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16+

The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 11

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The next days were spent in a state of perpetual nausea as Asha teleported both herself and Yuni across the Kuwhan plains. At night, hoping that the royal mages wouldn't find any of the circles of dead grass she had left was all she could do.

Yuni refused to talk to Asha in the short times of rest they had before she could bring herself to teleport again.

She had found a puddle a few nights before and had scryed for an image of the closest town. It was a colonial plantation several miles southeast of where they were currently.

The combined effect of the uncomfortable silence between Yuni and Asha and the sense of dread and urgency that followed her around like a cloud threw Asha into a waking nightmare. Her mind had shut down and her body was working autonomously for the same goal that had kept her going in the weeks following her departure from Merdon.

As they drew closer to the plantation, Asha felt as though she could see black clouds blooming above the horizon, though in her head, she knew it was the product of sleepless nights and dread.

Asha's ears began to ring with the sound of the teleportation, that loud crack became almost distant compared to the high pitched noise that constantly whined in her ears. Absently, she wondered if she might go deaf after the ordeal.

She took a deep breath and began to gather the energy once more, no longer closing her eyes. She wanted to see the destruction she sowed. She deserved to see the death she left behind, all to save lives that she had somehow deemed more important.

Logically, she knew they were just plants, but exhaustion had begun to take its toll on her mind. The ground seemed to constantly be roiling under her feet, never recovering from being shaped to Asha's will.

A familiar crack cleaved the earth in two and the world reshaped itself around the women once more.

Slowly, Asha began to make out a silhouette on the horizon. Though she had never seen one herself, she knew it had to be a colonial house. Righteous fury boiled in her chest at the sight of the building. No doubt the colonists would help the High Mage in his terrible endeavor. It would only take Asha one more session of teleportation to reach the house.

For the last time, she drained her surroundings of energy and with a resounding crack, the world reshaped itself to Asha's will once more.

Though they had agreed that one could never get used to travel by magic, the two were proved wrong. Though they were both in a perpetual state of nausea from the travel, the time it took for them to recover had shorted drastically.

Within minutes, Asha felt well enough to open her eyes and look around. The grass near the house was not tall and brittle as the native grasses of Kuwha, but lush and immaculately groomed much like the way men's facial hair was styled in Merdon.

Yuni groaned quietly, but Asha still hushed her. Being that close to the house called for silence. Asha waited another few minutes for Yuni to fully recover.

"This is a colonial town, so things might be different here. I don't think that they would ransack it like the others. There are Mallanders and Kuwhans here, though they are kept separate barring the Kuwhan servants," Asha whispered.

Yuni nodded wordlessly and stood. "I believe I hear voices," she breathed.

Asha held her breath and strained her ears for the voices that Yuni mentioned. "I hear them," she murmured, "but I can't understand what they're saying."

"We must creep closer," Yuni finished.

Placing her feet carefully, Asha crept closer to the side of the house. When she reached the corner to the other side, she stopped.

Yuni nearly tumbled over Asha, not expecting the abrupt halt. Asha swiveled around and caught Yuni before she fell, helping her up. Two pairs of brown eyes, not quite the same shade met for what seemed like forever and a day to Asha, but somehow, all too soon, Yuni's eyes darkened and she glanced away.

"How many are you willing to give?" Asha's stomach dropped at those words.Though the voice was unfamiliar, she knew in her gut who it belonged to. The person who had left husks of towns behind him. A trail of dead bodies miles long.

"I need most of them for the field work. I get that it's easier to take them from here, but unless your mages are going to help with the harvest, I need them here," another man replied.

"It is your duty-"

"It's my duty to care for my family. Not give the field hands away to the High Mage."

"You will regret this," the slaver insisted.

Asha got a sick feeling in her stomach. None of it was right. No matter where they went, the Kuwhans were slaves. Asha felt like shouting, crying, using her magic to somehow make it all okay, but she didn't. She couldn't.

Asha stood there petrified like a fossil imprinted into stone. It wasn't until the men had left and all was silent for several minutes that Asha allowed herself to move again.

