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Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 4.2]

by Mageheart


Author's Note: I've got a few important things I need to touch on before I actually kick this chapter off, so I apologize for taking up your time. The first of these things is a club I have. It's called The Three Lockets, and it should have a whole host of memes, art and fun behind the scenes stuff in the near future! The second thing is the thread I made before lms started up. It's also called The Three Lockets, and has a lot more about the world's lore and magic. If you're curious about that, it's the place you should check out! Last, but certainly not least, I just wanted to say that things will *hopefully* become a little more clear over the next couple of chapters. This one's a bit of a filler, but the next ones should delve in the world's magic, and the ones after that should start to explain what the heck is going on with Cass. 

Words: 1,811

Last Line: So Cass bit her tongue, ducked her head back down, and waited for Lira's father to address them. 

She tried her best to ignore the uncomfortable silence by studying the wooden boards underneath her sneakers. They were reminiscent of something she might have seen back on Earth, the only indicator of that not being the case being the strange blue tint to the wood. She studied each and every aspect of the planks closed to her - she studied their stains, their knots and the nails that secured them together. She could close her eyes and envision what they looked like by the time that the mayor finally spoke.

"Is everything alright?" he asked.

\She hesitantly raised her head up. He was watching her with a well-deserved wariness, though there was also a childish curiosity twinkling in his blue eyes. Another moment passed. She opened her mouth to reply, only to give a nod a second later. His tone was gentle, and everything about his appearance - the wrinkles around his lips and eyes, the warm hues of his clothing and the way he stood before them - made her want to trust him, but the feelings she was desperately trying to push back were screaming out that he wasn't worthy of that trust. 

So she fidgeted with her locket. She opened it and closed it, repeating the process moments later. Her locket was where the mayor's eyes lingered as they returned to yet another uncomfortable silence. He straightened. His features grew harsh – though his eyes were filled with fear – as he opened his mouth to give a command. “Guards-” 

“They're not from Telorum,” Lira hurriedly cut him off. Taking a protective step in front of both Aspen and Cass, Lira looked back Cass took an instinctive step towards Aspen. Lira's eagerness had been replaced by worry, likely because of the accusation that her father was implying with that one word.

The mayor hesitated. “She has the golden locket.” 

“It's not that one, Dad,” Lira said. She and Aspen simultaneously let out sighs – Lira's one of exasperation, and Aspen's one of relief – when the mayor's posture loosened considerably. Cass didn't join in. Despite the change in posture, Lira's father still seemed wary of them. Until he seemed fully accepting, she was going to remain anxious.

Lira looked back at Cass and Aspen and gave them another warm smile. Cass knew it was meant to comfort, but the feeling of unease failed to leave. “I'm going to get some seats for us,” she said before turning back towards her father – no, that was wrong. She wasn't looking at her father; she was looking at the bench on the adjacent side of the pond. The air hummed with an intrusive warmth as she continued to stare at it. Something small and clear began to form at her fingertips, growing with a surprising speed as it shot towards the bench in question. 

The strands that had formed grouped together into four larger ones, and quickly wrapped themselves around its legs. She furrowed her brow in concentration as the strands lifted the bench an inch above the ground. The strands began to tug the bench in their direction. This part of the process, unlike the development of the strands, was slow and apparently quite tedious – if the focused look on her face was anything to go off of. It was a good minute before the bench touched the ground once more, this time only feet away from the bench her father was standing in front of. 

It was only as the strands disappeared that Cass realized what they truly were. They were concentrated bodies of water, condensed into those thin little lines. It was just like with the boy back near the entrance to the city. Lira had created and controlled water with her mind, something that should have been impossible. Which, if everything she knew was ruled out, could only mean one thing: 

She had just witnessed Lira using magic.

“Whoa,” Aspen said. 

Lira out another sigh – this one a tired one – and glanced over her shoulder at Cass and Aspen. She studied their looks of shock for a moment before gesturing for them to follow her to the bench. Aspen immediately began to hobble after her, curiosity sparkling in her eyes. Cass was the last in their small procession; she was too nervous about the situation to be as eager about sitting down so close to Lira's father. When she finally did arrive at the elaborate bench, she found herself with only one place to sit. 

She had to sit right beside Aspen. 

She briefly looked over at her before ducking her head down. Her mind flickered back to the conversation they had out in the street, and the look on Aspen's face when all she had been trying to do was get her to understand. She couldn't handle anymore judgment from the one person in the world who truly supported her. 

She slipped her backpack off of her shoulders and placed it on the ground beside the bench. After a moment of hesitation, she sat down in the seat beside Aspen. They sat there for another minute before Lira finally said something to her father, and during that time Cass did everything she could to avoid looking in Aspen's direction. 

“Rodet and I were out in the tunnel that leads into town,” Lira said. Cass stared down at the wood beneath her feet, nervously rubbing her fingers over the grooves in her locket. “We ran into Aspen and Cass there. They aren't wearing the clothes the people in Telorum wear, right? And their accents aren't from there, either.” 

Cass hesitantly raised her head up. 

Lira's father no longer seemed wary of them. He was leaning forward, resting his elbows on his legs and his head in his hands. He eyed the lockets dangling over each of their chests. In a surprising twist, he only looked at hers for a few seconds before staring at Aspen's. For reasons she couldn't understand, it was the silver locket that caught his eye the most. 

“You found the missing lockets,” he said. Cass couldn't tell if he was talking to them or his daughter. Whoever he was talking to, he was incredibly happy about – he had a smile spreading from one ear to the other. “I remember reading about them in King Kartiel's books, but I never expected that they would end up in Rey.” 

“Surprise?” Aspen said. 

The mayor continued to grin. “To think that I'm lucky enough to meet you first! I've always had so many questions about how they worked and what their abilities were. King Kartiel wasn't the one for sharing secrets-” He paused, then straightened. “I've forgotten my manners. My name's Ikach Ream, and I'm the mayor of Rey – though I'm sure my daughter's already told you that.” 

Lira smiled. “I did.”

“Well,” Aspen started; Cass could see her straightening out of the corner of her eye, “my name's Aspen Lovelace, and Cassie's name is Cassandra Hughes, Mayor Ream-” 

“You can call me Ikach,” the mayor said, “seeing that Lira's already taken a liking to you two. Something tells me you'll quickly become good friends.” 

Cass found herself giving a small smile at the thought. She did want to return home, but the prospect of becoming closer with Lira was one that excited her. Then the eagerness dimmed as she thought of her home – thought of her parents, who would be returning home from work soon; thought of the comfort of Aspen's jeep, which was now abandoned near the camping trail; thought of the movies that she and Aspen had been planning on watching after their ill-fated hike. 

“Mr. Ream?” Cass hesitantly asked. Saying Ikach felt far too personal, and the thought of even uttering the name felt inherently connected to the recognition she had been experiencing ever since she met him. “Lira says that you know a lot about the lockets. Do you know how we can get back to our home?” 

Mr. Ream didn't immediately give an answer. He mulled over her question for a handful of minutes, looking from her locket to Aspen's to back to hers. She knew even before he spoke what the answer would be – after all, if he knew a way back, why not tell them right away? 

He folded his hands and placed them in his lap. 

“I only learned so much about the lockets during my time in Telorum,” he said. “There were two abilities that King Kartiel told me about – the ability to translate unfamiliar languages for the wearer, and the ability to transport the wearer to other worlds. He never went into detail about how either ability worked.” 

“So you don't know,” Aspen slowly concluded. 

He sadly nodded. “I might be able to figure out how they work if I have some time to study them, but, other than that, I'm as clueless as you are.” He turned to his daughter. “You should bring the to some of the rooms near your own. I'm sure Rodet has already informed the king about their arrival, but I'll tell him of this arrangement while you bring them there.” 

Lira nodded. 

Cass could barely make out the exchange through the tears beginning to form in her eyes. She had spent every moment of the tie she had been in Rey enchanted by what she say, confused by their arrival or worried by the strange déjà vu. She had been completely distracted and had forgotten about the one thing that should have been her priority. Now that she had discovered there was no easy way to return to the life she had always taken for granted, she couldn't help but let out a sob. 

