There’s a rush of people beside me as they catch sight of Karsh striding towards us, everything about him demanding attention and displaying complete authority. His eyes seem to pierce through me as he walks up, coming to a stop in the middle of the hallway. He’s even with my door.
“Affinities, line up together—A-Z right here.” He points to where he wants us to stand, directly in front of him. I stay rooted where I am, and most everyone else does the same. In confusion or obstinacy, I have no idea. But I am not going to move from where I’m at until I have a good reason, and not just his intimidation act.
“A, directly in front of me,” he repeats. I hear the impatience in his voice at our delayed reactions. “And then all others behind in alphabetical order.”
Ally nudges my back at this next command from Karsh, and moves past me to stand where Karsh still gestures to. I stay put for a moment longer, watching him find his place in the front of the line. A part of me itches push ahead or behind him, and just go along with it. I did want to see what this assignment would be, even though it seems more like school each moment. Forming lines? Something just tells me I haven’t done that in ages. Perhaps it’s a rusted memory itching loose, and finally becoming known.
I sigh in defeat, and step in behind Ally. Before I come to a complete stop and copy his hand-at-side position, I jab him back. He merely smiles and turns his head to look behind at me. I begin to smile back, but shake my head—now is not the time. And I don’t feel like being friends with anyone right now. All I want is silence and allowed laziness.
Apparently, no one really cares.
Confusion and general chaos is displayed by those still lining up, timidly shoving and arguing as they find their spots. With all these names and letters floating around for identification, they could’ve at least given us name-tags. Avery sewn on the front would’ve made this jumpsuit thing look at least a bit more mine, instead of matching the whole bloody place.
As soon as everyone is behind Ally and I—a glance behind me showing a perfectly-matched group of teenagers who each look exactly my age and size—Karsh grunts and shows his satisfaction with a nod.
“Follow me,” he says. And he begins to move away, taking slow and deliberate strides while stopping to watch us and see how we’re behaving.
From the absolute silence behind, and the expressions on the faces I turn to see, I know they’re afraid. They’re worried. They’re kids. Just like me. And we’re all heading into the unknown of this immense place.
Even though I try so hard to keep my face a mask of emotions, and nothing but a scowl or uncaring expression printed across it, my anxiety is displayed for anyone who wishes to know. It’s like they’re looking at a mirror of my mind, rather than what they see on top. The feeling won’t go away, the air seems to grow colder as we walk along, and I want to tuck myself into a corner somewhere and watch everything rotate without me.
“You alright?” Ally glances behind him as we walk, seeming to take notice of my sudden paleness.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. For once, I keep my voice low in the hope Karsh won’t hear me. The chances of that are slim. There doesn’t seem to be anything he doesn’t notice—the people walking by, those behind him who lag, our uncertain and scared voices. I wish he would just turn around and keep his attention focused that way so he can’t see this.
I take a deep breath, and push it all past me. I imagine the weakness mashed into a ball, crumpled in my mind’s palm, thrown behind me. Or at least that is how I put it together in my mind. But this poetic image of mine is just wishful thinking, and as I walk down the white hall, everything remains the same.
“So you’re going to be okay, though?” He stumbles while he walks forward and glances back at the same time. I shove him forward in a struggle to bring back a bit of my previous attitude, but I don’t even seem to have the urge for that anymore.
“You mind your own business,” I say. “I’m doing fine.”
He looks forward with an uncertain expression, but at least he’s paying more attention to what’s in front of him than behind at me.
After what seems like ages of walking through the same bloody hallway—the redundant whiteness going on and on and on—we come to the edge of it. I try to peer over Ally’s shoulder to see why we’re stopping, but that doesn’t work too well. Since it’s awkward to stand on tiptoe, I have to peek around him. Now I wish I had been in front of him.