That perfectly manicured grass rustled beneath Asha's feet as she and Yuni snuck across the grounds. Asha's heart pounded in time with her feet as they hurried across the lawn, but all of the progress came to a screeching halt as an iron fence seemed to have sprouted out of the ground.

Yuni glanced at Asha. "Can you teleport us?"

"Too loud," Asha muttered. "We'll have to climb."

"How does one climb a fence like this?"

"You're going to give me a boost," Asha decided. "Once I'm over, I'll find a way to get you over too."

Yuni nodded tightly, pushing her long black hair from her face. Asha absently considered lending Yuni one of her hair ties. Why hadn’t she done that before? “How will I lift you?” Yuni asked.

“Cup your hands like this,” Asha commanded as she demonstrated with her own hands. “Bend over, and I will step on them. You’ll lift me up- don’t worry, I’ll help as much as possible. I should be able to pull myself over the top with just that, but if I can’t I’ll step on your shoulders for extra height.”

Yuni’s eyes narrowed. “Are you certain that will be successful?”

“I can’t think of a reason why it wouldn’t work.” Asha ran a hand through her curls, she cringed at how matted she had allowed them to get. No time for combs or washing when on the road.

Yuni nodded once more, taking a deep breath. She cupped her hands with interlocking fingers, just as Asha had shown her. She bent and Asha gingerly placed a foot on her pale hand. Asha’s own brown fingers closed around the iron bars as Yuni lifted Asha up.

“Can you get me any higher?” Asha murmured.

She couldn’t see Yuni’s face because of her heavy skirts, but she heard the strain in her voice. “No,” Yuni grunted. “Step onto my shoulders.”

Carefully, Asha moved her dangling foot back and placed it on Yuni’s bony shoulder. “This isn’t hurting you is it?” Asha asked.

“I am fine,” Yuni ground out.

Asha knew Yuni was lying, but she steeled herself and placed all her weight on the foot on Yuni’s shoulder as she pulled herself up further. With an embarrassing grunt, Asha pulled herself atop the fence, Precariously balancing between two scarily sharp looking points. She cursed the embellishments under her breath, and closed her eyes, steeling herself as she slid off the other side.

In her attempt to not injure herself, she landed, straight legged on her feet, and shocks rolled up her legs. She groaned and steadied herself on the bars.

Before she had even recovered from her painful drop, Yuni landed next to her in a graceful crouch. She stood and swept her hair behind her shoulder. Roses bloomed on her cheeks as she met Asha’s eyes.

“How did you get over?” Asha asked incredulously.

“I am taller than you,” Yuni said. “I realized that I could simply pull myself up.”

Asha scowled. “Right.”

“Where are we going now?” Yuni asked.

“I don’t know,” Asha replied. “We’ll head into town first. We’ll see if we can find the slavers. Or maybe we’ll warn everyone.”

Yuni’s brows furrowed, but she nodded. “If that is what you think is best.”

“Remember what we did in that first town?” Asha asked.

“Yes,” Yuni replied. “I should do the same here?”

“Exactly. So you should lead the way.” The almost began walking, but she stopped abruptly. “Not yet,” she said, taking off her cloak. She balled it up and passed it to Yuni. “Put it in the bag,” she said. “Being seen here in mage robes would probably only invite trouble.”

“Of course,” Yuni murmured, placing it inside the bag, somehow making it fit though the bag was small.

They still looked rather shabby and in odd clothing, but nothing notable that would invite anything further than a second glance.

“Now we can go,” Asha said.

This is mainly a question for Bisc as they've read it all. How's my pacing so far? If you need to reread to figure it out, you can ignore this, but if you have thoughts off the top of your head, I'd really like to know.


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Fri Dec 08, 2017 9:41 pm
liehart wrote a review...



The first paragraph feels a little more like telling rather than showing? Despite that, the next few paragraphs definitely show and are very well written, and the character development is really compelling! Though maybe rather than just stating exhaustion is taking a toll on Asha maybe go into her internal monologue about her feeling to the plants more? You can afford to have a rambly, perhaps philosophical moment here.