Aspen wasn't as audible of a crier, but Cass could feel her shaking beside her as quiet sobs wracked her body. She faintly heard Mr. Ream rise and walk away from them, but she was too caught up in her grief to even watch him go. They sat there for several more minutes before both of their tears finally subsided. Between sniffles and wiping her eyes with her arm, Cass noticed Lira getting to her feet. 

She held out hands to both Cass and Aspen. 

“Let's go to my room,” she said. She gave them her signature warm smile, but this time it was accompanied by pity. “I always feel better if I have a pillow to hug, and my room has some of the best ones in this entire building. Even my dad's aren't as soft.” 

Cass hesitantly grabbed onto her extended hand, Aspen following suit moments later. They both slowly – and unsteadily – got to their feet. Cass slipped her backpack back on. Then the three made their way to Lira's room, Cass desperately trying her best not to start crying again.


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Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:49 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hey, Saen!

Small Comments

“Guards-”

“They're not from Telorum,” Lira hurriedly cut him off. Taking a protective step in front of both Aspen and Cass, Lira looked back [as] Cass took an instinctive step towards Aspen. Lira's eagerness had been replaced by worry, likely because of the accusation that her father was implying with that one word.


1) You don't need to say that she cut him off - that's obvious from the fact that his dialogue was interrupted.

2) That last sentence is unnecessary as well. We can see that Lira has turned defensive and we know it's because her father has called the guards.

Lira had created and controlled water with her mind, something that should have been impossible. Which, if everything she knew was ruled out, could only mean one thing:

She had just witnessed Lira using magic.


In a previous chapter, I mentioned that it often feels more like you're paying lip service to Cass's shock rather than really feeling it. This is another one of those moments. She's so methodical here that I don't really get any surprise from her at all - it just feels like she's stating facts.

She briefly looked over at her before ducking her head down. Her mind flickered back to the conversation they had out in the street, and the look on Aspen's face when all she had been trying to do was get her to understand. She couldn't handle anymore judgment from the one person in the world who truly supported her.


Judgement? I never got the impression that Aspen was judging her. She just seemed worried, as anyone would be if their friend started behaving oddly and acting as though they knew strangers. Cass is being pretty melodramatic here.

They sat there for another minute before Lira finally said something to her father


A minute!? That's way too much. Two seconds of silence is enough for things to turn awkward - a minute would be unbearable.

“Lira says that you know a lot about the lockets. Do you know how we can get back to our home?”

Mr. Ream didn't immediately give an answer. He mulled over her question for a handful of minutes, looking from her locket to Aspen's to back to hers.


Again, minutes is far too much. Conversations unfold startlingly quickly - a person will usually respond to someone within a fraction of a second, or even start talking while the other speaker is tailing off. If there is a delay in turn uptake, it's usually only for one or two seconds. It seems like a tiny amount of time, but trust me, it feels cavernous. A delay of one second is quite enough time for somebody to realise there's a problem with the conversation. A delay of a minute just wouldn't happen.

Tl;dr it would be far more realistic if he only hesitated for a second or two.

Overall Thoughts

So let's talk about that end. I'm glad that the girls finally asked about how to get home, but it really does feel like it's come too late. Cass first thinks of her parents within paragraphs of her finding out she can't get back to them, so it comes across like you'd forgotten to include it and rushed it in at the last second. Cass breaking down would feel so much more effective if her desperation to get home had been sustained over several chapters, but it seems like she's not even thought about it until now. And why hasn't she been thinking about it? I could understand if she'd been thrown into such a perilous situation that she barely had time to stop and think, but she hasn't. She's been trailing after Lira for what must be hours and her thoughts haven't wandered to her parents once. That's why I have a hard time buying that she's this upset.

Regarding the rest of the chapter, I know you thought it was filler, but I actually thought there wasn't enough dialogue or information here. We don't learn that much about the lockets, really, nor about the wider world they've fallen into. I felt like the characters weren't talking enough, and that there was a lot of them sitting in silence for no discernible reason. It didn't feel natural to me. Cass and Aspen weren't asking enough questions, considering that getting answers was the whole reason they came here.

