willpower left with him, pointing the dagger hidden in his shoes towards Vagrant.

The next thing he knew, he woke up in the middle of the woods, no more human but rather being the thing he hunt and killed.

All of sudden, Walter felt a surge of pain to his whole body. He feels his body heating up and aching for......blood and death.

"Tara, please....go away now, never search for me again."

"Why would I do that? Come on, I will bring you to an angel priest maybe... "

"I SAID GO! " never in their life have Walter shouted at her like that, full of rage. "You don't understand, no angel priest can ever cure me, because.."

"WALTER IS NO MORE, ONLY MORGAN, THE NEXT DEMON LORD TO RULE THE WORLD" Walter's expression changed into a murderous smile, his body begins to combust again.

The valkrie sheathed her sword out, its blade shining as bright as the sun, he instict as a valkrie kicking in, ready to kill the demon in front of her.

As they charge towards each other, the valkrie whispers to herself, "Walter, if there's even a little shred of you left in there, know that our love will never be broken by curse or death. Im sorry for not realizing that you're suffering when im hurt and for that, I will end your suffering now. Forgive me love".


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Sat Jul 03, 2021 7:30 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi 5h4d0W,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Your story has been in the green room for a while and will give it a quick bump with my review to get out. :D

I haven't read the previous chapters, so sorry if I'm making comments about something already mentioned in the previous chapters.

I like your first paragraph right away. I like the way you start the narration and it feels like it's from a history book. The narrative voice is calm and without an opinion of its own, giving the reader a chance to take a stand. Also, I like how you then go on to a specific point, which I think is a good tactic, to introduce the big picture, which is the setting, but then go on to a smaller plotline.

Although threatened by the valkrie not to get any closer if he cares for his life, Walter insists that he need to look at her wings, suspecting that it have broken. Realising the human is telling the truth as the immense pain can be felt from her wings, she lets the human to treat her. Walter brings her to his house to treat her until she is able to raise her wings once again.


Here it is a bit strange that you change the POV within one sentence and in the next sentence you jump back to Walter. I would rephrase it or make a new paragraph because otherwise, it seems very out of place how you switch from Walter to valkrie from one sentence to the next. For the reader, it seems as if Walter has been degraded to a human. :D The change of perspective continues in the next paragraph, and I would recommend you to rewrite this paragraph.

The valkrie confesses her feelings towards the human and they soon get married with a festive celebration.


I like this! :D It reads like a fairy tale.

One day, the village is attacked by the demons. The valkrie, with much hatred towards the demons for destroying the village she had fallen in love with, fought the demons alone.


I didn't really see you talk much about the village before that, and would recommend maybe describing a little more of the relationship between Walter the valkrie and the village before it is attacked by demons.

Days past and the valkrie realizes that Walter have gone for days.


Here comes a "has" instead of a "have".

This was a very unexpected ending and I have to say it made me sad. I liked the storytelling though and how you used a narrative voice to give the story the means to keep the reader on edge and what would happen next. I would say you need to tell a little more about the valkrie, Walter and the village as mentioned above, otherwise it moves too quickly into the second half and the sympathies you are developing for Walter and the valkrie are ruined by this.

Otherwise I found it a well-written and narrated chapter.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.




5h4d0W says...


Thanks for the review! Actually, the funny thing is that this chapter is we can say as a filler chapter which pretty much didn't affect the current storyline lol.
Spoiler! :
Even though i said that, it can still be potentially used as the building block for future story plot that would happen as we go further in the story



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Thu Jun 03, 2021 7:16 pm
Tenyo wrote a review...



Hey 5h4d0w

This isn't a specific chapter review, but thoughts on the novel so far. I'm really enjoying it, Elise is a great character and full of energy, I like her, and the contrast between her energy and the much darker undertones. Walter's story seems to be far more tragic.

I feel like there needs to be an easier transition between a lot of the scenes and chapters, especially this one. The tone here definitely seems to darken and take a sudden turn from Elise's timeline. That's not a bad thing, personally I like books with flashbacks and multiple plotlines, but here it could do with a little more cohesion in style and maybe some more attention to the introductions of each scene, so that there's enough time to settle into it before the important stuff happens.

I used to have a similar issue when writing in intervals, and I find it useful to read over the previous few chapters a couple of times just to get a feel for the atmosphere before deciding how to move forward.

Hope this helps!




5h4d0W says...


Thanks for the review! My plan with this chapter is basically just trying to fill in some more details behind the lore/history of the world. Its basically a filler while I'm trying to think about how I would write the continuation of chp 5 because I'm kind of weak when it comes to writing action packed scenes.




He knew that elbow.
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