Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,716 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Hey Ita,
I'm glad you brought this to my attention, it was actually an enjoyable read. Mind, I felt it's enjoyability was directly proportional to how much time I was willing to spend plowing through it; needless to say, I've made great use of my wiki and dictionary tab, and I think I've kung-fued my google skills to plus1, and I'm glad because it was worth it. I'm just one reader though - so certainly if you intend on revising, I'd ask around about clarity/ease of reading, and just measure up responses; dogs' suggestion of adding footnotes might be handy. And Karz' suggestion of eliminating that second stanza I think will solve all my problems with it. It was exactly that stanza which hung me up, if only because I kept asking myself where this was going, where this was in relation to the rest of the poem and who it was who was bent over writing; I think this part reads better when you have the time to develop the concept/scene/premise. Now, I kind of see how you're playing with a perception of time here, so we'll get to that in a moment...
On a serious level note though - I really did like the concept behind this piece, it's Life of Pi meets clockwork universe theory; it is bleak/dark and it's a shuddering thought, but there is a beautiful symmetry in the way this is realized throughout the poem, where we get the Unmentioned bending over writing because there is need for hope, or as you said, there is need for that spark.
So, on a technical level...
Immersed. You've one e too many.
Dogwood brings me to springtime Southern plantations in the US, where your rest of the poem is more Bible/greek/latin references.
This was one of the many places I had to stop and ponder what your intention/direction for this line was. While I understand various histories/symbolisms of dogwood - the fact that this still takes the reader out of the poem is a problem. I suggest rewriting, perhaps houndswood/Hounds Tree? Those have been alternate names. Chaucer in Canterbury Tales used 'whipple tree' and there's a fascinating story behind that connotation though, that might need footnoting. Anyway those alternatives to me brings a more darker/horror kind of olden times/supernatural imagery that might mesh better with your other latin references. But that's up to you.
How do you have all this sophisticated language, that you manage to come up at me with bam-pow images like ichor and Azazel and then vague me out with "tears and abandoned memories" that are gonna stick out like a black eye in this poem. Ew, ew, just gross. No, find another way to say this, I know you can do better. I don't mean to throw in ridiculous vocabulary for the sake, but how many emo-poems/songs have you heard the same words in? Yeaaah, exactly. Come up with something more concrete/original. Doesn't even have to be complicated.
I like your assonance -- that repetitive "ih" sound that works well portraying a dripping ih, ih, ih image, that also blends well metaphorically with the ticking of time. Good stuff. but the problem here is that the actual meaning and connotations of the words don't mesh as well. For example, can something ichorous be also viscous? And if something is viscous, I find it hard to picture it dripping, and easier to see it ooze or plop, you can maybe get away with drizzling. I understand that you're talking about a god's blood here, and I love the imagery for that, but blood in general is actually very runny/liquid. It has the properties of clotting, because your body is resourceful like that -- but I'm not sure what it is you're going for here.
But even ignoring all that, I'd scratch out golden. I think ichor itself in reference to god's blood already has that association, plus, all these adjectives/words, it begins to be a mouthful/bogging your lines. I recommend just trying to make it more precise? Do we really need both "dusty" and "cracked" bones, or just one versus the other, or is there a more specific word that will associate both meanings? Similarly, down the line - things like "corroded machines of silver" the machine/silver association in my mind is already default, it's like saying the grass is green. Just a way to make your lines more crisp/clean- especially that second stanza as it seems to be the problem spot, at least for me. It might just be because of the awkward verb without a subject. I dunno, I'm still mulling it over.
So, I get this sense that this poem is a time bomb, and there's this weird thing with time that is happening here, but I'm not fully realizing it yet, as it keeps throwing my mind for a loop. I kind of wonder if the reason you're repeating that second stanza if at all is because of this time thing? But if that's the case, it's not coming across.
You have the throne itself which sits in present tense, the repeated stanza bit in past tense, the war is over, because the maker lost -- past tense -- but the hearts beat on -- present tense, and the desert sands blow/revolt in present tense, and the repeated stanza again in past tense. Oh yeah, and then you have latin thrown in there. So, yeah, you can see where my mind is right now. lol!
But despite all my nitpickyness, this is good stuff Ita. Seriously. You need to bring your poetry to my attention more often.
~ as always, Audy
Oh man, you submitted. Nice. Sorry I haven't been able to look at this with you recently, life's been getting in the way. I'm still not sold on the repetition of the second stanza, I'd put it only at the end and not the beginning. But yeah, it's good man. Congrats on the feature.
I have nothing to say about this. OuO
As always, beautiful imagery and choice of words. Almost everything in this poem is written like a pro!
I agree with dogs about the last stanza. I would have preferred reading more of your writing than just seeing something repeated. ^^"
Other than that, OMG I love your poems. They're by far the best I've ever read. And the themes are awesome.
Keep writing, Ita! Post another poem soon!!!!! OuO!
*noms on me brownie*
Hello there Louis! Dogs here with your review. I appologize in advance for any spelling errors I have in this review, my spell check isn't working for some reason. Anywho, this is a top notch piece of writing and I loved reading it. I really enjoyed how you incorporated the latin into your writing. Although, I had to do some looking up to see what they meant, it worked well. Perhaps put a note about what they mean at the end of the poem though. Anywho, in terms of choice of words and imagery, this piece is just flawless. So much excellent wroding, let's dive in now shall we?
"the simulacrum toils,"
This line, oh my goodness this line. Such solid writing here, really loved reading this bit. I think that your second stanza is certainly the strongest in your writing. As a side note though, you don't have to capitalize every single word that begins each line. In my opinion, it looks a little sloppy and have a variety of of capitals and lowercase letters looks far better. Of course, grammar is entirely up to the writer.
Furthermore, apart from your just picture perfect writing style and flow, your lines are far too long for this piece. Try make a couple more lines to help out with the rhythm of your writing, the blocks of texts just get difficult to read threw while still keeping your excellent flow of writing. So when you say:
"
Bent over cracked and dusty bone, as the touch of a cross, the simulacrum toils,
Crow-quill pen poised, tip dripping with viscous golden ichor,
A dappled iron cage for a bleak mind devoid of spark,
As it writes the Reqiuem's book, bound in tears and abandoned memories;"
Try saying: "Bent over cracked and dusty bone,
as the touch of a cross, the simulacrum toils.
Crow- quill pen poised,
tip dripping with viscous golden ichor,
a drappled iron cage for
a bleak mind, devoid of spark,
as it writes the reqiuem's book,
bound in tears and abandoned memories;"
It just reads smoother and looks better in my opinion.
Now that we've gotten that note out of the way, the only other thing I have to say is that I really don't like how you repeated the second stanza in the end. Unless I'm missing blatently obvious as to why this stanza should be repeated. I think that you should come up with something equally creative as this stanza. I want to read more of your excellent writing that I haven't read before.
Really that's all I have to say, your writing is just jaw droppingly amazing. Such excellent flow to your words. Fix up those little problems and you'll be doing good. I usually don't give out likes to poems, but you sure bought one off me. Nice job, keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh