z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

my Life in a Bizarre Town: Chapter 10

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

Everything was dark and cold; I couldn't see where I was, nor was able I able to move. In Fact, I felt like I was sitting on something—a chair, maybe—and I think I might be tied up from the fact that both my arms and legs are bound to the chair's hi-legs and my arms bound to the back rail. I knew it; I had been kidnapped and I guess whatever that thing I saw in my closet that gagged and blindfolded me really wasn't a dream. I tried to figure out where I was, but because I was blindfolded, I couldn't tell where I was, but by the echoing sound of water dripping to the solid floor and the damp smell, I was either in a cave or in a basement. I tried my best to struggle, hoping that the inertia would burn the ropes and free me.

“Don't try to struggle; you'll only make the ropes tighter,” stated a voice in a feminine, cautioning tone; it sounded very close, almost as if someone was in the room already. Also, by the sound of her voice, I could tell that she was Latin in origin.

I could hear the sound of clicking heels echoing throughout the room, coming closer to me. Suddenly, the blindfold was removed; however, I cringed at the lighting as my eyesight began to adjust. The silhouette in front o me started becoming clear and I could finally see who it was; it was, indeed, a woman who looked about a year older than me with long black hair that reached down to her waist, light-brown skin with a beauty mark on her upper-right lip, and hazel eyes that glistened in the light, wearing a black, latex jumpsuit with the zipper dragged down in the middle of her chest, so to give some oxygen to her well-formed cleavage.

Usually, in normal situations, I would remain calm and methodical in the best of my abilities, but since I've been kidnapped and am being held hostage in god knows where, I was too desperate in trying to free myself from the rope that was tying me down, even if it meant getting intense rope burn in the process.

Grabbing my face, she moved it to face hers' and repeated, sternly, “I said, 'don't try to struggle', I don't want to have you come with bloody wrists and ankles to my masters.” I was so close to her face that my cheeks were turning red; letting me go, she, gingerly, took a few steps away from me, turned around, and faced me with both arms crossed.

“W-who are you?! Where is this place?! What are you going to do to me?!” I questioned, still shaken by the ordeal; however, upon closer look I could've sworn she looked familiar.

Then, I pieced it together; I even visualized an image of a girl who looked like her in my school, on the walkway, and at Hikari's concert, except that she wasn't wearing a catsuit, but was dressed in casual clothing; every time that girl shows up, she would stare at me with observing eyes.

“Wait a minute; aren't you that girl who sits besides me in History? Oh god, don't tell me you're some sort of yandere stalker, are you?!” I panicked, shivering at the thought of being used as her plaything. It's bad enough that I have to deal with Keiko trying to suffocate me at home (though, sometimes, I do enjoy it), now I got to deal with a stalker, there's no way I can handle that!

Arching an eyebrow, she seemed confused by my statement, but she shook it off and sighed, explaining, “No, I am not a stalker; my name is Isabelle Ramenez, I am a cleric sent by the Scarlet Order to investigate this town, and I took you and brought you here so that I can deliver you to the Order, myself.” Her expression became more deadpanned at the end of the sentence.

“Wouldn't that make you a kidnapper, instead?” I pointed out while arching an eyebrow.

“Hmm, I guess it would,” She confirmed, placing a finger on her chin in thought, which made me look at her, aggravatingly.

Looking around, I could tell that we were, indeed, in a basement, which had bleak walls and water dripping from the pipes, but I didn't know whose basement it was. “So, another question is: 'Where am I?' and please don't tell me this is your basement,” I inquired, having a glare on my face; since I’ve now gotten use to this, I wasn't frightened anymore.

Luckily, she did answer with a straightforward expression, “This is the basement of the house I've rented; since it's midnight, I can't bring you to the 'drop-zone', so I had to bring you here, instead.” placing a hand on her hip, her expression reverted by into a stoic one. “By tomorrow, I will deliver to my comrades who are stationed at the local church and transport you to one of the Order's bases outside of the town.”

Shocked, I didn't like what she had just explained and I certainly am not looking forward to the idea of being hauled out of town and brought to somewhere else. “What is this order and what does it want with me?” I asked, making sure to not show any sign of fear. It’s probably best to stick with a poker face in order to press more information out of her as much as I could without feeling intimidated. It was like being in an interrogation scene from a spy movie, where the bad guys capture the main character and torture him in various, inhumane methods. I had to make sure to watch what I’m saying and choose my words carefully with what little time I had left, so to not get on my kidnappers’ bad side before knowing the reason why I was here? Who wants me? What their goal of doing this was? And where I was going? Despite her saying that her ‘masters’ wanted me alive, didn’t imply that she and the other people she mentioned won’t do something drastic to me. Dying at such a young age would be the saddest thing to ever happen, especially if you’re a virgin.