Asha and Yuni's interaction is great, though if I'm honest the roses/blushing metaphor seems odd? It would probably seem less so as a simile.

Also, the paragraphs here are all very short, I think in general a bit more description would help. Especially when the themes of this are as insidious as they are, I think that you could go into more depth about how awful everything is. Also, this chapter is really more of an extract, and it's fine to only post shorter bits at a time, but again I'm not sure this chapter has enough to it to be called such.

That said, I can't fault the dialogue or the narrator's voice here. And you've clearly been building up to something and I'm very excited to know what that is!




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Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:42 am
Brigadier wrote a review...



I decided I would finally get around to reviewing these this morning and then I remembered today was RD, so here I am.

I am starting to warm up more to this story, which I don't remember if I've said before or not since all of my reviews are kind of fuzzy at the current moment. But yeah, this is a story that I came into severally disliking but it's finally getting its crap together, so I can appreciate that. Your plot has its crap better together than my personal life does, and it's bouncing and teleporting all over the countryside.

Which brings us to some moral concerns of the character and questions about the lore that you have formed. Like her job is to protect people and the kingdom and probably the wellbeing of the planet, but for these mages to operate, they have to leave crop circles??? There's something suspicious about that business and also how the characters interact outside of the main two, which is still pretty awkward, but not as awkward as it was five chapters ago. Everything just seems rather general for me, like plugged in as a substitute for more information further down the line, even though it was probably intentional.
The way I process these things is very odd so you can ignore some of these comments if you like.

The ending of the chapter is like all of the endings that you have had so far, just leading into the next, somewhere in between graceful and clumsy. You do a pretty good job of stringing these segments together and creating the little zones of time that people don't question, and I've probably already covered all this before, so I'll just move on.

One thing I'm liking/disliking abotu Asha is how her attention shifts and she seems very prideful, but doesn't always apply it at the right time. This is true for a lot of characters so I guess really as far of any of my comments go, I'll just have to read the rest of the story.




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Mon Sep 04, 2017 12:41 am
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello again, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for review number three for #RevMo ! Let's get right into it!

The beginning of this chapter has some nice detail of what Asha and Yuni are feeling as they teleport throughout the plains. However, I think the constant reminding that the teleportations are loud and tiring is a bit unnecessary. Stating it every once in a while is fine, but I feel stating it every time Asha teleports is repetitive.

There is a nice amount of character and plot advancement in this chapter, although I believe there is more plot instead of character. The plot and movement go smoothly along, and the character development, while it is kind of lacking in this chapter, is going along just as smoothly. Asha seems more and more human while Yuni has become more than just a friendly stranger. I love it.

"Yuni nearly tumbled over Asha, not expecting the abrupt halt. Asha swiveled around and caught Yuni before she fell, helping her up. Two pairs of brown eyes, not quite the same shade met for what seemed like forever and a day to Asha, but somehow, all too soon, Yuni's eyes darkened and she glanced away."

I find that so adorable 10/10.

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.

Pastel




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Sat Aug 19, 2017 2:22 am
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Virgil wrote a review...



What's up buttercup? This is Kays here dropping in for a review as requested (I'm finally getting off my lazy butt just for you. I don't have the energy but I did make a packet of Kool Aid and that means I'm ready to go)! Let's cut that long intro and jump right in.

The next days were spent in a state of perpetual nausea as Asha teleported both herself and Yuni across the Kuwhan plains. At night, hoping that the royal mages wouldn't find any of the circles of dead grass she had left was all she could do.


I'm pretty sure I don't know this because I haven't read the earlier chapters, but how does teleporting work? Is there a certain distance that Asha can teleport the two of them since they're being teleported across the Kuwhan plains? Just wondering.

The writing in this chapter is pretty nice--specifically the imagery is an improved aspect that occurs in the first half. The second half is more dialogue based but I enjoyed the part about Asha being a waking nightmare even if the first half drags on for a little long without plot progression. This is able to be trimmed down a teensy bit for a better effect. Of course I'd suggest doing this in a later draft instead of going back to do that now but generally I agree with Biscuits in that the teleportation sequence doesn't have to be quite as long. Try to earn an equal effect in a condensed amount of writing. I also wanted to note that teleportation sounds similar to car sickness and that does not sound fun at all.

Yuni nearly tumbled over Asha, not expecting the abrupt halt. Asha swiveled around and caught Yuni before she fell, helping her up. Two pairs of brown eyes, not quite the same shade met for what seemed like forever and a day to Asha, but somehow, all too soon, Yuni's eyes darkened and she glanced away.


Is this romance? I can't tell if this is hinting at a future romance with the two of them looking at each other but the two of them seem to have emotional turmoil. The pacing here overall is pretty well-executed except for parts of the first half while the second half is a lot more balanced and uses strong dialogue to an advantage. The whole part where they're looking into each others' eyes again and skirt parts says romance again to me? The roses on Yuni's cheeks also indicate this.

Overall there's more of character development than plot development that I found here (even though I know Biscuits said the opposite). The first half of the chapter is more plot based while the second half is more character based--attempt to make that shift into dialogue a little more natural. The rest of this? Pretty solid chapter, Stormy!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




inktopus says...


Thanks for getting to this so quickly! Asha can only take them so far when she teleports, so if she's traversing a long way, it could take her several bouts to get where she's going. On to the romance. It is romance, but the first attempt, I guess. I'm trying to build it up slowly from here, but I'm not sure how I'll actually do.



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Thu Aug 17, 2017 7:02 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hihihihi sorry this took so long.

Nit-picks and nice moments:

in the weeks following her departure from Merdon.

Is that her home? I'm not actually sure I've heard it mentioned before.

the time it took for them to recover had shortened drastically.


dropped at those words.Though the voice was

missed space after the full stop. Also at this point I thought the voice was talking to Asha, so that was a bit confusing.

Asha stood there petrified

This is almost identical to the start of your previous paragraph, so it's a bit repetitive.

That perfectly manicured grass

I really like that description.

Asha pulled herself atop the fence, Precariously balancing

random capital

“How did you get over?” Asha asked incredulously.

A wee bit tell-y

They still looked rather shabby and in odd clothing

Don't think you need that "and".

Overall:

Imma try free-styling without the categories today - let me know what you think.

I actually saw your note about pacing when I was typing my opening line so I kept it in mind as I read it. The pacing in the second half was perfect, but I don't know if you necessarily needed the teleportation sequence in the first half. It was good for reminding me that teleportation is loud, and tiring, but that could have been done if you opened with the last teleportation of this chapter. You could have the chapter opening with a crack and Asha bending over double from the exhaustion.

It wasn't an enormously big problem, but you did ask xD

The moment with Yuni getting over the fence by climbing was a lovely little moment of humour. It's ironic that watching ATLA got in the way of me reviewing this, because it had a very ATLA vibe for me there. I could imagine Yuni with a big Aang like smile and Asha with a Katara raised eyebrow. (I will fangirl about ATLA on the discord later :P)

Obviously because there was plot advancement in this chapter there was less character development, but I think if you're going to do one then the other then you've done it in the correct order. It's good to be able to root for the characters (especially now having more understanding of Yuni than just as the kind stranger) even more than I already was. You were maybe right about wanting to break up the more feels-y chapters. Having them find one of the burnt villages, then this, then one of the other moments might mean that the event could play into the characters explaining aspects of themselves to the others, but obviously that does depend on what happens next in the plot.

I also think it's okay as is, but you probably want to get more opinions on that.

Lastly, the bit with the skirt. I think if you'd had Yuni pause for some reason and Asha have to snap at her to get her to concentrate, it would be good groundwork for Yuni admitting later that she'd been contemplating looking up Asha's skirt. Although actually I feel like you described it as the other way around... Either way, I think you could work it in.

Hope this helps and apologies for the delay,
Biscuits :)




inktopus says...


thankyouthankyouthankyou for the review! I just wanted to clarify that Merdon was the capital of Malland, so where the palace is and where everything began. I liked the freestyle format, but the more structured thing is nice when I'm nervous about a certain aspect because, odds are, you've covered it. That%u2019s just me though. Do whatever makes it easier for you!




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