Author's note: So this chapter still reads awkwardly, but I knew I needed to post something - so here ya go. And I introduced two new characters, and I am curious about their names? Since I had to match their first and second letters in a pattern, I was left with few choices. Let me know what you think. ^^
The hall is like a coliseum, the ceiling towering above and the room stretching onwards in a seemingly never-ending row of tables. Some at the far end are worn down and decrepit, and no one’s sitting at them. Closer to our group are the tables being used, people from close to my age to old timers swarming over them like bees. Strange that I cannot smell any delicious odors, even though there’s so much food being whisked around and eaten by everyone.
Unlike us, they are allowed to talk. While our little group shuffles around, a few hesitant voices whispering to each other before silenced by Karsh, the room explodes with a constant cacophony of racket. It’s impossible to understand or pick out a single voice.
“This is where you’ll be eating your meals.” Karsh yells to be heard above the din, but doesn’t seem to be trying very hard. He paces down our wobbly line as he shouts, rearranging a few to create a neater formation.
Avery mutters something about Captain Obvious, but I don’t answer.
“You will keep together as an Affinity and as a group no matter where you are.” He points to a single long table, the closest in the room. A chattering group of young adults sit beside it, but the one he gestures to is empty. “That is where you shall eat—from now until you are finished here at ARC. Every day, you will sit at your designated spot.”
“Any questions?” He stops pacing down the line, standing at the middle of our formation.
Almost every hand in our group reaches for the ceiling (mine included), like we’re kindergarteners in the classroom. Karsh lowers them with a dismissive wave of his hand. An uproar follows, confusion echoed in every voice—and irritation. Although with Karsh here, that is muffled to a whisper.
“Just checking.” An odd smile creases his face, one that says he knows something we don’t. “Questions will keep you moving forward. As for now, no more. It’s been a while since you’ve eaten. Go now. Find your place.”
I look at the tables, but hesitate before obeying Karsh. Everyone behind me does the same, looking at the tables with a layer of skepticism. Karsh continues to stand before us, waiting another moment in silence. Avery rolls her eyes to those behind us and takes my arm, pulling me along with her. Everyone trails behind as though we’re playing follow-the-leader.
Avery picks a seat on the far end, nearer to the older Affinities who just smile and laugh at our awkwardness. Many of them look barely older than I am, but they sit at their tables as though they own the world, talking up a storm. They’re the main reason why Karsh had to yell, I realize. Those at the tables down the line seem quiet and controlled.
While I stand there staring at the table arrangements, everyone in our group has already sat down, leaving me standing alone. Avery looks at me with an expression either asking me what’s wrong or telling me I’m stupid. With her, I can never tell. I lift my leg over the spot on the bench she saved for me, and take my spot beside her. The bench is cold and hard, like a rock brought out of a freezer. I squirm in my tight spot, trying to find a comfortable position and make room for my elbows with Avery and someone on my left, squishing me for room.
Karsh now stands at the head of the table, fifty heads leaning towards him as he clears his throat for attention. “This is your chance to get to know one another. Don’t ignore it. Go ahead and talk.” He smiles wryly—the first true smile I’ve seen on his face—and it seems to open a different side of his person. “Your breakfast will be coming presently.” With that, his deep-set expression returns, and he leaves us.
When the glass door shuts behind him, he is lost to my sight. For a moment, I gape in confusion. Because I don’t see him. The scene behind him remains as it was before with the empty hallway beyond. I stare for a moment longer, and finally decide to remember for later. If Karsh will answer questions, that will be one. Trivial as it may be.
There are about ten seconds of silence, while everyone seems as though they’re holding their breath. Needless suspense heightens the moment. And then all crashes over like a bubble being popped, dozens of voices babbling together or at each other. I can’t distinguish actual conversation.
Avery and I seem to be the only silent ones, stuck at the end of the table. I prod her with my arm. “So, um, want to talk?” I have to almost yell in order to be heard.
She turns to me with a raised eyebrow. “What about? Seems as though we tried that earlier, remember? Epic failure.”
I shrug, but remember the number of uh I said then. “Yeah, but we could try again. You know, new room and all. Besides, if we are stuck together for a while…” I let the sentence hang in the air unfinished.
“So what do you think is for breakfast?”
I stare at her. “Is that really the only thing you can think of?” I begin to laugh, but then realize I would have come up with the same topic idea: boring and pointless.
“I don’t care what we’re having.” A smiling face shoves itself in front of mine, taking up all my vision. And all I can see is a brown face and curly hair growing over bright eyes. His breath smells of a combination of morning and mint. I jerk back with a start. “Dude, I could eat, like, anything right now. Dog food sounds pretty good. With ketchup, though.” His voice is rich and deep, reminding me of thick cocoa—capable of warming any cold moment. He retreats to his chair across the table from me, and leans his face down the line. “Any one got hot sauce?”
“You like hot sauce?” I blurt without thinking.
“Oh, yeah,” he gushes. If he is any more excited, he might burst a blood vessel. “Dude, have you ever tried that stuff? You could—oh, you can’t remember.” He laughs shortly, but he’s the only one who thinks it’s funny. The girl beside him squirms in her seat just enough to catch his attention.
“You guys met her yet?” I realize he’s talking to Avery as well as me.
“Uh, we haven’t even met you yet.” I turn to Avery, who looks at me in complete disinterest in any conversation, or perhaps just anything period. Although her eyes do light up when she notices something across the hall. Following her gaze, I notice people walking our way carrying something. Food, maybe? No smells waft our way as they walk, the plates bouncing on their arms like they’re glued there.
“Sorry, bro. I am Zevi. Weird name, I know.” He looks at the food coming, and turns back to me without a second look. “And this is Zoe.” He gestures to the small girl beside him, dwarfed by his wide shoulders and height. She’s glances with a shy smile at me, but then looks down, her small face hiding behind a mane of poofy black hair, curling in tiny ringlets everywhere and anywhere. “She’s a big talker. Took me, like, hours to get a name out of her.” Zevi laughs and throws an arm around Zoe, giving her silence a one-armed hug while Avery and I stare.
“I can see that.” Brilliant. Any other replies as intelligent, and everyone will be clamoring away from my boredom. “This is Avery”—she sort of waves with one hand, but is more interested elsewhere—“and I’m Ally. We’re Affinities, too, I guess.”
“You guys got named the same letter, too?” He laughs shortly, and shakes his head. “What is wrong with these people, dude? Who says my name isn’t Bob or Fred or something? I mean, seriously? They expect us to believe our actual names match each other?”
I frown as I realize what I never thought of—that my name is possibly not mine, that Avery’s isn’t, that none of ours were. That was the only thing they could show me on the computer, and the one thing they said they’d retrieved. Perhaps they hadn’t found it and were supplying names for us to make us all match?
“Hey, Bro.” Zevi nudges me with his spare hand, pointing to show waiters or something like them bringing food on platters to us, dropping off a plate with the same food on each to every kid down the line. Others have already started eating, scooping their spoons into this odd pasty stuff, colored like mud. Something tells me it will taste no different. “Food’s here.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hi, Timothy.
) who have just about corrected you on everything that's in need of correcting. (Some things I never even noticed. I don't have good eyes for it I guess).
This will be my last review to this novel for a little while. Maybe forever, maybe not (I'm hoping NOT, but its not up to me. Its up to some annoying, bratty person. I'm not pointing any fingers xDD).
I feel as if I won't be much help to you if I do a review on correcting things because your book has attracted some amazing reviewers (and linguists
I like Zevi and Zoe, they are a good Affinity. They definitely complete each other. She is so shy and he is definitely bubbly. You definitely have the opposites attract thing going on there haha. (Ignore that I just said definitely four times now. I can't think of another word. I guess I can't ever bug you about being repetitive now lol).
That naming thing that you worked out with that one reviewer is a pretty good idea. Did you figure out a plan yet?
By the way, that was pretty sweet for naming Zoe after that child. Great choice there =).
I'll be waiting for your next part to come out. Just message me when you have it done. I'll be waiting very patiently.
Now that I am caught up on this novel. Any suggestion with what I should start on next?
FireBird99
I've always loved that name, anyway.
OH. Is this the last part? D: Perhaps I need to write more on this, then....
Your comments are just as helpful as anyone elses, and don't you forget it. c: Just as helpful.
That linguist, Rose, reallyyyy helped me. I woulda been writing this foreveh without paying even the slightest bit of attention to that detail. D:
Yes, yes, yes, write more! Aww, thanks. I try to find fault in your writing, I honestly do but to tell you the truth, its hard. -__- XD
Its always better to know your mistakes before you publish the book. Imagine the annoyed readers you would have had if she didn't point that out.
Hai Timmy!
I decided it was definitely time for me to catch up with Affinity, and seeing as you did all those lovely reviews for me I needed to write one for you. So here goes! I tried not to nitpick because you have had plenty reviews revolving around that, so that's why this might be shorter.
First of all, I can say that I love Zevi and Zoe's characters. After having so much of Karsh (who is never with his affinity anyway xD) and his harshness and then the uncommunicative Avery and Ally, it was good to be introduced to some lively and cheerful characters. I love that they are so vibrant and basically taking this situation in their stride. I do find it strange that they are part of the shy and timid group - I would imagine they would've been one of the first people marching towards the table as well - but I guess they are? I also think that you did a great job of describing the setting as you always do, and we never miss a section of the room. I like it
I do think it takes you a long time for each scene though. Whenever we go to a new place I am starting to see a pattern forming - first we get the description, then we get an explanation as to why they are there, and then we get the rest of the scene where there will be an attempted conversation and something else (in this case an introduction to Zevi and Zoe). You really need to break out of the pattern, simply because without knowing it the reader could get hooked on the pattern and it might get boringly repetitive - without them quite knowing what it is. So now that you know the pattern try and break out of it
Also, every time they go to a new room they are getting such a long explanation and introduction to it. I can imagine this is going to get tiresome if we have it for every chapter or every new place they go to. So maybe try and shorten the introductions a bit so we get more to the point. If it's not adding to the large general plot, then it is easily removable. Try to remember that and put it into practice
I said I would try not to nitpick, but I couldn't resist this one. I felt like there needed to be another word after above, something like 'us' or so. Because you never quite determine what the ceiling is towering above. It could be anything at this point.
You and your sentences that are half sentences xD This should be 'It's strange that I cannot...' etc.
Also, what about telling us what he can smell instead? Does the entire room seem to have no smell, or does it have that sickly doctors room smell, or something else completely? You tell us what is not there, which made me curious to know what is there!
You later on explain who they actually is, but when you say it here we don't know who you are referring to. So make sure you classify.
I found it odd that no one cares about the newbie group and they simply carry on talking and doing whatever they were previously doing. I mean, in a school when there are new people they always flock around to meet them and talk to them. Yes, there might be a rule that you can't talk to the newbie group because they don't know enough yet and they might give something away, but shouldn't there be... I don't know, silence should fall or something as they examine the new people? I just find it extremely odd that no one seems to care about the new people. In all the communities I can think of, the new people are either welcomed or at least recognized as new when they join the larger group.
This is one of those moments where I think you go into too much detail which is distracting from the main point here. Do we really need the whole 'lift my leg over part'? Simply say he took her spot beside her and the bench was cold. Readers can assume he had to lift his leg to get on the bench. Sure, us readers need explanations for a lot of things but not everything...
You need a referring word in this sentence. I would put the word 'it' as the third word in the sentence.
I wonder, how does Zevi manage to get his face into Ally's when they are all squished together on this bench? Is Zevi sitting next to Ally? If that is the case, then I didn't really get that, so make sure you mention it. It would also explain why Zoe is so close by thought. It was just hard to see where they were...
One thing confused me. Although they can't remember a lot of things, they are able to remember some things, right? I didn't understand how Zevi was able to remember the taste of hot sauce enough to want some, and then he said that Ally probably can't remember it. So then how does he even remember? Gah, I am so confused. I think an explanation as to what they can and can't remember, and how it will differ for every person is necessary now very soon!
I also find this group of people in general to be the most timid group of people ever! I mean, they hesitate before sitting down, before speaking, before doing just about everything! It's starting to get frustrating (I know how Avery feels, at least) and it's starting to get annoyingly repetitive as well. I mean, didn't they select this group of people specially? Shouldn't they have picked some more... forthcoming people? They can't all be shy and timid, some must be more daring and welcoming, like Zevi and Zoe. So why are those people never speaking and doing anything? Remember that though they are a group, individuals in it will be different and if you introduce them to us as outgoing and welcoming of the situation, you have to remember that they will be behaving the exact same way in the group as well.
I have nothing more to say! In general this was a good chapter, but I still don't think it is one of your best. The introduction to the facility is continuing, and I like how it is going steadily. Maybe you need to take a break of introducing us to the facility and the introductions to start the plot progressing before coming back to it? That would be a good way of mixing things and bringing something new in. But that's only a suggestion.
Let me know whenever you post anymore, of course.
Deanie x
Livvyyyy
So, yeah. This is another one of my trouble chapters. I think with Affinity, it's going to take a few drafts before everything is down pat (such as the environment around them and my style and the characters). You're absolutely right about how I write the scenes for this. That's a template I really really need to get away from, and I'll work on that. Basically, this helps me like so so many of your reviews do.
You and I will probably never agree on those half-sentences. xD I USE THEM LESS THAN I USED TO. It's just, I try to write in a way that, well, flows like thought. And we don't think always in complete sentences. But I get what you're saying. :p I'll fix it. ^^
Thank you. <3 Chat today? pweaaase?
Okay
But we're never gonna agree on those sentences...
I am hereee all day-ish now. Just sitting around.
Hi there! Noelle back again for reviewing and such. It's a special day for that apparently.
I found this a bit strange. There are tables there that are not white and new and sparkly? From the descriptions of everything else, I expected literally everything to be nice and new.
Yay, more characters! This part made me feel a lot more like the other kids were there with them. Obviously, because they're all sitting there with them at the lunch table xD But you did a good job making sure that we know of the other kids. Then there are the older Affinities. For some reason, I didn't ever think that there would be older kids there >.> I'm weird like that I guess. Anyways, I'm left wondering how old they are exactly. I don't think you've mentioned it and I think it's a good thing to focus on. Especially if we're looking at Ally and Avery's future. How long is it going to take for them to become true Affinities? Are these older kids really that much older than them? It would give us more information about ARC and this program.
I think the names are fine. They're really great, actually. Zevi is definitely an original name and I don't read about many Zoe's. It is funny though, that the kids from the back of the line ended up sitting across from the kids at the front of the line :3 I don't know why I find that totally funny, but I do. You did a good job introducing the characters and giving us a quick look at who they are. You've gone through all the effort naming them so I know they'll be around for a while. We'll learn more about them soon enough I'm sure.
Wow. Does Karsh actually have a nice side? o.o I totally didn't expect that smile from him, or the comment about the questions. I was so sure he'd shoot down the questions just because, but it doesn't seem like that. It seems that he might actually care about the kids and what they want to know. What I can't figure out though is if he's going that because he has to or if he actually cares about them. He's a pretty complicated character. Or maybe it's just Avery that he hates because she's stubborn and annoying xD
I can't wait to read more! Now I actually have to wait for a new chapter
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Zevi and Zoe are going to stick around for a while. I thinkkkk. I haven't written this novel in so long, I'm not sure what's going on anymore. xD I named Zoe after a friend's baby who died. ^.^ So I had to work with Zevi's name so it would appease the linguist people who read this. xD
Perhaaaaps I'll start writing this again. :p Thank you! As always, so helpful. <33 And you're all caught up! <333
Hi pretzelsing here for a review, I am jumping into the middle of your story and plot line. Here are my tidbits and nitpicks:
First of all, I really like this sentence below:
I think that at the top as an author's note you described that you specially did this to make them match and on the same team.
