z

Young Writers Society


16+

My Life in a Bizarre Town: Chapter 5

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

First Period; History class, 8:38AM…

I was inside my history class where my teacher, Mr. Garcia, was giving us a lecture on the Battle of Thermopylae while, also, pointing out the numerous historical inaccuracies that, from those, brought us the movie, “300”.

“From the picture on the left is a portrait of Spartans during the Greco-Persian Wars—fully clothed in armor—and on your right is the poster to the movie, 300, featuring ‘King Leonidas’ as he is now, armorless and only wearing a cape, helmet, and a pair of speedos, which is completely inaccurate as …” my mind drifted away as it was difficult for me to keep my eyes open. Because of Keiko’s advances last night, I wasn’t able to get much sleep, which is the reason why I came to class, and school, late; however, it seems that many of my classmates had been giving me the stink eye ever since I walked in;, it took me three good minutes to lose those fanatics, now, ever since the Hikari incident yesterday, I have to deal with this, as well? Great! Even, when I looked over at Elizabeth, she just kept giving me the cold shoulder; I guess she’s mad from reading what was on the current events on the school’s bulletin board...

Second period; Gymnastics, 9:00AM…

The gymnasium in the school was pretty big; there was enough room for two classes. In all four parts there were basketball hoops hanging on the walls, at the end was the changing room, divided between the boys and the girls, and, lastly, on the east and west, were the benches that, automatically, protrude and retract from the walls.

I was standing in a long row of students, dressed in my usual white t-shirt, gym shorts, and sneakers, facing in front of the gym teacher, Coach Richards; a large man with the voice of a drill sergeant, he walked back and forth, looking us right in the eye and lecturing us on today’s activity. “Class, today we are performing our routine laps; for quarter of our class time, you’ all will be running about three laps around the gymnasium and once you are finish you will be divided into three groups, each doing an individual curriculum: one group will do basketball, another will do jump rope, and another will do soccer.” After saying all of that while walking across the line of students, Coach Richards suddenly stopped at where I was, and gave me a menacing glare. With a tone more hateful than professional, he said the following,“Except for you, Haru Takishima! You’ll be running twelve laps around the gymnasium; when you are done, you'll then be re-inflating all of the deflated basketballs using only but your own mouth!”

My jaw completely dropped from hearing that. I was being punished for no reason. “Oh, come on, couch, that's not fair!” I complained, flashing an irritated expression at my gym teacher.

But the coach ignored me, continuing where he left off, “Now, let’s begin!” blowing his whistle, everyone got in line and as the song, “Headstrong”, was playing on the stereo on top of the bench’s third row, we’ all proceeded to run.

30-minutes-later…

I kept on running for at least another seven laps; everyone else had already finished and was busy doing what they were assigned. As I kept running, my legs were already starting to shake from exhaustion while large beads of sweat fell from my face and dropping onto the floor, but that didn’t stop me and, so I tried to keep myself from giving up. I don’t care if this is my punishment; I am not going to let that meathead-of-a-coach try to get the best of me! I shouted, mentally, with pride. Creek! Right when I was about to finish lap #7, my right leg immediately cramped on me, yelping in pain as I paused and placed both hands on the ligaments, rubbing it so to bring the sting down. My leg hurt like hell, but I couldn’t give up…not with that sadistic gym teacher looking at me with that smug grin of his, which was starting to piss me of; so, I stood back up and kept on running, no matter how much pain I was feeling.

Finally, after finishing five more laps around the gym, I was done with the first-half of my punishment; unfortunately, I still had to re-inflate the damn basketballs, placing the end against my mouth and letting almost all the air from my lungs, inhale, and breath in again.

“God, what did I do to deserve this?” I whined to myself, sighing in exhaustion as I grabbed another ball. I had finished twenty balls and only had five to go.

“Well, that’s what you get for being a pervert!” I recognized that voice and as I turned around, I saw Alexandra standing behind me with a proud smirk and both hands crossed against her chest; like the rest of us, she was dressed in a white top with a pair of gym shorts; however, the gym shorts were small and her shirt looked tight around the chest area. Flashing a glare, I didn’t bother to argue with the werewolf and returned to my punishment. “I guess this is God’s way of punishing you for committing two atrocities: seeing me completely naked AND looking under a young girl’s skirt!”

Honestly, if I have to hear Alexandra complain about a complete accident, then I would rather keep on inflating basketballs. “If you’re done belittling me, why not help me out by grabbing me another one of those basketballs from that metal tray; I would get it myself, but I think I can't feel my legs,” Alexandra scowled, yet complied, walking over toward the set of deflated balls, grabbing the last five and handing them to me.

12-minutes-later...

