I fear for you as your life flashes by,
I see cries for help in your lonely eyes,
you say you don't care but deep down inside,
I see the real you and he silently cries,
He cant move he's nailed to your heart,
He screams as the drugs slowly rip him apart,
Everyday another piece of him gone,
Everyday I'm hoping I'm wrong,
But tomorrow and the day after that,
The brother I knew is closer to death,
In his place a demon stands,
Holding a bottle in his hand,
I cringe at the way he smiles and laughs,
He got his way another body collapsed,
Stuck in the world with no where to run,
Drownding in their own tears of rum.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Honestly I think everybody goes through a rough patch in there life, some take it better then others, some break and can't heal, or heal but not right. Weather its breaking up with somebody or getting dumped, even parents breaking up. You really captured the roughest parts of life in one poem and I think that was a wonderful idea and an even better poem. Great Job!
Hello there, I just wanted to tell you about how emotional and sad your poem was.
Nevertheless, I thought that it was beautifully written. You have a real talent for writing, because it was easy to tell how you were feeling. The way the words flow is perfect, and I swear, I could almost hear the sadness in the words as I was reading it over.
This is beautiful, emotional, and deep! You are a very excellent writer!
And as for your brother, I hope that you are able to get him the help he needs, and that the both of you feel a lot better soon. Best of luck!
Hi, MoonlightForest here to review!
Let me just start out by saying that your poem is beautifully written and incredibly emotional. When I read your poem, I felt empathy and a deep sadness for this person. I especially like the line "In his place a demon stands, / Holding a bottle in his hand..." It gives the reader great imagery and sensory detail.
I just have a couple of questions about your poem. In the line, "Drowning in their own tears of rum", did you intend to say "their"? Who is they referring to? That makes me curious. I feel that you could definitely elaborate. One thing I would suggest: use semicolons or commas to separate two different ideas. For example: "He can't move he's nailed to your heart," is hard to understand because of the lack of punctuation.
Overall, I really enjoyed your intense, emotional piece. Great job, and I hope to read more from you!
Hello!
This is just the right kind of poem for me to review right now. I can see this is personal, so I'll try to go easy on you.
First, I want to say that I can totally identify with your situation. I've dealt with this same situation for... a long time. Of course my brother moved away from us, so I don't have to see him every day.
So, you spelled "cries" wrong in the second and fourth line. Also, you're missing apostrophes in words like "can't" and "don't." If that was on purpose, well, sorry, but I feel like it wasn't.
I like your imagery, even if it is cliche in several part. I like the way you refer to the "Real" brother as "he" not "you." I also like the image of nailed to your heart, though usually I would call that cliche.
Also, your rhyming here... while it is nice in places, it doesn't work in others. It feels very rushed, and things like "that" & "death" and "run" and "rums" don't really rhyme at all. But I'm willing to let that slide... just know that this would read better if you didn't have any rhymes at all: you don't really need them.
Speaking of other things you don't really need: Commas. You have a comma after every line, and I know you did that so it "reads like a poem" but you don't need them. Some times the look clunky, and sometimes they disrupt the flow, but of course, since you're the poet, you can choose what you want. Same for capitalizing every line: you don't need to, but you can if you want. I suggest changing some of the commas to periods, like where your sentences end... I honestly just suggest punctuating this like you would anything else, so that the reader can understand what belongs together and what doesn't.
This line didn't make much sense to me. I'm not sure if you're missing a word or a letter or something... As is, it doesn't make sense.
Who is the "they" that belongs to "their" in this line? I do like the "tears of rums" Idea, though I'm not sure why rums is plural...
Otherwise, I really liked reading this, and you have some really nice emotion and story telling here.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
Thanks! A lot of that is me just typing it and not going back to re read it! Thanks for reviewing tho!!
Hello, im brielle. i love how this poem. vey Touching I love it.
I feel your pain,hurt in this. I understand what your trying to say and get out. But theres these one thing i only see one Period "." so like it makes it a run on. but i know some poems doesnt have to have it and all these Comama's "," Get reed of it, you dont need all of them but if you do add some periods. can i know poem are suposeed to flow but it was like i was reading a run on sentence/ Stanz, that never end because of those ",". But After that i love it the image you gave to me is pretty good. just keep writing your very good.