Hello.
Haven't read any previous parts. Just going off what I see here.
First off.
The whole "never felt this way before" is a very overused and very problematic trope, because it reinforces the idea of One True Love and while it's nice to have it between lesbians, that doesn't make the concept behind it any less problematic. It's still a girl who's never felt love before, which leads to people thinking girls are incapable of having romantic feelings until True Love, which leads to a whole host of other things.
Even between lesbians, it's boring from a writing standpoint. Once you've set somebody up as The Nice One, then there are only three possibilities: 1- they're the love interest. 2- they're going to betray the main character. 3- both. In order to keep things unpredictable, you should avoid anything that leads to so few possibilities. The fact you mention her only a few paragraphs later and the whole start of this section is absolutely nothing but Charlie wanting Vermillion... yeah. It ends up as a one note plot in which I can see a romantic plot tumour starting to grow and I don't want to keep reading because, right here, you've told me romance will be Very Important to the plot and character development.
And yes, this still applies even though I haven't read anything else.
Readers can spot these moments at any time in the story. You can have a rock solid plot that shows no inkling of romance, then a few chapters in the True Love comes along and the heroine (it's almost always a heroine) is swept off her feet and the plot takes a sharp right into romance land. This can make people put down a book at any time, so you can't take sharp veers into romance land even if you're writing a romance. Once you've taken such a plunge, readers basically know exactly what's going to happen, romance wise, and you've lost suspense.
Focus on other things. Make it subtle. Make it natural. Don't pull "she was the first person to treat her nicely ever". That wrecks any suspense.
Second off.
Word choice. You could polish up yours. Cull the word "suddenly" from your vocabulary, along with other words on this list. They do not lend anything to your writing.
There's also such things as "opened" vs "lip curled". "Opened" is a word that has a certain amount of slowness to it. You also set up the writing for the dog not being aggressive with "demeanour changed"— changed is a very nice word. Shifted is slightly more sinister, or even saying "demeanour twisted" to indicate that it has gone worse.
You have this overall tendency to say a soft, imprecise word first, then you refine the description into what you actually mean. Stop doing that. Say what you mean, at the exact intensity you mean it, from the very start. This is what I like to call commitment to the emotions of the piece, and it's critical to mater in order for your writing to invoke emotion. Right now, I'm left wondering why you didn't say just how bad it was first, so I can feel it at the same time as the character.
Overall, this is rough. You have such a bright spotlight on the designated love interest that it's washed out the fact this is an action/adventure story and she's got to survive with this girl when she has no survival skills, and your word choice is soft and imprecise. Toning down the intensity on romance and turning up the intensity on the setting will help you tremendously.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
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