Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter 5 : Adelard Foundation
"Hello Elise! Eh? You looked sad, did something happened? ", asked the boy.
"Eh? Rito? Uh.. no I'm not. I'm just reading a book", replied Elise as she tries to wipe her tears quickly.
"Ooo... What book is that? I want to read it too! It would be more fun if we read together right? ", the boy suggested.
"Uh.. Sure! "
Few hours later, as they reach the end of the story, a thought passes through Elise's mind, "Rito, will you ever become like Walter? "
The boy remained silent for a while, then he suddenly hugs Elise, tears flowing from his eyes, "Elise, could you promise me something? "
"Promise me, if I ever show signs of turning into a demon lord... I want you to end my life and never mourn for me. "
Suddenly, Elise feel a sudden pain coming from her head as if she bumped her head against a wall. She open her eyes to discover that she is still in the carriage, ruefully rubbing where her head hit the window beside her as she realize that its just another dream of her childhood memories.
She realizes that the carriage had stopped but before she could ask about it, a loud voice can be heard from outside the carriage.
"Is that all you scumbags got!? At first, I can't even believe my informant when they say that the princess's convoy doesn't have any decoy to cover up your movement. But now, seeing our so called 'Elite Soldiers of Audria' to be defeated this easily makes me more disgusted with the state of our country. That is why you should have just let us pure bloods, the descendants of Queen Cynthia to rule the country! ", bragged the voice.
"Tomoka, what is ha-", Rion puts his index finger on her lips, asking her to remain silent for a while. "Shhh... Follow my lead. "
"How dare you put your filthy commoner finger on my lips and who are you to command me around!? ", said Elise, flushing with embarrassment all over her face as she was about to give Rion a long complain when he turns back towards the princess, moving closer to her face. "Please", his face is serious and his showing no signs of friendliness, just annoyance.
Elise steps down from the carriage along with Rion in front of her. She desperately tries to calm down and refrains herself from vomiting as she sees a lot of bodies and blood scattered all over their surrounding. Rion carefully observe their surrounding, "Escape is not an option huh? Looks like the enemy have completely surround us", he thought to himself.
Among the group of the attackers, a man equipped in a fancy armour speaks up. "Milady, please don't make yourself look foolish by trying to escape. We already have men stationed in the woods in case you think you can try to disappear in the woods"
"So that's the owner of the voice we heard just now", thought Elise.
"Oh, sorry for my rudeness, milady. It seems I forgot to introduce myself. I am Reiner Adelard, the first heir of the Adelard family, and as the strong supporter of the Adelard Foundation, in the name of my family, and as the direct descendant of Queen Cynthia, I shall take you hostage to claim our rights as the kingdom's rightful owner."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello Comrade!
I won’t lie to you, this is pretty difficult to read. I know it’s a draft and needs a lot of work but like @BEASTtheHUN the flow is almost non-existent. I was reading your other chapters and I won't sugar-coat anything but I think you could do a complete restart and have a much better flowing story. For example the dream sequence in this chapter could be morphed into a more fleshed out prologue, having Elise and Rion/Rito show a strong bond over and adding more detail and description to his bleak future. Then mention the Hero saving the kingdom against a monster hoard through dialogue or even through the artwork dotting the palace. Then introducing Rion to Elise. That would be a better introduction in my opinion. That way you could dedicate this entire chapter to the usurpers raid on the princess carriage.
That said, this is your story and you are the one who has overall say and control over the entire thing. So take everything anyone says with a grain of salt. I can't tell you how to write your story everything is a suggestion.
I'll tell you what though, your grammar and spelling is immaculate, and I didn't see a single issue with any of that so great job there. While there are better wording choices and character descriptions to make as other reviewers have undoubtedly included in their own review. Other than Keep at it!
Keep writing!
-brotherGeo
Spoiler
I am going to be brutally honest with you right now, you did sign up for this though. Please, by no means am I trying to be offensive, I just have to say it. This scene here is very choppy. Dream sequences are usually very difficult to do, and that is why sometimes it is wiser to refrain, but if used correctly, they can be a valuable tool. Your transition from an event, to an event, is by no means smooth. It seems a little rushed. The descriptive imagery is well done, but in this case, for some reason, it just doesn't seem inviting. Again please do not be offended, I like your writing a lot, but this is not you. I really dislike this part, "Among the group of the attackers, a man equipped in fancy armour and is armed with a fancy looking sword speaks up." You are telling me not showing me, instead, describe his clothing. The dialogue is bumpy as well, this seems like a first draft. I may just be being nit-picky here, but something isn't right here. "Rion carefully observe their surrounding, "Escape is not an option huh? Looks like the enemy have completely surround us", he thought to himself." Observe, should be observed. Again, please, please, please, don't be offended. I like your writing a lot, but If I am honest, something about this particular text just doesn't ring with the same air of your other ones. As I said, just some simple reworks and you're golden. Thanks.
Yeah I actually do feel some sentences in this chapter feels out of place if not weirdly structured. But I'm just now sure how to fix it. I need some help for this chapter.
I feel like, and maybe it's just me, that you are switching in and out of tenses. "Suddenly Elise felt a pain coming from her head as if she bumped her head against a wall. She opens her eye to discover that she is still in the carriage , bumped her head against the window beside her and it was all just another dream of her childhood memories." This sentence is bumpy, no pun intended, the part "bumped her head against the window" needs to be changed to She opened her eyes to discover that she was still in the carriage. She ruefully rubbed the bump that was forming on her head from bumping it on the window, that's what you get for dreaming about your childhood memories.
Now, you know how you write, you write differently than me, you have a different style. That is what I would say, but you may have something different. I think you get my point though.
"Is that all you scumbags got!? At first, I can't even believe my informant when they say that the princess's convoy doesn't have any decoy to cover up your movement. But now, seeing our so called 'Elite Soldiers of Audria' to be defeated this easily makes me more disgust with the state of our country. That is why you should have just let us pure bloods, the descendants of Queen Cynthia to rule the country! ", bragged the voice.
After elite soldiers of Adria, there needs to be a comma, disgust needs to be disgusted. After to cover up your movements there could be a comma, I think that would make it easier to read, but that is optional.
"Tomoka, what is ha-", Rion puts his index finger on her lips, putting her to remain silent for a while. "Shhh... Follow my lead. "
Putting her to remain silent? Maybe pressuring, or just asking, but putting doesn't work.
""How dare you put your filthy commoner finger on my lips and who are you to command me around!? ", said Elise, clearly flushing with embarrassment all over her face and she was about to give Rion a long complain when he turns back towards the princess, moving closer to her face. "Please", his face is serious and his showing no signs of friendliness, just annoyance.
Take away clearly, just keep flushing with embarrassment, also take away the and. After "all over her face" put a comma, and delete and, thats what I mean.
"his face is serious and his showing no signs of friendliness, just annoyance.
His face was was serious, showing no signs of friendliness, just annoyance.
Thats what I feel like this line should say, but correct me if I'm wrong. This was one of those places where I felt like you were hopping tenses.
"Rion carefully observe their surrounding, "Escape is not an option huh? Looks like the enemy have completely surround us", he thought to himself." Observe, should be observed.
"Oh, sorry for my rudeness not to introduce myself." This line needs some reworking. "Oh, sorry for my rudeness, I did not introduce myself."
"shall take you hostage to claim our rights as the kingdom's rightful owner."
Before shall, there should be an I or we, either one.
That wraps it up, If you disagree with anything please let me know.
Thanks, you have really helped fix it quite nicely. So instead of turning it to all to past tense, I only keep the dream sequence in past tense while all the content after it is on present tense and I finally have a better idea for the last line of dialogue which sounds less awkward than the old one.
Dude no problem.