Legion ov our Lord

Hellooo there, Ita, dear

First I must say, though you already know it, I am not a poet myself. Not at all. Yet when something catches my eye, I do take my time to review it and, well, this one caught my eye.
I'm also not a native English speaker, so I won't be talking about grammar stuff here.
Now, onto the review.

I like this poem very much. Your images are so vivid, I can easily imagine myself being there. I can hear the sounds and even imagine the smell, even though you don't mention it.
You made it flow so nicely. It is, in a way, cut with the military-ish talks and the exclamation marks, yet it doesn't feel shattered (like a lot of poems do), and the nice flow that pulls the reader in does not go away.

Also, Latin. Latin adds an almost romantic dimension to the whole thing, and makes it a contrast to that same military-ish talks.

This poem is dark, kind of violent, and actually tells a lot about what kind of music you like. Or maybe I say that because I know what kind of music you like, but in any case, if your idea was to write something similar, I think you did it
It makes me see an army of demons rise from the mist and shadows, their eyes and smiles sharp on their faces, entering a fallen city (or soon-to-be fallen city).. And, well, I like demons, I like shadows, I like fallen cities, I like Latin and I like how you connect it with those dark sides of religion without getting close to judging anything or cheering for anyone.

All in all, obviously, a very, very nice piece of writing you have here. I somehow feel the need for music after reading it - that kind of music, that is.

Keep writing, like I know you will!

Kind regards as always,
Your Sis :3

Dropping the tiniest review because I'm Lumi and I can do that.

1. Everything Karzwife said, particularly the notes about your refrains into

Betrayers! Traitors! Murderers!

One! Two! Three! March!

Hey Other Lumi.

Good to see you producing. It's been a little while since you have, hasn't it?

So, this one. First, what's with 'ov'? There had better be a really good reason that I'm missing, or I'm just not convinced.

Second, repetition. I know you're into that, and it's clear that you were going for the mantra-thing here, but I think you've overdone it. The Latin refrain from the Vulgate is cool, and more importantly, effective. The repetition of Sixth Legion, Betrayers! Traitors! Murderers!, One! Two! Three! March!, and especially the form of each stanza is just overkill I think. Betrayers! Traitors! Murderers! is especially bad. Unless it is a direct quote from a historical figure (and I'm missing the reference) it is a waste of a line. It's not just unpoetic, it's anti-poetic. In explicitly saying what you're trying to say you're missing the whole point of modern poetry - saying something that cannot be immediately said explicitly. Basically, it's Kamas' Rule of Lists (Kamas' Rule of Lists is "don't do lists"). The accusation of crimes like that is potentially powerful, there are so many great ways you could say it without just dumping it out there.

Third, references. References are great. If you've never read T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land you really should. The thing about references though is to be effective they have to be obvious enough for the audience to either get it first go, or get it after a little bit of googling. But you're really testing me here Other Lumi. The Vulgate quote is obvious, as is the whole fallen angels thing. What I'm struggling with is the Sixth Legion. I'm guessing a Roman legion because of the Latin bits, and I know there were two Roman legions called the Sixth, the Ferrata and the Victrix, and I know the Ferrata was the garrison of Syria and Judea for a few centuries, and I know that Ferrata deserted Scipio to join Caesar in the Africa war, and I know that Ferrata (under Mark Antony) fought against Victrix (under Octavian) at Actium, but I'm struggling to make sense of your poem in light of this. It's one thing to be dense and complex in your references, and it's a whole other to purposely make references that go nowhere in order to make a statement, but I don't think you're going for either here. You're just being overly obscure, and not giving the readers enough to grasp onto, so your references fall flat.

So. What you have here is good. I'm actually quite impressed. But it can be improved. The unnecessary bits need to be culled, and the rough bits need to be smoothed out. Then you'll have something pretty good I think. I'd love to feed pad this with you some time, if you'd like.

Le K.

Okay, well, super dark. Super gory. Super military-like. And pretty demonic.

Sweet. >u<

I don't really have anything to say about this, cause I can't really find anything wrong with it, so... keep it up! ^u^

eh...
Interesting format, but verb choice and wording seem sort of mundane/cliche to me.

Two questions: 1. why spell all your "of's" "ov's"? 2. Why is there a "One! Two! Three! March!" after every stanza?

In the case of the second, it's more than slightly cheesy, and it distracts from the rest of the poem.