Just be wary not to overdo the angst between Cass and Aspen, too. I actually feel like Cass is taking issue with the wrong stuff. She does have reasons to be irritable with Aspen - the girl does seem to steer her and speak for her a bit too much - but she doesn't seem bothered by stuff like that. Instead she takes issue with Aspen being...worried about her? It's just odd. I don't mind a bit of conflict between the girls, but you're going to have to alter Aspen's behaviour a bit if you want Cass to be this upset with her. Maybe have Aspen dismiss the deja vu or tell Cass she's just getting confused - that'd be a legitimate reason for Cass to feel put out.

The most interesting part of this chapter, for me, was seeing that Ikach took more interest in the silver locket than the gold. The distinction between the two lockets is still quite a mystery - I'm surprised Aspen didn't ask about it - so I can't help but wonder if there's a lot more to the silver one that's taking a backseat for now. It was good to learn a little more about how they worked, as well, though I do agree with Zoom that the whole translation ability feels a bit too convenient. I can let it slide because it sort of makes sense that an inter-dimensional locket would want the wearer to be able to understand people in those dimensions, but it's on the cusp. I'd like you to allude to that ability somehow. Maybe when Cass first meets Lira, she could be aware that she's speaking a completely different language, and nonplussed by the fact that she can find meaning in the words. I still struggle to understand how everybody else can understand Cass and Aspen, though. That suggests the locket not only affects their perceptions, but the perceptions of everybody around them.

But story calls, so I'll let it slide. One thing I will suggest is that you treat that ability like the double-edged sword it is. It'd be great if Cass or Aspen lost their locket at some point, only to be plunged into danger because they can't understand anyone or be understood without it.

Danger is something I'd like more of, to be honest. Or conflict, at least. You've got plenty of intrigue, which is great - I'm still super eager to know where Cass's deja vu fits in with the lockets and dreams, and I want to know more about Kartiel and the feuds within the nation - but I'm really not sure what your characters' motivations are. What does Cass even want? What is she trying to do? Who is trying to stop her? She's been lucky enough to land in the lap of a kind, rich family who are willing to house her and look after her, which is great for her, but not that interesting for the reader. It doesn't feel like anything's working against her yet, so I hope we see that soon.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Thu Sep 13, 2018 2:23 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!!
You say this is a filler chapter, but I think there are some useful pieces of information in here! :)

Let me first say YAY because the girls have finally reflected on the fact that they're in a strange new place and there isn't an easy way home.

I think this may have felt like a filler chapter to write, because while things happen, there's not a clear focus and instead there are lots of nuggets of information. I think if you decide what you want the focus of the scene to be and expand on that aspect of the scene it won't feel like filler. To me, the most important part of this scene was when the girl's learned they can't easily go home. That's super important.

If that is indeed what you want the main focus of the chapter to be then that part of the scene should be expanded on. Cass mentions that here are things at home that she's looking forward to, but where is the anxiety about what's going on at home without her? Does she assume time has stopped in her world or is she worried that people are worried about her? If it's the later, I would assume that would send her into an anxiety tailspin (it would me anyway :p) Then when they realize there's not a clear way home, there's sadness which I get, but again where's the anxiety? She's anxious about so many things but not the fact that she could be stuck in this unfamiliar world? Even though the world is cool so far and she's made a fast friend in Lira what if she can never go back? What would that mean for her? Anxiety tailspin :)

And you could even pace the chapter to have that be a big reveal at the end, that they can't easily go back home. Maybe this is something Cass ponders in this chapter - about what's happening at home, whether people are worrying about her, etc. and maybe she's hoping Lira's dad will have some answers for her about how and why they're there and how to go back and then boom no answers, it's going to be hard to go back. Suspense!

I think overall I want deeper feelings and I want to see their feelings a lot more. Like when Cass sees Lira doing magic, (also, magic is not the norm for her so I thought it was interesting that she immediately jumped to I'm seeing magic rather than speculating what could be causing this) she's like oh that's interesting. And I'm sure it is interesting! But I'm sure it's also confusing. or scary. or maybe some other feelings too. They were just plopped from their world to this world with no warning so their fight or flight stress response is already going to be activated, and I think they're still taking everything too much in stride. More anxiety. More panic :)

Intrigued to learn more about the magic and how the girls got here (logistically speaking :p and why) and I'm still worried about what's going on at home without them :p I'll read the next segment tomorrow, but until then let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:37 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Sae, glad you made it in time for LMS!

Nit-picks:

He was watching her with a well-deserved wariness

Not really sure what you mean by "well-deserved" here.

Lira's eagerness had been replaced by worry, likely because of the accusation that her father was implying with that one word.

How would Cass know this? (you're writing in third person limited of Cass)

She faintly heard Mr. Ream rise and walk away from them, but she was too caught up in her grief to even watch him go.

Can he not tell that they're crying? Or does he just not care? I feel that at least Lira should be concerned that they're upset.

Overall:

Okay, so I continue to have two burning questions.

Why are they so sure these are the famouos lockets? They seem to be well-known in their appearance, so why couldn't they be imitated? I'm not sure what the purpose of that would be, but since none of these people have ever seen them in person I think they ought to be verified in some way. This brings me to my second question.

The answer to the first could be that the power has been demonstrated by them coming from another world, but why is Lira so sure she believes them? They could have found or made weird clothes, and just ask any British actor that's moved to Hollywood about how to learn an accent :P Maybe Lira's naive, but I think her father, in his position of power, ought to be less trusting of their word. Maybe it would have made more sense to have Lira and Rodet withness them appearing out of thin air?

I really like the character of Ikach. You mentioned early on that he was kind of childishly curious and that really rushes out of his mouth when he starts speaking. I think you keep it up throughout, and I'm really on board. I can see how Lira would be his daughter too, which is neat. They both seem a little more interested in these artefacts than in the girls' feelings too, which I can imagine could become important.

It's also good to know what the lockets are capable of doing. Just another little tangible world-building detail that makes the story easier to sink my teeth into!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Mageheart says...


Thank you so much for your review! It was very helpful.

Why are they so sure these are the famous lockets?


In Lira's case, it can definitely be argued that this is because she's grown up with stories about them and desperately wants them to be true. In Ikach's case, he was an advisor to King Kartiel VIII for a time. The golden locket in Telorum is almost treated like a crown there, so he got a good look at it every time he was talking with the king.



ExOmelas says...


ohhh okay, fair enough :)



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Sun Sep 09, 2018 11:28 pm
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Zoom wrote a review...



Hi Saen

They were reminiscent of something she might have seen back on Earth, the only indicator of that not being the case being the strange blue tint to the wood.


Nice, this is a good example of what I was talking about before. The specific detail (the blue wood) raises intrigue and let’s the reader have fun imagining this place. I think this sentence has way too many words for something so simple, though. There’s no need for the comparison to wood from Earth, we already know Cass has seen wood before and we know that a blue tint is unusual.

So she fidgeted with her locket. She opened it and closed it, repeating the process moments later. Her locket was where the mayor's eyes lingered as they returned to yet another uncomfortable silence. He straightened. His features grew harsh – though his eyes were filled with fear – as he opened his mouth to give a command. “Guards-”


If the lockets are such a liability to the point where people will react in this way, surely Lira would have told Caspen to keep them hidden?

Until he seemed fully accepting, she was going to remain anxious


You have a tendency to remind us of Cass’s anxiety too often. At this point in the story we will have a good sense of what will trigger her anxiety, so you can get away with not mentioning it when her reactions are implicit. She was already feeling anxious before the Mayor had even said anything, so we know how she’d feel about the Mayor’s weariness of her.

Which, if everything she knew was ruled out, could only mean one thing:

She had just witnessed Lira using magic.

“Whoa,” Aspen said.


I think you’re overplaying how dramatic this is. They’ve recently seen people using magic, but this one line paragraph along with Aspen’s reaction almost implies this is their first encounter with the magic system.

In a surprising twist, he only looked at hers for a few seconds before staring at Aspen's.


Try not to be so glaringly obvious about stuff like this. When trying to raise intrigue in the reader, it’s better to take a subtle approach. If you simply say that he spent longer looking at Aspen’s locket, we’d automatically wonder what’s so special about her one and look forward to finding out the answer. But instead you’ve handed this mystery to us on a plate and so it feels very unrewarding. Readers feel gratified when they can spot these things for themselves.

the ability to translate unfamiliar languages for the wearer,


I’m not sure this is a good idea. It immediately jumped off the page as being massively convenient. It’s like you’ve gone out of your way to fix a plot hole when you might not need to - people will suspend their disbelief if the inhabitants of another world can speak English, as we’ve seen with many other stories and movies.

