Prometheus

Hey Padawan. I lost you earlier so I came here.

The more and more I read your stuff the more your penchant for refrains grows on me. It's a personal style, and I dig that.

Content is fine. I know it's your favourite topic XD I do also dig the mixed religious mythos going on, what with all the Hellenistic references. Be careful to avoid cliches though (but being Italian you can probably get away with it more than others ). Still, writing about the same thing over and over and still being fresh each time is an art in itself. Far be it for me to tell you what to write about, but maybe for the sake of your regular readers try something a bit different? Maybe something a little more specific rather than such broad, sweeping strokes. But hey, that's just an opinion, feel free to disregard.

Anyway, let's get technical. Magpie and Isha both touched on it, but didn't really nail it. The problem with this poem is it is not accessible enough. Lists are pretty much a bullet to the head for a poem. Description is great, but all you have here is bricks; no mortar. It is impossible for a reader to immerse themselves in this grocery list. These are just words writing out a scene, not the scene itself. Basically, I already know what coiling and burning and breaking and consuming and raging and stuff mean, and if I don't I could find out in a dictionary. But this isn't a dictionary. Tell me what they mean to you, and why they're important, both in the context of this poem, and in general. Be specific. Don't give me a vague list of somewhat related words for me to string together and glean a general vibe from, give me sensation, colour, taste, smells, etc. Description is a real art. To improve, I think we can start by culling the unnecessary bits. Focus on being specific and deliberate. A general vibe is not good enough. Know where each image is supposed to go, and endeavour to take your audience there. I know I hammer content > everything else into you, and you're getting it. That's awesome. Now we just need to refine the execution.

You're doing well Padawan, keep it up.

Mentoro.

Hi there.

It's interesting, to say the least. Lots of descriptive words.

I'm going to classify this as a kind of stream of consciousness poem. The words all tumbling over each other at once have that kind of thing going on. I definitely get a lot of images from this poem.

My suggestion is to break it up with commas a little more. If you do that, it will be easier for the reader to absorb so many images at once. It'll help them take a little breath inside this whirlwind of adjectives and fire. For example, in the repeated stanza, I would write the last line like this: "Coiling, contorted, burning, breaking" (also, in the last stanza, contorted is "tontorted." Just thought I'd let you know). Do that with other places that have lots of adjectives. It'll help.

The repeated stanza is nice, and pleasing to the eye. However, I feel like if you put one at the beginning, and one at the end, it would serve the poem better. If something is repeated too much, my eyes tend to skim over the stanza without actually reading it because I know what's coming. If you only use it twice, my eyes won't do that, and they'll act as nice little bookends.

It was a pleasure to review this. Nice job. Happy writing.

Very interesting. I'm kind of a sucker for interesting pagination and a sympathetic turns toward the victims of the Father's strange ego. I hope to see where this develops, how it smooths out, rough edges being inevitable to the grander pieces--lots of spaces for them to hide. My one suggestion is to consider the use of Nabucodonosor...heavy handed, really rough on the flow. Maybe flow isn't your explicit purpose, but I feel it building up until that point, where I end up feeling my reading-mind stumbling over the tumble of that name. Again, I hope this really blooms into a satisfying and popular piece after a little more shaping and polish.

*cracks knuckles*

H'okay, so I'm just going to cut straight to it. I mentioned to you over private chat that there are too many adjectives/adverbs, and occasionally verbs.

For example;

Coiling twisting burning building

red anger fire blind hatred acid pouring
cast from high crushing smiting tyrant's throne

delirium madness abject terror those stripped of comforting lies by Him remain

Trapped imprisioned he bides he tears at his cage