A glass wall separates us from what’s beyond, so clear and clean it’s as though they have someone permanently assigned to it—dusting the fingerprints and specks of dirt away as they fall against the glass. I have to arch my neck in order to see the top of the see-through wall, the glass rising up to end at the top of the roof. And that looks like it’s at least twenty meters above me, multiple floors coming to a stop against it. The number of people I see walking about on the higher floors is almost unbelievable. All of them are dressed identical to us below, but looking at the closest moving figures tells me that we are the only ones who don’t have a place, who are uncertain about our future.
But they all know what they’re doing.
And directly in front of me is what I told Ally we were going to—the mess hall. Everything is situated in a way that defies the name, and should have been named something more like “clean hall” or something. Although that would sound retarded. Hundreds of people eat on tables lining an immense room, one that extends far enough so I can’t see the features of the people on the far edge. There’s so many of them, all walking in such order, such harmony. Some come from a different room, carrying something which looks somewhat like food, and finding their place. All wear white.
I think it’ll be difficult to fit in with this crowd.
Karsh presses the glass in a certain place—something almost like an indent in the glass—and an opening in the glass appears, almost like the wall is merely shimmering away. But there it is, the glass door, leaned open like a traditional wooden one. But no matter how I look, or how I turn my head to see it in a different way, I can’t see any hinges attaching it to the wall.
Karsh moves to the side, and gestures for us to walk in.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hi, FireBird99 here for a review. This saddens me. I only have one more snippet to read before I have the longest cliff hanger of all time. *sniffle*
For some reason I am always reading and doing reviews of your book at night time and then I submit it the next day. Odd, eh? o.o Maybe its because that's when I get my time alone to do whatever I want? Yes, that's a good answer hehe.
This chapter was good the only thing I kind of had a problem was with the whole alphabetically lining up thing. It just seemed too disorganized. So far you have shown us a freakishly clean, organized facility that the lining up part was a little out of place. Sure you can make them line up in an alphabetical order but maybe you should make it organized, instead of having it all in disorder, maybe the speakers can be calling out the names that are next to avoid the chaos? If you do something like that then it won't be so out of place.
Since I only review Affinity 1 or 2 a week the chapters didn't feel to repetitive but I can see how they could be if I were reading it all in book form. So the others are right on that. It is kind of moving at a slow, repetitive pace. I hadn't noticed it until they mentioned it but like I said, I'm not reading it all at once.
I also would like to see them mixing in with the rest of the kids. Then it wont be so based on Avery and Ally and we will get a little break from their characters. It will be like a freshener in a way xD.
I'm still really really really enjoying so far. I want more and I'm not kidding. You've got me hooked.
KEEP WRITING,
Me
THANK YOU.
You are so so so right, you know. o.o I really do need to work on that, bring more into the book, as well as that one section. Ouch. Yeah, I need to make it more organized. xd
Thank youuuu, Annie.
Your welcome.
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
I didn't review the last part because I really had nothing to say. There was one silly nitpick I picked out, but there was absolutely nothing else I wanted to say. It was just too awesome for a review.
They're all the same size too? I find that a bit hard to believe. The same age, yes. But how would they have been able to find so many kids the same size?
You slip out of first person here with just the last part of the sentence. Avery doesn't know that Karsh is watching them to make sure they behave. It could be an assumption, yes, but not a fact. I know that's something really small, but it's always something I notice so I like to point it out.
It's cool to really get to know Avery more. We've spent a lot of time in her mind and getting to know about what she thinks of this place and her new life, but it's all been negative and 'woe me'. Here we get to see a different side of her, the side that not only feels bad about herself, but also about the people around her. It's still all negative towards ARC, but she's much softer here. And it doesn't feel out of character at all. Sometimes things like that end up being out of character. You did a good job escaping that trap. She's feeling different emotions and then she doesn't know how to deal with them. It's written very well.