“I was sent by the Order to Archangel to investigate the activities of this town; as you may have noticed, this town is surrounded by forests and mountains and because of the rich iron deposits within the area, especially within the mountain, which makes it difficult for satellites to pinpoint its’ location and unable to monitor anything. While living here for about 4 weeks, I have been sending numerous reports about the phenomena that exist in this area, but the biggest phenomenon I have ever sent that caused such an uproar within my organization…is you,” she pointed out at the end with her index finger towards me. I was about to say something right before she continued: “Ever since that incident at the concert in the gymnasium, watching you glowing amber, and defeating that troll in one hit, was when my masters desired me to observe you and after finishing my observations, my masters ordered me to abduct you and bring you to them.”

The more she explained, the faster I was losing my poker face and my expression soon changed into a dumbfound one; I could even feel my face dripping with sweat. Damn it, I knew that fight at Hikari’s concert would attract trouble, but I thought it would be that troll, again, and not getting kidnapped by some secret organization! Taking a deep breath, I finally asked her the question that plagued my thoughts, “Who are the Order?”

Before she answered, she remarked, “Since you’re going to see them, you’ll learn a lot about them tomorrow; till then, you’ll be staying down here, tied up and unable to escape.” When I heard that from her, I honestly couldn’t help but chuckle about the thought of how such a delicate place could go unhindered.

I personally didn’t think that would happen so smoothly considering our location. “You do realize that I wasn’t the only person living in that house,” I said, trying to sound as threatening as possible. “My friend Keiko will figure out that I’m not at home and when she does, she’ll know where I am and come save me; if not her, then Liz will do the same, also, and you don’t want to mess with them!” I concluded; smiling with confidence; I had faith that they would save me from this person, especially Keiko since she's a master stalker, which is, for once, something I was actually happy for her to be. Plus, since one of them is a vampire, and the other a succubus, and if the legends of both races are accurate, then they are not someone to be trifle with. My defiant grin faded when I saw the intimidating smile on Isabelle’s face.

“Oh, I’m aware of your friends; I didn’t just do research on you, but I also did research on those two, as well,” she remarked; she was now standing next to the basement door, looking at me with both arms crossed. “You didn’t think I wouldn’t do any background checks on your friends, did you? I know that they might find out you’re missing and try to search for you, but you’ll be long gone by the time they do and if they somehow manage to get close, I’m prepared to deal with them, accordingly.” Her grin started to become sinister, which made me lose all of my confidence; she turned off the lights and left the room, closing the door behind her and leaving me all alone in the dark.

Great, just great; getting kidnapped by a woman with skills and contacts is something I hadn’t planned for. Not to mention that whomever this woman is working for, they have access to information about this town, have vast resources to do research and detain, not just me, but other people with ease in just 2 days, and are capable of silencing anyone who gets in their way.

Just who are these guys?

1:48AM…

I was still awake; because of this situation, I couldn’t fall asleep, mostly because I’m afraid of what else might be lurking down here, probably snakes. The bags on my eyelids were becoming more apparent as the hours went by. Suddenly, a teal light began to glow beside me and the more it got closer, the brighter and more human-shaped it became and when it stopped, I finally got a better look at it. Right in front of me was a little girl, about 12-inch-tall, with long green hair with autumn red ends that stretched to her waist, and her bangs stretching down and tied to a golden hairband at the end, pale skin, pointy ears and violet eyes; completely naked, she was absent of clothing and only had rose petals with green leaves on both of her thighs cross-tied around her abdomen and written all over her body were tattoos lines representing vines and leaves: on her upper & lower legs, on her abdomen, on her upper arms, on her face, and on her breasts; lastly, on her back were large red and white wings similar to the red pierrot butterfly.

Wait, is that a…a fairy?! I, mentally, exclaimed with wide-eyes. Flying closer to my face with a smile, she spoke, greeting me while placing both of her hands on my nose, “Bonjour! Como ta le vous?! As-tu des problemes?! Vous etes assez intelligent our me comprendre?! Vous aimez etre ligote?!”

She spoke French; I wish I understood French, then I would be able to communicate with the fairy! I only knew a few French words, but I doubt that they would be of use. So, I tried to speak in the common language. “Umm…can you help me? I’m tied up and I can’t escape; so, could you please untie me and help me get out of here?” I whispered, loudly, trying to make sure to not alert may captor. I was hoping that she understood me and hoped she had a big enough conscience to help me get those damn ropes off of me, so I could get the hell out of there.

Looking at me with such big eyes, she didn’t reply; instead, the fairy just laughed, childishly, and flew away, waving goodbye and saying, “Vous etes drole! Au revoir, mon nouvel ami! Au revoir!” then she flew and phased right through the basement window and into the outside. Just like that, she left a 16-year-old boy alone in the dark to rot in a dirty basement.

