z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

My Life in a Bizarre Town: Chapter 1

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

As I walked in, I saw someone standing near the pond. It was a beautiful woman, about my age, dressed in a blue dress with a straw hat over her head. She looked like an angel, but a sad expression hung on her face.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I questioned. I watched as she turned toward me, and my jaw immediately dropped to the ground. "Elizabeth?!"

When she started crying, I knew it had to be her.

"Haru!" She dashed forward and wrapped her arms around me, embracing me with tender affection. Then, as if suddenly waking up, she removed her arms and moved away from me with both cheeks flushed red. "Oh my god, it's so good to see you!"

"Yeah, you too. Wow, you really look amazing," I commented sheepishly.

She made a brilliant smile in response. Elizabeth had blossomed into a beautiful woman while I remained an average person.

"Wait a minute," I questioned. "Didn't you say your parents rarely let you out of the house? So, why are you out here? Won't they be mad?" I wasn't trying to sound rude or anything; I was just concerned.

"No, not really. I was able to convince my parents to let me leave the house and walk around the town, on the condition that I return home before nightfall," she explained. From the tone of her voice, she sounded a bit disappointed. But wouldn't every teenager be, if they were given a curfew? "So, why did you return to Archangel?"

"Oh, I'm attending Archangel high school. I convinced my parents to let me move back to this old house. I'm surprised nobody bought it."

"Yeah, what a surprise…!" Elizabeth said nervously. She was acting strange, avoiding eye contact while making a suspicious grin. A large droplet of sweat even formed on her temple. Suddenly, she looked at me and gasped, "Wait, you're attending Archangel High?!"

Arching an eyebrow, I answered, "Yeah?"

"I'm attending Archangel High, too!"

"Really?"

"Yes, really!"

Her smile grew wider in excitement. Yet before we could continue our conversation, we heard the moving truck finally appearing in front of the house. It parked in the driveway, and the movers started unloading all of my furniture.

"Well, I gotta go! I need to tell them what goes where, and all that," I pointed out. I began walking back to the house, waving back at Elizabeth before heading in.

3-hours-later…

What used to be my parents' bedroom was now my new bedroom. I lied down on my queen-sized bed and stared up at the ceiling with my sweat pants and red shirt on. Hands behind my head, I pondered: God, I can't wait for the beginning of the school year, because now, Elizabeth is attending as well! I hope we're taking the same classes!

After I was done contemplating, I turned off the light from the lamp on the nightstand beside me and went to sleep, waiting for tomorrow to come.

The next day, I woke up at 6:15 AM and got into my morning routine. Getting out of my bed, I walked into the bathroom just three feet away. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and got dressed into a white shirt and a pair of blue pajama pants. Then I ran down the stairs and into the kitchen to make breakfast. I didn't have any ingredients to make something "Extravagant", so I thought to just make something plain and simple: eggs and bacon.

After breakfast, I turned my attention to the digital clock on the stove.

7:00AM! I, mentally, shouted. Crap! I'm going to be late!

I ran out the front door with my blue jeans on now and my backpack hanging behind. Quickly and carefully, I made sure to close and lock the front door behind me. Then I ran with lightning speed, running through three blocks of the sidewalk in a minute!

I wasn't the only one too. Dashing beside me was a young girl with long blonde hair stretching down to her waist. She had blue eyes and copper-tanned skin. The girl wore a white-buttoned shirt underneath a light-tanned, long-sleeved sweater vest, with a dangerously short blue skirt, a pair of white loose socks, and a pair of black platform shoes to match.

From the looks of it, she reminded me of the Kogal, or the Ganguro style of fashion in Japan.

"Hey, out of my way?!" she cried, pushing me aside to get in front of me.

For a cute girl, she was really rude. However, I brushed it off and continued sprinting straight to school.

It was just like your typical high school. There were five buildings, each with a specific role for the school. The northern building with a rectangular shape was the "freshman hall". The central building was larger in comparison, with red bricks on the bottom and tanned bricks on top. It was known as the "Advancement hall". Most of the school's advanced classes were located on its second floor. Although there was a single building dedicated to freshmen, this hall was dedicated to sophomore, junior, and senior students.

The western building was the library, and the southern building was the gymnasium. Lastly, the eastern building was the cafeteria, which was incredibly large and had enough tables to seat the entire student body. Or, so I've heard.

7:45 AM, Archangel High…

Finally, I made it on time to my classroom and with enough time to relax and wait for class to start.

I chose to sit in the third seat of the first row. The reason why I chose this spot was because it was more audible than the other seats. I placed my backpack on my left and sat patiently for school to start.

16 minutes later, my classmates began waltzing into homeroom. As they walked in, I noticed that some of them were…a little strange.

One of the girls had really long hair, enough to cover her face. Another, a boy, had a strange cloth wrapped around his forehead. Yet another was wearing earmuffs, even though it wasn't winter.

Suddenly, someone else caught my eye. They approached and sat in the chair to my left. She sat cross-legged with the kind of expression that read 'I really wish this day could just end, already.' It was the same girl from earlier who ran passed me!

Without realizing it, the girl noticed my stare.

"What are you looking at?!" she shouted. She made a grimace that terrified me.

"N-Nothing!" I timidly replied. I turned away immediately, with beads of sweat falling down my forehead.

"Good morning, class! I hope you're having a nice day!"

I turned my attention and saw a beautiful woman walk into homeroom. She appeared to be in her mid-20s. She had short black hair that reached to her neck, beautiful white skin, brown eyes, well-formed mounds, and long legs. She wore a white-buttoned shirt with the top part unbuttoned, revealing her cleavage. A black skirt with light-dark pantyhose covered her legs, and a pair of black high heels with ankle straps on her feet. The Most eye-catching of them all, however, was the beauty mark on her lower right cheek, and the pink luscious lips to match.

"My name is Miss Celia Hatsugawa, and I will be your homeroom teacher this year!" she announced with a smile. Just hearing her silky voice could send any man's heart in an ecstatic motion. I could feel my heart beating faster as well. "Now, before I hand out your class schedules, let me first take up roll call."

One by one, she started calling out names.

"Cindy Whitewillow?!"

"Here!"

"Marco Costello?!"

"Here!"

"Candy Song?!"

"Present!"

"Alexandra Draven?!"

"I'm here!" That one came from the girl sitting next to me.

After moving through nearly everyone, she looked down on her clipboard for the last person she didn't check.

"Hmm, we're missing one person. Miss Youngblood, are you here?!"

I couldn't hold in my surprise. Elizabeth was attending the same homeroom as me, and it made me feel…happy.

Everyone looked around with confused expressions, but there was no sign of Elizabeth anywhere. Right before Ms. Hatsugawa crossed her off as 'absent', the door swung wide open.

"Sorry I'm late! I was having difficulty finding the classroom!"

Walking into the classroom was Elizabeth herself, looking as radiant as ever. She was dressed in formal attire, consisting of a light blue top with a crimson jacket and a plaid skirt, white knee socks, and a pair of sneakers. In her hand, she held a dark-blue umbrella.

"Well, I'll let it slide. But next time, please be on time before class," Miss Hatsugawa lectured, waving her finger with a stern expression.

Elizabeth nodded head, replying, "Understood, I'll keep that in mind."

Then she walked over to find an open seat. She didn't go down the third row of desks, almost as if she was avoiding the windows. Instead, she headed straight for the back of the class. All the seats were occupied, but she approached the closest one with a smile on her face.

"Excuse me," she asked politely. "Would you be so kind to move out of that chair, so I could sit in it, please?"

The person sitting in the seat looked like someone you wouldn't want to mess with. Fortunately, when he turned around to tell her off, his mouth hung open as her angelic beauty bewitched him. Or at least, I think so.

