Young Writers Society

Okay, so, I just wanted to say that I really love this poem. I am very curious as to how you came up with this, you are so creative!

Hannah,

I think this poem does interesting things with imagery. Interesting, because the images seem to have several fragments or parts adrift. I get this with the blue bird, the swimming, and the broken branches - fragments - where I try to make out the connections.

I like the blue bird stanza very much, because out of the whole piece, it's really the more visceral element, and it's the only time our speaker really does any sort of action, when he/she runs water. I almost want to automatically apply a parallel between the bird and her, her and her mother. This connection probably to do with the placements of the stanza - so I applaud you how instead of dealing with time in the so obvious sense of "this is a flashback" we actually do make the connections quite literally from the placement of the stanzas - at least, from what I got out of it.

I mark time on a ruler
and I won't last seven meters.
I won't last.

I am marking centimeters, millimeters, broken branches,
but they are gone more quickly
than I can think the numbers,
than I can touch my fingers
to the tape.

I am always with my finger on pause,
but time goes faster
when my mother sweeps the floors for me.

At a gas station I buy measuring tape
and coffee for the road.

Hello Hannah Banana! I'm excited to finally review some excellent work of yours . Ok to start off I really like this poem, it's short and clever and too the point. I do not like excessively long poems.. although their are a few exceptions but only a very few. You maintain the reader's interests and attention rather brilliantly and I commend you for that. Now on to ze review!

Ok so because this poem is so spot on amazing... I'm gonna have to turn on extra super nit picky mode to find something to complain about. Firstly, I'm usually not a fan of repetition because it's such a risky thing to use without breaking rhythm or losing the readers attention. Of course if used correctly it can be an impressive fighting force, but in this case when you say: "I won't last" twice... I don't think it's adding too much to your writing. I would definitely change one of those to help the flow of your writing.

Now your writing style is interesting and out of the ordinary. I think you use it effectively to represent the age of the child that takes the role of the narrator I believe. Correct me if I'm totally wrong though. However sometimes I think you use it too much and it breaks up the flow, so for example, when you say: "I am always with my finger on pause," I think this would be more effective if you say: "I always have my finger on pause."

I like when you say "to see when he starts bleeding," thats a nice line. Simple but too the point and the rhythm is very consistent.

Now when the mom asks "if I ever leaned to swim" I get a kind of stream of consciousness Mrs. Dalloway sort of feel from that line, I'm not sure why. Or like White Noise, it just seems so random and doesn't really connect to anything. I'm not sure why it's there but it certainly doesn't take anything away from your poem.

Great ending, way to keep it short and too the point. All and all this is a marvelous poem and I love it. You truely are the star person of YWS with your wonderful reviews and magnificent writing. If you ever need a review let me know! Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

So this isn't a review but . . . I've read this twice. Once when it said nanometers and once when it said branches. Branches and beaks and blue birds. I'm curious about what inspired this if that's not too forward.

Also, I really like it.

Hi there, Hannah.

You always blow me away with your imagery. This poem is no exception. It's lovely.

There are only a few things that I would consider changing if I were you.

and i won't last seven meters
i won't last

i am marking centimeters, millimeters, nanometers.

than i can think the numbers,
than i can comprehend.

i am always with my finger on the pause button,

at a gas station i buy measuring tape
and a coffee for the road.

a blue bird breaks
the kitchen window
with his beak
and sleeps in the sink.

Hello Hannah!

Specifics

1. Line two bothers me. It's partly the repetition on line three. There are two ways to use repetition that I will accept. One, you repeat the words exactly but the second use of them gives a different tone or meaning. Or two, you repeat the words inexactly. They are slightly changed and again add something new to the poem. Repetition must add to the poem!

Here's what I want to do with your three lines, please forgive me for wrenching them out of your grasp for a minute:

i mark time on a ruler
that won't last seven metres
i won't last

I would also maybe tweak line three a little as it's not a punchy line or insightful or descriptive or emotive. It builds a nice touch of atmosphere and it's one of those bridges you need, but it could be tweaked, except I don't have any specific example for you there and it's not one that's screaming at me. More of a gentle niggling.

2.

i am marking centimeters, millimeters, nanometers.

i am always with my finger on the pause button,

Helloooo! Here to revieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!
Now then. This is a very interesting piece. It took me a second read to get it. I think I've got it. She's sort of running out of time. And water is being poured on her, by her mother? Is she the bluebird. It's very interesting. It's a bit creepy. I really like the opening. And then the ending.
So, bits I particularly like:
i mark time on a ruler
and i won't last seven meters
i won't last
i am marking centimeters, millimeters, nanometers.
but they are gone more quickly
than i can think the numbers,
than i can comprehend.

a blue bird breaks
the kitchen window
with his beak
and sleeps in the sink.

i run water over him
to see when he starts bleeding.

my mother asks if i ever learned to swim.

six meters, 10 centimeters, 55 millimeters, 126 nanometers.


These bits are absolutely awesome and very good. I really like the way you go back to the measuring time bit at the end. And the first verse is just incredible. And the stuff with the bluebird is really interesting.

I agree with PenguinAttack about the no caps. I don't think it really adds anything and it just distracts by looking a little peculiar. And I agree with them aabout the gas station as well. I don't really understand what the gas station bit is about.

I find the characters interesting and the situation they're in.

In conclusion, this is a very good piece and there is little for me to suggest. It's very creepy and I think it's one of those pieces that is going to stay with me for quite some time.
Sorry for the short review, but there's nothing really wrong with this!

Hannahbobannah,

You may take my last review before I really, seriously, really have to sleep. I picked this for you to post out of the selection because I, firstly, think it's the best of the poems there. There's a definitive voice here, your narrator says things and means things and even though there is the natural abstract nature to the lines, the blue bird, the water, the swimming, this is focused and organised. I'm now wondering if you wanted me to pick something that was less good, so that you could work hard on what you were constructing. If so, sorry!

This is a bit amazing, the more I read it the more I like it. I love the parallel between the blue bird and the narrator. The title tells us what this is, this is falling down and being collected up again. She is spilling, bleeding and not, like that little blue bird, and she's doing it all in measurements she can be sure of. Her mum sweeps too fast, she asks too many questions, she's too pertinent. I want to say that she asks if the narrator ever learnt to swim because that is when we will see when she starts bleeding. We need the deep roll of the swimming pool - or sliver sting of the sea - to find out what makes our narrator tick.

She can say the numbers, but what do they mean? She doesn't know because her mother is there and waiting, sweeping her under the rug before she can count. Her mother is pouring water over her to see when she'll bleed and not minding, really, if she drowns instead.

All of this said, I am not a fan of no caps. I know it's style and you do it well and here it really does mean, but I don't like how it looks because I'm mean. I should have picked something bad, I’m sorry, I’m running out of comments. I don’t like the mention of the gas station only because it is a gas station and then we’re locked into vernacular and therefore place and time and context becomes something actually important. Nothing else gives away details though, so they’re all set. Why don’t I want details? Because this woman has to be anonymous, like the bird. Just another break in that we’re waiting to see if we have to heal or set free. Don’t let us know which that is, we never want to know, we just want to pour and pour until our own hands are wrinkled and we understand why we ask questions we should already know the answer to.

Thank you for writing this, I love it.
~<3