16+

NYLON - 1

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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After pushing a few forgotten pieces of metal out of the way, Cody Stratton reaches into the pile of garbage and pulls out what looks like a hard spherical object. He blows some of the dust off, revealing a label that says: ‘Grafton Bouncy-Ball, now with Extra Bounce!’ With a curious twist of his wrist, he inspects all sides of the ball. It’s solid, heavier than he expected—industrial plastic, maybe. Definitely high-class materials that could only be found in Nylon City.

“Hey, Lily! I found this ball that apparently has extra bounce. I wonder what it’s for.”

There’s a silence that stretches for so long that Cody wonders if she got lost or left him behind. But in a few moments, some shuffling is heard and Lilian Carter appears from behind a giant pile of trash. She runs toward him, her expression glowing with excitement. She’s carrying a multitude of items in four or five bags, and her clothes and blonde hair are covered in grime. With her she carries the rusty scent of metal and mildew, like everything else down in the Sub-City. But even through the dirty exterior, her eyes gleam with a sort of dreamy hopefulness that catches Cody by surprise.

Lilian sets down her bags and inspects the Grafton Bouncy-Ball.

“Maybe it’s a weapon. It’d probably pack a punch if I threw it hard. Very aerodynamic.”

While she’s looking at the ball that Cody found, he crouches down and starts looking through her collection. The bags are filled with the strangest, most random objects. An empty bottle of booze, an unwashed plate with food scraps still stuck to it, and more forks and spoons than Cody can count. There’s even some technology, which seems to be the most valuable out of all the ridiculous objects she found. There’s a small glowing screen that seems to be displaying some type of unintelligible message, and a few pieces of broken hardware that could have been part of a computer or similar.

“Lily. What did I say about quality over quantity? The servoids are not going to pay that much for these dirty utensils. You’re just wasting your time.”

Lilian shakes her head and grins. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, Cody. On the surface, they may seem like dirty utensils, but within them hides the mysteries of Nylon City!”

“Here we go again . . .”

She snatches the fork from Cody’s hand with a flourish and scrambles up a mound of garbage, the clatter of tumbling metal echoing through the dim chamber. Loose wires and shattered plastic skid down behind her. At the summit, she wobbles, teetering for a breathless second, then plants her feet with defiant grace.

For a moment, silhouetted against a flickering overhead light, she looks like some self-crowned monarch of the wasteland. Like the Queen of the Garbage, Cody thinks to himself, inwardly chuckling at that silly title.

Lilian dramatically raises the fork into the air and begins her tale.

“This fork right here? It was held by one of the richest festives from the planet Gourmandia. He was so rich that for each bite of his food, he would grab another fork and toss the old one away. This right here is one of those legendary forks.”

“Does this Gourmandia really exist?”

“Maybe. I sure hope it does.”

“And you figured this all out by looking at a fork?”

Lilian nods proudly. After she’s done basking in her glory atop the pile of trash, she slowly climbs down. When she touches the floor, Lilian holds up the ball from earlier with bubbly excitement.

“I figured it out, Cody. I think I know what this is for. The ball . . . bounces!”

“So what?”

“It bounces, Cody!”

Cody grabs the ball from her hand and throws it as hard as he can at a wall. They watch it disappear into the darkness. Cody enjoys the look of despair in her face as she wonders if the ball is lost forever. In a few seconds it comes bouncing back, just like it was advertised. Cody grabs it out of the air and turns to Lilian.

“It bounced. Nothing happened.”

“You’re not understanding me,” Lilian says, exasperated, “The point is that it bounces!”

“Okay? How did we benefit from that? We’re still hungry and thirsty and low on credits.”

Lilian quickly wrenches the ball from Cody’s hands.

“Not everything’s about credits, you know.”

Lilian spins the ball in her hand, her eyes lighting up as she continues, “I mean, sure, we’re stuck digging through this trash and metal down here, but up there? Maybe they just bounce stuff. For fun. Can you imagine that? Just bouncing a ball ‘cause you want to, not ‘cause you’re trying to feed yourself?”

She tosses it into the air and lets it fall to the ground, bouncing twice before she grabs it out of the air. “Imagine if we were festives who could just party all day. We’d be like Rylan. I’ll bet he’s having so much fun in Nylon City right now!”

At the mention of that name, a shadow crosses over Cody’s eyes before he quickly masks it. He clears his throat and shifts uncomfortably.

“We’re not festives.”

“Huh?”

“We’re not festives, so I don’t see how this has anything to do with us,” Cody says with finality. He hates when Lilian talks about Nylon City like it’s some dreamy paradise. As far as Cody knows, it’s just noise, neon, and empty luxury: a cesspool of wasteful partying that leaves tons of garbage for the normal folk to dig through to even survive.

Let them keep their bouncy balls and glittering lights.

