Young Writers Society

Heya pretzelsing is back here for the review, I read your work and I will really try not to repeat what others had said.
I usually skip intros and just don't do them in my reviews so here we go.I will do both nitpicks and general probably:

Right. And people keep their new year’s resolutions.

New Years should be capitalized because it is the name of a holiday.

I’ve had to move my pajamas to another drawer there are so many tucked in every corner.

I have had to... just doesn't flow well to my ears. What if you just said: "I had to..." Also here is a run on sentence. This is how I would fix it:
"I had to move to my pajamas to another drawer because so many pictures were tucked in every corner. " This make more sense to me.

No storage space is sacred;

What were you trying to explain by this? I am confused and I don't really understand. Even after reading the text that your drawing supplies are everyone I still don't understand what this is.

I had to reread this over a couple of times

because I was such a creative person I had to get that creativity out in a nice, stable, nine to five job that had benefits available.

I didn't understand that this was referring to the time, and I would make that more clear by saying: 9 A.M.-5 P.M.

Living with her for a year and a half while I tried to get a job and art was thoroughly buried.

This sentence should be rephrased because again I didn't understand her at first. What if you rewrote it to something like:
"I lived with her for a year and a half, trying to get a job, and so art was thoroughly buried."

I loved how you described the colors on the wall, and how she painted them. What I kind of thought that you could describe is how she is paiting. Dancing?Gliding?Brushing ferociously? Swiping? Also I was very curious to this but, what design was she doing? Swirls?Lines?Dots? I want to have a mental image of her masterpiece which right now I am not having. Paint a picture for us of how is looked like after. You have a lot of space to practice your description. Practice makes perfect

Overall I have to say that this piece felt personal for you and lovely. I really enjoyed reading this and felt along with the main character. I hope that this review helps and as always I truly encourage to keep on writing!Beautiful job Rosen!

Hey darling!

the half decent sketches,

hmmm, I'd rather this be 'half finished' instead, because then it'll be clear that the narrator actually never finishes them.

No storage space is sacred;

While this might be the right word to be used technically, it doesn't quite fit in for me. What about something like 'no storage space is safe'? Sacred makes me think of something religious instead of a space that is free of art.

I mostly tip over in bed

only mostly?

The next day I cannot even look at it. I want to, but without her physically waiting in the kitchen, I have no motivation to finish it. No reason to stay locked in my room and work on art as some semblance of productivity. I would rather not remember why I needed to escape into that world. Not anymore.

I don't like this paragraph. You had a really good flow going, and then this paragraph becomes... not so flowy. Like Kyll said, you stop using contractions, which makes it feel stiff, and you're not clear. No motivation to finish what? Can't look at what? Delete the 'not anymore', too. You don't need it, it's repetitive.

I know it is odd I drink tea instead of coffee.

Not really. A lot of people do that.

With every pot my mother poured she asked me if I wanted any,

This isn't correctly formatted. "Every time my mother poured a pot, she always asked if I wanted any" or something like that.

She did not listen and told me I was better suited to art. I feel I am better suited here.

Here we are again, with the no-contractions. Whenever you slip into that, you get really stiff and the flow you've been developing goes out the window.

One with a safe paycheque and reliable hours and not an ounce of creativity in the way she thought of it.

Sometimes you word things very oddly.

The career I could start and survive on with an entry-level salary. I like to think she hadn’t guessed even after I moved out, six months after getting it, but I had always been terrible at lying.

Guessed what?

I always was too wrapped up in my escapism; I forgot where I was and what I needed to do. That would not do at work.

Weird wording again.

because I was such a creative person, I had to get that creativity out in a nice, stable, nine to five job that had benefits available.

There, there needs to be a comma. Or a complete reword. I suggest complete reword.

To this day, I’m sure she believes I picked computer science to smite her.

Smiting is what God does to people who are bad. "Spite" is what you're looking for.

‘She’s abusive pond scum. That’s an insult to pond scum.’

There's something missing from here. Maybe an "And" before that's or a "never mind".

I hope I have enough paint. The hardware store is only a short drive away, regardless.

Pointless sentence.

I'd like to see you expand a bit more. All we feel for this mother is absolute hatred. To make this really hit us home, I need you to give us more. Did the mother ever show any kindness to the narrator, making the narrator feel that the mother had changed, or that the mother wasn't all bad? It you gave us that side too, I feel as if this story would reach something that it's just not yet.
Final point, your description. There isn't any. Literally. You have so many chances to describe the walls, the drawings, the taste of the tea... So many chances. This is the kind of story that needs description, since the entire story is about art, which is very visual. I couldn't see any scene in this entire story. We need to know what the drawings were like. Angry, and dark? Hopeful and Colorful? Fantasy or Realistic? Once you figure that out, this story will be wonderful.

That being said, it is already wonderful. I almost cried when I read it. The raw emotions in it are absolutely wonderful and I want to read this over and over again.

-Sparkles

I see you used my title suggestion~

I stuff art in my underwear

First reaction: That is a very strange place to stuff artwork...

And then I saw the "drawer" right after it, and everything made sense.

And people keep their new year’s resolutions.

Pretty sure "New Year's" should be capitalized since it's a holiday.

I get up to a bedside clock flashing 2:51 am and stick another sketch in the drawer. I’ve had to move my pajamas to another drawer there are so many tucked in every corner.

A few things bothered me about these sentences:

I'm really not a fan of using "get" in this context; it's way too vague. Is the narrator waking up or looking over at the clock or standing up? A more specific verb is needed here.

Since this is an actual piece of fiction and not just a casual post, the time abbreviation should be written as A.M.

The second sentence is unfocused and a run-on. "So many" what? From the way the sentence is structured, it seems to be referring to pajamas instead of the drawings. Splitting this into two sentences and specifying "so many sketches" would make reading this much smoother.

Sentimental, probably.

Should be "sentiment" or "sentimentality".

Hoard remnants of the one hobby I’d actually had the patience to keep up for most of my life. Or I just wanted to keep it away from her. Either way, my apartment feels more like a museum than a home. The dingy beige walls add to the atmosphere. A neutral background against a life that’s supposed to be colourful.

Your coherency beings falling apart right around here with the sentence fragment. "Hoard" really doesn't make sense in this context, and there's no clear relation to how hoarding ties in with the sentimentality. The last sentence is another fragment that shouldn't be a fragment, and changing the period after "atmosphere" to a color or m-dash makes for an easy fix.

I get back into bed and draw my knees up to my chest, arms around them.

Arms around your chest or arms around your knees? It reads like the former when I'm pretty sure you intended the latter. I'd suggest being bit more specific with your description. Something like "looping my arms around my knees" or "threading my arms through my legs".

A lot of your descriptions so far are on the vague side, which doesn't really reinforce the visual nature of the artwork that's so central to this story.

I mostly tip over in bed and pull the blankets over my balled up shape.

How do you mostly tip over in a bed? Also, I'm not a fan of the use of "mostly" here because you used it in just the previous sentence. The repetition feels too close and redundant.

The next day I cannot even look at it.
[...]
That does not mean I don’t miss it.

These sentences feel very stilted because of the lack of a contraction, and it's also jarring especially since you use contractions for the most part. Right now, I'm not really seeing any consistency in the use of contractions, which is something that is needed since it throws off the flow of the narrative.

I want to, but without her physically waiting in the kitchen, I have no motivation to finish it. No reason to stay locked in my room and work on art as some semblance of productivity. I would rather not remember why I needed to escape into that world. Not anymore.

"It" should be specified as the sketch, otherwise it's unclear what "it" is, or else dropped entirely. I'd recommend dropping "it" since that will help this sentence more smoothly transition into the next fragment.

I'd recommend dropping the "not anymore" bit since it's confusing (not anymore what?) and doesn't really add anything at this point. I'd be more descriptive as to how remembering would affect the narrator if you really want to hint at flashbacking. Something like "I can't afford to spiral through those memories right now."

She watched me put it where it belongs. I open my eyes.

I recommend splitting this into two paragraphs because of the tense shift. It's too jarring otherwise, and it feels like a mistake rather than a deliberate choice.

I tried to explain to her there was different creativity that I enjoyed; working with numbers was relaxing and enjoyable.

I think you're missing some words in there before "creativity", such as "form of" or "type of". Also, you have two forms of "enjoy" pretty close together which feels redundant. I'd recommend cutting the second one since it's already mentioned that they enjoy the following form of creativity.

On my lunch I’m debating if a bowl of pasta would make an appropriate sketch subject.

I had to reread this sentence a few times before it made sense. I'd recommend changing "on" to "during" to make it clearer that the narrator is contemplating sketching while they're eating lunch. You're also missing a comma after "lunch". I'd also nix the "sketch" because "subject" is already clearly referring to a sketched objects from the context, and it's a bit redundant.

I make a mental note for the hundredth time to bring one of the blank sketchbooks I’ve hoarded into work for breaks. Only to remember the number of times she’d caught me drawing instead of doing my homework, and I worry my boss will think the same.

Should be "in to". Also, this should be one sentence, otherwise the second is a very awkward fragment.

Even though all my coworkers brought their own hobbies.

I know what this sentence is trying to do, but it just feels so weak. I think a better option would be to go a more indirect route of showing the narrator noticing her coworkers exercising their hobbies. It would feel a lot less forced if her realization was shown.

I’d bought it in college for travel purposes. But I never traveled with her, so I never needed it.

Merge the fragment.

I do not use it for the rest of the week and begin avoiding looking in my workbag. I should not be drawing when other things are more pressing.

I these would be stronger in their own paragraph. It's also another case of "what is 'it'?" Watch your pronouns.

The closer I got to college the more she wanted me to work on my GPA and get a high enough score to enter a good college.
[...]
She was absolutely insistent my degree was creative, because I was such a creative person I had to get that creativity out in a nice, stable, nine to five job that had benefits available.

Missing commas after "college" and "person". I also think this is a comma splice after "creative". I'd recommend deleting the "because" and tossing in a semicolon.

To this day, I’m sure she believes I picked computer science to smite her.

"Spite", unless the narrator did it to hit her mother.

Living with her for a year and a half while I tried to get a job and art was thoroughly buried.

This sentence doesn't make sense. I'd recommend adding a comma after "job" and a "by then" after the "and".

I heard her lament at the lack of art I was producing, and how I squandered my old sketchbooks by letting them collect dust every time I saw them in my closet.

I'd recommend moving the narrator seeing the sketchbooks to the beginning of the sentence. It flows more easily ideas-wise, because right now, we're jumping around a lot without much connection between the mother's complaints to the current location of the sketchbooks. Location of sketchbooks > hearing mom's voice > squandering flows a bit more logically.

That’s an insult to pond scum.

I think this would have more impact if it were on its own line, or with maybe a note of there being a slight pause between messages.

I kept them there to tell myself I could use them on the hundreds of unfinished pieces hiding in my room.

Tense shift. "Kept" should be "keep".

Three hours, a dozen small cans plus a few large ones, and multiple hundreds of dollars later, my trunk is full of everything I could possibly use to repaint a few hundred square feet.

Instead of "multiple hundreds of", "several hundred" makes much more sense and is a lot less awkward. Also, that must be some premium pate because painting supplies are generally not that expensive, and the smaller cans are usually samplers which are much cheaper than full-sized cans, which generally aren't super expensive as well, unless you're going for premium specialty paints or artist's paints. Hardware stores don't generally have artist's paints though, so.

By ten am I had a half forgotten bowl of oatmeal on the counter that I’d get to when I needed to wait for the primer to dry.

Up until this point, you've been using numbers for time. What happened here?

The windows wide open to cut the paint fumes.

Fraaaaaagmeeeeeent.

You also switch between present and past tense in this paragraph. It's a bit jarring, especially considering the rest of the story has the present in the present tense.

By the time I am relying completely on artificial light, most of my cans of paint are empty and my living room is a symphony of colours.

The beginning of this sentence is so awkward, and part of it has to do with the lack of a contraction (which feels stilted) as well as the structure just being weird. I'd recommend changing it to something like "by nightfall" or even "by the time the daylight has faded".

If I change my mind, it is just paint.

Again with the stilted lack of contraction.

‘Me. It’s for me.’

Give this it's own paragraph for maximum impact. Let this final note sing strong.

Overall, I'm wondering why you both italicized and put 'little quotation marks' around the texts. Just italicizing would be enough to make it clear that those are texts, and having both is a bit overkill.

There were a lot of sentence fragments that weren't strong enough to stand alone. I pointed out most of them, but I can't shake the feeling I've missed some. I'm sure you can find them.

There were also a lot of inconsistencies in the use of contractions. Pick whether you're going to or not going to use them, but stick with it, otherwise it feels awkward and stilted.

Otherwise, you have a solid story here. I just wish there were a bit more description about the room's final result. You hinted that it would be spectacular, but there's not enough imagery here to envision the masterpiece in all its glorious color. Considering how important the painting is to the narrator, I think it would be nice to see that detail expanded upon a bit more, even if it's just impressions of how they feel about it.

And now I'll probably stay up just to review four more things because I had to take all day to write this review. >.>