Everything was normal, until it wasn't. The lights had gone out, which was no surprise in this house, especially with the storm. A scream echoed from upstairs, no doubt the familiar sound of one of my brothers resulting from the sudden darkness, at least that's what I assumed.
"Grow up." I muttered under my breath, reaching for the drawer. With the flashlight in hand, I made my way to the stairs. "Mickey! Matt!" I called to them, stumbling as I tried to turn on the flashlight.
"Guys, come here!"
I did my best to keep the annoyance at bay when there was no response. My feet fell heavily on the stairs, the sound echoing though the dark hallway ahead of me. When I reached the top, there was no one to greet me. I knew the twins were scared of the dark, but hiding in their rooms, really?
I started banging on their door.
"Guys, open up; I have flashlight!" No answer, shocker.
"Whatever." I mumbled, turning to go back downstairs. Another scream stopped me dead in my tracks.
I turned, throwing the door open without thinking. My heart was racing as I scanned the room and saw- nothing. There was no one there. A cool breeze sent a chill up my spine. Breeze, wind.. the window.
My head whipped around to see the window, which was wide open, letting in wind and the rain. I ran to it, but it was no use, I couldn't see anything through the rain. My heart stopped, they were gone.
Suddenly, a flash of lightening illuminated the yard just long enough for me to see a dark figure clutching on of my brothers as he slipped over the fence. My flashlight clattered to the ground. I was completely frozen.
A small sob pulled me out of my trance. My eyes went to the closet, where I could here someone crying. I walked forward, sliding the door open with caution. Matt. He was hidden behind the clothing, but not well enough to hide the blood that coated the side of his face. I knelt beside him, slipping my phone out of my pocket and quickly typing in three numbers. The ability to form any real sentences eluded me, but as soon as I heard the voice on the other end, the words came spilling out.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hi 1inspire!
but right now, I'm confused.
So, we've got a pretty suspenseful story on our hands here, which I'm loving! The storm, the lights out, and the scream all lay a foundation for what's to come. And my, my, the fact one of her brothers was kidnapped is terrifying in itself! But the setting makes it all the more dramatic, which is awesome. Great job on that.
However, there are a few things that puzzle me. This is a short story, but there are quite a few missing pieces I think you should have included. For example, why is this girl alone with her brothers? Where are her parents, or the rest of her family if they have that? And is the speaker even a girl? You never did give a gender. Actually, we don't know much about the speaker, with the exception of some personality hints from her dialogue and actions.
Reading this, I feel like I've read a scene ripped out of a novel. I don't know anything about the characters or why one of the brothers was kidnapped, and we're not going to find out who kidnapped him, either, because this is the whole story. If there's another part, then I wouldn't have as much to complain on
This little scene you have here lays a great foundation for the story. Lights going out in a house at night during a storm is scary enough, but when you add these other factors (screams, kidnapping, blood on Matt's face) we've got something good. Yet we can't leave it at that. What's the motive for the kidnapping? Why this family? What's going on? I feel like there's a lot left unsaid here, and my curiosity is very intrigued. Give me more! xD
That's all for now. :]
Good luck on your future works, and have a great one!
~rosette <3
Thanks for the review!!! I was thinking about writing a novel and this was one scene that I wrote first while working on it, but I didn't end up finishing which is probably why there are so many information gaps which I was planning to explain earlier in the story. I really appreciate the feedback!
Oh, okay! Makes sense.
Nise work I love this.
Thanks!
Hi, this is a really interesting start! It might be helpful to heighten the suspense to add some more desciptions of the screams. Maybe add a bit of drama/struggle on his journey up the stairs. I like the way you waited to say that one of them was still there. Great job!
Ps - sorry for the blank review I accidentally posted this same review 3 time and wasn’t able to just delete them but I did make them take up less space
Thanks for the review, I really appreciate the feedback!!!
This is a really great start to a well-developed piece of writing. The first person perspective helps with the understanding of the characterisation and to build a clear image of the events.
I would suggest making your descriptions stronger by using adventurous adjectives and phrases. For example, instead of 'I mumbled turning to go back downstairs. Another scream stopped me dead in my tracks.' you could develop the scene more by saying something like 'I mumbled, turning on my heel towards the stairs but another heart-wrenching scream stopped me dead in my tracks, paralysing me for several moments.' This helps to build a clearer image within the reader's mind and allows them to understand the situation, a bit better.
I really enjoyed reading this and hope my suggestions help in the future.
Thanks for the suggestions, I'll keep them in mind:)