After I was done, I turned my attention back to the Werewolf girl and retorted, “And for your information, Alex, I’m not a pervert; what happened between me and Hikari was a complete accident. In fact, if it wasn’t for me, she would’ve fallen to her death!”

Hearing my reply, Alexandra almost laughed from the sheer words of my explanation. “Yeah, right! When I saw that picture on the bulletin board, you looked like a crazy maniac with an intense nosebleed! In fact, I bet you enjoyed seeing her underwear, just like how you enjoyed seeing me without any clothes on that night!” she whispered, inaudibly, being careful not to draw attention. Thinking back, I couldn't help but admit that seeing Alexandra's soft, yet tanned, naked skin and Hikari's silky, yellow panties got my blood pumpin—Ugh! Why am I thinking about that now!

“Aren't you suppose to be doing what you're assigned to do?!” I stated, sternly, yet irritably; if you want to know, Alexandra was supposed to be jump roping.

Shaking her head, she didn't seem very excited about it, replying in an unenthusiastic tone of voice, “Why would I do something as pointless as swinging rope under my legs? That's something you do at recess during kindergarten! We werewolves like to do something more challenging like running and jumping on the rooftops of buildings, or toss large boulders at each other; you know, something that gives us an edge over weaklings!” her tone was starting to sound a bit condescending. “If you were a werewolf, you would understand.”

I rolled my eyes, letting out a soft sigh from my nostrils. I didn’t want to hear anymore; so, I got up off the ground and replied, waving my right hand nonchalant, “Look, you do your own thing; I’m going to go sit on the benches.” When I looked back, Alexandra was just looking at me with an arched eyebrow and both of her arms crossed. Sitting down on the right bench on the third row, I leaned back as I watched everyone in the gym doing what he or she was assigned to do; I was too exhausted to participate thanks to the coaches’ punishment. Fortunately, this gave me time to rest before the bell for next period to occur.

Then, I felt someone sitting next to me; what surprised me was that it was Alexandra, but, this time, without the cheeky expression she had earlier. “Hey, you mind if I sit here?” she asked with a respectful tone in her voice. Turning my attention, I pondered for a few seconds and finally said to her, “Sure, go ahead.” We didn’t speak for a couple of seconds, but the silence soon broke with Alexandra saying to me, “I’m sorry about everything I just said; I may have went to far. After I read about what happened, I thought it would be funny to get back at you for seeing me in the nude; I guess, my pride just got the best of me, huh?”

“Hey, that’s okay; I’m not the kind of guy to hold a grudge, so I’m just gonna let it go,” I pointed out while waving my hand, nonchalant.

Hearing this, Alexandra mustered a smile…no, not the arrogant smile from before, but a warm, considerate smile. Finally, in a soft voice, she said to me, “Thanks.”

Just then, the bell rang and it was time to head out to third period. 30-minutes-later, after changing my clothes, I walked down the hall and straight out of the door of the “Southern Sector”; unfortunately, however, third period was no different from what I had gone through today.

2-hours-later…

Today was horrible; I couldn’t believe I manage to survive. First, in third period—Earth Science—my teacher, Ms. Azazel, kept badgering me with numerous questions, instead of giving some of them to the other students and when I did get them right, she just announced them as “Wrong” as if going against the teacher’s code. Then, in fourth period—art—my teacher didn’t let me do the assignment on the board; instead, for the whole period, she made me restack, and take down, all the boxes of unopened painting materials, over and over. Thank God, the day was over and I couldn’t wait to go home; unfortunately, I was stopped in my tracks as I felt two hands placed on my shoulders. I was too afraid to turned around due to feeling a cold chill running done my spine, but, after swallowing a lump that was forming in my throat, I managed to turn around, only to come face-to-face with Liz and Keiko.

My body trembled a bit as I saw a dark, threatening aura manifested from their bodies. Ever since during fourth period, they’ve been looking at me as if they wanted to kill me.

Then, Elizabeth, holding up this morning’s article, inquired, calmly with a seemingly non-hostile smile, “Would you mind explaining what THIS is all about?” oh god, this was not going to end well; I better come up with an explanation, and fast, but right before any kind of excuse came out of my mouth, Keiko grabbed both of my arms, violently shaking me and wailed, “It’s not true, isn’t it?! There’s nothing going between you and this woman, right?! Also, if you wanted to see a woman’s you could just ask me and I’ll gladly show you mine!” without hesitation, she lifted up her skirt, revealing an array of pink and lilies. At that moment, I had the biggest nosebleed I’ve ever had, lasting about three seconds. Luckily, Elizabeth was there to forcefully put the succubus’s skirt back down.

“Look, there’s nothing going on between me and Hikari!” I explained, hoping to reason with my disgruntled childhood friends. “She was about to fall off the ledge, I caught her, and nothing else happened afterwards!” after I finished, I looked up and saw that they were now calming down a bit; I could see less of the dark aura, but they still had the same disgruntled look on their faces.

“Okay, we’ll let it slide, but don’t think we’re letting you off the hook that easily,” said Elizabeth; wrapping their arms around mine, Elizabeth and Keiko made sure they had a tight grip as we walked down the street. Then, Keiko stated, “So, just to be sure you won’t do anything else lewd, we’re going to keep an eye on you and watch while we walk back home!” no matter how much I protested, they didn’t let go.

30-minutes-later…

I had managed to get away from those two; unfortunately, I couldn’t head back home because Keiko would be there and would watch me like a hawk. Not just Keiko, but Elizabeth would, also, be watching me, too. So, the only safe haven to go to was back to the school. Hiding behind the bleachers of the baseball field, I was breathing heavily with sweat coming down my forehead. I panicked when I heard Liz’s voice shouting, “Haru, where are you!” followed by Keiko screaming, “Yeah, come on out!” which made me tense up even more.

Luckily, when the coast was clear, I slipped out and was about to head home until I spotted the entire student body, even some of the teachers, sneaking into the school building through the gymnasium. After the mistreatment they gave me, I knew something wasn’t right. I had to see this for myself; I wanted know what was going on. So, without being noticed, I quickly ran through the gymnasium doors and was surprised to see the entire room packed. What was more surprising was that there was a giant stage in the far back. What the hell is going on?! It’s like some sort of concert is about to start in the school! As I pondered the situation, the lights went out and the stage soon lid up. “Alright, ladies and gentleman, here is what you’ve all been waiting for! The one and only, Hikari!” rising from the stage’s trap door was Hikari; she was dressed in a pink long-sleeved Gothic Lolita dress with lace trims, ribbons, and bows, a pair of white frilled knee-socks with pink heeled mary-janes. In her left hand was a microphone and as she moved it to her mouth, she spoke with such enthusiasm, “Hello, everyone, are you ready to rock!” she raised her fist in the air, causing thousands of people to cheer. I never really thought she would say something like that. Seconds later, music began playing—a combination of beats, guitars, and trumpets—while colorful lights shined from the stage lighting. This was when the show was about to begin.


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Fri Mar 04, 2016 2:47 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to take this out of the green room! I apologize because I haven't read the previous chapters, so I'll be looking at this as a part of a larger whole. :)

I thought the structure of the chapter was interesting. It almost read like a diary. I'm not sure if that was your intention or not, but once I got into it a bit, it worked pretty well for me. I think it's cool when writers use creative means to tell stories.

I don't have a lot of big picture thoughts that will be easy to explain without examples, so I'll just move right into the good stuff. :)

First Period; History class, 8:38AM…

This whole first chunk about his first period - I'm not sure if it's necessary. I wasn't quite sure what the point of it was in the larger scheme of things. The only function it seemed to serve was a place for him to think about what happened the night before. That part was interesting to me because I love internal monologues and I love thoughts, but the rest didn't do much for me.

I noticed throughout this chapter that you seem to account for each moment of his day. If we as the reader don't actually see what happens, you still tell us what happened. To me, that tends to add a lot of unnecessary fluff. Stick to the big events that really drive the plot forward and develop those (like the stuff that happens in his second period). You do a nice job with his thoughts and his internal monologue, but I think it can be woven in more. To me, the chapter feels choppy right now because there are a lot of breaks.

So I guess to sum up (I tend to ramble :p), I don't think you need this first bit. Save the thoughts and add them in during the gym scene.

30-minutes-later…

You do this a couple of times throughout this chapter and I think it unnecessarily breaks things up. I think the chapter would read smoother without these little breaks. You can transition and show the transition of time, but through your prose. For example here, you could combine this information with what will come in the next sentence like: "Thirty minutes later, I was still running and had at least another seven laps to go." You're still saying the same things and you're getting the same information, but it's a bit smoother.

As I kept running, my legs were already starting to shake from exhaustion while large beads of sweat fell from my face and dropping onto the floor, but that didn’t stop me and, so I tried to keep myself from giving up.

This is another thing I noticed a lot - run on sentences. I'm not going to point out every instance of them because that will start to feel repetitive. This is a great article from our Knowledge Base about what run-ons are, how to fix them, and how to find them in your work if you're interested in reading more. :)

“Well, that’s what you get for being a pervert!”

This whole conversation with Alexandra baffled me a bit. I'm sure part of the reason is that I don't have any context for this chapter and I'm coming in late. One thing I wondered as I was reading their fight was how is everyone else in they gym reacting to this? These two are going at it and exchanging some pretty harsh words. Other people have to be hearing this. Do they care? How are they reacting? Does the gym teacher care that this guy suddenly stopped and is having this throw down of words with a classmate?

The other part that baffled me a bit was that they had this big throw down and then it's like we turned around and they were friends again. It was a huge turn-around and it felt really out of the blue. Both of their apologies and how they got over it felt a bit phony to me because they were so upset and then fine so quickly.

I managed to turn around, only to come face-to-face with Liz and Keiko.

Their conversation really baffled me. I was so confused about what was going on and why they were doing what they were doing. I'm sure part of the reason, again, is because I'm coming in late and have no context. I would just be sure that in earlier drafts you clearly explain to your reader what this world is like and what is acceptable and not acceptable in this world and what these character's personalities are like. Obviously not in a big boring info-dump or anything, but you know that. And for all I know, the world was clearly established in the first couple of chapters :)

The ending also felt a bit rushed to me. Your paragraphs started to get a lot longer and I think your description and the feelings of your MC started to suffer a bit. I would try to slow all of that down a bit more starting with the conversation with the girls and then really slow down the big discovery at the end. I want it to feel really dramatic and full of suspense and to me it feels more like reporting right now.

Intriguing story and overall pretty good execution! I hope you continue writing it :) Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




kman134 says...


most of the story is merely comedy; also, i know about run-on sentences and that one part wasn't suppose to be a run-on sentence.

Lastly, thanks for the suggestions and the review, and you should read the other chapters, next, so you can understand the world better.



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Sat Feb 13, 2016 3:12 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



The gymnasium in the school was pretty big; there was enough room for two classes. In all four parts there were basketball hoops hanging on the walls, at the end was the changing room, divided between the boys and the girls, and, lastly, on the east and west, were the benches that, automatically, protrude and retract from the walls.


I like that you're setting the scene here, but we know what a gym looks like, so you can cut back and leave this out if you wish -- ultimately, it's your call, though, if you want a more concise story.

dressed in my usual white t-shirt, gym shorts, and sneakers


This would likely be required to wear in a gym class, so I'd just have him say that instead of acting like it's what he wears all the time.

Coach Richards; a large man with the voice of a drill sergeant, he walked back and forth, looking us right in the eye and lecturing us on today’s activity.


Hmm, interesting character...since it's in the same paragraph, I'd actually like you to better describe him instead of what the main character is wearing. I think that'd be more interesting.

our routine laps; for quarter of our class time, you’ all will be running about three laps around the gymnasium and once you are finish you will be divided into three groups, each doing an individual curriculum: one group will do basketball, another will do jump rope, and another will do soccer.”


If it's routine, why does he need to explain it? This can be fixed by simply removing the routine line.

“Except for you, Haru Takishima! You’ll be running twelve laps around the gymnasium; when you are done, you'll then be re-inflating all of the deflated basketballs using only but your own mouth!”


Ha ha, what a jerk. I like this story.

everyone else had already finished and was busy doing what they were assigned. As I kept running, my legs were already


No need for already here

I don’t care if this is my punishment; I am not going to let that meathead-of-a-coach try to get the best of me! I shouted, mentally, with pride.


You know, I think this would actually have a bigger impact if she really shouted that...then you could do like a one second cutaway to show how people react, and I think that might flow well.

Thinking back, I couldn't help but admit that seeing Alexandra's soft, yet tanned, naked skin and Hikari's silky, yellow panties got my blood pumpin—Ugh! Why am I thinking about that now!


Now this is just not necessary -- I thought you did a nice job of creating a sympathetic character up to this point, but by proving that mean girl right and admitting to us that he is in fact, a pervert, I just don't feel as bad for him anymore. I'll just say this is a weird, weird thing to think about including...I guess I'm biased, I don't like reading or writing about perversion in general, but like everything else, it's your call...

“Aren't you suppose to be doing what you're assigned to do?!” I stated


Stated is so formal, remember that this is a school days thing, not a business meeting...

if you want to know, Alexandra was supposed to be jump roping.


And how does he know that

We werewolves like to do something more challenging like running and jumping on the rooftops of buildings


haha what

I have no idea what the end was about. I think this story is...weird. We start with gym class, the coach just goes nuts on the main character, then all of a sudden we have this interesting Alex character, who happens to be a werewolf. Then this guy is getting bullied by two people, runs into a gym where they call this Hikari person onto the stage.

I guess I'm only confused because I didn't read any previous chapters, haha. But I thought it was weird in a "Wow, this is really entertaining way". I pointed out of things and nitpicked a lot in this review, but I really did have fun writing this, so that's really really good. Very entertaining piece, some things you can change to make it better, but overall it was just really fun to read. Hope you upload more chapters and I'll read them ^^




kman134 says...


This is why everyone should just read the story in order; that way, we could all avoid confusion and we can see where the story is developing.



kman134 says...


also, thanks for the review and hope you enjoy the rest of the story.



tigeraye says...


no worries




If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde