Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter 4 : Palace Cynthia
Elise is prepared this time. After being pinched in the cheek for two weeks straight in every morning, she had enough. She decided that this time she won't be the one getting pinched.
With the baton she bought two days ago, she waited in front of the balcony door, hoping to hit Rion in the face with the baton. She waited, and waited. As she heard the footsteps from the outside, she readies herself. But then.. Click!
The door to her room is open but the balcony door remained shut. "Oh, good morning madam prin... ".
And with a lightning speed reaction, she scream out, "Cyclone Lance!!!", and a ferocious shot of wind burst from her palm, going straight towards Rion, who is just standing in front of the door.
The impact of the shot made the whole corridor covered in dust. " Got him! That will teach him not to mess with me, hmph! Wait, how do he even open my door? Its locked just now".
"Although I'm impressed with your efforts of waking up early just to hit me with that baton of yours, I can't say I'm impressed with your magic accuracy ",as the dust starts to clear off, Elise realized that her attack didn't hit Rion, but instead it hit the drawing of a beautiful scenery her father got as a gift from from a diplomat as a sign of friendship between their country.
"Oh, your father gave me the key to your room so that I can give you a pinch if you wake up late again. King's order. Please get yourself washed up and ready. Your carriage is waiting".
"My carriage? ", Elise then remembers the discussion she had with her father over a dinner last week. "No I don't want to go. I refuse to go".
"Forgive me madam princess, but your father also ordered me to accompany you there in any possible way and judging that you might refuse to go, your father gave me the permission to knock you out if I have to ".
"I already told you, not to call me ma... Eh? Did you just say knock... ", just when Elise realized what was about to happen, she fainted.
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Elise wakes up, still in confusion, "Urghhh... Where am I? ".
"We are in your carriage heading towards the Audria Royal Academy", replied Rion, calmly staring outside the window.
Elise starts to remember what happened before she fainted. "Y.. You.. YOU!!! What have you done to me!? ", Elise hugs herself as if Rion assaulted her while she is unconscious.
"If you are accusing me of assaulting you, then the answer is no. All I done is lift up your belongings and carry you up into the carriage. Also, prepared your tea. Do you want a cup of tea your royal highness?", Elise raised her hand as a sign of refusal to the offer although Rion meant to be sarcastic.
Elise looked outside into the window beside her and she spotted a huge palace over the horizon. The palace towers as high as the birds can fly and the different tones of blue make the palace looks as if it is made out of ice. It is the most beautiful palace Elise have ever seen.
"Hmm? I see you're amazed by the architectural beauty of Palace Cynthia.", Rion noticed.
"Palace Cynthia? "
"It is located in the center of Audria Royal Academy and it represents the symbol of wisdom of the kingdom. It is also the last contribution of Cynthia, the first queen of Audria whose wisdom, magic skill and beauty is considered as heavenly. Isn't it beautiful? ", Rion explains.
"Y.. yeah it is.. ", Elise replied.
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
A hooded man is staring into the empty road below him when a heavily armoured man on a horse arrived and calls out to him. "Is the preparations ready? ", asked the hooded man.
"Yes my lord. Our scouts also reported that the our target is guarded by 20 elite soldiers, just as you expected ", replied the armoured man.
"Good, if waging war doesn't work to reclaim the kingdom back to its rightful owner, then all we have to do is come up with another plan and execute it. ".
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,820 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello, Overwatchful here!
I just read up on this story, and you're doing a really good job! I can see the improvement from chapter to chapter!
And I'm here to help along that process!
So some of your verb tenses are still inconsistent, and clumsy, Just make sure you go through your writing. Remember, you're telling the story like it happened already, so any verbs should be in past tense. What can help with that is reading your writing out loud! If it sounds awkward, then you know what to fix! It definitely helps me when I have a difficult sentence.
Another consistent mistake I'm seeing is your punctuation for the dialogue.
Those are a few examples. You don't need to put a comma, or a period, after a quotation mark like that. This is a common mistake for new writers, but an easy fix! The proper way to write these is like this:
Alright, other than that, there isn't much to fix! Good writing will come with practice, so keep going!
In regards to the name spell, I like Cyclone Lance, it describes what happens very well. But if you're looking for something else, maybe something like... Wind Spear? Something like that.
Anyway, I can't wait for the next chapter! I'll see you soon!
Hope this helped,
Overwatchful
Thanks, and about that comma after quotation mark thing is because its just how i was thought when writing dialogues back when i was a kid so it kind of grow with me but sure i will keep that in mind.
I like this story a lot. The flow is really good and it keeps you moving along at a steady pace. I am really interested in the hooded man. The hook is a really nice way to get people, well, hooked. I do not have a better name for a cyclone lance, but maybe someone else will. Again, I really like this chapter so far, and look forward to the next one, tag me.
Uhhh if anyone have better name for that spell Elise made please tell me. I couldn't think of any better beginner wind type spell name but it seriously starting to bug me cuz it sounds lame. lmao