What are all these other kids doing while they're walking? I don't think that they're walking around in complete silence
Another good chapter here. I'm quite impressed by how you've been able to withhold all of this information from us. We know a lot, but there are still so many things that we're in the dark about. I think the reason it works so well is because you're writing in first person. Third person wouldn't have worked as well because the narrator would've needed to know more. You made a good decision with that.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
The details are a killer for me. >> Especially that one about the kids all being the same. wait wut. xD I will have to go through and really really edit this book. :p
Thank you! Again, so helpful <3
Another great chapter. ALMOST THERE. I'm loving the story. One comment though. I've counted maybe five times you've used the phrase "I just want to curl up and let the world revolve around me/without me/something similar to that". Not sure you know that you say that quite a bit. I love the phrase, it's just that the repetition is starting to stand out.
YAY LAST CHAPTER HERE I COME. <3
Yes, I need to work on less redundancy throughout. That one seems like a barb poking me every time I read through. xD Thank youu for reading, once again. <3
No problem! I'm enjoying it immensely so far. :3
Hai Timmy!
And of course, like before I am wondering what this exercise that they are heading towards could possibly be!
Ooh yay, I am all caught up with reviewing your portfolio!
Okay, so I am going to keep this review short and it might be a bit repetitive because I haven't read through the entirety of either of the reviews before mine. But I only have ten minutes until I am supposed to be asleep anyways, so short review here you come!
What I liked: I liked that we can see Avery's mask slipping. She is bothering me a bit in this chapter, but we can see that she is feeling nervous just like any other person in this group. We can see that she is relying on Ally more than she would want to and that those torn emotions and pulling her both ways. Even she isn't sure what she wants anymore. And then we have Karsh at the head of everything, leading this group into the unknown. I do think you are throwing in too many details of things that don't matter, but we are getting somewhere in this story. We just seem to have taken the long way round to get there
Avery still did bug me. Namely because of a moment below:
This is called leading someone on, and it is being annoying. One second you are kind to them and the next you are mean. Well, usually it's in less than a few seconds but Avery seems to switch pretty quickly xD Sure, us girls can be indecisive about what we want and annoying, but not like this
I feel like at that moment someone should speak up to Karsh. At least, having been through enough lessons at school - when a teacher asks something in a kind of commanding tone, there is likely always that one student who will question what they are doing or refuse to do it. They usually end up in trouble (and usually don't care anyway) but I felt like someone should've really stood up to Karsh, if anything but to know what the consequences would be. Maybe they are something that would scare the rest of them into doing what he says from now on? Or, if no one is going to be brave enough, at least have someone ask a question innocently or something, simply to see what Karsh's response would be.
Again, I am not sure how close you are sticking to the plan we created before, but I thought they were all supposed to be different? (By the way, there is nothing wrong with the phrase above. More so quoting that line and referring to the whole paragraph) I thought they each had their own area of expertise or thing they would be good at. Like, if one Affinity was short, their other half would be tall so that together they would be stronger? I didn't think they were all equal when it came to Affinities but more so the other one would fill up all the places you are lacking. That way, they should all be more different. And make sure you describe ways in which they are different as well! What is it about them? Appearance wise?
but individuals, would look different, have different strengths
You say Karsh never misses anything, but I have never seen him noticing anything either. You tell this to us, but when have we had proof of him being overly observant? It would've been good to incorporate this into the smashing teacup scene, or somewhere before where we see him, so you could still have this line in there. Otherwise I am just left wanting proof.
Gah, ten minutes are done. I guess I have to go >.> Hope this was helpful! And let me know whenever you post more
Deanie x
YOU ARE CAUGHT UP.
For a ten minute review, or for any amount of time given to a review, this was amazing. <3 Thank you, thank you. This, like the previous review, will really help me with this next chapter and rewriting.
You're da best. <3
Hey Timtam, I don't think this is a review at all since Rosey's basically pointed out all the points.
But I'm obligated to write a review due to Adopt a Novel...so here I'm. Just giving my two pennies on this chapter.I have mixed feelings with this chapter to be honest. So first off, with the names I'm actually quite ok with that ordering except for one thing. The way you wrote it made it sound like the pairs were chosen according to the letter of their name rather than their qualities. So I'm not so sure about the logic behind that, if Karsh wanted them to line up nicely. There must be another way to do it.
Alright, plot wise. I'm still somewhat annoyed, when is Ally and Avery going to mix with some other kids? Or actually do something that isn't lining up for lunch or Avery being a complete b*tch to Ally. I mean, this is high time for Avery to start giving up pieces of herself to Ally. If she can't, then you better create a situation that makes her do that because right now. I haven't gained a better understanding of either Ally or Avery since the moment you introduced them. Feels like we've been spinning round in a circle. Timtam, I don't why Avery is pushing back Ally every single time he tries to talk to her. I get that Avery probably has insecurities of her that she doesn't want to reveal or open up, but it's been almost four chapters. Is time to break that wall and actually get somewhere, and there has been a lot of chances for this to happen. For example, when Ally questioned her if she was alright. Would it hurt for Avert just to revealed a little bit of herself? Just a bit would push her character back on track.
My second problem is actually Karsh, for the earlier chapters when Avery described him. I don't see any reason why everyone should be so afraid of him side from the fact that he is big, and intimidating. He can be violent yes, but I don't believe he is the type to be violent without reason. Hmm, as for the reaction of the rest of the kids. I don't believe they are all quiet and will just follow him either, I bet that this is a very diverse group wouldn't some at least yell out some questions instead of just following? And how does Avery know where they were going, how does she know that it was named the Mess hall? You spend too long on the exposition of this chapter, the main point is the mess hall, yes? I'm guessing something important will happen there but you spend far too long on the process of getting there then actually arriving in the hall. Most of this chapter is quite frankly, redundant.
I am really hoping that in the next few chapters, we will get to see some real development in Both character and plot-wise. I think one of the main reason that your plot isn't moving along is because you don't give your characters opportunities to do something outside their comfort zone. They're still in their shell, when they shouldn't be. That, and we only get the same old interaction between Ally and Avery. Hope to see them interacting with others, and I'm hoping that whatever training they will receive. You use that opportunity to the fullest to expand their character and move the plot along. Because right now, the plot is just hovering there not doing anything.
And Timtam...what happened to your descriptions! o.O This whole chapter, was almost basically a massive block of telling and not showing. I know you can show really well, put that into practice. Pick what you want to describe, and describe them succinctly with good imagery. Use metaphors, simlies, reduce the amount of 'almost like' in your sentences.
Oh, and you know. Avery talks too much at times, we don't need to know ALL her thoughts unless is actually important or something we don't know yet.
Best of luck with your writing, if you have questions. Feel free to bombard my inbox.
-fLea
Thank you, thank you, thank you. This was exactly what I needed. *squisshhugs* I may catch you on the chatbar for a Q&A session, because I need help like I haven't ever needed help before. I honestly don't know why I have been failing in this novel, why it's so hard to maintain the pacing and characters - while my other one remains constant.
Do you think a break would help? Some time off Affinity?
Your reviews are always amazing. <333
Yiu are in Tenyo's Last Man standing contest, yeah? I don't know if Affinity is your chosen novel, but if it is. Then that is probably why. Writing a chapter in a limited amount of time can kill the sense of plot and it just becomes a whole big blur of I need to keep this going, that's it.
From what I've been seeing with the last few chapters, I think you've hit sort of a block. You need some time off, away from this, maybe think about some other idea and come back to it. Pacing and character is something that would always be hard to maintain, but it's even harder if you aren't sure about why you're going or if you're rushing something.
You can take a break if you want, but I think it will do you so good to cross-examine both your characters and your plot before writing the next. Like, reading over the last few chapters you've written would be good.
If you need help, I'm here. Come at me.
