Young Writers Society

I love when you partake in the poeting, Scar. <3

Let's begin. First off - I want to sort of point out my thoughts as I was reading, because throughout I kept thinking, this poem is you. In the sense, that I could've randomly clicked on it/not looked at who submitted it, and still there's something about the formation of your lines that made me think 'this reminds me of something I've read from Scar'. I think that's really neat, and I'm sure I've commented on your voice before <3 Such luff.

Now, that said, I do agree with the other reviewers - in poetry, you want to make sure not to tell the reader anything that they don't already know. A folktale can do that - they often have these moralesque tales that are painted out to the reader/listener - and if you notice the tones of folktales: there's almost always distant (rather than a: Let me tell you-- , they're usually third person), and they're almost always metaphorical, hare/tortoise or foxes, these animals represent human nature, etc. but all of them present the experience. There are scenes. There's a story.

Poetry deviates from a folktale/moral-essay/prose in two ways.

1) form. You have few words you're working with, and it must engage/entertain/shock/reveal a truth, etc. all of this is going to take some amount of words, so don't waste them. Let your readers fill in the gaps of morals.

That fifth stanza and sixth stanza? That whole idea has already been expressed in your first 2 lines, and in a much less direct, much more concise fashion. Don't waste words.

and 2) language. You notice written communication is always split between either prose and poetry. And what separates the two is language. Prose is clear-cut and simple. It's about communicating the idea/cause/effect, it's about the way we speak and think.

"She is a fat lady. She has a pretty voice. She sings and her body quakes."

Poetry is all about language, it's about the love of language, it's about re-inventing language and re-inventing words and associations. It doesn't /have/ to be about ideas or stories or emotions, even though all of those things may come across in a poem. Compare the above 3 sentences to the following 3 lines:

"She sings to let the boulders out
and free, they ravish great feasts of earth.
Her gelatin build trembles still."

Now, you may see a narrative here, you may even see a colloquialism (it ain't over til the fat lady sings) You may even see emotion here (though I doubt it cause this is ick). But all I'm doing -- all it boils down to is that specificity and playing with language/ creating metaphors from unlike things (What is something big/fat and has nothing to do with singing or obesity? uhh boulders. [too much indiana jones, sorry] Okay! I'll roll with it)

He was like those twisted little creatures,
those beasts who crawl through the shadows,
thick with cloying dust.

Hi there.

This is an interesting idea, though I feel like you're telling the reader how to feel a little bit. It's not too bad, but the feeling is there a little bit.

I don't understand how the two moon stanzas connect with the rest of the poem. They're not all that necessary. I'd take them out. They only serve to distract from the core meaning in your poem.

who fear their last rights?

That sneaky little snake wore a mask, blatantly lied
to those most high, and refused to bend the knee.
He wouldn't bow to those above, nor those far below,
and he cast himself out, to the moon and the stars,
the earth down below.

I warned you once, about the darkness beyond you doors. Didn’t
I tell you it was like the devil wore a wig, or perhaps it’s a mask?

I warned you about the darkness beyond your door.
The devil wears a wig, and sometimes a mask.

The only thing we know, is that you can’t always
believe what you see because you never know
when it could be a lie

Hey Lette,

This is super preachy. Only not religiously preachy. That other weird kind of preachy where you're like "oh lieees oh everyone be careful!" but it's just really... patronising? I feel like the tone of this is mega patronising.

I think that you need to tighten this up and increase the focus of what you're going on about. I'll be blunt (even blunter!, you cry) and say that I lost interest pretty quickly. The hook just isn't good enough for me. Maybe it's the conversational tone. I don't mind the first line, though I'd lose "fallen from grace" and I think you should lose "I think" from the second line. Immediately your first couplet is tighter and it's easier to see the focus coming through.

Second stanza is pretty much fine, though I'd throw out "he was" and "those" because they're not doing anything particularly important and we already know you're talking about him there.

Third: I like the sneaky little snake, it's smooth and lovely. I'd throw out "blatently" and move "lied" down to the next line. I don't like "most high" even though I can see that you're doing it a bit tongue in cheek. Throw out "said he" cause it's also not doing anything particularly important and we don't need it. Punctuate accordingly, so comma after knee, full stop at "below". I'm not digging the "to the moon etc" maybe through the moon and such, slamming to the earth down below? Something smoother is needed there, and the list isn't working for your poem.

Blah to the fourth stanza. These two lines are boring and they don't connect to anything and I feel like we're chillin' with the moon because she's pretty and the use of "dark side of the moon". I'd lose it, and then I'd also lose the next stanza because it's repetitive to the upper beastie stanza and if we lose the moon chatter it can go easy.

Fifth stanza, throw out "but" also, preachy preach preach. We know we're all bad on lies, oh humanity sucks. Don't tell me, show me acts or something, those suits and ties, little boys blue in the face, sidling up to the devil and his dancers. Use some metaphor and some simile and give us something to really lie about, if that makes sense. The next stanzas follow this. The whole second half of this poem is super weak and I'd say, maybe harshly, throw the lot. You can do better. Use the first half and build down from there, maintain the devil metaphor and play a bit with lies but please don't push all that moralising at us. Show us instead. I don't know how many times I say that everywhere xD showshowshow. You can do it, I've seen it, so I know you'll do it.

Thanks for posting though! I hope I haven't crushed any spirit!

~ Pen