Young Writers Society

Hey there! I'll be reviewing this piece of work today.

"I'm addicted to you
my mind"

"I cant keep off of you"

"oh my,"

"Its, its like you have placed me"

"pushing your bottons,"

"and no apppitte,"

"When would your novilty fade?"

"i'm definitely addicted to you. "

Hi, BaByLa! I'm Rocky, and I'm going to review your poem today.

Content:

Overall, this is a great piece. I do understand how PenguinAttack would think this is about a person though, as that's what I first thought before reading the review and comment below. I agree with you possibly changing the title to something like "The Tale of the Computer Junkie." It would definitely provide clear direction for your reader about what the narrator is addicted to. You could use more imagery and description otherwise, as it would keep the reader more interested than they already would be by this.

Grammar

Forgive me, and please don't take this negatively, but I don't understand why you won't be taking PenguinAttack's advice about certain aspects. A poem has little boundaries that the writer must follow, but the laws of grammar are definitely one of the few. With that said, I'm going to get started.

Firstly, you have punctuation in some places but not in others, which is fine sometimes. But, in cases like the first three lines or so, it can be slightly confusing. Perhaps you should place a semicolon or period after "I'm addicted to you" to show pause. It might also, seeing as you were very apt in showing this in other places, add in the intended dramatic effect of the first line. In the next two lines should be separated by a comma after "mind." Again, it just seems to fit.

I cant keep off of you

oh my,

Its, its like you have placed me

pushing your bottons,

When would your novilty fade?

Hi Babyla,

It’s lovely to meet you, particularly with a poem! I like the idea you have here, identifying your love as a vice works well, very well when love goes wrong, in particular!

I have to ask why you have put your whole poem in italics? It’s particularly difficult to read and doesn’t add any level of anything to your poem, it seems to be really pointless – if you had a reason please tell me, I’d love to know! You’ve also centred the poem and I’m not sure why, stylistically it looks nice, centred poems often do, but they make it a little more difficult to maintain rhythm through the poem. I like that you have punctuation in here, a lot! I’m often harping about how punctuation can help a poem and yours works in your favour.

You’ve got some imagery in here, which works toward the feeling of the poem. However, I think that your poem would be greatly improved through the use of more imagery and a consideration of content. I can feel the narrator’s emotions in the poem (just) but I think that it could be much punchier, touch the reader much more closely with a bit of editing. Right now I can hear the voice but it’s drowning in a sense of melodrama, which is ripe in this poem. This happens a lot when you’re writing about a topic like love, it’s hard to push your poem past the usual and into the unusual, which is where you’d like it to be.

My vice

I'm addicted to you
my mind
I cant keep off of you < “of” makes this line very awkward.
oh my,
there is so much I could do
with you.
The moment you entered my life
you caused chaos.
Its, its like you have placed me < “It’s” and repetition here.
under a trance,
the hours fly by so quickly.
But hey,
I enjoy being on you,
pushing your bottons, < Buttons
till I get the desired result.
I'm so addicted to you!
Sleepless night
and no apppitte, < Appetite and I don’t think this line should be by itself, move it up one.
you have become the first thing
I want to see when I wake.
When would your novilty fade?< Novelty, also “will” would be the more appropriate tense here.
I hope never...< These ellipses are incredibly awkward and unnecessary
Because < I’d lose this, you don’t need it at all.
i'm definitely addicted to you. < “I’m” and the repetition of addiction, by this point is very tired.


I think that you might want to think about more imagery and description for your poem, how has the Narrator’s partner reeled her in? Why is she addicted, is there something about the other person in particular? Was there an event where it began? I think this poem needs more context before we can really start to feel for your narrator, and run with her through the poem.

I know that sounds like a lot of work! But I think that if you work at it this poem could be really good. Let me know if you change anything and I’ll come back and look. =)

Any questions or queries, please don’t hesitate to PM me!
- Guin.