Hey, Saen!
Small Comments
“Guards-”
“They're not from Telorum,” Lira hurriedly cut him off. Taking a protective step in front of both Aspen and Cass, Lira looked back [as] Cass took an instinctive step towards Aspen.Lira's eagerness had been replaced by worry, likely because of the accusation that her father was implying with that one word.
1) You don't need to say that she cut him off - that's obvious from the fact that his dialogue was interrupted.
2) That last sentence is unnecessary as well. We can see that Lira has turned defensive and we know it's because her father has called the guards.
Lira had created and controlled water with her mind, something that should have been impossible. Which, if everything she knew was ruled out, could only mean one thing:
She had just witnessed Lira using magic.
In a previous chapter, I mentioned that it often feels more like you're paying lip service to Cass's shock rather than really feeling it. This is another one of those moments. She's so methodical here that I don't really get any surprise from her at all - it just feels like she's stating facts.
She briefly looked over at her before ducking her head down. Her mind flickered back to the conversation they had out in the street, and the look on Aspen's face when all she had been trying to do was get her to understand. She couldn't handle anymore judgment from the one person in the world who truly supported her.
Judgement? I never got the impression that Aspen was judging her. She just seemed worried, as anyone would be if their friend started behaving oddly and acting as though they knew strangers. Cass is being pretty melodramatic here.
They sat there for another minute before Lira finally said something to her father
A minute!? That's way too much. Two seconds of silence is enough for things to turn awkward - a minute would be unbearable.
“Lira says that you know a lot about the lockets. Do you know how we can get back to our home?”
Mr. Ream didn't immediately give an answer. He mulled over her question for a handful of minutes, looking from her locket to Aspen's to back to hers.
Again, minutes is far too much. Conversations unfold startlingly quickly - a person will usually respond to someone within a fraction of a second, or even start talking while the other speaker is tailing off. If there is a delay in turn uptake, it's usually only for one or two seconds. It seems like a tiny amount of time, but trust me, it feels cavernous. A delay of one second is quite enough time for somebody to realise there's a problem with the conversation. A delay of a minute just wouldn't happen.
Tl;dr it would be far more realistic if he only hesitated for a second or two.
Overall Thoughts
So let's talk about that end. I'm glad that the girls finally asked about how to get home, but it really does feel like it's come too late. Cass first thinks of her parents within paragraphs of her finding out she can't get back to them, so it comes across like you'd forgotten to include it and rushed it in at the last second. Cass breaking down would feel so much more effective if her desperation to get home had been sustained over several chapters, but it seems like she's not even thought about it until now. And why hasn't she been thinking about it? I could understand if she'd been thrown into such a perilous situation that she barely had time to stop and think, but she hasn't. She's been trailing after Lira for what must be hours and her thoughts haven't wandered to her parents once. That's why I have a hard time buying that she's this upset.
Regarding the rest of the chapter, I know you thought it was filler, but I actually thought there wasn't enough dialogue or information here. We don't learn that much about the lockets, really, nor about the wider world they've fallen into. I felt like the characters weren't talking enough, and that there was a lot of them sitting in silence for no discernible reason. It didn't feel natural to me. Cass and Aspen weren't asking enough questions, considering that getting answers was the whole reason they came here.
Just be wary not to overdo the angst between Cass and Aspen, too. I actually feel like Cass is taking issue with the wrong stuff. She does have reasons to be irritable with Aspen - the girl does seem to steer her and speak for her a bit too much - but she doesn't seem bothered by stuff like that. Instead she takes issue with Aspen being...worried about her? It's just odd. I don't mind a bit of conflict between the girls, but you're going to have to alter Aspen's behaviour a bit if you want Cass to be this upset with her. Maybe have Aspen dismiss the deja vu or tell Cass she's just getting confused - that'd be a legitimate reason for Cass to feel put out.
The most interesting part of this chapter, for me, was seeing that Ikach took more interest in the silver locket than the gold. The distinction between the two lockets is still quite a mystery - I'm surprised Aspen didn't ask about it - so I can't help but wonder if there's a lot more to the silver one that's taking a backseat for now. It was good to learn a little more about how they worked, as well, though I do agree with Zoom that the whole translation ability feels a bit too convenient. I can let it slide because it sort of makes sense that an inter-dimensional locket would want the wearer to be able to understand people in those dimensions, but it's on the cusp. I'd like you to allude to that ability somehow. Maybe when Cass first meets Lira, she could be aware that she's speaking a completely different language, and nonplussed by the fact that she can find meaning in the words. I still struggle to understand how everybody else can understand Cass and Aspen, though. That suggests the locket not only affects their perceptions, but the perceptions of everybody around them.
But story calls, so I'll let it slide. One thing I will suggest is that you treat that ability like the double-edged sword it is. It'd be great if Cass or Aspen lost their locket at some point, only to be plunged into danger because they can't understand anyone or be understood without it.
Danger is something I'd like more of, to be honest. Or conflict, at least. You've got plenty of intrigue, which is great - I'm still super eager to know where Cass's deja vu fits in with the lockets and dreams, and I want to know more about Kartiel and the feuds within the nation - but I'm really not sure what your characters' motivations are. What does Cass even want? What is she trying to do? Who is trying to stop her? She's been lucky enough to land in the lap of a kind, rich family who are willing to house her and look after her, which is great for her, but not that interesting for the reader. It doesn't feel like anything's working against her yet, so I hope we see that soon.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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