Thank you, Resa. <3 This helps me more than anything. It is my chosen novel, and I came in as a "rogue" in the middle of the contest, just so I could have a steady writing schedule to help me. And that happened at about chapter five, right when the book starts to plunge. Yeah, I have hit a sort of block - not of writing, but of "good" writing. I will take some time, maybe go for some walks in the park, take a nap, and then come back to this with a new aspect on things.
I think another thing which makes this difficult is that it isn't my number one project, but rather one I spend only a fraction of my attention on. :/ The other is 700 words a night, so it tends to take up a lot of my writing. I think a break will help tons. And I printed out the entire book, and am reading through - mainly chapters 3-5, which seem to be where things were the best.
I will bug you in chat when I see you. <33
As requested.
Haven't read any previous parts. Just going off what I see here.
First off, your worldbuilding is weak. Very weak. You alternate between military crisp and clean and schoolyard lineups, which does not go together. If you want military, then there needs to be absolute silence. If you want schoolyard, there needs to be less emphasis on how military this place is. Namely, Karsh who the narrator flat out says is looking for anybody deviating, which is an extreme military action to take. Then you have people talking at every given opportunity, which, if this actually was any sort of militaryesque place, would not happen at all.
I personally find your naming scheme unbelievable, with somebody as "ALL" at the beginning of the line and "AVE" right after. This potentially comes from me being in elementary school where we had four ALEs in 30 people, not to mention how names such as "Aaron" exist which would automatically put them at the front of the line. You seem to have artificially limited your use of A names to stick these two together, which does not help my suspension of disbelief.
Flesh out the world outside of these two little people to find out where the bulk of your names come into play, where your bell curve is, and how these groups are divided up. You will basically have to come up with some idea for most popular names and most popular name variations, so you'll actually know who's populating this line.
Another thing that surprised me is everybody looks like her, but Ally is a guy. By a certain age guys and girls are not the same height, or same build, unless this world purposely went out of its way to stick similarly-shaped people together. That, or they're younger, like under 12. If they are under 12, I'd really be surprised. This is a tad more precise than I'd expect for somebody young. Not to mention there are some hints of romance notes (such as "I'm not here to make friends" type tone, which is basically a guarantee that person will make friends, and how the world seems to bend over backwards to put them next to each other in line) which feel out of place in a novel.
Plus, you're falling into "everybody is of one race" if everyone looks like her. Science fiction has a diversity problem already, so I'm sighing at the fact there's no difference in skin tone. People will, by the way, assume everyone is white. If the groups are divided by race, I'd first ask why. Then I'd ask where the other, different racial groups are. Finally I'd ask if this setting had proportional race and ethnicity divisions to the real world, in which case I'd wonder where all the Asians are (namely China and India, two of the most populated countries in the world).
Onto what you actually asked me to review this on.
Your pacing is boring, primarily from the sheer amount of repetition. You say variations of the same thing over and over again, with protagonist-centric descriptions that either start with "I" or end in "me"— sometimes you have two sentences that end with me in a row, which gets, well, repetitive.
You also have exclusively visual descriptions that end up highly disconnected. Ally and Avery are interacting without any repercussions when the narrative states that Karsh is specifically looking for behaviour exactly like theirs. They are never called out, indicating to me you're bending the rules you're flat out stating in text for these characters. Another sign you forced them together artificially because you are the author and you said so.
You've neglected any of the other senses, and the descriptions never get to stand on their own outside of the main character's view. Despite writing in first person, you don't need to have the character insert themselves in every description they are making. You can have wind blowing and smells of cleaners and the texture of the clothing rubbing against wrists all without ever using "I" or "me" in the sentence. You can also have each event and each person interact with each other, because I got absolutely no sense of anybody else in the group— even how many there were. If talking is allowed, there should be background chatter. If talking is not allowed, then why aren't people at the very front of the line with Karsh right there getting reprimanded?
Overall, this is nonsensical from my perspective. Your rules are applied inconsistently, the world falls completely flat, and everything feels forced into shoving the male main character and the female main character beside each other so they can have a (pointless) conversation that shows how Tough the FMC is and how she just wants to survive and has no time for silly distractions like friendship... which, by the way, is a highly problematic trope because guess what women can be emotional and still be awesome. Not to mention, humanity has survived by collaborating, so anybody with any idea of how humanity works will be sighing at her arrogance. If that will be a flaw that leads to her getting into buckets of trouble and going through lots of rough patches until she learns you have to be nice to others, then you can take this with a grain of salt. However, it's something to be aware of for how you come across now.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
You have noticed the flaw in my character, which is mean to be - and something that I will be building up of her throughout the book. It is a flaw that she will be building off of, and thank you for mentioning it. That tells me it's apparent to the reader.
The one thing you did say that I see as incorrect is merely because you haven't read the other chapters. The names are as such because they were "given" to them after they reached the facility. They are an Affinity, called A14, and so their names begin with A, as well. I hope that clears that problem up.
I never even thought about the "looking the same as she". What I meant by that was they were the same age, and I didn't even consider the different races, color, height, size - etc... Thank you for pointing that out, because it will really help that. I will work on that part, and all parts like that in the future.
So I will say you were harsh? And that was exactly what I needed for this. Your review will help me push aside all the trash that clutters up my novel and help me re-find my focus, and stop with the repeating. I realize now that redundancy isn't merely with words, but also ideas. I will work on keeping that out of my future chapters.
And the descriptions? I completely agree. They're boring, too long, too stereotypical, and they're two-dimensional. I will work on adding more, while at the same time only stating things once.
Your review has given me much to think about, and much to work on. Thank you. This was more encouraging than a nice review. <3
The name thing does not help in the slightest. In fact, that's even worse.
I'd think if they were giving people names then they would spread out their use so you have as many people with as many unique names as possible, to avoid repetition in the rest of the alphabet. A is actually the single most populace sections of baby name books by quite a large margine. Therefore, if they're giving names to try and avoid repetition then A would have dozens and dozens of people with those names, making these two characters very far apart.
If you want the numbers by letter, according to behindthename.com:
A 2,017. B 894. C 1,032. D 864. E 987. F 603. G 859. H 775. I 581. J 828. K 889. L 947. M 1,529. N 692. O 385. P 676. Q 45. R 905. S 1,463. T 951. U 142. V 497. W 262. X 47. Y 274. Z 316
I stand by my critique that it's completely nonsensical to have A names divided up this way, with so few of them in any group.
Ally and Avery is A14. Karsh and Keisha are A7. There are characters coming in who will be Z14, and etc... I think you're missing the point I am trying to give to you, but I don't think it matters now. They are meant to be called with an A. I know this probably doesn't make any difference to you since I asked you to be nitpicky, but there it is.
It's just another thing to separate and make them the team they are, the Affinity. If what I said doesn't clear it up to you, then I am sorry. But this is one thing I am very sure about. Thank you, yet again.
You're still not addressing my point.
My point is: why are two names so far apart in alphabetical order placed right next to each other in the same group when the narrative flat out says they are in alphabetical order in a highly structured environment that gives them names and would have extreme structure to that name system
If you're dealing with A's in alphabetical order, and you have a lot of kids, then there should have at least 15 people between those two. You have not answered my question about why there are not 15 people between the two, only given me a surface base logic that does not have any inkling of deeper thought placed into it. You keep digging yourself deeper into a "these two must be beside each other because I say so" hole.
I am asking for you to give me solid linguistic reasons why a place dealing with a lot of kids (who, in turn, have to name a lot of kids) are not leveraging how the letter A has the single largest crop of names and placing a name that begins with ALL (Ally) next to a name that begins with AVE (Avery), when you could have names that begin with AA (Aada), AB (Abbie), AC (Ace), AD (Adam), ect before AL, and names like AM (Amir), AR (Aron), AS (Asami), AT (Athena), ect between an AL name and an AV name. Putting them both under "A14" does not make any sense to me, because why stick those two letters together when you're trying to name a large group? Honestly, why?
Karsh and Keisha make some inkling of sense because it's Ka and Ke. With consonantal names (especially those that start with a phonological stop) the next sound tends to be a vowel, meaning A and E are genuinely very close in word ordering just for sheer ease of pronunciation.
This does not apply at all with A names, because A is a sound that lends itself to having a vowel or consonant afterwards. Meaning you can rather easily have A followed by every single letter of the alphabet and the word is still smooth to pronounce. If you actually listen to people saying different phonemes, then they always preface it with "a" because a is such an easy sound to transition into. Linguistically, if you've got a system with any sort of structure that has to handle a lot of kids, you would leverage this easy transition to stick as many unique A names in there as possible.
So I ask you again: why are two names with two drastically different phonemes with 15 letters between them right next to each other in an alphabetical order line?
Your replies are long. O.0 Mine will not be quite as long as yours, but I hope I have enough time to answer your questions and concerns entirely.
There are 26 pairs of teens in this "Affinity Group" that I am dealing with in this book. They are the 14th Affinity group to go through ARC, and each of pair follows a letter of the alphabet. So there is no alphabetical order for the A, but rather then entire group. For the group of teens they're in, they are the only A. Everyone else is B, C, D, and so on.
It's just another way to isolate them and make them their own Affinity, set apart from the rest.
And if you want a detailed explanation as to where the names came from, I was writing it with another YWS'er, and she liked Avery (since Avery is English), and I liked Ally. They both started with A, so it worked. And since we didn't have any other names starting with "A" to deal with, then we didn't see it as a problem.
I hope this clears everything up, and really, you are saying all this with no knowledge of my actual story, so please don't go to assumptions before you know. I think I confused you, though. So my fault, too.
Thank you for your critique, and your review. It is really appreciated.
Hmmm. Clears up a little. Not as much structure as I'd like, but I'm a linguist and have a strong instinct for phonology/naming structures.
So you admit the names were selected at random because they both started with A, and that also explains why there's the start.
I'm going to assume there are 14 other pairs of A before this?
I guess now I'm left wondering why the names are at random but w/e. Your choice. For me a system that names people would go AA, AB, AC, AD for pairings, but. *Shrugs* That's me.
Yes, there were fourteen pairs of A before this one (and ARC has been around for a century), and they happen every five years - or when the old group is finished with training.
And they were chosen at random because, to be completely honest, I hadn't thought about what you're telling me. This will require some thought from me, especially concerning the phonethingy problem you were talking about earlier (how they don't follow a pattern in the letters AA AB AC), which does make some sense. It's just that you're the first person to ever see it as an issue, or to even think about it. But to change their names would be, ugh, so hard. You know what it's like after writing a character for a long time. Their name becomes a part of them.
Thank you for the follow-up messages. Above and beyond what I asked you to review me for, and I am grateful for them. <3
Like I said. I am a linguist with a strong bent for naming schemes. xD
However it actually is possible to make the current names work with a scheme. L is the 12th letter and V is the 22nd letter, meaning you could have all pairings in A separated by ten letters. Therefore, another A pairing would be AF and AZ. If you made this the 12th cycle, it's absolutely bang on perfect for how the scheme should be. Or you could make it the first cycle didn't start with AA. Or they had logistics problems in the first few generations, so while it's the 14th cycle, the first two were completely random until they realized they had issues, so now they're at AL, and the 15th cycle would be AM and AW.
In order to make KA and KE work, you can go by third letter. Or you can just go by vowels, where A and E are together, Y and O are together, I and U are together, ect. Each set of names can have a different scheme.
Renaming characters is next to impossible so it's better to figure out how to make what you currently have work than anything else.