After that, he stood up and gave her his seat, exclaiming, "H-Here you go!" like a nervous kindergartener. He scurried to another empty seat on the far left side of the room, while Elizabeth took his.

I thought Elizabeth was going to sit beside me, but I guess I was wrong.

Soon, the teacher began passing out our schedules. One by one, each student took their sheet and passed the rest down the row.

"Alright, class. Let's discuss what we will do for the next three weeks," Ms. Hatsugawa started to explain. "We will be attending homeroom on Mondays for three weeks, at 8:00 to 8:40 AM. After the three weeks are up, you will be attending your classes normally, until you are messaged to return to your homeroom classes to receive your report cards.

"Now, before the bell rings, you are all free to talk amongst yourselves, but talk softly so we won't disturb the class next door."

20 minutes later, homeroom class ended and everyone started heading out the door to their first period classes. However, before I could head out, Elizabeth approached me. She stood in front of me while I placed my schedule sheet into my backpack.

"H-hey Haru, wanna walk together?"

"Sure." I didn't even hesitate to answer.

We walked down the hall, talking to each other and catching up on what we had missed while apart. 10 minutes later, Elizabeth and I made it to our first period class, "History".

How lucky was I to have my old friend attending the same two classes as me?

3 hours later, 11:05AM…

Lunchtime had arrived and everyone in third period English was leaving the room and heading to the cafeteria. I packed up and was preparing to leave too. But before I left, I turned my attention and saw Elizabeth still sitting at her desk, with a smile on her face and both hands on the desk's top.

It was like she was waiting for something.

"Aren't you coming, Liz?" I inquired, standing near the door with my backpack in hand.

With a nervous expression, Elizabeth answered, "That's okay, you go ahead. I'll be with you in a moment." A purple mark seemed to appear over her eyes as she spoke.

I shrugged my shoulders and walked out of the classroom, heading for the cafeteria. Unfortunately, I realized that I had left one of my textbooks behind. So I sprinted back to class to retrieve it.

When I opened the door, I was petrified with fear from what I discovered.

I saw Elizabeth, lips dripping with blood, as she ravenously drank down a fusion pack of blood. There were fangs protruding from her mouth where her canine teeth should be.

"Elizabeth?!" I exclaimed, horrified from the scene in front of me.

Caught by surprise, Elizabeth turned her attention to me with astonishment on her face

"H-Haru! I-I can explain!"

I was speechless. I couldn't believe what I was seeing…Elizabeth, drinking human blood, in front of my eyes.

"Look." She quickly stood up from her desk, pleading for me to listen. "I know this seems bad, but I'm telling you it's not what it looks like." She began walking towards me.

I wanted to run, but I couldn't bring myself to. I was too scared to move, it's true. But more than that, she was my friend, and I wanted hear her out.

"W-what are you?!" I shouted, trembling in fear.

She took a deep breath, and confessed her secret to me.

"Haru…I…am a vampire!"

From that moment, my life changed forever.


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43 Reviews


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Sun Nov 29, 2015 11:24 pm
backroadstraveler wrote a review...



Hey kman, backroads here. Happy Review Day!

First off, I love how you slip in the twist at the end! I was not expect that what-so-ever, and hadn't even thought about why she was carrying an umbrella or wanted to sit in the back. Well done!

Onto the actual review:

“Wait a minute, didn’t you say your parents, rarely, let you out of the house; so, why are you out here? Won’t they be mad?” I wasn’t trying to sound rude, or anything, I was just showing some concern.
It was years ago when Elizabeth made this comment, and I could have just missed it, but it didn't appear that these people were penpals or anything. Why would he assume that this rule would stick, especially considering the fact he's not really surprised to hear that she'll be attending the same high school. I would take it out, or change the exhange to something a little different.

It was just like your typical high school, having five sections...
I would not call the school 'typical.' I get that this creates contrast between 'normal' and 'paranormal,' but it feels out of place. FOr one thing, Haru is from Japan, so the schools are going to be different in structure and layout. For another, each school does things a little differently, even in North Carolina.

when he turned around to tell her off, I think, he all expression with his mouth hanging open, becoming bewitched
. This doesn't read right; I'm not quite sure what you meant.

I turned my attention and saw Elizabeth, sitting at her desk with a smile on her face and both hands on the desk top; it was like she was waiting for something.

“Aren’t you coming, Liz?” I inquired, standing near the door with my backpack in hand.

Having a nervous expression, Elizabeth turned her gaze at me and answered, “That’s okay; you go on ahead and I’ll be with you in a short moment.” A purple mark appeared over her eyes as she spoke
This doesn't flow very well. I don't quite get what you mean when you comment on her smile, and then the transition between 'smile' and 'nervous' is lacking.

so I sprinted back to class; when I opened the door, I was petrified with fear from what I had just discovered
Also just an awkward sentence, I would recommend splitting it into two different ones.

Lastly, I'm not a fan of the whole '15 minutes later' '3 hours later thing.' This it totally personal preference, but to me it just interupts the flow and makes it sound cheesy. (Honestly, whenever I see these types of phrases I just hear the 'SpongeBob voice' in my head, and, given that 'm not a SPongeBob fan, it drives me crazy)

Hope some of this was helpful!
-backroadstraveler




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Mon Nov 09, 2015 2:47 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



This is a very good start to a novel. I enjoyed how it started out as a simple run of the mill, slice of life story, until the very end. That twist was excellently applied, setting the tone for the rest of the story very nicely. Very well done! Your characters are interesting and the plot has a ton of potential. I also admire your sense of physical description that you detail for your characters, it's very thorough, and shows me that you have these characters well envisioned.

Things I noticed (having missed the prologue by mistake, so bear with me if some story elements were already cleared up)

Walking in, I though I saw something standing near the pond; it was a woman, a beautiful woman about my age dressed in blue dress with a straw hat over her head; she looked like an angel, angel with a sad expression on her face.


Careful with that typo in the very first sentence. That sort of thing seems to happen even if you read over it so many times, heheheh. You also need an "An" in front of "An angel with a sad expression on her face."

“Hey, what are you doing here?!” I questioned, wanting to know the reason for her presence


Right, so don't assume your readers are dumb :p The second part of this isn't needed, we can tell he wants to know the reason for her presence.


“Yeah, you too; wow, you really look amazing,” I commented on her appearance

Again, here, we know he's commenting on her appearance.


“I my god, it’s so good to see you!”


Read that sentence again :p


I wasn’t trying to say rude, or anything, I was just showing some concern.


That one too :p

3-hours-later…


For stylistic reasons, I'd remove the hyphens and italicize this.

Taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and getting dress, I ran down the stairs and into the kitchen to make my breakfast, wearing a white shirt and a pair of blue pajama pants.


This is worded strangely. I get what you mean, but you make it sound like he's doing all those things at once while going downstairs. It comes off as a bit silly.

Surprised; Elizabeth turned her attention to me and was astonished to see me staring at her. “H-Haru! I-I can explain!” I was speechless; I couldn’t believe what I was seeing…Elizabeth, drinking human blood, in front of my eyes.


Heheh, drinking blood, right in the middle of the school day. That's funny.

I wanted to run, but I was unable to because she was my friend and my body wanted me to hear her out, and, also, because I’m too scared to move.


His body wanted to hear him out, or he wanted to? Also, you changed tenses at the end -- this obviously is past tense, so it wouldn't make sense for him to say that he's scared to move right now.

One thing I'd like you to do is just to expand on the main character. Right now he's pretty flat, and we don't know anything about him except he's apparently new in high school and is a bit girl crazy. There are a lot of directions and traits you can give him, even stuff like favorite music, favorite food, kind of people he likes and doesn't like, stuff like that. I mean, it's chapter one, so you'll have plenty of opportunities, but still. It would also help to read over your work a bit more carefully, as there were a good chunk of typos. Good work on this, I enjoyed reading it ^^





"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore