I wake the next morning, expecting to hear an alarm going off. Whether an automated clock set to ding me or the fire alarm. When I flash to a sitting position in my bed, I don’t hear anything. Not even the creak of a door in the distance, or shuffling outside. All is peaceful and quiet, just as it should be while everyone is asleep.
So why did I wake up so quickly?
I shrug the feeling off as easily as the clothes of yesterday fall off my shoulders—not having bothered with nightclothes last night. I leave the jumpsuit thing on the floor for now, stepping over it to slip on a new one for the day. As expected, I’m wearing the same color as yesterday—bloody-perfect white. Makes me want to take a mud bath right now.
The old jumpsuit is nudged into a corner, not knowing where to put it. I suppose I could fold it to match the others, and try to find a place anywhere. But I don’t care that much.
The shoes are comfortable enough, fitting my feet so well I know ARC must have measured me somehow. Or just known my size before I came in. Even though the first option sounds less stalkerish and creepy, I know the second is the more probable. ARC has been watching me for a long time, or so Keisha and Karsh said. I guess it doesn’t make a difference now, seeing as though they have complete control over everything to do with me. Sounds so lovely.
By the time I feel ready enough to leave the room, I hear movement on the opposite side of the door. When the soft footsteps stop at the edge of the door, I think Ally (or whoever) is going to knock—perhaps say hello. But instead of knocking, the footsteps retreat farther away, and a body falls onto the couch. Must be Ally. No one else would be out there—I hope.
Or at least I think it’s early. I look around with a frown at the walls, bare save for a single emblem etched across the top of the door. No clock to tell me the time, though. And since I have no window to the outdoors, or even know if this room is adjacent to outside, all I can do is guess the time.
After I come up with a random time: 6:45—then I leave the room. I could be an hour off, or almost an entire day. But I don’t care. The time has been solidified in my mind.
“Hey,” Ally says when he sees me.
He sits on the couch as he had yesterday, his legs and arms flopped all over the place. When I come up to him, he straightens his posture and makes room for me. I look down at the empty place beside him and begin to just wave my hand in dismissal—preferring to just stand here. But I take the spot, anyway. I suppose I won’t look as awkward sitting beside him as I will standing.
“Morning,” I say. My voice is nasally and forced. I shrug, knowing it’ll pass in an hour or so—and not caring, besides. “What’s on the schedule today?” Something tells me he doesn’t know.
“Um, more confusion?”
“My thoughts exactly.” I lean my head back against the couch back, ready to enjoy some momentary silence. But Ally interrupts it again.
“You know where food is?” I hear his stomach rumble at the mention, and mine replies. It helps me realize just how long I have had food—or until I think I’ve had some. Who knows how long I lied there on that cot, unconscious and alone?
“Maybe there’s a cafeteria or something? A mess hall?” I shrug my shoulders, trying to seem as though I don’t care. But my growling stomach tells Ally it’s all a lie.
“Maybe in a while, they’ll—”
“Good Morning, Affinities. This will your first of many initiation commands—given to teach you the proper schedule on your first morning.”
I find myself searching for the location of the voice again, and Ally does the same beside me. If only it were a simple thing, where I could break it to bring the silence back. But nothing will stop the commands and confusing information. I want to hit something.
“To learn your way about ARC, you will be given a tour about the facilities later today. But for now, go to your doors. Someone will guide you to your first assignment.”
Ally and I exchange glances. He looks somewhat excited over what we’ve been told. It means he can see the place as he wanted to yesterday. I just want to stay here—my little hidey-hole in this huge building. This unknown is too much to take in, making me want to just tuck myself into a corner and let the world rotate on its own. And I know on any tour, I am going to get angry. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll have to restrain myself with every bit of strength I possess.
“So I guess we do what the bloody voice told us?” I stand wobbly, clutching the couch-side for support as a wave of dizziness hits me. “Wait by the door? Sounds stupid to me.”
“Yeah, I guess just wait and see if anyone comes.” Ally sees my dizziness, and tries to steady me with one arm as he stands. But I push him away, letting go of the couch. The black spots flashing in my eyes retreat into the background, allowing me to concentrate on the room.