Thank you so much. I was worried for a while that you thought I should change the names altogether, which would be impossible - just like you said. I will work with that, and look at it and figure it out as best I can. You're right. Work with what I have, and just try to make it seem as though it actually works, rather than it seem as though the author made an oopsies and scrambled to cover their tracks. The cycle is completely flexible, and so I can really work with this and try to figure this out. Perhaps I should just find a quiet place, type out a spreadsheet and some helping stuff, and sort it all out.
Since this would be the fourteenth cycle, it would be AA AB, correct? Since they've already gone through thirteen cycles of people - AA-AZ. Hmm... Last cycle for Affinity, perhaps? Or since they've gone through it with one method, they're approaching it differently? But that still gives me the issue of K2 - Karsh and Keisha. Um, sorry. I guess I am just blabbering on to myself now. xD
I will work on it, and figure it out. Thank you for pointing that issue out, and you're completely right. I want no wholes in this at all, so it's good I am noticing this before I name every other character which'll be introduced later. xD
Thanks again!<3
So here's how I'd do it:
The Affinity began just randomly naming, no real scheme. This lasted two cycles. Then they got bigger, and realized they needed structure. The structure needed differentiation between names, so they picked 10 letters apart. The cycles, starting with cycle 3, became:
AA and AK
AB and AL
AC and AM
AD and AN
Ect.
You can also make it they did AAB, AAC, ect, for two cycles, only to realize the names weren't phonetically diverse enough, then they broke up the pairings by ten letters. So long as by the 3rd cycle they have an AA and an AK pairing, then these names are perfect. If you go with the second option, the third cycle would have a name that began with AAC to follow the old pattern.
No idea what to do for K, sorry xD K has a lot fewer names in it so the scheme should be different anyway.
AAC or AAD for the third cycle* Depends on if they did AAA first, but I doubt it xD So the third cycle would be AAD and AK then fourth is AB and and AL
So your idea is that there should be a different scheme per name? That would really work, because while Karsh and Keisha aren't as important to the story, their names seem set in stone, too. And I don't think I would have to give the legistics of every name set? Only a few? Because since they're just the trainees, I wouldn't think Karsh or whoever would give them a detailed explanation of A-Z. But I will definitely need one for each, anyway. Just so there are no issues.
I like your idea with the ten apart, and I was actually counting that off on my fingers while I was eating dinner... but then I counted off only five with Karsh and Keisha, and that stumped me. Didn't stump you.
I love your idea. May I use it, and tweak it as necessary? c:
Go for it. I gave it as a suggestion for you to use. (The idea is more different scheme per letter, but yeah)
I wouldn't actually go by letters apart for K, because most K names will have a vowel after them (K is what's known as a stop, linguistically, therefore phonologically it will not have many other sounds easily made after it). But you can study that on your own. See what scheme fits.
Also, once you hit AQ (Q being the 17th letter of the alphabet) I would make the next name in the pairing AA again%u2014 only for the second person. If you always give the first name to a boy and the second name to a girl, then you'll end up with a hugely diverse cast of names that fixes the ordering issue.
Also the best way to show the ordering of cycles would be, honestly, to have named characters from previous cycles show up. So the previous generation would be an AK and an AU. This is the type of thing you don't need to lay out in the open, but instead show as a background decoration for linguists to pick up and smile to themselves over.
Okay, I will study up and leaaarn about all that. And thank you for pointing it out to me. I will admit, at first I was annoyed because I thought you were slamming my names, and wanting me to change them entirely. But I think I am finally on at least the same chapter as you are, and hopefully to the same page by the time I study this whole thing out. I will study up, read your replies until I memorize what you mean, and then build a scheme.
Yeah, I agree. More like something inside the general zoomed-out version of the story, and anyone (like you) who sees these things will be able to appreciate. So you have helped me more then just with what I asked you to review me for, so thank you for that, too.
Affinity is going to be closed up for a while, while I study up and re-think both my plot and discover my voice yet again (by looking back at my better chapters and reading). But I hope if you ever see Affinity again, it'll be better to read. c:
Thank you for everything. One review from you is truly all I needed to see this entire book in a new light.