z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

IRONCLAW Chapter 3.2: Hound (end of chapter)

by kingofeli


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Alone once more, Charlie pulled the jacket tighter around herself, leaning against one of the rough sides of the tree. Letting her mind wander for the first time since her capture, she closed her eyes, settling into the warmth of the jacket and closeness of her hiding place. It was almost like a little room, cozy, tucked away in the recesses of the forest. Nature had carved out her own living place, just for her.

Well, for her and Vermillion.

Thinking of the dark-skinned girl brought a smile to Charlie's freezing face. Nobody had ever been as kind to her as Vermillion was, and they'd only known each other for less than twenty-four hours.

Charlie was the type of kid who was the target of bullies all throughout her school years, partially because of her submissive behavior and constant stutter that she'd tried to get rid of for years with no avail. It seemed strange, but maybe being suddenly dropped off on this island was a part of some kind of higher plan. Perhaps it was crucial to her life, to starting over, to making a name for herself. Perhaps she just had to get dumped on some barrier island in the middle of the ocean for her to figure out who she truly was. If that was the case, Charlie vowed not to be such a drag on Vermillion anymore. She would have to pull her own weight out here, that much she knew. She didn't know much about survival, but she'd read enough books to have some kind of idea on what to do.

Just as she was pumping herself up with her own thoughts, something broke her concentration. A low, deep snarl rumbled through the night air, coming from the outside of the tree. Charlie froze, suddenly, terrified. What made that noise? It sounded big. What if it was a bear or something? She hadn't seen any signs of large predators, but there was always the chance that she just hadn't noticed. Her breath quickening, Charlie huddled against the back of the tree, blood roaring in her ears.

It wasn't long before the creature came into sight. It was a large, brown, mastiff-looking dog, with jaws like a great white shark, and legs that looked as thick as saplings. Saliva dripped down from its mouth, giving it a feral, vicious look. Breath sticking in her chest, Charlie's big green eyes widened even more as she realized the danger that she was really in. The dog was heading straight for the narrow entrance of the tree, growling as it came. Then, it slowly lifted its head, black eyes connecting to Charlie's green ones. Its demeanor changed then, jaws opening to reveal rows of sharp teeth, snarling and barking as it lunged at the opening.

When she felt the air in her lungs, Charlie screamed as loud as she could, throwing herself back against the tree in a feeble attempt to get away from the dog.Where's Vermillion?! She has a knife! Charlie wanted to cry out her thoughts, but she was unable to do anything but scream as she kicked at the dog's face, trying to keep her feet from becoming the next victim of its massive jaws. She managed to land a good kick right on its nose, and the dog roared as it pulled back in pain, batting at its muzzle with one paw. Suddenly, strength and energy flowed through Charlie's veins, and she grabbed a rock from the ground, hurling it as hard as she could at the dog. It landed another hit between its eyes, and its head whipped up, focusing on Charlie again.

Before it had time to run back to the opening, a familiar voice cut through the air; "Hey! Over here, mutt!" The dog's head whipped around, and Charlie beamed as she recognized Vermillion's voice. Peering out of her shelter, another rock in hand just in case, she caught sight of the dog charging towards the girl, who stood at the ready. For a moment, Charlie feared that the dog would grab hold of her before she could get something to defend herself, but as soon as the red-head went to throw the rock, she was suddenly reminded that Vermillion was much, much stronger than she.

Lifting her metal arm into the air, she swung at the dog with the force of a wrecking ball, smashing into its side with a loud crack. The dog howled as it was thrown a few feet away from the sheer force of Vermillion's hit, landing paralyzed on its side. Standing straight as if she'd done nothing but swat a fly, the girl strode over to Charlie, crouching down in front of the entrance. A pile of firewood lay where she had previously been standing; Charlie figured that it'd gotten dropped when the dog charged.

"Are you hurt?" Vermillion asked, reaching out to examine Charlie herself. She didn't flinch as her fingers touched her face, though they were cold as ice. All she did do was shake her head in response, curled hair bobbing about her face.

"No, I, uh, managed to kick it and keep it, uh, away. It couldn't get past the, uh, entrance, it was too big." Her adrenaline was just now fading, and she started to shiver again as the cold set in once more. "M-mostly I was just scared, b-but then I, uh, thought that I should t-try to, uh, defend myself, f-for once. I d-didn't know how f-far away you were."

Squeezing in through the entrance to rest next to Charlie, Vermillion laid against the bottom of the wall, chest heaving in and out hard. Her breath fogged in the air, along with Charlie's, looking as if they were forming clouds in the tight space. Sniffing, Charlie spoke again.

"I-I've decide that I w-won't be such a big d-drag on you, Vermillion. I d-don't want to f-feel like you have to--I mean like I'm--like you h-have to p-pro-protect me all the time."

