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18+ Language

after a parade

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

feet are numb.

it isn't fun.

...

that doesn't rhyme.

fuck.


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362 Reviews


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 6:16 pm
zaminami says...



why are people liking this

why

**squints at @Danni88 and @Iridescence**




yellow says...


i can genuinely relate to this.



zaminami says...


well that makes sense



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Sat Oct 14, 2017 6:52 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! So, lets get started. :D
Before I begin I know this was posted a bit ago but I don't care and I like to review poetry. Plus, this is a poem about feet for Petes sake! (haha, that rhymed)
Anyways, as I expected, no grammar or spelling mistakes so that good. Another thing is that how did you even get this idea? Seriously, where did the idea to write about numb feet come from, for it to then morph into a poem about it not rhyming?! I find it quite hilarious! Also, just ending with the word f*** was priceless. Just imagine a really old grandma or some angsty teen whispering f*** under their breath! :p
Otherwise, I don't really have much to say, type, whatever you wanna call it. Keep up the good work and Happy Halloween! (I will say Happy Halloween and you can't stop me.)




zaminami says...


**inhales** I AM THAT ANGSTY TEEN

Thanks for the review! Glad you liked.



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Sat Oct 14, 2017 6:10 pm
woahhitherepal wrote a review...



Hello DemonGoddess I'm going to review your poem.
Okay let me just say.
Me.
Too.
I am currently at the end of my season and my first parade was a week ago, so I can feel this.
I love this poem a lot but for review purposes I'm going to tell you the one main problem with it.
The only problem was the lack capitalization of some letters. Otherwise there were no grammatical or spelling errors, that I could spot anyway.
This is great and I love it a lot.
Good writing.
have an absolutely splendiferous day!!
>Adrian




zaminami says...


I didn't capitalize as a stylistic choice.

Thanks for the review!



DeerInBacPac says...


No problem



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Thu Sep 28, 2017 6:14 pm
DragonNoir wrote a review...



As promised, here I am to review!

Well. A little less than I expected. But hey, it's good enough that you tried! Although maybe you should go for something... longer. You know, to make those 200 points count. Don't get me wrong! I still think it's pretty good and it seems like a good start! Just... Try something longer. Maybe like a satirical play script or a short story. Of course, I guess it's also a good idea to start out small and gradually build up confidence. As for the actual humour, I find it quite funny, so you're doing well! The structure itself seems quite strange and irregular and the constant periods make it a bit hard to read.

Overall, a funny little poem, but I only really hate that it's so short.
I hope my review helped and I'll be sure to look out for more stuff from you! :D




zaminami says...


Thanks!! I made it short for a reason... :P I couldn't imagine it longer lol



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Thu Sep 28, 2017 1:20 pm
katesing2016 says...



Wow, I can relate to this so much. It is actually funny, and I found myself laughing at the short piece, a surprise considering it was declared funny. I usually don't fall for that. With that being said, I really enjoyed the piece. It was short, simple, and a burst into life.




zaminami says...


Thanks :D



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Thu Sep 28, 2017 4:25 am
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Kale wrote a review...



Hello there and happy RevMo (even if I am a bit late to the reviewing party)! I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here today to review you.

With that said, short as this piece is, I have quite a lot to say, namely with respect to your choice of genre, but first things first, numb/fun do in fact rhyme thanks to this wonderful little poetic cheat called slant rhyming, so that renders your fourth line a bit incorrect and lends it more of a non-sequitur feel, which I think you should totally capitalize on for maximum humor factor.

Sadly, the final line weakens the piece overall. It's predictable, and trite, and quite frankly, I think if you dropped it entirely, the piece would be very much improved.

Speaking of improvements, going back to the "that doesn't rhyme." line, I think it would be even more humorous if you managed to convey that sentiment in the form of another slant rhyme, perhaps with the aid of an additional line to replace the final one. My sleep-deprived brain is oh-so helpfully suggesting "what a waste of time" as a possibility, but I trust you can get a bit more creative.

With all of that said, I thought that your use of the title as the opening line was one of this piece's major strengths, though I definitely wouldn't classify this as satire as it's rather lacking in irony of any sort, and it doesn't really poke fun at or highlight any human foibles. Feet hurting after a parade isn't a result of social mores or moral failings, to put it another way, and it's a very logical result of standing/marching around for long periods of time, so talking about feet hurting after a parade is hardly satirical on its own.

Now, if you wanted to highlight how ridiculous parades are as a show of pride and pageantry through the lens of aching feet afterwards, that would be a different story entirely on the satirical front.

Sadly, I found the satirical nature of this to be very much lacking, and I was so looking forward to sinking my teeth into something deliciously biting, too.




zaminami says...


Thanks :D it was, very subtly, highlighting how ridiculous parades are through my feet, just to clarify XD



Kale says...


That you have to clarify outside the poem is an indication that you didn't express it clearly enough within the poem. Satire requires a bit more effort than that. ;P



zaminami says...


:D okay thanks.

I'm not really a satirical person, so yeah, there probably are issues. Thanks



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Thu Sep 28, 2017 3:48 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Short. And Sweet.

So there's not a ton of content to review here, but I'll give it a go!

Consistency
I appreciated that you kept a consistent format in this piece. Every line started with a lowercase letter, and then ended with a period. Simple, consistent, and effective in giving each line a humorous punch. After the first two lines I was expecting something artsy to happen because of the lack of capitalization and then line 4 and 5, pack the humorous punch. I'm not sure that the periods are necessary in this piece, but for me it didn't detract from the piece and like I said, I'm glad it was at least consistent.

Humor
This poem did a good job of giving voice to the narrator so that the reader feels more engaged in the poetic flop when the speaker points out the lines don't rhyme. I like the subtle use of ellipses, as I can almost see the writer or speaker pausing and thinking it out, then realizing their issue. I think it would be funnier if you had two lines that did rhyme before the first two that you have, because then the lack of rhyming would stand out a bit more. It would also be funnier if the curse word ended up rhyming somehow in there too, but I'm not sure how you would work that in.

Overall, I think this poem does a good job being short, simple, and silly. It's also the type of humor that is very direct and impossible to miss.

Nice work! I hope to see more humorous selections from you in the future! :)

~alliyah




zaminami says...


Thanks! :D




Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle