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Withered

by Anwesha


Strolled along a garden
They called it ‘Life’.
Adored the dainty flowers,
Adored their radiant sight
 
Said to all others,
“Oh! Look how pretty they are.”
Lamenting, they said to me,
“There's more to it than meets the eye.”
 
Turned a deaf ear to them
And walked on my own
Fell for the dainty flowers,
Oh, I behaved like a stone.
 
The roses in that garden
Bore no thorns.
Even the butterflies of the garden
Knew no struggle
 
Stayed there for long
And found few things strange.
The sunflower faced not the sun
And the leaves never fell.
 
Then I saw what remained blotted till now.
I saw the garden was fake, kind of plastic.
Though exuberant on the outside,
It was all withered inside.
 


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:50 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there, Anwesha. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3

Strolled along a garden

I'm really not a fan of the dropped sentence subjects here. It just strikes me as being gimmicky and tacky. You also switch back into the more conventional subject-verb construction later in the poem, which made the lack of subjects in these first three stanzas even more jarring, so I'd recommend not dropping the subjects to begin with.

You also have some rather odd phrasings such as this line:

Oh, I behaved like a stone.

How can someone behave like a stone? And why is there an "oh" at the beginning?

Then I saw what remained blotted till now.

I'm not sure you used "blotted" correctly here.

Overall, the reveal at the end felt a bit rushed. There wasn't really much developed about the garden itself to really make the reveal surprising or meaningful. The focus was more on the narrator than the garden is what it reads like, and it's also why the reveal falls flat since the reveal focuses entirely on the garden.

If you were to keep the garden itself as the center of focus instead of the narrator's actions, then the reveal at the end would be more effective.





All hail the mighty Glow Cloud.
— Welcome to Night Vale