But he doesn’t say that. He never does. He doesn’t want to interrupt her joyous fantasy, not when people like her are in such short supply.

Suddenly, Lilian’s voice rings through the musty, stuffy air. He didn’t even notice her run off, but she did. And now she’s calling out to him.

“Holy crap, Cody. Look at what I found! It might sell for a lot!”

Cody quickly gets up and walks over to Lilian. She’s holding something, and as Cody gets closer, he observes a gold amulet engraved with a regal lion. She looks up at him excitedly.

“I think this is a good catch. We might even get a few hundred credits with this, Cody! We can finally get that fluffy jacket you wanted to buy from Old Benson.”

Cody quickly denies the offer. “It’s fine. I didn’t even want it that bad. Since you’re the one who found it, you should keep the credits.”

“That’s very kind of you, but I know you’re imagining that fluff right now.”

As they start to leave, Cody looks behind him at the dump. His entire life depends on the sustenance from scavenging in the garbage dumps, so this daily exploration with Lilian is nothing new. It’s a fairly large enclosed concrete room filled with heaps of garbage. Various tubes form openings in the ceiling with the purpose of dropping trash into the room. In the corridor leading out of the room, Cody spots a faded, but barely legible label on the wall: ‘Garbage Disposal Section A-12’.

“C’mon, Cody. What are you staring at?”

“Nothing,” he says, then turns his attention back to walking with Lilian. Before long, they pass by three other people going in the opposite direction. Cody is immediately on guard and watches them closely as they get closer. He’s not going to take any risks, especially with the good haul he and Lilian had just gotten.

At the front is a girl with short messy hair, and behind her are two younger kids, presumably siblings. The two kids shy away from Lilian and Cody and hide behind their sister. Cody realizes they’re probably not up to anything after reading their body language. He decides to ignore them, but Lilian has other plans.

“Scavenging?” Lilian asks them brightly.

A girl at the front of the trio responds with a guarded, jaded tone, “Yes. What about it?”

“I’d be careful. The servoids are probably going to clear it out soon,” Lilian replies helpfully, with no trace of malice or rudeness. The group of three seem a bit surprised at her statement, as if the kindness in her voice was unexpected. Cody sees this happen a lot, and wonders if Lilian is just too naive to realize people are naturally suspicious in the Sub-City.

After they fail to respond, Lilian throws them a thumbs up and then motions for Cody to keep moving.

“C’mon, Cody. You’re too slow.”

“Says the one who isn’t holding any bags.”

The ceiling of the tunnel drips rust water, and above that—miles of concrete, steel, and secrets—Nylon City glimmers brilliantly. Cody would never want to go there voluntarily. He hates everything about Nylon City, particularly what it represents: a tower of gold built on the suffering of those beneath it.

“You didn’t forget how to get back to the Patch, right?” asks Cody.

“Please. I could find my way there blindfolded.”

“Alright, alright. Just checking.”

As they’re walking through the tunnels, they pass by other people every once in a while—other Sub-City residents. They all look so worn-out and dejected, but it’s nothing new. Cody sees this almost every day. The Sub-City is just a holding pen for the defeated.

Thankfully, some parts of the Sub-City are a little nicer: namely, the Patch.

“We’re back, everyone!” Lilian announces, skipping ahead into the huge clearing up ahead. Exhausted from carrying the bags, Cody shuffles in and looks around at the Patch. It’s a large chamber, many times larger than the garbage dump they were just at. Near the sides are many small makeshift homes patched together with old signage, rusted beams, and fabric scraps. Like their residents, the little houses are barely holding up, but still functional. There’s a few people out and about, but most everyone is probably in their house or tent.

He spots some familiar faces emerging from the patchwork homes. They walk out into the open, where theres old machinery and boxes scattered about, lit up by flickering overhead lights. Marilyn steps out of her home with her two boys rushing out to greet Lilian. From a low tent nearby, Old Benson shuffles into the light, leaning on a crooked metal beam for balance.

“Need help?” Cody asks. Old Benson shakes his head.

“Your hands looking mighty busy. I won’t bother,” he says in a low, gravelly voice.

Cody reaches in and takes out a spoon. “Want this? Lilian found a ton of these utensils today. It’s all going to get traded off to the servoids anyway, so might as well take a few. I won’t even charge you anything.”

“Nay. I’ll just eat with my hands. Let me see the full haul.”

“Go ahead.”

Cody finds a box nearby for Old Benson to sit on as he sifts through the bag. As he looks up, he sees Marilyn coming over alone. She’s a beautiful woman, wearing a dress that looks like it was made from lots of different fabrics combined, but the design still looks pretty good. Her face, weathered by motherhood, still glimmers with a flicker of whimsy.