Well, so much for that idea! I hung my head low, sulking as the weight of my current position was taking a toll on me. I was trapped and had no way of getting out of the ropes holding me down, even trying to wiggle out of them only made them tighter, but that didn't stop me for I still had faith that my friends will come and save me, or something else will lead to my salvation; all I had to do was wait and see; however, as I waited for 30 minutes, my head fell down again in depression and I sighed.

“I’m doomed!” I groaned; I couldn’t wait for what else kind of ordeal would happen next.

10:34AM; the next morning…

Finally, after three hours, I was able to fall asleep; unfortunately, that time of bliss ended when I heard the door flew open, snapping me awake and turning my attention to the source of the sound. It was known other than Isabelle, but instead of wearing her catsuit, she was dressed in a gray sleepshirt with the words “Angel Girl” on the front, a pair of red velvet pajama pants, and a pair of pink slippers. In her hands, she was carrying a tray of what appeared to be food.

“So, did you sleep well?” she inquired, stoically while arching an eyebrow. Walking up to me, she placed the tray on my lap, displaying the contents that were on the surface: Two sunnyside eggs, four strips of bacon, and two slices of toast. When she looked at my face, she seemed to have had a second opinion. “Apparently not; I made breakfast for you, I hope you have the energy to eat because you’re going to need to rejuvenate yourself before I take you out.” At the end, her tone sounded a bit callous.

I flashed a tiring glare at the woman, which she just brushed off, but then my expression faded into discomfort, mainly between my legs, “Umm…I got to use the bathroom.”

Flabbergasted; Isabelle looked up at me with her cheeks turning red and her stoic demeanor having faded. “W-what does that have to do with me?! C-can’t you just hold it until we leave?!” she retorted, stuttering as she looked embarrassed.

“I’ve been holding it in for two hours and I can’t hold it in any longer!” I screamed, frantically, having an uncomfortable expression on my face. Getting up, Isabelle dashed out of the room, ecstatically, and 20-minutes-later, she returned with a glass bottle in hand. “You really don’t expect me to pee in a bottle, do you?” I deadpanned.

“O-of course, I do! I can’t untie you and let you loose; so, this is your only option,” she confirmed, still having a shy, embarrassed tone of voice. Right before she placed that thing between my legs, she placed the blindfold around my eyes, again, shouting, “You’re not going to watch this! This is humiliating enough without having someone’s eyes looking at me!”

Thought I couldn’t see, the audio was still available; I could hear the sound of my zipper coming down and started hearing everything while feeling the bottle’s cold opening:

“Aye dios mio! It…it’s so big! I-I’ve never seen one before and I never thought it would be of this size! It’s like…like a horse!”

“Alright, alright! Enough with the audio commentary!”

Admittingly, she was exaggerating the whole thing. After all that, I was finally relieved and when she removed my blindfold, my zipper was up and I saw Isabelle’s face turned completely red while she was holding a bottle filled with my urine. “I-I’ll go dispose of this substance!” she left the room and didn’t come back down for fifty minutes.

12:58PM…

The time had come, I was out of the chair and finally free to walk, yet, unfortunately, my hands were still bound together while my captor hauled me out of the basement and towards the front door; however, for the whole time we were walking, Isabelle didn’t look at me and when she did, her face would fluster and look away.

Now, the front door was located in the living room; it had an oriental rug with a glass coffee table in the center, a couch in the north, a recliner in the east, and a flatscreen TV in the west.

“Here we go; the faster I get you to the checkpoint, the sooner I’ll get on with my life,” she muttered; right when she was about to reach for the door, a large explosion occurred, pushing the two of us aback and causing us to land on the couch in the living room. Looking up, Isabelle exclaimed, “what in God’s name was that?!”

As the smoke cleared, we saw two silhouettes at the front entrance, and when it continued fading, we got more and more of whom they were.

“Seriously, Keiko, was that really necessary to blow up the front door?!” said the first silhouette, ending it with a cough, holding something that looked like a parasol in her hand that covered her face.

“Hey, it’s called making an entrance! This is what brings intimidation in our enemies eyes!” said the second silhouette, striking a pose in such hubris; even if the dust didn’t clear, I could tell whose voices they belong two and I was both relieved and frightened.

Smiling, I shouted in content, “God, am I glad to see you girls!” unfortunately, after the dust cloud faded, I felt a powerful force of fear from seeing their angry, contorted faces.

“So, you really thought you could get away with kidnapping Haru, huh?!” roared Keiko; slamming her right fist into her left hand, I could hear the sound of her knuckles cracking with such force. “Big mistake, bitch! After we take Haru back, we’re going to teach you a lesson on stealing something that doesn’t belong to you!”


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Fri Sep 09, 2016 10:54 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi! I've not read the previous chapters but it's about time this got a review! :)

Specifics

1.

In Fact, I felt like I was sitting on something—a chair, maybe—and I think I might be tied up from the fact that both my arms and legs are bound to the chair's hi-legs and my arms bound to the back rail.
I think this is a slightly odd/ long winded way to tell us the narrator is tied up. I think something shorter would be more effective, maybe along the lines of:

In fact, I felt like I was sitting on something - a chair, maybe - and I was bound to it, my legs fastened at either side and my arms tied behind my back, the ropes chaffing at my wrists.

2.
I tried to figure out where I was, but because I was blindfolded, I couldn't tell where I was, but by the echoing sound of water dripping to the solid floor and the damp smell, I was either in a cave or in a basement.
There's a lot of telling vs showing going on here which makes it harder for the reader to get immersed in the story. You've got good details but they're not presented in the best way. I've never been good at describing the difference between these two ways of writing but if I take this sentence as an example, it would be more immersive if written like this:

I tried to figure out where I was but the blindfold made it impossible to see around the room so I had to rely on my other senses. I could hear the steady dripping of water and a damp smell permeated the air, like the smell in my basement back home. I was in someone else's basement then? Or perhaps a cave?

3. Next, how does the person feel about this? At the moment there's not a lot of fear or worry coming through so the sentence above might be a good chance to tag on another line like 'Knowing I might be deep in the mountains, too far for anyone to ever find me made my stomach twist'. Or anything really that gives us an emotional reaction - it would be good to know what thoughts are going through your character's head.

4.
“Don't try to struggle; you'll only make the ropes tighter,” stated a voice in a feminine, cautioning tone; it sounded very close, almost as if someone was in the room already.
Feminine, cautioning is a really awkward description. I'd say choose one or the other or re-phrase it to 'stated a feminine voice in a cautioning tone' but honestly, the words tell us that it's a caution so I don't think you need cautioning there.

5.
Also, by the sound of her voice, I could tell that she was Latin in origin.
This is too long a sentence for such a small extra detail. Either weave it into the previous sentence instead of 'cautioning' or find a more natural way to bring it in later.

6.
The silhouette in front of me started becoming clear and I could finally see who it was; it was, indeed, a woman who looked about a year older than me with long black hair that reached down to her waist, light-brown skin with a beauty mark on her upper-right lip, and hazel eyes that glistened in the light, wearing a black, latex jumpsuit with the zipper dragged down in the middle of her chest, so to give some oxygen to her well-formed cleavage.


7.
Usually, in normal situations, I would remain calm and methodical in the best of my abilities, but since I've been kidnapped and am being held hostage in god knows where, I was too desperate in trying to free myself from the rope that was tying me down, even if it meant getting intense rope burn in the process.
Careful with your tenses - this should be 'since I'd been kidnapped' and 'and was being held'.

8.
“So, another question is: 'Where am I?' and please don't tell me this is your basement,” I inquired, [Inquired sounds odd, especially when there's no question mark. I thought it came across more as a kind of sarcastic statement while inquired suggests someone politely asking a question which doesn't fit the situation.] having a glare on my face; since I’ve now gotten used to this, I wasn't frightened anymore.
I don't buy that she's not frightened simply because she's had five minutes to get used to being tied by a chair. That's silly. She can have pushed her fear to the back of the mind and feel braver now she has someone to question but it's unrealistic for her to not be frightened at all.

9.
“This is the basement of the house I've rented; since it's midnight, I can't bring you to the 'drop-zone', so I had to bring you here, instead.” pPlacing a hand on her hip, her expression reverted by into a stoic one to a stoic impassiveness.


10.
Plus, since one of them is a vampire, and the other a succubus, and if the legends of both races are accurate, then they are not someone to be trifled with.
This is quite telling again and if you've established what their races are in a previous chapter, I'm not sure you need to explain it again here.

11. The time switch is a bit awkward - how does the character know what time it is? Also, sometimes your descriptions are a bit too third person, for example 'The bags on my eyelids were becoming more apparent' is awkward because a person can't see their own eyelids and people are focused on what they feel or how they perceive things. Instead you should describe the character feeling their eyes get heavier etc.

12. The scene with him peeing in the bottle is just plain weird. The reactions don't feel realistic - it's very anime - and it's an uncomfortable scene.

Overall

The entrance of the other characters at the end is fun and promises some good fighting scenes to come but I think you could get there faster. The interrogation section of this is pretty dull as Haru's questions are answered too fully and there's not a huge amount of emotion or suspense. I think you have some nice descriptions but the dialogue is dragged out a bit too much.

Hope this helps a little!

All the best,
Heather





The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris