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Alias Unknown

by 1nspire


   I hated the city, absolutely hated everything about it. Hated the way that the sirens blared around me, adding to the dissonance of the car horns echoing from all directions. I hated the cacophony of voices, all talking, but none of them really saying anything. Most of all, I hated the loneliness of it all. The way that I was surrounded by people, but still felt completely alone. The way that even in the bright lights that flashed from cars and storefronts and billboards, I was drowning in darkness. 

   Caught up in all these thoughts, I didn't realize that I had no idea where I was. Suddenly, nothing around me looked familiar. I froze, looking around frantically trying to find something that I recognized, but there was nothing. My heart was racing, breath coming in short gasps.

   I felt my knees buckle, my body slamming into the window of a store. Phone I thought. I pulled the device out of my pocket, pressing the power button. Nothing. I turned it around in my hands pressing every button I could, hoping for some sort of response, but the screen remained completely black. No! No! No!

  Everything around me was fading in and out of focus. The phone slipped out of my hand, shattering against the sidewalk, but I didn't even care. My hands shook as I tried to brush the tears from my eyes. I barely registered the footsteps behind me. A long shadow fell over me, blocking out what little light was left. 

  He grabbed my hand roughly, pulling me down the street into an alley. I was too stunned to move. My body was thrown harshly against the wall, my head slamming into the brick making an audible cracking sound.

  "If you make a sound, it'll be the last thing you do." His breath flooded the air with the smell of rotten milk, snapping me out of my trance. I began to thrash around, but his vice-like grip held me firmly in place. 

  I tried to scream, but the sound died in my throat. There were tears streaming down my face, but there was nothing I could do. 

Suddenly, the weight holding me against the wall disappeared, and my body crashed into the ground. I was faintly aware of the sounds around me, which reminded me of the superhero movies I used to watch; from what I could tell, it was a very one sided fight.

  After what seemed like forever, I was lifted onto someone's shoulders. That was when everything went black. 

  

   There was a soft beeping sound coming from somewhere beside me when I finally opened my eyes. I was suddenly aware of the bruised hand clutching mine. I blinked over and over again, trying to understand the sight in front of me. I remembered those eyes. It had been years, but how could I forget them? 

 "I thought... but they told me you were dead?" I heard myself mumble. 

  My brother sighed, a small smile forming on his lips. "I'll explain later," he answered. "For now, just get some rest."  

  I tried to protest, but my body won out, and my eyes fell closed once again. 

  


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Points: 425
Reviews: 3

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Wed Oct 31, 2018 11:48 am
XanderWillow wrote a review...



Hey, this my first ever review since I'm new to this site so I hope you find it helpful!

First of all, this is great. The story hits you quickly with a good writing style and skilfully dumps a heap ton of emotion on to you, talk about one heck of a start! I was initially very confused with this chapter and had to re-read it twice to fully understand what's going on but that may just be me being disorientated by the brilliant description!

On another note this moves pretty fast and it was just a tad bit confusing, although that may be what you're going for. But since it's this story's first chapter the intense starting is actually super neat!

I also really like the end, it gives away enough information to keep the reader, me, curious and guessing but not enough to be able to completely guess what's going on! I really like the story so far, keep up the fabulous work!!




1nspire says...


Thanks, I really appreciate the review!!!!



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Tue Sep 18, 2018 1:32 am
josephgrantson wrote a review...



Very good!
I really loved the imagery in the beginning it really set up a feeling that i'm guessing many other people could relate to. The feeling of a city is really felt throughout this. It does seem to be a little bit confusing during the alleyway portion to me (personal opinion don't take it hardily).
Really would like to see you expand this and turn it into a first chapter of a novel and would love to learn about the backstory with the brother. Overall very good story :)




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Points: 440
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Mon Sep 17, 2018 5:00 pm
Jeni31 wrote a review...



I hated the city, absolutely hated everything about it. Hated the way that the sirens blared around me, adding to the dissonance of the car horns echoing from all directions. I hated the cacophony of voices, all talking, but none of them really saying anything. Most of all, I hated the loneliness of it all. The way that I was surrounded by people, but still felt completely alone. The way that even in the bright lights the flashed from cars and storefronts and billboards, I was drowning in darkness.

I love this opening! Lots of detail and imagery without going overboard.

I turned it around in my hands pressing every button I could, hoping for some sort of response

I don't know why, but I love this line. Just adds something to the feeling of panic coming from the character. It's something as simple as a phone, and they're grappling with it in a state of panic and anxiety.

I'm not sure if that's what you're going for, but the way I'm reading it, I'm assuming the character is raped. If that's what's happening or what you want the reader to think is happening, good job. The imagery is vivid and shows the situation without ever having to spell it out for us. That's what writing is all about in my opinion. Show us, don't tell us, what's happening.

If by chance this isn't what's happening, I'm not sure if you'd want to rethink it so the readers don't think something is happening if it isn't.


Overall, great job. I really liked this. It's short but quickly pulls the reader in.
I hope there will be more! :)




1nspire says...


That's exactly what's happening, I'm glad that that came across. Thank you for the feedback!



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Mon Sep 17, 2018 1:54 am
thedevinhiggins wrote a review...



Hello!

I love the imagery in this story, along with the pace of the writing! I also love the way you structure the story to keep the reader engaged!

However, there is one thing I would like to talk about that you could improve.
(caps for emphasis)

"I felt my knees buckle, my body falling ROUGHLY into the window of a store. Phone I thought. I pulled the device out of my pocket, pressing the power button. Nothing. I turned it around in my hands pressing every button I could, hoping for some sort of response, but the screen remained completely black. No! No! No!
  Everything around me was fading in and out of focus. The phone slipped out of my hand, crashing ROUGHLY against the sidewalk, but I didn't even care. My hands shook as I tried to brush the tears from my eyes. I barely registered the footsteps behind me. A long shadow fell over me, blocking out what little light was left. 
  He grabbed my hand ROUGHLY, pulling me down the street into an alley..."

As you can see, there is a big repetition of the word "roughly". Maybe use:
1. "crashing into" for the first one
2. "falling against the sidewalk with a loud crack" for the second one
3. "He grabbed my hand, squeezing it until my fingers turned purple" for the third one

Of course, these are just suggestions, so use what you like!

Overall, it's a vivid, dynamic story!

Keep writing, please!




1nspire says...


Thank you for the review, I didn't even notice that! I really appreciate the suggestions!!!




Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain