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E - Everyone


by 1nspire

I slipped quietly through the trees. He was nearby, I could tell by the way my skin tingled. I wanted to move, but my feet were glued to the ground. Crack. The sound was close, too close. I had no choice; my feet were moving before I had the chance to think. 

He's faster than me. I should've hidden. There's no way I make it. The thoughts were racing through my head, but it was to late now; I had chosen to run, so I ran. I could see the clearing with the shelter directly in the center. I'm going to make it. Don't look back. The latter echoed in my head over and over again, but I couldn't resist. 

He was too far behind, there was no way- my head turned  back a second to late. I watched my foot hit the tree root, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. My body met the ground with enough force to knock the wind out of me, and that was enough. Instinctively, my hands went to the ground to push myself up, but it didn't matter, it was over.

 I took one last glance at the shelter, only a few yards away; I had been so close. Marcus grabbed me by the shoulders roughly pulling me to my feet. "Tag." he whispered in my ear, a smile plastered on his face. 

The rest of the guys piled out of the shelter, showering me with their various renditions of how hilarious my fall had been. I rolled my eyes, pushing them away from me as I turned. 

"Hey, where are you going?" they questioned as I walked. 

 "I've got to get home." I answered plainly. 

The chime of protests followed me as I walked away, but this time, I didn't look back. 

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552 Reviews

Points: 27085
Reviews: 552

Thu Aug 09, 2018 8:31 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hi Tsunami hear.
First of WOW!!!!! You really had me worried there. I really love the title to the story it was simple but it drew me in. So great work. Also I loved the description it was really good. But I would love to help you improve it if you don't mind.

Now the person that is running i would have like more description on them. Like is he or she sweating as they run. Are they struggling to breath as they run because they must be running really fast.

Also I would love to no what the shelter looks like. If it's not to much trouble, because I'm not sure what it is.

I love how you go into there thoughts though it dose give me a sens of urgency. So great work. Over all it was a great story. I really loved it. I hope you very proud of yourself because this is a great peace of work. I hope to read more of your work in the near feature.

I hope you have a great day.
Your friend @Tsunami.

Ps if this didn't help you please let me no, and I'm very sorry.

1nspire says...

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the feedback! I%u2019ll keep these suggestions in mind.

Your welcome!

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713 Reviews

Points: 7740
Reviews: 713

Wed Aug 08, 2018 8:02 pm
BigBadBear wrote a review...


Ha!! This is brilliant! I love the twist at the end. It was surprising and made me actually laugh out loud! You had built up some suspense to the point that I was sure this character was going to be killed and then.... sorry, I can't give away spoilers!

Anyway, the only problem I have with this is the length. This could be SUCH a great little story if you expanded it by about a page. Keep the ending hidden until the end of course, but by adding maybe some more action, maybe have the person being It be so close, the narrator is just SURE he or she will be caught, but manages to avoid capture. Something. I don't know.

This is just such a good example of a twist at the end that I think the story deserves more. It deserves to be longer, more intense at the beginning and ending with a satisfying twist. I'm not sure I loved the last part where the character is walking home, because it doesn't wrap up the story in a way that makes sense. Why is the character all of a sudden going home after a suspenseful game of tag?

Let me know if you do anything else with this. I'm interested in reading a second draft.


1nspire says...

Thank you so much for the review! I'll definitely keep this in mind if I write a second draft.

A Prince of Darkness Is a Gentleman
— William Shakespeare