This solution doesn’t entirely make sense, anyway, even though I’ve seen very similar set ups (star trek for example). Languages don’t work like this where you can fluently translate one language into another in real time. Languages usually have a unique syntax which would make this impossible, as well as languages having massively varying timespans to say a given sentence. And then you have another issue in that, not only is the wearer of the necklace hearing a different langague to the one spoken, but they are actually seeing the speaker pronounce the words differently, which can also have loads of problematic implications. This solution is fixing a small non-issue only to create an actual issue, and still relies on a lot of suspension of disbelief anyway. Finally, how will people understand them if it’s one-sided?

and the ability to transport the wearer to other worlds. He never went into detail about how either ability worked.”


This implies there are multiple worlds, not just these two. Surely then that means they would instantly remove the lockets, since they could again be teleported to another world, one where they might not have anyone to explain stuff and be friendly towards them. They now know the necklaces are definitely the reason they teleported, they know they can be activated on a whim, yet they still wear them? I can’t think of any plausible justification for this.

Also if he knows about this power, surely he would have arrived at the conclusion that they are from another world when he saw their clothes and then the lockets?

Aspen wasn't as audible of a crier, but Cass could feel her shaking beside her as quiet sobs wracked her body


I don’t really get why they are both crying. It’s not like they are now in a worse position. They didn’t know how to return home before and now they still don’t. In fact their situation has improved, they now know for sure that the lockets hold the power to bring them home. I really wish their reaction to this news was more compelling.

***

Overall comments:

This is another chapter fragment where I feel you’re taking too long to say very little. There are a lot of stage directions and expected reactions that are clogging up the story. The dialogue isn’t doing a great deal to engage — it felt very “going through the motions”. The conversation never took any excitng turns, never deviated from what I was already expecting. If I read a chapter and it plays out exactly how I could’ve predicted then this won’t do much to make me keep reading. It seems like we’re just getting exposition out the way so the story can begin, which was my concern from the moment Caspen ran into guide-like characters when they entered the new world. Things are falling into place a little easily and not in a captivating way.

Another larger-scale issue is that this story has pretty much only had one beat in four chapters. You’ve set up the inciting incident, but now we’re waiting for the call to action. What choice will Caspen have to make in order to drive the story forward? I’d argue that Caspen’s done very little to influence the story so far. The majority of events have occurred regardless of their actions.

I’d also like to see more depth with the side characters. We should see more personality shining through, more agenda, motivation, goals and flaws.

I wrote this entire review on my mobile so I acknowledge it might be poorly explained in some areas. Please let me know if I can expand on anything.

-Zoom




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review. Your concerns and questions should hopefully be taken care of in the future chapters, especially once I can get into the part of the story I've been building up to since they started the story. (If you look at what @BlueAfrica said in her review and my response to it, you should get a little bit of an explanation/hint about why this sequence of events is so crucial to the overall plot of the story.)

I do have one area in mind that I'd like some expansion on. Your reviews always do a wonderful explaining what I need to improve - something I'm grateful for - but something that often helps me even more is knowing what my reviewers enjoy about the story. It motivates me to continue writing it, and let's me know what I can do more of in the future. So, if possible, could you mention what you enjoyed about this chapter?



Zoom says...


Hi Saen

Apologies I didnt include any nice comments, I will be sure to do that going forward. The parts of your story I enjoy relate to the Caspen dynamic, but in this chapter they have fallen out and so there is barely any interactions between them, which is why I had a particularly hard time reading this part. Also Aspen is my favourite character but shes taken a bit of a backseat role, it seems. I think if she didnt cry towards the end and did something more Aspeny, we would be in business.

My favourite element of your story in general is their budding relationship. You have characterised them both extremely well, and the way Aspen looks out for Cass is so heart warming, along with the way Cass looks up to Aspen and values her friendship to such an extreme extent. I get this vibe that Aspen is her world and thats what drew me into the story to begin with, and the reason I am still here reading is because I NEED to experience the moment Aspen feels the same way / admits it.

In fact, I think you have done their dynamic and characterisation so well that this story could survive as a contemporary romance novel without the elements of fantasy (but I wouldnt want that because fantasy is my jam, Im just saying people will read this story for their romance alone).

<3



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Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:08 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Back again!

So I think you have a really nice use of description and contrasts at the start to increase tension - the description of the wood floor and how Cass has it memorized by the time she looks up, the contrast between how kindly Lira's father looks and his call for the guards and Cass' feelings about Lira's father. Things are a little slow, but I think it's still largely successful and something you could certainly clean up in the next draft. Coming off of that, for a second I was confused and disappointed by the focus on the bench, but then it ended up being magic.

There's a potential danger of readers getting annoyed with Cass because of all her angst regarding her best friend not understanding her, but so far she's okay. You haven't overdone it yet and Cass doesn't spend too much time actually feeling sorry for herself about it. But it's something to be aware of - readers could get annoyed with Cass if this gets to be too much.

On that note, I'm honestly wondering how Aspen's feeling right now with Cass being so determined not to look at her. Like she could be hurt by this and Cass hasn't even noticed. Although depending on how much experience she has with this particular insecurity of Cass' she might be used to it - although I still feel like she probably hasn't seen it directed at herself before, so there could be some interesting conflict there.

I'm surprised by Lira's father's smile about the lockets given his reaction upon first noticing them. I'm getting slightly creepy vibes about him from this, especially when he's all happy that he might be able to figure out how they work.

I hadn't thought about their parents and car and etc but I like that Cass thinks of it here. I always appreciate it when portal fantasies actually bother thinking about the people left behind. Or even non-portal fantasies - like when Bilbo returns at the end of The Hobbit to find that he's been declared legally dead and everyone's divvying up all his stuff.

I'm kind of surprised by Aspen's silent sobs at the end. I'd understand her feeling sad, but her sobbing this early in the game feels out of character? like I could see her putting on a brave face for Cass and we don't even know she's been sad this whole time until way later. It feels like this sort of reaction being something she'd do right away hasn't really been set up to make me feel like it's correct to her character.




Mageheart says...


Thanks for the review!

I'm glad I did the contrast with Ikach well. Let's just say that I have lots of plans for him, and I wanted to get across what he's like to other people really early on.

Coming off of that, for a second I was confused and disappointed by the focus on the bench, but then it ended up being magic.


I wanted to start having magic be used for really mundane things - like bringing a bench over - relatively early on in the story. I have no idea if I'm succeeding with that, but I'm glad that it stuck out to you.

But it's something to be aware of - readers could get annoyed with Cass if this gets to be too much.


Thanks for the warning! I'm actually planning on remedying this soon, so hopefully that will help.

Although depending on how much experience she has with this particular insecurity of Cass' she might be used to it - although I still feel like she probably hasn't seen it directed at herself before, so there could be some interesting conflict there.


I admit that's something I hadn't thought about before! I'm planning on them having a heartfelt conversation soon, so hopefully I can do a good job addressing that particular part of the situation then.

I'm getting slightly creepy vibes about him from this, especially when he's all happy that he might be able to figure out how they work.


;)

I hadn't thought about their parents and car and etc but I like that Cass thinks of it here.


Yay! I was hoping I did a good job with that.

It feels like this sort of reaction being something she'd do right away hasn't really been set up to make me feel like it's correct to her character.


Hmmm. I didn't think of that either. I admit I was writing this point at the end of a very long writing session this morning, so I just knew I wanted her to have some sort of reaction. I'll definitely retcon that reaction in the next couple of chapters and refer to something else instead - maybe a serious look on her face?



BluesClues says...


Honestly since Cass lets out an audible sob I could even see Aspen immediately putting on a good front and being all "hey! it'll be fine! it's a grand adventure!" right away, which Cass could or could not see through (whichever you deem appropriate) but then later in the story Aspen breaks down like "of COURSE I was upset!!!" but maybe I've just been writing Edna too long



Mageheart says...


you have but that plan is very valid xD




I like anchovies~ but nobody calls me that.
— alliyah