Overall, this is a great story, just needs a little bit of polishing up. I loved your word choice throughout this piece. It is to the point and perfectly and carefully chosen.As always I encourage you to keep on writing.
Sorry, I don't know why is format is like that with the big quotation and then other little ones,the ones inside the big one are the ones from your story, and then the rest is just my personal review!
-pretzelsing
Thank you for this wonderful review, Pretzel! <3 It helps me so much, and I will remember everything you said when editing and future chapters. Yes, getting the right word is so haaard sometimes.
You are very welcome.Hope it truly helped! If you have any questions about it just PM me!
*gasps* why was I not informed of this? (will review later)
You weeeere informed of it, silly.
Or at least I thought I posted in the club. o.o
o.o. *facepalms*
Heyyyy so Night here finally for this review! I'm so excited. I read this all today during theatre class. XD I'm going to do this for my 15 minutes, but if you have more stuff you'd like me to look at, just ask. I'll probably go over the limit, I'm guessing. >.>
I was also wondering about ethnicity in this. There have been a few mentions of Avery's "soft pale skin", but is it a given that Ally is white? I know Zevi isn't, but you specifically mentioned it. I would want to know, are they looking around the room and seeing a wide range of ethnicity? Or is it that at this point in the future, most people are so cross-bred that they are a mixture of all? Just some points to ponder. 
Just let me know! I love your writing style and I'm attached to these characters now. More character description though, pleasssse! I believe in you!
So the names DO have a purpose! Oh my goodness I am so good at this, you saw me. Totally called it. :3
Alright, so for the basics of the novel, I'm loving this. Your characters are very well developed, I'm impressed. They have set personalities that are realistic and consistent. Ally is adorbs, he is so sweet and caring. Avery is... Avery. I really love her character, although you'll have to be careful with the line between sassy and spunky to self-absorbed and just plain mean. You've done well with it so far, and I can see the advancements made with her slowly warming up to people. Her defense mechanisms are fascinating. Lovely.
The plot is very interesting. The way you started the whole thing out was very interesting as well. I wasn't sure if an actual plot would develop or it was just a nightmare, acid-trip thing. XD But now it's okay. The first chapters drew me in and made me crave the answers I know will eventually come out to the open.
One comment on your writing style. The first few chapters up to the meeting with Karsh and Avery was very different from what you have now. It was a lot more descriptive with larger vocabulary, but it seems the farther the chapters go, the more casual the writing style gets. Not a decrease in quality, but maybe something you'd like to look into. I personally love both styles so I'm not sure how you'd go about that.
Another comment from stylistic standpoints. Through reading this from start to finish(ish), I have a very vague idea of what your characters look like. I'm sure through close inspection of each individual chapter, I would notice your description sections more. But since I read this as a reader, not a reviewer, I think you need to mention specifically what your characters look like more than once. No info dumping, that's not what I mean. Just more off-hand mentions of hair color, eye color, skin type, etc. You did well with the introduction of the two characters in this chapter, but that's assuming you'll make a few more mentions to get their appearance stuck in your reader's cranium. As of right now, I have little visualization of Ally and Avery. A good time to do this would be when they first meet in their room the first time. They can observe each other, describe their appearances along with emotions. Something like that. Otherwise, you do a great job with describing surroundings. I have an awesome image of the building/ their room in my head. So kudos for that.
You also are doing a great job with plot progression. The start of the novel, I had NO idea what was going on. Yet, each chapter you gave me a little more to hold on, and that scrap of info would spur me on to read more. It was as if I was as clueless as the main characters, and you have drawn me in completely. Yay, go Timmy.
Now onto this chapter. I like the length of your chapters, by the way, and each flows very seamlessly together. Noyce.
At the beginning, you mentioned old-timers. How old? 90's old? Or early 20's old? I'm guessing only 20's, because the process is five years, but still. Elaborate. I still have very little idea of how old your main chars are too, by the way. I think you mentioned once that they were 15ish, but how would they know that? Are they looking around judging people's ages? Mostly, I'm hearing a lot of mentions that they are children, but that could mean anything from a toddler to an 18-year-old.
50 kids? In a line? Wow. That's a lot. Long line. Lots of alphabetical names. XP Sorry, random thought.
I personally adore your introduction of Zevi. A kid guided by his stomach. Love it. Although, how does he know what hot sauce is? Is it just his primal urges telling him he loves that and ketchup? o.o I was thinking, if you need guy Z names, you could do Zachary, Zander, or Zion. Just ideas. But I love Zevi too. A quirky name that fits his character.
I also like how you casually inserted the information about the names. If a reader hadn't picked up on it (as I had :3), it gave a nice intro to new info. Props.
The food you are describing here does not sound appetizing. But hey, maybe it looks gross but tastes fabulous. You never know in these funky future worlds where kids are kidnapped and brain wiped and paired up by computer. *shrugs*
Oop I went a half hour. XD So, overall, I'm loving the progression here. I'm sorry if this was a small overview for you, but now that I'm caught up I can help review future chapters.
Keep writing and being awesome!
~Night
I am so sorry. >.< I replied to this, and I guess it never showed up. ANYWAY. onto the reply xD
You are the fastest reader and reviewer I have ever had with Affinity. <3 Thank you, thank you, thank you. All of your comments, nitpicks, faving - all of it has given me things to really think about for the next chapters. :3
AND THE CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS. I just realized that while I have described almost every character, I have almost ignored Avery and Ally. I promise I will work on that, and implement it into the story as I go. Thank you for pointing that out, because it is something I really, really need to use more of. :3
That is a long line. o.0 Maybe I should work on that, since that line would stretch out the door and down the hall. xD (My fave chapters for style I think are from 3-5, but I know I can probably never get that style back. >.<) I am glad you don't have a preference, because my styles seem to change per chapter for the first drafts until I find my niche in the story. heehee Thank youuuu, yet again. <3
I am so sorry. >.< I replied to this, and I guess it never showed up. ANYWAY. onto the reply xD
You are the fastest reader and reviewer I have ever had with Affinity. <3 Thank you, thank you, thank you. All of your comments, nitpicks, faving - all of it has given me things to really think about for the next chapters. :3
AND THE CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS. I just realized that while I have described almost every character, I have almost ignored Avery and Ally. I promise I will work on that, and implement it into the story as I go. Thank you for pointing that out, because it is something I really, really need to use more of. :3
That is a long line. o.0 Maybe I should work on that, since that line would stretch out the door and down the hall. xD (My fave chapters for style I think are from 3-5, but I know I can probably never get that style back. >.<) I am glad you don't have a preference, because my styles seem to change per chapter for the first drafts until I find my niche in the story. heehee Thank youuuu, yet again. <3
No problem! I loved the whole thing! Please keep me updated. This is great so far. <3
Hi timmmmmy I'm here to return the favor. I haven't read any of your previous chapters so if i miss an obvious detail please tell me.
This is a kind of a confusing entry. This might be because i haven't read any of you previous chapters but i thought i should mention it
The line in between voice and and isn't necessary. I know your trying to a little suspense but if you just put a comma and leave it, it'll make more sense. Do you get what I'm saying? You also have it in a few other areas that I won't mention.
I like this part a lot. This tiny paragraph brings out Karsh's character. I can see he really secretive and stubborn, he might even lie to you a couple of times.
A nice, sudden change in personality. Very interesting.
There are some tense issues. it should be "If he was" not "If he is". just make sure you double check.
Overall I hope to see more. Your description is divine. Please post when you get more chapters out
-Poseidon
Thank you for the review, Poseidon! <3 Very helpful, and I like getting new viewpoints to this book. I will be sure to keep an eye out for tense issues and make sure the Em-dashes are in their appropriate place in the future, and will edit as necessary. Thank youuuu again. c:
You are veeeeeery welcome.