“I see Benson’s digging through your junk again,” she comments. “I wonder when he’s going to realize there can’t be anything of value in a garbage dump.”

“Quiet, woman. I’m focusing.”

Marilyn chuckles and turns to Cody.

“How was the scavenging today? Found any books?”

Cody shakes his head. Marilyn sighs, and turns to look at her sons playing with Lilian in the open space in the middle of the Patch. How she still has energy to keep up with the boys, Cody will never know.

“I’ll just get Gil and Tommy to reread some of the stuff we already have. But please be on the lookout for anything with writing. I don’t want the boys to grow up illiterate like their dad.”

“There were a lot of books at the sector we came from, but it’s pretty dangerous there now.”

Marilyn’s voice was steady, but her eyes flickered with worry. “I’ll figure something out. Worst comes to worst, you and Lilian could write something for them, right?”

“I’d be glad to.”

Life in the Patch isn’t perfect—more survival of the clingiest than anything—but it has its own strange sense of family. And that’s something Cody clings to, especially in a place as bleak as the Sub-City. As he thinks this, a few lights flicker overhead, as if to warn that their artificial daylight could be smothered at any moment.

Lilian and the boys rush over excitedly.

“What are you guys talking about?” Lilian asks. Gil and Tommy just stand next to her looking up and them expectantly. If he remembers correctly, Gil is seven, and Tommy is eight. He replies to Lilian.

“We were discussing Gil and Tommy’s educational situation. Next time we scavenge we should be on the lookout for books.”

“Oh. Did you try asking the other scavengers?” Lilian asks, turning to their mother.

Marilyn replies, “They’re not nearly as cooperative as you two. Most scavengers just go straight to the trading post to get the credits.”

“They’re probably saving up to go to Nylon City,” Cody points out, and at the mention of Nylon, Lilian perks up.

“Just like Rylan did!”

“Speaking of Rylan, any news regarding his Nylon City visit? Gil and Tommy really miss him.”

“Adventure, adventure!” Tommy says, jumping up and down. Gil nods fervently next to him. But as much as they buzz with hope, Cody’s has no good news.

Cody hesitates for a moment on how to reply. “I guess he’s . . . still up there.”

“Of course he is,” Lilian says with a dreamy smile, her gaze drifting upward as if she can already see the city shining above. “I mean, it is the City of Celebration. He’s probably partying away having more fun than we can imagine. Gil, Tommy, did Rylan ever tell you about the sky?”

The word ‘sky’ hangs in the air. Cody had heard it before but never understood. Here, under this low, musty ceiling that traps the Patch like a cage, the sky is a forgotten dream.

“Beyond this ceiling,” Lilian says softly, “there’s a sky. It’s huge—bigger than anything you can imagine.”

Gil asks excitedly, “Bigger than the Patch?”

“Even bigger. Bigger than the whole Sub-City. Maybe ten Sub-Cities.”

Gil’s eyes grow wide. “Really? Ten times?”

Tommy’s jaw drops, mirroring his brother’s amazement.

“And guess what—if you go to Nylon City, which is just right above us, you’ll be able to see it. You’ll see the sky.”

Gil and Tommy stare upward, their young faces frozen in awe. They're picturing the sky as something bright and boundless, a place where dreams live. In their minds, it’s probably blue and soft and endless, a storybook ending just waiting to be found.

Lilian doesn’t speak either. Her eyes are distant now, still fixed on the ceiling as though if she stares hard enough, she might see through it. The glow in her voice is gone, not from doubt, but from yearning. Her silence is the silence of someone who has loved an idea too long, too hard, and is begging to fulfil it however she can.

Cody looks at her, then at the boys. He stays quiet because he doesn’t know how to shatter it—this dream she's passed to them like it’s candy. The silence of someone who doesn’t have the heart to take them away from someone else.

“Holy crap!” Old Benson suddenly shouts, breaking the silence, and everyone turns to him. He’s holding up something in the air—the amulet that Lilian found earlier.

“What’s wrong?” Cody asks, walking up to him. Everyone crowds around him, curious as to what he’s so excited about.

“This . . . this necklace. This amulet,” he says, inspecting the amulet on every side. “I’d seen this design before. Back when I was I was a young buck, visitin’ Nylon.”

“You’ve been to Nylon City? And you’ve never told us?” Lilian asks, betrayal in her voice.

Old Benson harrumphs dismissively. “You never asked.”

“What’s special about the amulet, Benson?” Cody asks. And at that, Old Benson shrugs.

“I ain’t got no idea, boy. I just know it’s got to be important.”

Cody nods and decides it might be time to leave, but Lilian won’t go.

“Benson, please tell us about your time in Nylon City. It’s okay if you don’t remember the whole thing. Just please, tell us anything. I’m tired of fantasizing, I want to know.”

She looks right at Old Benson, and he just stares right back. His expression is unreadable, but he eventually cracks. But his voice when he replies is not excitable and hopeful like Cody expects. It’s somber.

“Nylon City? I guess I have a few words for you.”

Lilian nods, her eyes bright.

“It’s the one place in this damn world that I can’t stand. It’s all fake. Fake as a servoid’s smile. If you ain’t swimmin’ in credits, don’t even think ’bout tryin’ your luck up there. Folks who do? They just crawl back down here, broken and broke. That place ain't built for people like us. Ain’t nobody with a brain would go up there. Only a fool would. And I was one hell of a fool.”

Hearing that, Cody looks at Lilian’s reaction. At first, she doesn’t move. But then her lips part slightly, as if she’s about to speak—and close again just as fast. Her lips tremble as she struggles to find something to say. Cody reaches toward her, gentle and unsure. But she spins on her heel and bolts, her footsteps echoing off the metal like a retreating heartbeat.

He stays frozen for a moment, hand still outstretched. Sometimes, he forgets that beneath all that fire in her heart, she’s still just a fifteen year old girl.

“Sorry about that. I’ll go calm her down.”

Marilyn nods, “And I’ll reprimand this rude old man.”

“Huh? I only speak the truth!”

“You could have said it nicer!”

Cody quickly grabs the bags Lilian left behind and snatches the amulet from Old Benson’s hand.

“Hey! I wanted that, son!”

“It’s not yours,” Cody says with a glare that makes Old Benson waver. He doesn’t wait for more bickering.

Cody throws some bags over his shoulder and takes off down the corridor Lilian vanished into, the dim lights flickering above him like dying stars. 

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Tikaya
Review
Tikaya wrote a review · Mon Dec 08, 2025 5:13 pm

There we go. Finally made it back to this story. It’s gonna be weird since I know something of the characters already =D

…And we begin with a verrry long sentence. This one’s pretty cumbersome to read and you end with something as unspecific as “hard spherical object”. I know this story is interesting but hui that intro could have gone better ^^°
Also balls don’t have sides, right? I like the curious twist of the wrist, just not the rest of the sentence.

Feels like Cody’s first line just repeats what we already learnt :/ A bit variety?

Oh, I would love some indication on who says which line of dialogue.

You have a sentence in there that has the word “looking” in it twice ☹

I get a very Arielle vibe from Lily in this, especially with keeping the forks =D really love this paragraph. And the next one. And the line after that too: “She snatches the fork from Cody’s hand[…]”

I like how you characterize Lily 😊

Okay, you are losing me with the scene where Lilli announced that the ball bounces, then Cody randomly throws the ball “against a wall” but it is so dark it disappears so why did he know there is a wall and what. And then the ball comes back and he can perfectly predict where it would go to catch it even though it was Lily who “found out” about the bounciness. It’s just very confusingly written and characterization suffers. It just seems needlessly mean that he’s waiting for her despaired expression :/

“Not everything’s about credits, you know.” I want to disagree with Lily here bc their sit is so dire. But I also disagree with Cody since earlier he mentioned that the material of the ball is pretty special so the thing might be worth it from that alone?
Kinda feel like you should put this line in the next paragraph to really group all of Lily’s actions and speech together.

Oh she is so precious. I can see why she’s so obsessed with staying in Nylon in the coming chapters: “Maybe they just bounce stuff. For fun. Can you imagine that?“
And I like that Cody thinks this: “not when people like her are in such short supply.” Also very good characterization!

“ a gold amulet engraved with a regal lion.” !!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is it the amulet??????

I think I love her: “I know you’re imagining that fluff right now.”

No, bad yosh, no repetition: “watches them closely as they get closer“ too close D=
In general, you should look again if you can get rid of some of the repetitions in this chapter. If only to make me happy =D

Gooood question, why ISN’T she holding any bags?? “Says the one who isn’t holding any bags.”

Well, life do be having other plans, huh, Cody? “Cody would never want to go there voluntarily.“

Hm interesting that Cody would question Lily’s ability to get back home. It feels like it should be gentle ribbing but at the same time, I’m not too familiar with their dynamic yet and he has been needlessly mean just a few paragraphs ago so… yeah I am identifying a lot with Lily and I would not appreciate such a comment xd

Hmm I think you are going about the wrong way when you describe places. I noticed it with the garbage disposal too. Like you introduce the patch as a “part of Sub-City” and then a clearing. And then it’s a chamber with makeshift homes and I feel a little lost. Maybe you can clearly state somewhere that they are underground and what you mean by clearing? I still don’t really know what this looks like bc you only said that at the edge are the patch houses but then the residents are walking about and… Well, maybe you could give a general overview and then go into specifics at the particular corner that the MCs meet Old Benson. Since I have no idea what their immediate surroundings look like once they talk to him. He’s holding a metal beam tho. And he comes from some tent somewhere? Where? The middle of the patch? The sides? NOBODY KNOWS.

Found a missing apostrophe: “theres old machinery” there’s

Is… motherhood really weathering a face? That’s… well. Sad.

Had to smile at that considering how my own chapter ended: “How she still has energy to keep up with” 😊

Again you have sentences with no indication who says them. Take a look at this: “There were a lot of books at the sector we came from, but it’s pretty dangerous there now.” Is this Cody? What sector is he talking abt? The one with the garbage? I feel like if you bring this up you should be more specific ☹
Did he come from a better sector and had to move into the Patch for some reason? He’s literate so he has had some education unlike other Patch residents. Lily too. Interesting interesting.

Found a missing comma: “He’s probably partying away, having more fun than we can imagine.”

Oh this doesn’t sound good. “ broken and broke“ Hui ☹ Makes me feel for the ppl who tried and failed. Also: “ And I was one hell of a fool.“ …wonder if that means he came back broken and broke….

Alrighty. A nice introduction chapter, a bit bogged down by descriptions that kinda feel like they come in the wrong order. Also I think you made Cody unintentionally mean to Lily. Like you want to show that they are good friends and used to each other but we just got to know them so their dynamic is still developing for readers. So you need to be extra careful with how you display their affection for each other and maybe be a bit overly clear in what is meant vs what is shown. Some throwaway lines to clarify how unbothered Lily is etc might work.

For each character: (depth, likeability, development, contributions)
Sooo what kinda characters do we have. We have Cody. Hi Cody! Seems very serious and pragmatic but does want to have a little fun (see the bouncy scene). He lost a few points for me with how he interacted with Lily here. But I do like how it comes across that he does want what’s best for her and would support her. I mean I know he will got to Nylon and it will probably be for her. Too soon to say something abt his depth. Also hasn’t really done anything for development so far. Just got established. Ah what does he contribute? He’s being suspicious of everything so his contribution is to let Lily’s cheerfulness and optimism shine =D

Onward to Lily. My favourite. I am a bit worried since she seems, from this chapter, a bit shallow. Like, does the phrase “manic pixie dream girl” ring a bell? She’s relentlessly cheerful in a situation where such thinking should be suppressed and she’s the one who has a dream beyond just surviving. But I don’t really see any of her deeper parts of personality. 1st chapter is good for establishing base personality but I hope I’ll see more nuance from her soon. Even her reaction to having her dream question is… expected. I still like her the most and her banter with Cody did work for me 😊

Who else is there… Hm we have the three scavengers. Interesting that there are no regulars who see each other often and know what to expect from each other. I like that nothing bad came of the interaction, and I like that they were surprised by Lily’s sunny attitude.

I didn’t find the kids Tommy and Gil particularly engaging. In fact, I am kinda miffed that they removed Lily from the scene since I find it a bit awkward in how she joins back in with her “what are you talking about”. It’s like… hm it feels like you didn’t want her to have a part in this conversation and then awkwardly spliced her back in when her contributions are necessary again. So. I blame the kids for that.

I like Benson. I like characters with tragic backstories and I feel like he probably has lots of trauma he’s unwilling to share. Also interesting that Lily and Cody trust him so explicitly with their found stuff. I mean this amulet is going to be crucial and they just let him look at it. It shows trust.

Marilyn is also fine. I like that she’s having a good rapport with Benson and can reign him in if necessary.

Predictions? Well, There is Rylan, and I think I remember him from before. Is that the guy they are searching for in the upcoming chapters? So I assume somewhen soon our characters will learn something devastating about him, requiring them to journey to Nylon. Also they will discover, somehow that the amulet has money. Looking forward to that scene too. Hm maybe there will be a crisis with robots beforehand. I mean you need to show what the robots/androids are and how they are interacting with the Sub-City dwellers. All in all, interesting stuff!

holy crap

i had an entire response but yws deleted it

i'll just respond to your next review :(

User avatar
velvetcatsz
Review

Hello! CATS here! I heard about a new novel! I promise to review ALL. XD
Let's dive in!
So first, I really love teenager stories and fiction, plus fantasy, so I'm really interested.
We meet two teenagers: Lily and Cody! They seem to be scavenging for food; I’m guessing they are homeless. That’s sad.
Lily seems full of energy while Cody is more of a quiet thinker. I like the personalities of the two!
Turns out that they are living with Marilyn? Is Marilyn the mother of the two or is she just the mother of the boys?
Poor them! Imagine never feeling the fresh airy breeze and gazing up at the bright blue sky and the wispy clouds. Now we learn that they are people who dreamed of going to Nylon City. They are living in a sub. Wait...I don’t understand why they annoy just take the subway to Nylon City.
But ANYWAYS I love the details so far!
Wow. The amulet from Old Benson must serve a stronger purpose later in the story that would probably change everything. It foreshadows that something would happen to them, maybe moving to Nylon City!
Ah, Lily is upset. I’m glad Cody went after her! The last details of the light and the stars comparison was such a good idea.
I am sorry for such a short review...I’m on a iPhone and it is hard to type. I apologize!!!
Overall I just really loved this chapter and I will move on to the next!
Happy Reading, Happy Writing, and Happy RevMo!!!
Love,
CATS

Hi thanks for the review!!

Sorry if it came across incorrectly, but they don't live with Marilyn. They live elsewhere, Marilyn is just in the Patch, which is a community in which they live. The Sub-City is also a name for the underground city beneath Nylon City. It has nothing to do with subways lol

I'm glad you like the story and I always appreciate reviews <3

OH ok so sorry I got it wrong lolll
Thanks for the explanation!!!

User avatar
ToastK
Review
ToastK wrote a review · Tue Sep 09, 2025 6:39 am

Hello yoshi! I don't think we've crossed paths before, but nevertheless, welcome back! I'm really glad to see the beginnings of a new novel.

First Impressions
ok... the first thing i wanted to mention is that i ABSOLUTELY love the vibes and premise of this story! It's got dystopia, sci-fi, teenage fiction all packed into a really robustly thought out universe.

I put a lot of emphasis on world building when it comes to stories, especially fiction as it can make or break immersion. And in this case, it makes.

The immediate separation of the two "worlds" of a supposed utopia and dystopia was really well done, and Nylon city seems like such a secular place full of hedonic, capitalistic pleasure. And, the sub-city really grounds this story into a lowly yet homely world for our main characters to start off from and progress out of.

For the Story
More than anything, I loved the usage of whimsical, descriptive words throughout the chapter. I feel like I have to mention this again, but you did such an amazing job at creating just the write atmosphere alongside a fitting narrative voice.

Whenever I review, what I critique the most about is usually the flow of the story (how it's read), as sometimes, although the writing is good, the flow isn't the smoothest with weird word choices here and there, or hard to follow sentence/paragraph structures. However, I didn't have any problem with that at all and the times I did get caught off-guard were just simple grammatical/punctuation mistakes/errors.

You also captivated the tone of the characters and the story really well, for example:

He doesn’t want to interrupt her joyous fantasy, not when people like her are in such short supply.

This really not only highlights Lilian's bubbly personality, but also underlines Cody's pragmatic and realist personality with the term "supply" to refer to Lily as if she was a resource to use and look out for.

Cody throws some bags over his shoulder and takes off down the corridor Lilian vanished into, the dim lights flickering above him like dying stars.

This sentence really sets off how dark, and almost cramped (because of the closed off sky and grungy aesthetic), the city is. Furthermore, the metaphor "dying star" really highlighted how this place's only source of light are probably the breaking lightbulb-thingymajigs (i'm a professional reviewer), and ends the chapter off with a more somber tone.

However, there are a couple bits of improvements that I personally feel would elevate this piece even higher.

Namely, I want to touch a bit on repetition
Cody is immediately on guard and watches them closely as they get closer.

While I think this is a pretty good sentence in most contexts, I think the repetition of "close" can feel a bit... lazy (that's not really the right word, more like "could've been done in a more lyrical, captivating thesaurus-y way").
If you would like, I think something more like
Cody is immediately on guard and watches them keenly as they approach closer.

Is this better? Not really. Writing is really subjective, but with the amount of synonyms in the English dictionary, if the same words are used too closely to one-another, the writing can come off as repetitive.

She looks right at Old Benson, and he just stares right back. His expression is unreadable, but he eventually cracks. But his voice when he replies is not excitable and hopeful like Cody expects. It’s somber.

Here's another passage that's totally fine, but the double-usage of "but" makes it seem repetitive. however, there is a simple way to change this. (get it?}
She looks right at Old Benson, and he just stares right back. His expression is unreadable, but he eventually cracks. However, his voice when he replies is not excitable and hopeful like Cody expects. It’s somber.

Again, is this better? No. But, it does allow for more diversity in the vocabulary used and the flow of the story smoother.

I don't really care about grammar because I should be the last person to judge someone else's grammar and I think that is an aspect that can be easily fixed so we'll skip over that part.

All in All
I loved this opening chapter and it set up a scene for a great new story. Immediately love your style of writing and can't wait to see what more you create!
And also, late welcome back to YWS and I know college app season is hard (I'm going through it too!), but hopefully you stick around for a while :)

Happy Writing!

TYSM for the review Toast!!! So glad to be meeting you for the first time!! Hope to see you on future chapters, cause I really liked your review, particularly the critiques on word choice.

Is this better? Not really. Writing is really subjective, but with the amount of synonyms in the English dictionary, if the same words are used too closely to one-another, the writing can come off as repetitive.


I totally agree!! I definitely struggle with writing compelling non-dialogue moments so I will definitely look out for that. And that repetition thing is honestly something I didn%u2019t catch, so thanks for that. Usually, I just end up getting too excited about whats to come and forget about whatever%u2019s happening at the moment yk :P I%u2019m guessing thats why this happens

And also, late welcome back to YWS and I know college app season is hard (I'm going through it too!), but hopefully you stick around for a while :)


Fellow sufferer of the college app season%u2026 wish u luck lol !!

Hope to see you back!! I see you reviewed the next chapter so that%u2019s where I%u2019m headed next LOL

-yoshi

User avatar
Wolfi
Review
Wolfi wrote a review · Mon Sep 08, 2025 1:49 am

Hey Yoshi! Saw you posted the beginning of a new novel and thought I'd drop by to give it a read! I'll leave some thoughts and general feedback as I go.

But even through the dirty exterior, her eyes gleam with a sort of dreamy hopefulness that catches Cody by surprise.

Love how you introduced this character!

“Lily. What did I say about quality over quantity? The servoids are not going to pay that much for these dirty utensils. You’re just wasting your time.”

Lilian shakes her head and grins. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, Cody. On the surface, they may seem like dirty utensils, but within them hides the mysteries of Nylon City!”

“Here we go again . . .”

This interaction is cracking me up.

So far I've learned that Lily and Cody are from the Sub-City, and they're digging through trash in Nylon City, which is undoubtedly wealthier, to the point where people are throwing away all this stuff, even technology that still works. The trash was thrown away fairly recently, I think - the plate still has food on it. The "servoids" are probably also from Sub-City if they're willing to pay these kids for the Nylon trash they find.

And as for characters, we know so far that Lily is playful and opportunistic, while Cody is pragmatic but patient.

Alright - back to reading! :D

She snatches the fork from Cody’s hand with a flourish and scrambles up a mound of garbage, the clatter of tumbling metal echoing through the dim chamber.

I think this is the first time we're told where this scene is located. I wasn't imagining a chamber - I was thinking they were digging around in some alleyways between buildings, or maybe at a landfill. I would definitely figure out a way to integrate the setting more clearly into the very first paragraph of the chapter!

For a moment, silhouetted against a flickering overhead light, she looks like some self-crowned monarch of the wasteland.

I love this description! And that mention of the wasteland is an intriguing hint about the setting - are we in a post-apocalyptic world?

“This fork right here? It was held by one of the richest festives from the planet Gourmandia. He was so rich that for each bite of his food, he would grab another fork and toss the old one away. This right here is one of those legendary forks.”

Hahaha LOVE THIS.

This does feel like a missed worldbuilding opportunity, though. What if instead of a story about some fictional planet, she told a story about a disgustingly rich Nylon resident, fictional but representative of the truth?

“And you figured this all out by looking at a fork?”

Lilian nods proudly.

What an archaeologist!

Cody grabs the ball from her hand and throws it as hard as he can at a wall. They watch it disappear into the darkness. Cody enjoys the look of despair in her face as she wonders if the ball is lost forever. In a few seconds it comes bouncing back, just like it was advertised. Cody grabs it out of the air and turns to Lilian.

The way this all plays out makes it seem like Cody knew exactly what was going to happen. He's so chill about it, y'know? But isn't this the first time he's seen a ball like this?

He hates when Lilian talks about Nylon City like it’s some dreamy paradise. As far as Cody knows, it’s just noise, neon, and empty luxury: a cesspool of wasteful partying that leaves tons of garbage for the normal folk to dig through to even survive.

Lots of depth in character- and world-building here, nicely done.

It’s a fairly large enclosed concrete room filled with heaps of garbage. Various tubes form openings in the ceiling with the purpose of dropping trash into the room.

This should be waaay earlier in the chapter!

“I’d be careful. The servoids are probably going to clear it out soon,” Lilian replies helpfully, with no trace of malice or rudeness. The group of three seem a bit surprised at her statement, as if the kindness in her voice was unexpected. Cody sees this happen a lot, and wonders if Lilian is just too naive to realize people are naturally suspicious in the Sub-City.

Aw, Lily is so sweet! If she's so different from everyone else and still naive about their unfriendliness, I'm wondering if she isn't from the Sub-City.

Exhausted from carrying the bags, Cody shuffles in and looks around at the Patch.

I always appreciate a gentleman, but why didn't Lily help carry her own bags? I feel like that should be addressed.

The word ‘sky’ hangs in the air. Cody had heard it before but never understood. Here, under this low, musty ceiling that traps the Patch like a cage, the sky is a forgotten dream.

Dang! He's never even seen the sky? ;-;

“You’ve been to Nylon City? And you’ve never told us?” Lilian asks, betrayal in her voice.

Old Benson harrumphs dismissively. “You never asked.”

“What’s special about the amulet, Benson?” Cody asks. And at that, Old Benson shrugs.

I'd appreciate more of Cody's thoughts sprinkled in this interaction. Is he also surprised that Old Benson went to Nylon City? Does he feel a little guilty that they've never asked him? Does he feel at least a little bit on edge that the old man is waving around the treasured amulet, that's supposed to net them a lot of credits?

“It’s the one place in this damn world that I can’t stand. It’s all fake. Fake as a servoid’s smile. If you ain’t swimmin’ in credits, don’t even think ’bout tryin’ your luck up there. Folks who do? They just crawl back down here, broken and broke. That place ain't built for people like us. Ain’t nobody with a brain would go up there. Only a fool would. And I was one hell of a fool.”

Hearing that, Cody looks at Lilian’s reaction. At first, she doesn’t move. But then her lips part slightly, as if she’s about to speak—and close again just as fast. Her lips tremble as she struggles to find something to say. Cody reaches toward her, gentle and unsure. But she spins on her heel and bolts, her footsteps echoing off the metal like a retreating heartbeat.

Oof! Seems like Benson is confirming here what Cody already believed. Lily's reaction surprised me. I mean, I know she wouldn't be happy to hear all those bad things about Nylon City, but surely this isn't the first time she's heard things like that. Cody harbors a lot of bitterness toward the city above them, and I highly doubt he and Benson are the only ones.

I appreciate that Lily is trying to stay positive and hold onto her dream, but naivety to this level just isn't making sense to me.

Cody throws some bags over his shoulder and takes off down the corridor Lilian vanished into, the dim lights flickering above him like dying stars.

Ooo that's a lovely little tie-in to the sky dialogue from earlier.

If it isn't already obvious, I absolutely loved this chapter and greatly enjoyed getting to know the main two characters and their world! You can bet I'll be paying a visit to the next chapter soon.

Keep up the great work!
Wolfi

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OMG Thank you so much for the review!!! I really like replying to reviews, so if you're going to review more, expect this to be a regular occurence lol.

First of all, I was actually super happy reading this review!! You pointed out a lot of spots where I totally agreed with your critiques, and your commentary sprinkled in was super nice to read. I%u2019m very thankful for having another pair of eyes on this work!!

I think this is the first time we're told where this scene is located. I wasn't imagining a chamber - I was thinking they were digging around in some alleyways between buildings, or maybe at a landfill. I would definitely figure out a way to integrate the setting more clearly into the very first paragraph of the chapter!


You talk about this later in the review as well, and I totally agree. I struggle with writing non-dialogue scenes in general so I appreciate the catch. Definitely adding that to my revision notes!

This does feel like a missed worldbuilding opportunity, though. What if instead of a story about some fictional planet, she told a story about a disgustingly rich Nylon resident, fictional but representative of the truth?


I think this is mostly because I wrote it a little vaguely, because the story she%u2019s telling IS about a fictional person from Nylon, but you are definitely correct that I thought this would be a great worldbuilding opportunity.

The way this all plays out makes it seem like Cody knew exactly what was going to happen. He's so chill about it, y'know? But isn't this the first time he's seen a ball like this?


!!!! Hmmm thats true!! I feel like if he were more unsure, it would make this interaction feel a little off, but I will definitely think about this.

Dang! He's never even seen the sky? ;-;


Tough life for Sub-City folk,,,

I appreciate that Lily is trying to stay positive and hold onto her dream, but naivety to this level just isn't making sense to me.


Now that you mention it, her naivete is very exaggerated. Not sure how to alleviate the issue other than toning down her childishness, but I am probably going to make her a few years younger on the second draft.

Anyway, Thank you so much for the review <3333 It was super helpful and I really hope to see you in the next chapter!!!

-yoshi

I LOVE thorough review replies - thanks for this, yoshi!! I would be happy to be a dedicated NYLON reviewer C:

Making Lily younger would definitely help - kids don't often know how the world works! It would also be a fun and unique dynamic for her to be a lot younger than Cody. I wanna see you push that older sibling/younger sibling dynamic! More importantly though, I would establish a solid logical reason for why she is so naive. What was so unique about her upbringing that she acts like this today?

woohoo I'm so glad you're willing to be a permanent reviewer especially since your reviews are very good!! And I'm glad you like review replies we are alike in that regard lol

I think the reason for Lilian's attitude you're looking for will be covered in the coming chapters, for sure!

I'm probably thinking 12 or 13 years old for Lily's new age probably.

Sweet, looking forward to learning what that reason is >:)



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— Several authors from the auspicious site.