"I love-" the phone clicked before she had the chance to finish her sentence. An accident she presumed, sitting and patiently awaiting the ringing accompanied by a description of how he had dropped the phone, or had pushed the button when he pressed the phone against his face. No such call ever came. The phone sat dormant in hand hand for twenty minutes before she finally gave up. He'll explain tomorrow she told herself, slipping silently under the covers and clicking off the light.
Little did she know that she wouldn't see him the next day, nor the day after that. In fact it would be five years until he would reappear. Five years with no texts, calls or emails. Five years without a word of explanation; yet the moment he entered the coffee shop on that brisk winter morning, she remembered everything, every detail like it had been yesterday that she said "I love you" for the last time.
When their eyes met, she wanted to scream, yell at him for the way he stole her heart and ran away, for not having the decency to tell her that he was leaving, for showing up in her coffee shop without any kind of warning; yet when she approached him, the anger melted away. She heard herself speak, but had no control over the words.
"Can I buy you a coffee?" Her voice was soft, sweeter than he remembered.
He smiled and, as if no time had passed, replied, "That's awfully kind of you princess."
Time froze for a moment. It had been five years, but he remembered. It was the nickname he had given her on the day that they met, in a place not unlike the one in which they currently stood. His eyes fell to the ground, voice lowering as he continued, "It's been a while, hasn't it?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
This was very good, and I really liked it. It was very interesting, there were a few things here and there that I'd like to point out.
One, I wish you had added more detail. Just a tiny bit more, it was very short, and that's not always a bad thing, but a bit more emotion would have been great.
Second, I wish you showed them interact a bit more. Like, before the call ended, I wish we got to see some of there conversation that he maybe called her princess in to set up the ending.
Third, this is a tiny detail, but did the girl ever call him? Or did she just wait for him to call her? This is a tiny detail that I wish was addressed.
Finally, why did he leave her? I don't know if you meant for it to end like that, but I want a explanation! I wish you tied up the loose ends.
Other then that, this was really good, and I can not wait to read more from you! As always, keep writing and have fun doing it!
Hi there 1nspire! I hope you're having a lovely day.
There can and should be a lot of struggles to go through before your perfect ending.
)
This is a very cute story! If I may ask, did you intend for this to be a novel chapter or more of a short story? Here's why I'm asking.
If you want this to be a short story, it's great, it's a good length and your plot works fine. But if, as you labeled it, you're intending this to be one segment of a larger story, then I'd expect to see a lot more in it: the main character would probably try--many times!--to call him back, to contact him in any way, seek him out, ask his friends. There would be a lot more backstory about her search for him, because there's no way she would just let him go without making an effort. There's so much tension to be had! In a story, that's not a bad thing.
You don't have to include that, of course, because it's your story. And as a short story, it's still okay without it. But if you're going to expand it into a novel, then I think it's going to have a lot more of that stuff in it. (and an explanation to boot! You sure left us on a cliffhanger
I do love how it's so generic--they don't have names, they're just a guy and a girl living anywhere in the world. But dropping a few details couldn't hurt, either. "He'll explain tomorrow"--will he call her again? Or do they see each other at work? Do they always meet at the same place?
Here, for example, it says very specifically that it's her coffeeshop. The one she always frequents, one that she owns, or one that she works at? When, just a few lines down, you write,
Why wouldn't it be the same place? Is this a chance meeting or did he seek her out?
While this piece is lovely and sweet, you do leave us with an awful lot of questions. It's your choice whether you want to expand and go into more depth--you have a lot of room to if you want to. If you choose to leave it this way, there's not much I can say except maybe slide some more imagery in there (what can I say, I'm a big fan of description). Nice job on making this really cute, though!
-Q
I really appreciate the review. For me, this was just an outline, and I you commented, when I as you suggested, when I write the actual chapters, I'll be sure to include more details. Have a great day!
Now I wonder why he never called back. Is there a sequel to this?
I'm not sure if I'll post it or not, but I'm sure I'll add to this at some point.