Vermillion was quiet at that for a moment, resting her head on the leafy covering of the ground. Her eyes stared out through the opening, watching the whimpering dog still outside. It wouldn't be able to move for a while, but when it did, she wanted to be ready.

"Well, thanks fer the effort, kid. 's more than I can say fer some kids like you I've met." She paused for a moment, closing her eyes. "I got wood, but since that dog's out, I'm guessin' our captors sent 'em after us. I'd rather not give 'em an easy target, y'know?" Charlie nodded in understanding, stretching out beside her to follow her line of vision. They resembled two cats, lying motionless on the ground except for their breathing, looking out at the clearing ahead. "You should rest. Ya' need it more than me."

"I can stay up for a bit." Pressing into her warmth, Charlie still closed her eyes as she shifted. "There was something strange about that dog..." Vermillion heard a yawn in her voice, and she pushed back a little against Charlie's weight, feeling her breathing start to slow a little.

"Yeah. There's somethin' strange about everythin' here, kid."


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Mon Dec 08, 2014 5:11 am
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

Haven't read any previous parts. Just going off what I see here.

First off.

The whole "never felt this way before" is a very overused and very problematic trope, because it reinforces the idea of One True Love and while it's nice to have it between lesbians, that doesn't make the concept behind it any less problematic. It's still a girl who's never felt love before, which leads to people thinking girls are incapable of having romantic feelings until True Love, which leads to a whole host of other things.

Even between lesbians, it's boring from a writing standpoint. Once you've set somebody up as The Nice One, then there are only three possibilities: 1- they're the love interest. 2- they're going to betray the main character. 3- both. In order to keep things unpredictable, you should avoid anything that leads to so few possibilities. The fact you mention her only a few paragraphs later and the whole start of this section is absolutely nothing but Charlie wanting Vermillion... yeah. It ends up as a one note plot in which I can see a romantic plot tumour starting to grow and I don't want to keep reading because, right here, you've told me romance will be Very Important to the plot and character development.

And yes, this still applies even though I haven't read anything else.

Readers can spot these moments at any time in the story. You can have a rock solid plot that shows no inkling of romance, then a few chapters in the True Love comes along and the heroine (it's almost always a heroine) is swept off her feet and the plot takes a sharp right into romance land. This can make people put down a book at any time, so you can't take sharp veers into romance land even if you're writing a romance. Once you've taken such a plunge, readers basically know exactly what's going to happen, romance wise, and you've lost suspense.

Focus on other things. Make it subtle. Make it natural. Don't pull "she was the first person to treat her nicely ever". That wrecks any suspense.

Second off.

Word choice. You could polish up yours. Cull the word "suddenly" from your vocabulary, along with other words on this list. They do not lend anything to your writing.

There's also such things as "opened" vs "lip curled". "Opened" is a word that has a certain amount of slowness to it. You also set up the writing for the dog not being aggressive with "demeanour changed"— changed is a very nice word. Shifted is slightly more sinister, or even saying "demeanour twisted" to indicate that it has gone worse.

You have this overall tendency to say a soft, imprecise word first, then you refine the description into what you actually mean. Stop doing that. Say what you mean, at the exact intensity you mean it, from the very start. This is what I like to call commitment to the emotions of the piece, and it's critical to mater in order for your writing to invoke emotion. Right now, I'm left wondering why you didn't say just how bad it was first, so I can feel it at the same time as the character.

Overall, this is rough. You have such a bright spotlight on the designated love interest that it's washed out the fact this is an action/adventure story and she's got to survive with this girl when she has no survival skills, and your word choice is soft and imprecise. Toning down the intensity on romance and turning up the intensity on the setting will help you tremendously.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




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Mon Dec 01, 2014 5:53 pm
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Firepower13 wrote a review...



Yo! It's Firepower, and I brought that review you requested!

My immediate thought while reading this chapter was regret that I hadn't read the other ones, so I could get the proper context and enjoy it more. That being said, it was easy enough to follow what was happening here without having read the rest of the story, which is an achievement for you. (I'm still going to read through the rest later.)

So, I didn't notice much wrong here. I thought the dialogue was written oddly at first, but then I realized that it's because one has a stutter and the other has an accent. It reads a little funny, but the effect of actually knowing how a character speaks is huge, so that's good.

In the beginning of the story, you have a paragraph about how Charlie was teased when she was younger. The paragraph itself is written quite well and develops her character, which is crucial, but it seems out of place in a chapter full of tense action and violence. If I were you, I would relocate it.

Also, I love the theme. I saw Cast Away recently. It reminds me of that.

-Firepower




kingofeli says...


Thanks so much for the review! Charlie's backstory isn't as out of place when it's in with the whole chapter, as this is just the second half.




One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah