EXT. PARK - DAY An everyday park. It’s got a playset somewhere, and a small grove of trees and some picnic tables. At one picnic table sits AXEL (male, 16). From afar, MIA (female, 17) approaches, carrying a small parcel under her arm. As she comes in the vicinity, Axel stands up. AXEL Mia. Hi. MIA Axel. Hey. The tension is palpable. They have a history— though it is unclear what kind of history it is. AXEL So. MIA Soooo. Silence. MIA The ball’s in your court, so to speak. I’ve said everything I want to say. Axel considers, then starts to talk. AXEL I liked it. The letter, I mean. I think… well. I knew you were a writer, I just… I didn’t know you were… yeah. MIA Yeah, well. There was a reason it was a letter. AXEL Hmm? MIA You’re the one who insists on an in person meeting. You know how hard it is for me to be here now, facing you? All I want to do is run over and climb that tree over there like I’m being chased by freaking wargs. I can’t… it’s not easy to face you. AXEL Yeah, um. There was a reason for the whole in-person thing. MIA Can’t really slap me for what I said over text, right? You also could have sent a carrier pigeon. Would not have said no to that. AXEL Can’t kiss over text, either. Mia’s eyes widen. She looks surprised, but not a pretty sort of surprise— it’s like someone just insulted her, a sort of offended, confused, did you really just say that? look. MIA I beg your pardon? AXEL I said— MIA I heard what you said. I just… was not expecting it. AXEL Why not? MIA Because— She incredulously struggles for words. MIA Because I leave you on read for a year and then out of the blue send you a letter baring my entire heart for you to see without even considering how you felt at all and just… this is all you do? This is all you want to do? AXEL I thought— I thought you wanted to, too. MIA How can you not hate me, Axel? Are you really that good? How can you not want to— How can you stand there and just— just—! AXEL Mia, I can’t— you’re confusing me. Mia snorts. MIA I’m—! I’m confusing you? I’m confusing me, Axel! This wasn’t— you weren’t supposed to want me. AXEL Why not? MIA Because! Because I suck at relationships. Because my stupid self can never date anyone. I don’t— I don’t think I like you like that. AXEL That’s not what you said in your letter. MIA I never should have sent that. AXEL But you did. MIA And I regret it!! I could have left you on read again. I could have forgotten you and gone to college and then maybe sometime in the future I’d see your name on some scientific paper or see you interviewed on the news or something. And maybe you could’ve seen me winning an award at the Oscars, or… as an extra in some streaming service original show. And all we’d be to each other is a yearbook picture with memories. But instead I had to screw it all up. As always. Per the usual. You know, before I sent it, I gave this whole monologue to the mailbox. Definitely Oscar-winning. Very theatrical stuff. And you know what music they’d be playing in the background? Violins. Loud, screechy violins, because I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. AXEL So what? You’re just going to stand here and reject me? After you started all of this? MIA I guess so, yeah. It’s not— look. Don’t get me wrong. You’re a great guy. Really great. I wouldn’t have sent that letter if I didn’t think it was worth it to tell you how I felt. Or used to feel, I guess. But I respect you enough to not lie to you. AXEL Hm. His face is impassive, the sort of indifference that really means sadness but you can’t show it. Mia picks up on it. MIA If you start crying right now, I swear, I will flip this picnic table. AXEL I think they’re nailed to the ground. But I would like to see you try to do that. MIA Well. Don’t start crying because I said it. AXEL No promises. He starts exaggerating the sadness, pouting like a small child. Mia laughs, before realizing that no, this is what she didn’t want to happen. She can’t fall back into her old habits again. She sobers. It is awkward again. AXEL So. What’s that? He points to the package in her hand. MIA Hm? Oh, this? She gives it a shake. It makes a dry noise, like a rainstick. MIA Giant box of Nerds. Wrapped in tinfoil. Hoped they’d, uh… sweeten me breaking the news. Or act as a nice parting gift. Or an apology. I don’t know anymore… They’re a peace offering. AXEL Oh. Thank you. MIA So. Here you go. As Mia hands Axel the gift, he reaches out sharply and grabs her arm. Pulling her in, he kisses her. It is not a good kiss. It is awkward. Axel is enjoying it too much, Mia too little. She pulls away after a few seconds. MIA Okay. Yeah. Yep. I am definitely not in love with you anymore. But also: what the hell? AXEL What? MIA Why’d you do that? AXEL I… I don’t know. I just wanted to know what it felt like. MIA Bad. It feels bad. AXEL Yeah. I know. Once again, awkward silence. MIA Welp. Make a duck out of the tinfoil for me. Like I always used to do. Axel laughs one of those too-loud, trying-too-hard-to-diffuse-tension laughs. AXEL I’ll recycle it too. Do a trick shot into the bin, like the ones you never could do. MIA I’m a writer, not a basketball star. Sorry my athleticism doesn’t live up to your standards. Or not, actually. I just… I don’t know. AXEL Don’t know what? MIA Anything. AXEL Yeah. Okay. Mia takes out her phone. She looks at it. Puts it back in her pocket. MIA I’ve got to go. It’s getting late. Or… longer than I expected. I’ve got… homework. You know. AXEL Yeah. Me too. MIA See you… sometime. I guess. AXEL Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Mia turns and walks away. Axel watches her depart. END SCENE
-C. Carson speaking
GOOD THINGS:
One major plus is the use of proper terms like EXT.(exterior). This story is easy to follow in my opinion, and somewhat entertaining.
BAD THINGS:
Personally, I would use * to indicate actions(*Like this*) and " to indicate speech("like this"). You are missing the camera angle commands.
-Corp. Cleo Carson
-[REDACTED] County Sheriff's Office
Hiya Plume, mint here with a review! ^-^
I like the concept of this not being a love story-- I feel like songs can cover a wide range of topics within romance, from first love to breakups, but somehow stories don't often end with failed relationships. People like happy endings, I suppose. (*coughs* people including me >.> xD) But in this case, I appreciate how you explored this gritty, realistic end to a relationship.
Like RandomTalks mentioned, both of these characters seem lost in a way, and confused as to what they want. My favorite part of this piece would have to be Mia's mini monologue with the yearbook line. Her inner conflict and frustration really show, and I feel like there was a good buildup to this outpouring of emotions. Poor girl probably needs a camping trip or self-care time to unwind and figure things out. :')
I'm also pretty curious as to how/why this relationship ended. It seems like Mia left Axel on read, but was there a reason for that? Maybe she wasn't ready for a serious relationship? Hmm. I also really like how there isn't a clear right path here. There isn't a monster to defeat or a mystery to solve... just two imperfect teenagers having an imperfect conversation.
Alright, and on to some specifics...
AXEL
Mia. Hi.
MIA
Axel. Hey.
She looks surprised, but not a pretty sort of surprise— it’s like someone just insulted
her, a sort of offended, confused, did you really just say that? look.
I’m confusing me, Axel!
He starts exaggerating the sadness, pouting like a small child. Mia laughs, before realizing that no, this is what she didn’t want to happen. She can’t fall back into her old habits again. She sobers. It is awkward again.
It’s getting late. Or… longer than I expected.
MIA
See you… sometime. I guess.
AXEL
Yeah. Yeah, I guess.
Mia turns and walks away. Axel watches her depart.
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I liked reading this! I liked the fact that you stuck to the title of your story and presented us with something unconventional and yet, something very realistic at the same time. This was most definitely not a love story, but rather a story about two individuals who seem to be very lost to me somehow.
I loved your characterizations! Your characters were very believable and I liked how their personality is reflected in their dialogues. In Mia's words, there was a kind of assertiveness which suggests that she is a person who is very much capable of directing her own life. I did have a feeling that she is confused about what she wants in life, but she is not afraid of making mistakes on the road to realization. Her confidence is admirable as is her head-strong personality. In Axel's dialogues, however, there is a kind of light humor which corresponds well with Mia's no-nonsense attitude. We learn less about Axel than we do about Mia, but the single conversation was enough to give us an idea about both of these characters.
I wasn't exactly sure which character I was supposed to root for throughout the script. As I have already said, they both seem like very lost individuals to me who do not know what they want from life. For some reason, I did not really feel the love or the connection between them and I cannot tell if that was intentional. I was a little confused why Mia suddenly felt the need to send the text to Axel baring her heart, implying that she likes him. Maybe she was seeking a resolution of some kind or maybe it took an in-person meeting for her to realize that she does not feel that way for him anymore. However, she did not seem as preoccupied with her feelings for him as she did with her feelings in general. She seemed to be very confused, which made me wonder if the impromptu text was a result of some deeper conflict she was experiencing in life at that moment. She is aware of her own deeds though, and she chooses to ignore their consequences on the other person as she herself admits. It makes me wonder what exactly she was hoping to get out of the meeting. She did seem to be more calm and in control once she had made it clear to Axel that they were not happening. Maybe all she needed was to exert her assertion and feel sure and confident about something in her life. Although, I really am just grasping at straws here!
It was a little more difficult to understand Axel because we don't really get to hear his side or hear his reasonings for his actions. His total forgiveness of Mia's absence for a year and his willingness to ignore everything made him seem to be an avoider in life. Because this is a script based totally on dialogue, it is difficult to guess where both of these people are coming from. Maybe, he'd had something going on in his life as well, and maybe he thought that jumping into a relationship with Mia once again would help him with that. When he kissed her suddenly without her consent, it did not seem to be out of love or a test of whether the connection still existed between them. Rather it felt like an attempt to coerce Mia into surrendering to the relationship he wanted for them. However, I think the kiss made them both realize that this was not going to happen for them. It did provide a resolution in the sense that it showed both of them that they need to sort out their lives first.
Now that I am done with my rambling interpretations, let's move on to a few specifics:
All I want to do is run over and climb that tree over there like I’m being chased by freaking wargs.
Welp. Make a duck out of the tinfoil for me. Like I always used to do.
And all we’d be to each other is a yearbook picture with memories.
AXEL
Don’t know what?
MIA
Anything.
AXEL
Yeah. Okay.
I wasn't exactly sure which character I was supposed to root for throughout the script. As I have already said, they both seem like very lost individuals to me who do not know what they want from life.
Did you really mean to write 'welp' here or was it supposed to be 'well'?
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