I remember, the first time—
The darkness (a dream) grabbed me
By the ankles;
You covered me up,
Cuddled me close.
You sang:
“Sunshine, you are my sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are gray.”
I remember, once more—
The darkness returned (a beast), gnawed
On my bones, not
On a heart;
I squeezed your hand
You squeezed mine.
You sang:
“Sunshine, you are my sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are gray.”
I remember, the last time—
The darkness took me whole;
You curled me in
As my broken shards
(Finally) pierced your heart.
But still, you held me there. Close—
“Sunshine, you are my sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are gray.”
—As you sang me to sleep.
A/N: Any kind of feedback is more than welcome! I hope you enjoyed the read!
xo gummies.
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138,653 Literary Works • 672,189 Reviews
Gummies!
Surprise me! I hope that helps.
There are lotsa things happening here, and aesthetically it is somewhat pleasing! I can see that you are experimenting with lots of different things, quotations, punctuation, breaks - and that's always such a delight to see. I like to encourage this kind of thing, I'd always love to see more of it ^_^ People get so creative!
But, let's talk about content!
Those lyrics that you've pulled into your poem are beautiful lyrics and typically used as lullaby/dream/light/dark imagery and such, so if that is what you're intending for your poem, you've made a good choice, but other than the font and possibly the form, I don't really see anything else that's "new" here.
In fact, the most memorable part of your poem is the lyrics you've pulled. The added narrative doesn't really do much to add to the lyrics themselves, this is why "You are my Sunshine" is so popular, because even though the lyrics themselves don't say anything about sleeping/dreams/lullaby or fields of sunflowers, people will always picture those things because of what the words evoke.
It would actually have been more interesting/surprising if you take something that we all know and love, such as "You are my Sunshine" and have an ironic twist to it. I've seen poems and short stories have innocent nursery rhymes and the poem itself is about a mass serial killer or describes a murder scene >:D So when you have that dynamic between something that is innocent, describing a scene that is so horrible and graphic -- you end up surprising the reader, but that's not all, the poem ITSELF reflects a light/dark balance, or an innocent/loss of innocence irony.
Now, I don't intend to encourage you to be that dramatic or drastic, just giving you an example of taking something familiar that everyone knows and the effects of turning it on it's head and making something different or making something that is truly your own. Make something memorable!
Don't be afraid to experiment!
~ as always, Audy
First off, man I really need to try new fonts here, your layout looks more than beautiful.
Well, firstly, I didn't quite get the use of 'a' in the line:
"On my bones, not
On 'a' heart;"
I would appreciate it if you explain it to me.
My favorite lines:
"You curled me in
As my broken shards
(Finally) pierced your heart.
But still, you held me there. Close"
At some points it was quite hard to connect the dots, but on the whole I enjoyed reading this poem. Keep writing!