I make my way to the door, Ally tagging behind me like a follow-the-leader game. Not knowing what else to do, and just deciding I will somewhat follow the rules this time, I open the door and allow the whiteness to slam me in the face—boom. The brightness and dullness of it all makes me turn away to our room, where the lights are dimmer. At least in there, my eyes don’t feel like they’ve been wiped with sandpaper.
The door shuts behind us, and Ally leans against it. I just stand in the hall a bit, waiting and looking for someone to come and get us. I assume it’s going to be Ques because he’s the only person I know, but it could be Karsh or Keisha or even Bob the Builder to take me wherever. My first assignment? Sounds suspiciously like school.
There aren’t very many people in the hall, unlike yesterday where I had trouble walking, but more like a few people who actually look like they’re on a mission to get something done. Walking in pairs everywhere they go, wearing the infernal white clothes. So stupid looking and boring. They could have chosen an interesting colour—black or green or something.
A few other people just sit against doors like Ally does, off to my right in a continuous line down the hall. They look as I do—young and confused. A few of them bear scowls or just alone expressions. None are talking to each other.
“Someone’s coming,” Ally says. “Looks like Ques is coming this way.”
I turn my head in the opposite direction—following his nod to the only figure walking this way. At first he looks like all the other people walking down the hall, dressed in the white like it was some bridal jumpsuit. His arms are held close to the sides, and one hand lingers close to his belt as though a weapon rests there. The other dangles low, the hand of it seeming too short for the sleeve—
“It isn’t Ques.” I back up a few paces. Ques annoyed me with his recitals. This guy scares me, every fibre of my body warning me when he’s near. “It’s Karsh.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hi! FireBird99 here to review.
) but that kept me going. I was determined to figure out what the author had in mind. Even now, I still want answers. I'm not sure which questions I should be asking but I know there is a whole lot more to this story. Even if I have to wait years and years to finish this book, I want too. Good job so far on the plot =).
). If not, than I just did. Three words to sum up her personality (insert your favoritedash here XD)- strongheaded, guiltless, and overall a pain in the beehind xD. (Maybe that was more than three words, but you get the point =P)
So, I've decided to try and do something a little different with this review. I feel as if all my others were a little repetitive. Hopefully, I can try and help you out a bit more, not so much in encouragement as before, but with your writing. If it can be improved, mind you. xD
Okay, let's begin.
Plot~
I really like your plot so far. It is unique in its own way and not many people can pull off the 'experimentation of kids' story line all to well. That I like, anyway. Most stories like that, I'll admit, I've never been all that interested in. Yours on the other hand, I really like. You write it in such a way that the plot intrigues me and you leave me wanting more. You're doing awesome so far and the pace you are feeding us information is fine. At first I had no idea what was going on (It was as if I were an Affinity
Dialogue~
Your dialogue is good. I find you have just the right amount of description and actions in between the talking, so don't do any big changes there.=D
Characters~
All your characters are likable characters. EVEN KESH xD.
Kesh- I like how he is a big, strong, meanie haha. I know he has a soft spot in there somewhere and I'm waiting for it to come out. Although, if he isn't entirely threatening and their is something soft in there somewhere then don't bring it out until a while into the book. It's always fun to have those characters that keep you guessing.
Keisha~ Although she seems to be the nicer one I get this feeling that she is really the one you should be more threatened by. Don't ask me why, but the sneaky ones are always the pests. That's my gut feeling with her. =D
Ques~ As I have told you before, I realllllllllyyyyyyy like him. He is good ally material, I can just see it! If you kill him off I'll be sad BUT I find a sad book always sticks in my mind more and I enjoy them more too. Call me heartless when it comes to awesome characters dying, others have before XD.
Avery~ Have I ever told you that Avery has been my favorite name for a girl for ages (And when I say ages, I mean years
Ally~ Sometimes his name still confuses me when I'm reading but I think I am use to it now. He seems like a quiet, chill guy that can definitely hold his own. Well he'll have to if he's matching up with Avery haha. She sure has a temper. (Was she based of anyone in real life that you know, by any chance? XD). Great job on him =).
Bob the Builder~ I think I can guess one think about him. He builds. Did I get it, did I?XD
I think I got all the characters down so far. Now, nitpicks =P.Oops that should be singular. I mean nitpick.
This is only a suggestion so you don't have to do it, but when you say 'even Bob the Builder' it would sound and enhance the characters obvious confusion if you said 'even Bob the Builder, for all I know, to take me wherever'. Again, only a suggestion. Take it or leave it, it doesn't matter =).
I think that's all for now. I'm tired and I should probably get some sleep. I have a long day tomorrow. We have a family staying over through Holy Thursday to Easter Monday so that they can go to Mass, so I'll be a hostess for the weekend and we will be going to Mass and the Washing of the Feet tomorrow.
(If I don't get around to posting this, I wrote it on April 1. Yes, April Fool's Day and I didn't even get to fool you today.-___-)
Hope this helped,
FireBird99
Woah. This is theeee best review you've given me. I loveee it! <3 All of your comments and character profiles are amazing, and give me a lot to think about (makes me reconsider some aspects of their person, as well as establishes what my readers think of them).
I will continue writing this. Let's say it together. Timmy will continue writing this.
Yesss, go to sleeep. <3 Heh, April Fools passed. YAY. Uh, I mean, well, dang.
Thanks =). I figured it was past time that I let you know what my views on each and every one of them was. I hoped it helped. (It is always fun to know how your characters come out. I hope my input was what you were aiming for them?)
'TIMMY WILL CONTINUE WRITING THIS'. Together we will conquer the world, muhahahaha or...at least your writer's block xD.
Haha I'm tired again. The weekend was a rough one. We had the Easter Vigil and midnight Mass so we never got to sleep until late late. On top of that we had that family here so we couldn't just disappear and doze off haha. Anyways, I just have to catch up on my sleep now. No big deal, especially if I get to sleep in tomorrow.
Wow. Oh my word. How am I going to top Flite and Deanie's review? Okay. Calm.
hopefully. Lifes just been so busy! I got my exams coming up >.> eugghh. Hope you've been okay. I've missed ya
Hey, Tim! Ready and raring to review. I can not believe I've caught up again. Hopefully I can stick with each chapter as they come again
Okay. Need to reviewSo, I'm glad to see from the chapters you've added on that you've finally got back into the spirit of writing up Affinity! I can readily say I'm so pleased! I really took to your book. It is so fresh, and different. Although you've had your troubles with it (who hasn't had trouble with their book?) you've finally got back on track. All your loyal fans are pleased. Including me, who has been torn away from YWS for too long now!
Now, being a very nitpickedy person, I will begin:
Out of curiosity... why a fire alarm? That seems random to me, as it would panic every who was new into thinking there was a fire. Now, a) the facility people who run the place seem smart and probably wouldn't do something so stupid, and b) who wakes up thinking why is there no alarm or fire bell going off? Can you see what I mean? It seems a bit odd for Avery to think that. So I would just snip it out if I were you.
You've done it again! You're absolutely brilliant! Okay, so first off you set the scene off of Avery waking up. There is no alarm (or fire bell, hee hee) going off. There is no noise coming from Ally's room or from in there "apartment". There is no noise coming from outside. No voices. No shuffling no nothing. AND BOOM! A question we've all been asking goes through Avery's head. It was just perfect. It's got me dying to know. I'm desperate to find put. Good job :3
This sentence is slightly awkward. I can see what you're saying, but it feels a bit jumpy. Tell me if I'm wrong, or did you mean Avery took off her attire and didn't put any fresh bed clothes on? Because if so, then it would run smoother if you put: "and I didn't bother with any nightclothes last night". Ce?
Hmmm... by whoever do you mean Ques? Or by whoever do you mean Avery thinks she has forgotten Ally's name? I was just a little confused then. It's no biggie. If it was Ally you meant, then I think it would be more effective if you did what you did in the previous chapters by putting the wrong name. But it is up to you.
Hmm. It really makes me wonder how the facility works. I mean, they don't seem the type that would starve such brilliant minds. Maybe, just maybe, they set it put in a way they need to go to the cafeteria. I'm not sure. It bugs me to think they wouldn't feed the newbies for day or more.
Not sure if anyone has pointed this out, but you've forgotten to put "will be" in there
Ooo! This is getting exciting. Finally, we might get some answers. I've been waiting for this. I know some people have said that there needs to be some more action instilled in here, and viola! A voice! And it makes me thrilled when I read "schedule". What will be on this schedule? Will they meet others? It's so exciting!
Why would she want to break it!? She has been wanting answers, to get rid of the confusion, and this voice might lead them to answers--then why in the right mind would she would to break the speakers in which the voice is coming from? It just doesn't make any sense. I definitely would want to listen to it, if the voice was annoying or not. It just seems a little irrational of Avery.
I love Avery *wipes away tear*. She is a great character, and you've done great with her. Although it's been covered, I do agree with Deanie on the "bloody" thing. I mean, I'm English and I don't say it all that much. It depends on where abouts she comes from, but I would say you should still tone it down a little. Otherwise, I have no complaints
Wow! The ending is great! I bet Avery won't go on a rampage with him around. Hee hee. I'm so glad you've decided to get into the action of it all. I'm really looking forward to reading on. And I've seen you've acquired a lot more fans too. Well done for that! ^.^
Till next time, Tim!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Thank youuuu for this wonderful
bloodyreview. I really do need to work on her swearing vocabulary. xd I am thinking about resorting to some home-made jobs for her - more interesting. :p This review is amazing, and gives me lots to think about and edit. <333Yes, I've had quite a few more friends join the party.
Haha you're
bloodywelcome. It's fineee. Hmm... maybe you should you use words like "flipping" and "hell". I can imagine Avery saying "What the hell was that!?" xP Ooo. This sounds interesting. What like? And I'm glad! My first review in a month o.o <3333It deserves more followers!
Hai Timmy!
Put you at the bottom of my list? Pssh. I want to read Affinity and you can't stop me.
This is going to be a shorter review than before because the wonderful Flite has been here before me and basically said everything I would probably mention myself. I think this chapter was an improvement from the last, really. It's still not your best, but it does improve a bit. I liked what we saw of Ally in this chapter but Avery is starting to bother me a bit... explanation will come later. I am looking forward to finding out what their first assignment will be (hopefully something like eating) and knowing what the ARC is up to now. Ally seems to be more interested than finding out in comparison to Ally xD The descriptions were reasonable here as well, but they did add to the slow pace because you are going into the small details.
In this chapter you have the whole speech and then emotion and then speech again thing going on a lot less, but I can still detect the pattern there. Something will happen and then we will get Avery's emotional response, and then something else will happen... etc. So this chapter will also need breaking out of that chain. Yes, it is important to know her emotions but not about everything
I was surprised that Avery wasn't questioning whether these sudden dizzy spells and the waking up suddenly had anything to do with ARC. Maybe it doesn't at all, and maybe it does, but seeing as you are mentioning them I am supposing that they are important. Maybe it isn't to do with ARC or the facility, and maybe it's just something to do with Ally. But I would like to know more about it or possibly see some of her own suspicious. Maybe just wonder at what could be wrong with her.
When you write, one thing I think you really need to remember is that you should only mention the important things. Things which will add to the story. If it doesn't then it's a distraction from the plot and character development, which you shouldn't have there. That's why you try to only use words necessary and take away things that aren't important. Sure, you can mention that she discards the old uniform and leaves it on the floor because it shows how much she doesn't care about the facility. But don't give it anymore mention other than that. Descriptions should only be saved for the parts of the story that really matter.
Why was she expecting an alarm? The facility people hadn't told her anything, and for all she knows she should be allowed to wake up as well. And I think those two sentences should be joined because the latter one seems a bit weird on its own. How about 'expecting to hear an alarm going off, whether it would be an automated clock or a fire alarm.'
Okay, I know you are trying to bring across that she is English and all, but bloody is literally the only word she ever uses, and it is getting repetitive and a bit annoying >< You need to look up some more words and incorporate them as well because this is getting a bit too much for me
Hm, this was what I referred to before. She is debating what to do when you mentioned she simply left it on the floor before. So this whole part here seems unnecessary. Because she discarded it on the floor we already gathered that she didn't care. Maybe you were trying put emphasis on that fact but do remember that the readers are smart enough to gather things themselves as well. You don't need to walk us through everything in too much detail
Once we gathered that she didn't know the time, I stopped really caring what time it was. I mean, it's good that she made up her own time for herself, but other than that I saw this as also a bit unnecessary? It was too much for what could easily be conveyed in the once sentence previously mentioned. Also, instead of using the dash there, how about just saying she was making up the time as she was leaving the room? Gets rid of a pause, works in with the flow and all that ^.^ Besides, us girls are great at multitasking
I think this is what bothers me most about Avery's character. She seems to not care about anything. This happens, she doesn't care, this happens, she doesn't care. It makes her sound like a sulking immature child and I don't think that is the image of her you are trying to bring across...
Either you meant for the word 'be' to be there after will, or for will to be 'is' instead.
Heh. Have they really not realized that looking for the voice is as pointless as it was last time? I wouldn't mind them jumping or something, but they don't sound too smart once they gathered they can't find the speakers and are going to look for them again. I would've succumbed to not knowing where it is already.
Oh, and her response to hearing the voice sounds like exactly as it was last time, just with different wording. It may be another chapter but I think some people might pick up on this. It would be nice to have it be something different.
'Wobbly' seems a bit awkward here in the way you use it. Let's reshuffle the sentence and make it flow smoother. Maybe something like: I stand, wobbling, and clutch the couch-side... etc.
Oh no, the 'just' makes a return in this chapter! In fact, this one was more infested with justs than the previous one was
Again, these two words I have heard Avery use a bit too much when it comes to describing anything and everything. She needs a bit more variation when it comes to her vocabulary.
I think with this first assignment the pace could pick up a bit more, but it really depends on what the will be doing. I look forward to finding out! And hopefully it might improve Ally and Avery's relationship as well as develop their characters some more
Deanie x
Your reviews give me life, Livvy. ^.^ This is so helpful, and is going to really help me now that I am re-finding my style and my "path" with writing this novel. Tis so hard. >.< I will find the way eventually, though.
Thank you, yet again. This wasn't harsh in the slightest.
I'm back for more Timmy! Now, this one and the other half of this shall be done before I go to bed, unless I get distracted by Doctor Who which could be very likely. But anyways onto the actual review.
So this one is great, for it being further on into the book. The fact that we have further characterization going on. Clearly Avery's but through her eyes we can see Ally's as well. I love how well you manage to do that. It is something that I struggle to do, but it is something that I can trying to work on.
So the fact that you have them going to tour the facility makes it seem more real. It isn't just some place where they'll always be locked up into their rooms. It made me think of when you go to a new school- like boarding school- they show you around the school and teach you the rules and what is to be expected of you. This is what it seems like.
I really don't have a lot to say about this but I am also so tired and probably doing a terrible job at doing reviews right now. I just need to get back for good so I can get into the good reviews I've done in the past.
I'm just going to leave this here so I'm not just gabbering. So see you in 8.2 Timmy!
Thank you for the continuing reviews, Tulip. <3 You're the greatest.
Oh, your reviews are always lovely.
I am so happy to be receiving reviews from you again.
Hey Timtam, I'm finally here to review. I've put off this review for days because a)homework and stuff b) I really wasn't sure what I should say about it. So, this review is going to be somewhat weird because I'm stuffing several chapter here, and I'm mainly focusing on your story. Not so much the technical stuff.
But the one thing that I'm starting to see is that you're loosing my interest as in, there's nothing to grip me anything. Nothing in the story itself that propels me to read forward, in the space of the last few chapters, yes, I've seen more about what Affinity is and the facility. But I haven't really gained an insight into neither Avery or Ally. So basically a lull in character development.
I think your problem right now is that you're writing too much, to the point where a lot of things are excess stuff. One of the major problems I found was how much detail you put into Avery and Ally's relationship, almost too much in fact to the point where they're annoying me. I found that a lot of the things that Ally's saying is redundant. And it's been what, around four or so chapters since they've met and they've gotten nowhere character-wise. Avery is coming across as someone who is very stubborn and self-absorbed, Ally as a very generic, shy type of guy. But at the same time, we're also getting these sporadic little flashes that contradict those traits that seem to prevail since we've first met them.
^That was from 7.2, alright. So you have Avery feeling guilt here, and you could have developed this and used it as a turning point to pivot their relationship into something more. But instead, you've just left it there and let it continue as it is. I mean, there is really now reason as to why Avery should feel such perversion towards Ally. This is the guy she's spending the rest of her life with, shouldn't she at least try to know him?
So on top of that, there was no need for that piece of dialogue. Absolutely no need, we already know that their relationship isn't great from the previous chapter. So that dialogue was basically useless because it doesn't do anything, if you were using that dialogue to turn their relationship around and or to reveal more about Avery's motivation to her actions. That would be worth the while.
The same could be said for your recent chapters, they've all got the same vanilla taste to them. Especially the last three chapters, you've spent a lot of time describing what the facility looks like and what they think about it. Instead of doing that, I think you should push the plot a bit more and jumped straight to what you had at the end of this chapter. There is too much non-plot driven things in your chapter at the moment. Like your first paragraph.
One: Why is Avery expecting an alarm going off, you haven't given us any reason to think so. And so she randomly wakes up, that's normal. But why the stuff before it? Redundant.
NOOOOOO, she should not shrug the damn feeling off (it could have led to a plot (something)). But if she's going to shrug it off, then Timtam. Why in Ford's name are you even mentioning it? And don't you think Avery rambled on a bit too long about the colour of her clothes? Is just making me annoyed really, not so much developing her character.
See that description there, it really lacks depth to it. Everything in there is very two-dimensional and flat, such as Avery's statement to open the door. It doesn't make sense that all of a sudden just because she felt like it. She's now going to open that door, that sort of action and decision lacks depth. If you don't reveal what powers her to do that, then that statement is basically useless.
^Also the description there contradict each other, brightness and dullness at the same time? Is not specific enough, far too generic for us to get a clear image of what's going on. It seems like you're rushing these chapters in a way, I don't know if that's the case. But there isn't as much thought into it as you it is in the previous chapters.
So right now, I would focus on actually developing Ally and Avery by making them interact with other people and filter out the redundant things that doesn't do anything to drive the plot or says something about the characters. Also, watch how you write your descriptions you tend to add in a lot more unnecessary words. Less is more. Remember.
Sorry if this was harsh, Timtam. But you can handle it.
-Flite
RESA. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Yes, when looking back, my best chapters were 3 and 4, to me. And I think they started to degrade since then, and it's because I am writing them in a frenzied panic at the last moment before my deadline. I will really work on what you said, and build the characters, push the story forward. I have been thinking about this for a while, noticing that it's chapter eight already and nothing is happening. And, my descriptions are bland and yeah.
I will work on the redundancy. Yes, I can handle it. You write harshness in a way that makes me feel good, even if you're ripping my piece apart. Because you're kind about it.
Thank youuuu, yet again.
I've caught up! *will review later*
<333 you take your time.
Thank you for the review, my friend! :3 So yeah, the relationship is odd, and I am happy you see it that way, because she is going to have to change and come to like him throughout this.
So yayyy for that. xD And, yeah, the chapter is a fragment. Since my chapters are too long, I do them in parts to make it easier on my reviewers. :/ So this is 8.1 - and the next part will continue where this left off.
This review has been very helpful. Thank you so much. <3
Oh. I see. Thanks for explaining!