16+ Language

My Life in a Bizarre Town: Chapter 7

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Stunned, Haru was shocked by what he had just heard, trying his best to comprehend the situation. “Are…are you asking me out?!” Haru confirmed, shuttering with his eyes-widened.

Elizabeth nodded; she flashed an affirmative smile and replying to the young man, “Yes, I am; I mean, we really haven't caught up much since you moved in and, besides the 'me drinking blood' incident and dealing with your second childhood friend, we really don't know much about what happened these past ten years.”

Haru agreed with her; they haven't really caught up at all. With everything that has happened, Haru barely had time to hang out with Elizabeth, let alone caught up as childhood friends.

10-years-ago...

He could remember the day they had first met; Haru was alone, he and his family had just moved into their new home at the age of 6. His father was relocated overseas by his employers, sending them to Archangel, North Carolina. Sitting in front of the pond in his backyard, Haru looked depressed, letting out a huge sigh as he threw a rock into the water, contemplating on the fact that he had no friends; however, that all changed when he met her. One day, Elizabeth wandered right into his backyard through the fence dividing their property. Age 6; she appeared before him with her sun hat and yellow sundress and, from that moment, they became friends.

“Hey, Haru, try to catch me!” Elizabeth shouted, cheerfully, running up the bank of a river in the shadiest part of the forest, about 3 miles north of town. Haru followed behind her, but he was completely winded, having run about five miles to get to where they are, now. How can anyone run that fast with stopping to take a breath?! Haru thought; he replied to Elizabeth, shouted, “Wait! Hold up for a minute, I can't...I can't run that fast!” gasping for breath at the end of the sentence.

Finally, they both stopped at the river delta where they were met with the most beautiful plants and trees to have ever grown. Like a baroque portrait made by an enthusiastic artist, the hill was covered with a myriad of colors of the most unique, and exotic, flowers to have ever grown on this specific spot.

Sitting on the lush grass, Haru and Elizabeth gazed upon the water that fell from the mouth and flowing through the banks, watching as it sparkled like the finest diamonds ever to have been mined.

“Isn't this place lovely?” Elizabeth applied while she smiled, warmingly. Elizabeth always wanted to come to this special place; a place that she was more than happy to bring her new found friend along. Turning her attention, she looked to see Haru observing the scenery as he felt the breeze of the wind against his hair and skin.

Haru snapped his head towards Elizabeth, responding with a small grin. “Yeah, this is a beautiful spot. These plants are weird; are they really grown here?” he inquired, puzzlingly; picking up one of the flowers, he was amazed by how incredibly different from any he had seen. It was aesthetic, yet bizarre, having a beautifully translucent appearance, possessing blue petals with teardrop-shaped red dots while the center had a magenta color scheme.

Elizabeth giggled and explained, “Of course, Haru, all of these plants are grown here; this is a spot where the moon shines over, instead of the sun, where the flowers absorb the luminescent energy from the moon, giving the flowers a form of beauty no one on Earth could comprehend.” Haru listened with wide eyes; he never thought that flower's could grow from the Moon's Light.

After thinking about it, a question popped in his mind. “Hey, Elizabeth, I been wondering about this spot. Just what do you call it?” Haru wondered. Elizabeth looked at him for a moment before looking at the flower-filled ground; blushing with her red eyes hidden. Stuttering shyly, Elizabeth said the following, “H-Hey Haru, is it okay if we make a promise? I'll tell you the name of this place...if you call me Liz from now on.” Haru, at first, was astonished by this request, but regained his composure, that the first friend he had ever made would ask him something. With a smile brighter than he thought he could produce, he said, enthusiastically, “Sure! We are friends; so, I wouldn't mind calling you that!”

Smiling to his answer, Elizabeth, or Liz, responded with a renewed composure, “Thanks, Haru...I really mean it. So then, I guess I should say my part of the promise; this place is called...”

10-years-later; present day...

Haru and Elizabeth were still sitting on the outside bench, both feeling equally embarrassed about the situation. Finally, one of them managed to speak out. “You know...you don't have to, if you don't want to,” she said, blushing as she looked away.

“Okay, let's do it; let's go on a date, tomorrow,” Haru stated, nonchalant. Elizabeth's heartfelt expression faded, becoming slightly annoyed by that response.

Looking at him, Elizabeth retorted, “Seriously? Is that supposed to be your way of accepting a woman's dating request? So rude?!” she crossed her arms and pouted at the end of the sentence.

Letting out a sigh, Haru gave up and said to Elizabeth, properly, “Fine; I will accept your offer and would love to go on a date with you.” with a hint of sarcasm in the sentence. “Excellent! Then you won’t mind meeting up at the shopping at 11:35AM, tomorrow night?” Liz remarked; Haru nodded in response.

Elizabeth giggled; her cheeks turned a little red as she looked at Haru’s brown eyes. She actually did it! The moment that Elizabeth had been waiting for is going to come true! While Elizabeth was preoccupied in her thoughts, Haru stood up, getting ready to walk back into his own house, hoping that Keiko had cooled down from earlier. “Well, it’s getting late; I better get ready for bed,” stated Haru, waving goodbye to Elizabeth. “Goodnight, Liz!” he said; looking back, he saw his childhood friend smiling and waving back at him.

The next day; Saturday; 11:34AM…

Haru groaned as he stood by the water fountain at the shopping center in downtown Archangel. He had a terrible time last night. Luckily, Keiko wasn’t as mad as she was before; unfortunately, she still punished Haru, placing his stomach on her lap and started striking his bottom with her riding crop, screaming at the top of her lungs, “This is what you get for making me wait!” he shivered at image; the memory will forever be singed into the fibers of his mind. With that in mind, of course Haru didn’t want to think of what Keiko would do to him if she ever found out about his “date” with Elizabeth. Right now, Keiko was oblivious about Elizabeth’s offer of having a date with Haru, and he’d rather prefer Keiko wouldn’t know about it, at all. He could only shutter at the unspeakable horror that the flirtatious she-demon would inflict on the boy. He could see it now, Keiko tying him in straps and chains, turning him into her BDSM doll, or throwing him into a dimension of tentacles—He saw enough hentai to know where that would lead to—or even worse; it could end up being a free-for-all brawl between two love-crazed demi-humans with Haru the center of attention, ravaging the entire town and turning the area into a barren wasteland; though, he might have been exaggerating the last part.

He checked his phone; it was already 11:37AM and Elizabeth was nowhere in sight. Haru was dressed in a red t-shirt with a black, sleeveless jacket over it, a pair of blue jeans, and sneakers. “Thanks for waiting on me,” recognizing Elizabeth’s voice, Haru turned around, wanting to see his friend, but his jaw, immediately, dropped to the ground once he saw her. She was dressed in a white top with a small, sleeveless red jacket over it, a plaid short skirt, scarlet stockings with light red platform strapped pumps, and a pink purse with a golden heart lock on the front. Lastly, in her right hand, was a pink parasol hovering over her head, meant to prevent the sunlight from touching her skin. God, he’s staring at me! Does he not like the clothes I’m wearing?! Maybe he finds it distasteful! Maybe, he’ll tell me he hates it! Oh, I should’ve worn something even more exquisite, yet provocative! She pondered, worryingly; she tilted her head in confusion; Elizabeth was surprised by Haru’s flabbergasted expression.

“Is…is something wrong?” she asked, nervously.

Snapping out of his daze, Haru grimaced and, quickly, apologized, “Oh! No, no, I’m sorry; it’s just that I’ve never seen you dress like that before! You just look so pretty in that outfit!” he raised his hands up, nonthreateningly, at the end of the sentence.

Hearing that, Elizabeth’s cheeks blushed as she fidgeted her hands a bit. “R-really! You think so; I…just didn’t know what to wear, so I just threw everything I had until I found this!” she confessed, having a nervous expression on her face.

They stood still, staring at each other for a couple of seconds; both of their cheeks flustered a bit. Breaking the ice, Haru spoke, firstly, “So, Liz, where should we star-?” before he could finish, Elizabeth grabbed Haru by the hand and dragged him to somewhere, smiling while ignoring the boy’s scream. But, for some reason, Haru couldn't help but feel a dark aura creeping up on him as he was being dragged by Elizabeth.

Somewhere in the Shopping center…

Standing behind one of the stores, Keiko observed Haru and Elizabeth from afar, taking in every detail there was. So that's where he went! I was suspicious when Haru left so early at 9:45Am and why he was dressed so nicely and now I know why! Haru, how dare you sneak behind my back and go on a date with another girl, even though you have me! She scowled, biting the bottom of her shirt up while her arms kept the rest down. Keiko was dressed in a white sleeveless flared shirt, blue daisy dukes and brown leather belt with a heart-shaped buckle, long white knee-socks, and a pair of gray low-top sneakers. She standing crouching behind a sign outside of a butcher shop near the water fountain, making sure she wasn't spotted by the couple as they left the water fountain. Seeing them leave while holding hands infuriated the young succubus; so, she continued following them, making sure she didn't lose the two from her sight.

Haru was dragged within a clothing store called “Chic de Mode”, in the western district of the mall, forced to stand outside of the changing room and wait for Elizabeth; however, he received scornful glares from the female patrons inside the shop; it was already bad enough Haru had to put up with Elizabeth dragging him inside, but he had to put up with mental attacks from the girl’s passing him by, clearly not wanting him around; however, that wasn’t the worst of it; already, Haru felt extremely embarrassed by the sight of, not just tops and pants, but also gowns, shoes, swimwear, and even lingerie. For God’s sake! This place for girls, not guys!

“Umm...Liz, are you sure you need me in here? I could just wait outside when you're done,” said Haru, his face flushed red, trying to divert his eyes by staring at the floor.

“No way, I want you to stay to see what you think about these clothes,” Elizabeth retorted, demandingly. The curtains of the changing room flew open, revealing the young vampire's current outfit: she was now wearing a white & blue striped top, a brown miniskirt with golden laces on the sides, a gray fedora, and a pair of knee-high periwinkle boots. “So, Haru, how do I look?!”

Astonished; Haru’s face blushed and tried avoiding eye-contact; he couldn’t help but be in awe of how beautiful Elizabeth looked; however, he managed to regain his posture and gave an honest answer, “I think you look amazing.” Elizabeth’s face lightened up in reaction; closing the curtains, she changed into a new outfit and with each dress, Haru had no negative opinion of it: the second outfit was a sapphire dress that stretched above her knees, high-heeled gladiator sandals, and golden bracelets on her wrists and a golden necklace around her neck. The next outfit consisted of a red & yellow-checkered bikini top, a pair of tight blue jeans, and blue sneakers. The last outfit was a long crimson dress that stretched down to her knees with a V-neck that revealed much of her cleavage, a pair of black stockings, and a pair of black high-heels. Each outfit made her look even more gorgeous, causing Haur’s face to become even redder than it is now; he needed some fresh air, so he ran outside for a breather. Once his heart stopped racing, Haru let out a huge sigh; he thought: God, I couldn’t take another minute in there; if I stayed a little longer, I might get a heart attack! Looking up, Haru noticed a familiar figure in the distance; to him, it almost looked like Keiko. Surprised; Haru dashed back into the store, running towards Elizabeth’s changing room in a panic and was about to open it, shouting, “Liz, I think we need to leave; Keiko might be following us and this is one misunderstanding…I don’t…want to…deal…with…” he opened the curtains and was talking to his immense surprise, the prson he was talking to was, not Elizabeth, but Alexandra with her top removed and her black, frilled bra revealed. Turning her attention, she cringed in shock from Haru before her who only responded with a nervous grin and a light chuckle. “So, seeing me naked once wasn’t enough for you; so, you wanted to see my body again, huh…” an aura of rage began festering from her body; cocking her right arm back, she thrusts it right against the boy’s face, transforming into a giant wolf’s paw and sending Haru flying straight out of the store. “…You pervert!” Haru was lucky to have survived that blow; unfortunately, he had landed right onto one of the kiosks, groaning in pain while his eyes spun around into swirls. Unbeknownst to him, Elizabeth had already left the changing rooms and was at the checkout counter; paying for the clothes she had shown Haru from before.

30-minutes-later; 12:45PM…

The two had finally finished shopping for clothes—well, Elizabeth’s clothes, to be precise—and continued walking through the mall, hoping to find another shop that my pique eithers’ interest. Now, Haru’s face was covered in bruises and scars from the incident he had with Alexandra. “So, Haru how’s your face?” Elizabeth asked with a concerned expression. “Do you think the swelling might go down?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it; I went through worse things than this,” he remarked, scratching the back of his head with his free hand while holding his bags in the other hand. Looking around, he had thought he saw Keiko from before; however, he shrugged and just assumed it was all in his imagination.

Elizabeth walked closer to Haru and nudged her shoulder at him, getting him attention and suggested, “Hey, why don’t we go to that café? Maybe, something on their menu might help you forget about what happened.” She smiled, brightly, at the end of the sentence.

Nodding his head, Haru agreed and the two headed to the café on the east side of the mall, which was, strangely, next to a vitamin shop and a cosplay store.

10-minutes-later…

Sitting down at a table outside of the “Gorgeous Café”, a favorite spot that Elizabeth liked to eat at when she came to the mall. Haru and Elizabeth held their menus up to their faces, reading and trying to decide what to order. “So, what do you think looks good, Haru: the chocolate-covered marble cake or the mixed berry parfait?” she asked, reading the menu out loud.

Looking back at the options, Haru scanned at the pictures, determining what to eat. After his ordeal with Alexandra, his incident in the clothing store and the damage to the kiosk made a lot of people angry as hell. I’m so banned from that place…Haru, sadly, thought as the manager Chic de Mode literally threw him out of her store. Right now, Haru’s clothes looked like a goddamn mess, but restof him looked perfectly fine, even Haru’s face had returned to normal with all the bruises having disappeared. “Hello there, I’ll be your waitress, today; may I take your order,” greeted a familiar voice that made Haru grimace; at first, he thought it was Keiko, but, after looking up, he saw that it wasn’t her, but a young woman with the same face, voice, and figure. She was dressed in lavender, sleeveless vest with a white, buttoned shirt under it and a lavender short skirt, a pair of long black stockings, and high-heeled shoes; the only difference was that she was wearing glasses and her hair was brown, not strawberry blonde. Feeling relieved, Haru was the first to answer, “Umm…yeah, I’ll have a machiatto and the chocolate marble cake.”

“I’ll just have the mixed fruit parfait, please!” Elizabeth ordered, flashing a friendly grin; after the waitress took up their menu’s she walked away, stating, “Your orders will be ready in fifteen minutes!” when she walked away, an image of Keiko appeared grinning wickedly behind her as the background became dark. Heh, I knew that that cosplay had the right costume I needed; with this brown wig and waitress costume, I was able to pass off as an actual employee; now, time to set my plan in motion! She cackled, mentally, as the image faded and the background returned to normal.

15-minutes-later…

Keiko returned with a tray of everything Haru and Elizabeth had ordered; placing their food and drinks in front of them, Keiko said to the two, “Enjoy!” and walked away, but hid in a far distance to watch her plan set in motion. After Haru would be stolen away from the black-haired vampire, Keiko’s thoughts on “improving” the mixed fruit parfait that Elizabeth ordered had the word “revenge” in mind. Unknown to the two individuals that totally bought her camouflage, Kieko had added something “Special” to the dessert. God, how lucky am I that there was, also, a vitamin shop built next to this café, with a 50% off purchase of laxatives on sale! Once that little vampire ‘princess’ is off running to the bathroom for the whole day, I’ll swoop in and take Haru for a nice…conversation back at the house. It’s pure genius! A lecherous grin appeared on the young succubus’s face as she watched; however, something went awry. Elizabeth took one bite of the parfait and was exuberant by the flavor from it; 15-seconds-later, nothing had happened.

Shocked; Keiko couldn’t believe that her plan could backfire like that. What the hell?! Nothing happened! I don’t understand; these are supposed to be the most brutal, fast-acting laxatives the vitamin store had to offer! It doesn’t work on vampires? Right before Haru could eat his marble cake, an idea popped into Elizabeth’s head as she held her spoon out in front of the boy, telling him to say “Ah!” as she placed it in his mouth. Keiko panicked; she was surprised that Haru might suffer what she wanted to happen to Elizabeth, yet she couldn’t help but feel jealous of Elizabeth, as Keiko wanted to feed treats to Haru, as well.

“So, what do you think; delicious, huh?” Elizabeth inquired, having a small grin on her face. Haru nodded in agreement; unbeknownst to the young man, a rumbling sound was emanating from his stomach. As his face turned green and was cringing in pain, Haru jumped up from his seat and ran straight to the bathroom, shouting, “Oh God! Where’s the bathroom?!” leaving a confused Elizabeth behind. What’s he up to? Elizabeth pondered. Meanwhile, Keiko shuddered as beads of sweat fell form her brow. Oh no! I didn’t want this to happen! Keiko panicked, mentally, feeling guilty at what she had done. Just then, a loud cough was heard; Keiko turned her attention and saw a middle-aged man wearing a black vest over a white-buttoned shirt, a pair of black jeans, and black dress shoes hovering over her with both of his arms crossed. “Excuse me, miss, but do you even work here?” the man interrogated Keiko who trailed off, uttering an “Uhmm…” pointing, she then shouted, “Hey, look over there!” and when the man turned his attention, Keiko bailed to the front entrance of the café, only to have the back of her collar pulled by the formal dressed man. “Haha, nice try, but your not going anywhere until you tell me who you are,” the man asked with silent fury. It’s official, Keiko’s busted. Looks like my time following Haru will be over for the day! Keiko, mentally, cried as her brown wig was slowly coming off her head.

30-minutes-later…

Haru and Elizabeth continued walking through the shopping center; staggering about, Haru could, barely, stand with his hand placed on his stomach. What Elizabeth could vaguely remember was when she waited for Haru outside of the men’s restroom; there were a lot of sounds from Haru’s painful wailing, and the seeping stench from whatever mess that came out of him. How could a good tasting parfait I ate get Haru into this sorry state? Elizabeth thought with one of her hands on the side of her face. As Elizabeth was taken away by her thoughts, Haru himself had thoughts of his own. First, I was beaten up by Alexandra at a girl’s clothing store, then I had the worse case of diarrhea of my life in the café’s bathroom, and, lastly, I got beaten up by Hikari’s fanboys; I thought they had gotten over that! Haru mentally screamed, as he can’t accept how these kinds of things keep happening to him. What the hell, does God hate me, or something?! Hopefully, nothing else will happen that’ll ruin this day! Unfortunately to Haru, the worse has yet to come.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Mon May 23, 2016 7:38 pm

Hello, thought I'd take a look at this since it's in the Green Room...

Specifics

1. Be careful of starting a chapter in the middle of a conversation. It starts your reader off slightly disorientated as we first have to catch up on the conversation and then work out what the setting is.

Stunned, Haru was shocked by what he had just heard, trying his best to comprehend the situation. “Are…are you asking me out?!” Haru confirmed, shuttering stuttering with his eyes-widened eyes widened.


2.
Haru agreed with her; they haven't hadn't really caught up at all. With everything that has had happened, Haru barely had time to hang out with Elizabeth, let alone caught catch up as childhood friends.


3. Don't introduce the flashback with 10 years ago, it feels really jarring and like the kind of thing you see in films or on TV rather than books. Try instead to connect the present with the past, like write a scene where Haru trips and Elizabeth helps him up, then have the scene in the past start with a similar event. Find a way to smoothly connect them.

4.
“Isn't this place lovely?” Elizabeth applied while she smiled, warmingly.
This sentence is awkward. Applied is the wrong word and warmingly should be warmly. Try having asked or said instead of applied.

5.
Haru snapped his head towards Elizabeth, responding with a small grin. “Yeah, this is a beautiful spot. These plants are weird; are they really grown here?” he inquired, puzzlingly; picking up one of the flowers, he was amazed by how incredibly different it was from any he had seen.


6.
After thinking about it, a question popped in his mind. “Hey, Elizabeth, I been wondering about this spot. Just what do you call it?” Haru wondered.
Try to avoid having both wondering and wondered in the same couple of lines.

7. The narration of this is a little awkward because you're both in Haru's head and Elizabeth's. It would work better if you chose one and only gave us their thoughts but gave us more of them so that we feel closer to knowing who they are.

8.
He could only shutter shudder at the unspeakable horror that the flirtatious she-demon would inflict on the boy.


9.
For God’s sake! This place was for girls, not guys!


10. I don't understand why Haru would open the curtain to a dressing room even if he thought it was Elizabeth. That seems hugely unlikely!

Overall

I think you need to work a little more on making the scenes more realistic. I don't understand why they go clothes shopping for a date and all the time skips make the chapter feel a bit jarring so try to pass time a little more smoothly with prose instead of tags like '30 minutes later'.

The characters are also a little cartoonish at the moment and I find it hard to believe their emotions. They're a little bit too cliche or anime style where the characters are obviously in love but too nervous about what the other might say or think.

The plot seems fun and the hints of the superatural are interesting but I think this is probably a little bit too heavy on the romance side for me.

All the best,
Heather

it makes more sense if you read the other chapters.

User avatar
Holysocks
Review

Hey there! How'd you like a review? I haven't read previous chapters, so please bare with me.

I thought this was pretty interesting! Obviously you've got some fantasy stuff going on in here. I loved the part about the moon growing the flowers, I thought that was pretty sweet somehow, and just had this dark sort of childish, fun, romantic- I'm not sure, I just liked it.

“Yes, I am; I mean, we really haven't caught up much since you moved in and, besides the 'me drinking blood'


I found this quite odd, naturally. They live together but they haven't caught up? And they're going to go out on a date after being apart for a long time? Maybe you mean that she's moved into the same town as him? You might want to clear this up a little better in the piece, unless it's obvious in previous chapters.

Haru agreed with her; they haven't really caught up at all. With everything that has happened , Haru barely had time to hang out with Elizabeth, let alone caught up as childhood friends.


You kinda used both past and present tense from time to time in this, and this was a good example. Red = past tense, and bold = present tense. I've been having a lot of trouble with keeping my tenses in order as well, and it's hell. I hope that helped a bit.

having run about five miles to get to where they are, now.


Five miles? And they're only six? I find this rather hard to believe unless they have abilities from being "supernatural". Like, I know Liz is a vampire, but is the guy anything special? It's just five miles is a long distance.

Haru thought; he replied to Elizabeth, shouted,


This doesn't flow very well. Linking the thought with him replying to Liz just makes it really hard to comprehend. You use semicolons a lot, actually, and don't get me wrong; I love semicolons. ;) But don't be afraid to end your sentences sometimes, or use more commas. I don't know, I view semicolons as like a special treat, and too much of them just doesn't feel right. It's also just nice to switch things up a bit. Do what you wish of course, but that's just my thoughts.

they were met with the most beautiful plants and trees to have ever grown. Like a baroque portrait made by an enthusiastic artist, the hill was covered with a myriad of colors of the most unique, and exotic, flowers to have ever grown on this specific spot.


I feel like this isn't enough. We're being told that there's these beautiful exotic life that was grown from the moon but we're not really able to see it. Your descriptions don't really give me an image. Maybe give us more than just the short thing about the artist? I'm not sure how to describe it better.

in a red t-shirt with a black, sleeveless jacket over it,


What's a sleeveless jacket? Is that like a vest? No criticism here, just curious!

Over all I think you've got a lovely chapter here! I'm interested to know if Haru is something supernatural as well- I guess he probably is, but something tells me he's something a little less well known, and I absolutely love that thought. Keep it up! ^_^

-Socks

he is, but he doesn't know what he is (Spoiler: Japanese Demigod)



Y'know, sometimes a family is a mutant superhuman clown with cartoony powers, a hyperactive shapeshifter created in a lab, the ghost of an artificially created being who only exists for exposition, a cat who is an eldritch god for some reason, and an emo guy who doesn't canonically exist
— GengarIsBestBoy