Young Writers Society

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I think this is a great chapter! I had a good time reading this. I think you've got a great premise here, and I'm excited to see where you go with it next!

One of my favorite things about this was the progression of events and how you showed them. It flowed very, very naturally. It didn't feel forced. I felt like instead of reading a story, I was simply along for the ride. It was quite masterful I think. It helps that you've chosen very interesting events to read about. Well done!

One thing I would suggest is mainly fleshing this out more. It's a little short for a chapter, in my opinion. I think that maybe if you added more to the end or including more description could work to achieve a more full-bodied work.

One big thing that I noticed was that your tenses were all over the place and some of your subjects and verbs didn't agree. To break it down:

1. Your tenses aren't consistent

Let's take a look at your first paragraph.

Elise is running around the royal garden chasing butterflies when she suddenly tripped and slammed right onto the ground.

"Is running" is in the present tense, whereas "tripped and slammed" are both in the past tense. You continue much of the rest of the story in present tense, so I'd suggest changing "tripped" and "slammed" into "trips" and "slams." You do it a couple more times throughout the rest of this piece, so I'd suggest looking over it with this in mind and making edits where edits are necessary.

2. Subject and verb agreement

She realizes that the boy have such a beautiful smile that it makes her heart pounds faster the moment she touched his hand.

I chose this example because it has two cases of this issue. Since "the boy" is a singular subject, "have" isn't the proper form of the verb here. It should be "has." Similarly with "her heart," it should be "pound" rather than "pounds."

One other thing I noticed was the way you format your dialogue. When you have an exclamation mark or question mark after a statement, there's no need for a comma after it like you do here:

"Eh?", infront of her is a man around her age, dressed in the royal servant attire and holding a silver platter with what appears to be her breakfast on one hand, bowing to her.

(Also, "infront" should be "in front.")

Another dialogue thing: you should capitalize the statement that comes after the dialogue if it isn't a dialogue tag. Examples of dialogue tags include "he asked" or "she responded." "In front of her... etc" is not an example. Properly formatted, that dialogue should look like this:

"Eh?" In front of her is a man around her age, dressed in the royal servant attire and holding a silver platter with what appears to be her breakfast on one hand, bowing to her.

Overall: nice job! Despite some grammatical errors, I think you've got a great piece here. Keep writing!! If you've got any questions about something I said in my review, just let me know.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to read the second chapter of this...the first one intrigued me enough to make me wanna read this.

First Impression: Well...this is totally different from the first chapter that I remember so I assume this is perhaps one of main characters while that was more of a general introduction to the history of the world. At any rate, this was a fun first chapter, I'll get more specific down there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Elise is running around the royal garden chasing butterflies when she suddenly tripped and slammed right onto the ground.

Oooh, great choice of outdoor activity there, not gonna lie.

"Are you ok? ", still a bit confused from her fall, she looks up and in front of her is a boy around her age, reaching out his hands to help her.

This isn't a great descriptor because we have no idea how old she is which means we no nothing anyway. But...umm...suddenly appearing boy seems interesting.

"I..I'm fine, thank you ", as she reached the boy's hand, she realizes that the boy have such a beautiful smile that it makes her heart pounds faster the moment she touched his hand.

"So, what are you doing just now? ", asked the boy. "Im just chasing the butterflies ?", she bashfully responded.

Well...that was an interesting meeting...looks like this may be the start of a beautiful friendship...or not...I don't know, that's my guess.

"Hey, maybe I can help you catch one? ". The boy offered. "Really? You want to help me? Let's be friends then! My name is Elise, what's yours? ", the shy Elise is totally gone the moment the boy offered to help and just when the boy is about to tell his name, Elise starts to hear sounds of a door getting knocked. It grew louder and louder that she couldn't hear what is the boy's name.

Ohhh...well that's a strange thing to happen in the middle of chasing butterflies...and now this boy's name will remain secret...I feel like that might be important later in the story somehow.

Suddenly, Elise finds herself in her room. Her door still being knocked non-stop. "Why is there always something disturbing me from dreaming about the boy i once liked? I would like to meet him again...",Elise whispers to herself. Her face clearly showing signs of being annoyed. "And you out there, could you stop knocking on my door?! ".

Oooh...a dream sequence...that's fun...also very relatable with the knocking thing.

The knocking suddenly stops, her room is quite again. Elise climbs out from her bed and opens the curtain blocking her balcony to greet the morning sun. But there is no morning sun.

Not sure why the sun description is required there but okay....

"Eh?", infront of her is a man around her age, dressed in the royal servant attire and holding a silver platter with what appears to be her breakfast on one hand, bowing to her.

"Good morning madam princess, I am Ri... ", still shocked with the current situation, her body reacted by grabbing the silver platter from the man's hand and with a scream, knocked that man with a powerful blow on his head before the man could introduce himself....

Wow...quite a cliffhanger to end, also very surprising what exactly possessed the princess to attack the man like that...great choice of ending anyway.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this looks like its headed in a fun direction and I'm looking forward to chapter three to see if the questions that are brought up in this chapter will be answered. Anyway that's all I gotta say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry