Fallen Star

i usually don't get poems but i totally get this one
i liked it
adel

I was once told
there was an Architect
who desired perfection,
and built his home out of stars and novas,
unconcerned by the petty wars and fleeting illnesses
that raged in his basement.

This paragraph I like the best as you have portrayed the Earth to be the basment and stars and space to be home...if i am right
BUT WHAT DID ALL ELSE POEM MEAN...plz be kind to tell me
but i liked the poem

But then, the brightest star blinked
and saw through the gossamer illusion.
I watched as the star hurtled to the ground
shedding scales forged in sunsets
claws sharpened by sorrow.

We wished on it, but were overwhelmed,
such was the searing light it held,
and to the shadows we fled,
into old wounds torn open.

So the Architect's star dimmed, forgotten,
dreaming of dancing with its brethren,
claws raking
at its self-made prison
of broken rubble and shattered masonry.

Watching from above, a fallen star
was all we could call it.

I really liked this poem.

I was once told
there was an Architect
who desired perfection,
and built his home out of stars and novas,
unconcerned by the petty wars and fleeting illnesses
that raged in his basement.

Your first stanza has to be my favorite. I love how you make earth his basement.

But then, the brightest star blinked
and saw through the gossamer illusion.
I watched as the star hurtled to the ground
shedding scales forged in sunsets
claws sharpened by sorrow.

I don't really understand this part. Why does a star have scales and claws? I actually began picturing a dragon at this point and that doesn't tie in at all.

We wished on it, but were overwhelmed,
such was the searing light it held,
and to the shadows we fled,
into old wounds torn open.

Okay so how does the falling star and old wounds tie together?

So the Architect's star dimmed, forgotten,
dreaming of dancing with its brethren,
claws raking
at its self-made prison
of broken rubble and shattered masonry.

So the stars prison is now earth?

Watching from above, a fallen star
was all we could call it.

Okay you saw your watching from above. But in the third stanza you say you all fled from it and it was falling down. So are you down or up?

I really liked this poem.

I was once told
there was an Architect
who desired perfection,
and built his home out of stars and novas,
unconcerned by the petty wars and fleeting illnesses
that raged in his basement.

Your first stanza has to be my favorite. I love how you make earth his basement.

But then, the brightest star blinked
and saw through the gossamer illusion.
I watched as the star hurtled to the ground
shedding scales forged in sunsets
claws sharpened by sorrow.

I don't really understand this part. Why does a star have scales and claws? I actually began picturing a dragon at this point and that doesn't tie in at all.

We wished on it, but were overwhelmed,
such was the searing light it held,
and to the shadows we fled,
into old wounds torn open.

Okay so how does the falling star and old wounds tie together?

So the Architect's star dimmed, forgotten,
dreaming of dancing with its brethren,
claws raking
at its self-made prison
of broken rubble and shattered masonry.

So the stars prison is now earth?

Watching from above, a fallen star
was all we could call it.

Okay you saw your watching from above. But in the third stanza you say you all fled from it and it was falling down. So are you down or up?

Hey pal. You and I have already been over this one in depth, so I'll keep this brief and try not to repeat myself.

First, the title. I agree with Rydia, it doesn't do anything for me. I disagree with Rydia though, it cannot be 'the Architect', because it's not in fact about the architect. I know what you think about it, but I still really like 'Mephisto'. It gives the reader a vital clue. I know the ins and outs of this poem because of how hard you and I worked it. But to anyone else it might come off as a little inaccessible, a bit too vague maybe. Having something concrete in the title to signpost the piece and point the reader in the right direction won't go astray.

Second, it needs smoothing out. I mean, there is some bloody excellent stuff here, but there is also some decidedly average stuff. You know that I think content > everything else, and sometimes you haven't quite nailed it here. In places you've gone narrative > content. The first two stanzas are good, third is ok, and fourth and beyond goes downhill a little. I do understand what you're going for in this piece, and you certainly achieve that. But I think there could be a better way to get there. Like Ryds said, the change of voice and sudden variations in pacing puts me off.

So. A truly impressive first attempt. I'm looking forward to more.

Le K.

Hi Tails! Alright so there's some really good imagery going on but I'm not sure about your flow in a couple of places so let's take a closer look, shall we?

The Title: I think you could have come up with something more original! I'd have been more interested in 'The Architect' to be honest and would have probably passed this over if you'd not asked for a review. Titles are a big part of how we grab our reader's attention.

Stanza One: I like the first two opening lines to this, really draws the reader in! I think you could lose the third one though, that's a bit blunt and boring. Instead you can show us that he desires perfection by telling us about him, which you pretty much do in the next line. My only other concern about this stanza is that it's very prosey. If you took these lines and removed the line breaks, there'd be nothing to distinguish it from a section of fiction. You need to play with the words more! I want to see alliteration, rhythm, reverse syntax. All those little things poetry is famous for!

Stanza Two: I don't like the switch in persona here at all. I was loving the feel of this, how it was a myth and it felt like story-time. But it's confusing to then switch to being in the action and it's not as interesting or magical somehow. It was better when we were hearing about this from afar. I'd also like to see some more solid imagery. Your phrases like 'claws sharpened by sorrow' are a bit too vague and difficult to really connect with. Instead of designating an emotion - sorrow - use a description that evokes that feeling. In prose terms we'd call this showing instead of telling. But you could have something like, 'claws sharpened graveyard stones' which is just a basic example, but already the reader has something more to visualise. I'm not sure where the claws come from though to be honest. It's an interesting idea to give a star claws, but perhaps you could have described it as being bird-like earlier so that we're not making a huge jump between being told it's a star and then claws coming out of nowhere.

Stanza Three: I don't like the second line here. The rest of your poem has a pretty gentle flow but 'such was the searing light' feels very archaic and slow. There's a lot of surplus words there which start to clog up your flow. I'd also like to se emore imagery here. You have light and shadows but these are things which are difficult to picture without there being something more to give them depth. Otherwise we just have yellow and black in our heads. You should use light and shadows the same way you would use colour: to describe something else or add to a line of the poem. But they shouldn't be the key feature.

Stanza Four: I like that you've gone back to the myth approach here - try to stick with that throughout. It gives the poem a sort of dreamy tone and is much more effective.

Stanza Five: I'm not sure about this ending. I hoped for something more unusual or a twist but it's a little bland to be honest. Maybe if you'd described the object in another way, so that we didn't know it was a star until this moment, maybe then this would be more effective. But as it stands, it feels like you're telling us something we already know.

Overall

I like your use of imagery, particularly in the first stanza but I think you need to decide what you're aiming for here. Do you want to tell a story, provoke emotion, teach us a lesson about life? There were some good lines but there's not enough word play or originality to make it something I'll remember tomorrow. Try to be a bit more thought provoking and put an original spin on the old words - could there be a new meaning to a fallen star?

That's all for now but if you have any questions or want me to expand on anything in particular, feel free to ask! See you around,

Heather xxx

Your language here is absolutely magical. Truly superb.

However, you make it extremely confusing. In the beginning, you start out saying that you were told of an Architect, making it seem as if you're going to tell us a fable or a myth. In the next stanza, though, you're suddenly living in it. If the Architect is supposed to be a god-figure, then you should change the language to make it seem as though the Architect hasn't died, but is currently living.

Great first attempt, nice narrative story telling feel and mood. I don't know a lot about poetry but something tells me this needs a little more structure and I guess the stanzas and the words themselves could have been used a little better for dramatic effect.

Then again after a couple of reads it seems I feel as if what I wrote before was redundant. Never the less great first attempt.