She says it like she is just stating the truth, not insulting me. There is nothing else inside her voice to tell me she meant to make me angry. She is just giving opinion hand-outs.
“Avery.” I find myself taking the name and rolling it over my tongue, just like I had with my own. One more thing to digest. “I think it’s a wonderful name, especially because you look like you belong to it.”
“Well, you look absurd with that silly gown on, so perhaps your name fits you, too.” Avery looks about the room, but only in a sweeping glance. The couch seems to be the present concern of hers. She approaches it with a smile, and then runs her hands down the soft leather. “I will say one thing: they have good taste.” And she sinks down into the tan cushions, closing her eyes to the world with a smile—the first I have seen crease her lips.
“So, uh, where are you from?” I ask, but then realize what a stupid question it is.
She just gives me a blank look. “Where I’m from. Right. I’ll get on that straight away.” Adjusting her gown so it doesn’t cling to everything as mine does, she notices the doors set against the side wall. She motions to them with a silent question flashing across her face.
“Yeah, that seems to be the only thing which could remotely have a bed and change of clothes,” I say. I notice her gaze switch from the door to me—then back again. I am in her way, the only thing between her and what could be her chance to change.
She shakes her head and pushes past me, shoulder brushing against mine as she claims the door to my right. Her fingers brush against the polished knob, but then hesitate before turning.
“You going to change, too?” She nods to the other door. “You can claim the last one if you like.” I sense the laughter in her voice at the last few words. Only one door left, but I can claim it all I like.
“Uh, thanks,” I say. Even though I am tempted to smile along with her, my mouth remains set in a straight line, refusing to cooperate. “I guess I will see you later, then?
“Not for a while, at least.” She attempts to turn the knob, and comes to a jerking stop, the door refusing to budge. “The bloody door won’t open.” A frown creasing her face and she tries again—this time using the weight from her body against the door, trying to break in like a burglar.
“Uh, I don’t think that will work,” I say. Trying my door seems rather pointless, but I try anyways, just attempting to turn the knob once—then giving up.
“Thanks, you genius.” She steps away from the door and crosses her arms, staring at the door as if she can bore a hole through to the other side. “There has to be a way in. Maybe if we both put our weight against it and shove—”
I turn the fob over in my hand, realizing it has been in my hand this entire time. The metal feels warm inside my palm, having been against my skin for so long. Ques said it would only work once for the door outside, and then it was useless.
“Do you think?” I hold the fob by the chain, watching it pendulum back and forth. “Maybe these doors are the same?”
“Worth a shot,” she says. “Maybe the stupid thing will work.”
She stands in front of the door just as Ques had shown me, holding the fob in her hand and glowering straight ahead. It’s almost creepy to watch—like she’s taking a mug-shot or a purposefully terrible photograph, and the door is the camera.
After a moment, she looks down at the knob. “If this thing didn’t work, I am gonna kill someone.”
I realize with some alarm that I am the only person in the room, and she probably isn’t talking about the spider above. But one quick glance at her physique calms me down. Easily six inches shorter than I am, built considerably lighter—and I have always been a skinny guy. Or at least I think I have. Her hands look soft and white, like they have never seen sunlight nor work. The only thing that would make anyone intimidated in the least is her expression, which makes me think she considers the entire world against her.
And every corner, every doorway, every bug—they all deserve a scowl from her. Makes me really happy that she is here with me. Now I can receive the majority of them.
She tries the knob again with a pointed glance at the fob, and I just know that if the door doesn’t open, the fob will find itself hurled across the room the smash against the far wall. But the knob turns beneath her hard push, and she waltzes into the room without a further word.
“Uh, goodbye, then,” I say to the closing door. I receive a distracted mhm in reply, which tells me that she heard what I said, but doesn’t think it merits reply.
I repeat what she did, holding the fob and staring straight ahead—paying no mind to the fact that I probably look as zombie-ish as she had. Staring slack-faced into a doorway would cause any bystander to wonder what funny-farm I have been taken from, but there is no one to watch. Since Avery shut the door behind her, there’s only me and the lone spider spinning a web in the far corner.
After thirty seconds of gazing ahead, I grasp the knob and let myself in.
Author's note: Sorry for shortness. Not going to become a "thing". It was just the right time to stop.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER BEFORE I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE TO CORRECT UNTIL I GET MORE INTERNET!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! *SNIFFLES LOUDLY AND REACHES AROUND FOR A KLEENEX*
Hello *sniffles* I *sniffles* don't *sniffles* have *sniffles* any *sniffles* more *sniffles* chapters *sniffles* until *sniffles* I *sniffles* get *sniffles* internet *sniffles* tomorrow * sniffles louder*
*Adult side of my brain* - That might be a good thing since you should probably get some sleep because you have to work at the library tomorrow.
*Reader side of my brain* - Thats not fair! I just want to read more!
*Childish side of my brain* - I agree with Reader/Fun! I want more. =P
This review, isn't going to be a long once since there isn't much wrong with it that I can see... it was very good and kept me entertained. Love it * two big thumbs up* I love Avery and Ally's reactions to each other, very well written. You have written Avery excedinly well. Its kinda funny how much she reminds Annie of me lol I will admit she is a lot like me, even down to her temper :s But you have to see it from her point of view, she has a right to be angry. I would be just as angry, if not more so than she is in her postion.
*inserts quote from 'Monsters vs. Aliens' here * She wakes up in a strange place, full of strange things, imprisoned by a strange person, strange isn't it?
Have you ever watched Monsters vs. Aliens? If not I highly suggest it *nods head* its funny xD Havent watched it in FOREVER!
GrAmMaR sTuFf - You wrote - '“Uh, goodbye, then,” I say to the closing door. I receive a distracted mhm in reply, which tells me that she heard what I said, but doesn’t think it merits reply.'
It should be - “Uh, goodbye, then,” I say to the closing door. I receive a distracted "mhm" in reply, which tells me that she heard what I said, but doesn’t think it merits reply.
That is all I spotted. I look forward to tomorrow so I can read more of your work!!
Seeya, mo chara!
~Selina
I've never watched that movie, but man I want to. >> The preview makes is seem so hilarious. xD
You work at the libary? D: Can I just say that's super super cool? I'll fix that grammar issue. Thank you for spotting it for me.
IT'LL BE HERE WHEN YOU RETURN. Thank you. <3
Monsters vs. Aliens is really really hilarious. You HAVE to watch it =P
Yeah, every second Tuesday. It is fun, I work with a ton of kids at story time, which I love because its fun to see all the different types of people. Plus internet ;P
Welcome =)
Oops. I just realized I had read this a while back and didn't review it. Well, I'll just do a comment this time. A short but sweet comment xD. Awesome job. I love how their not but are getting along at the same time. Great job! =)
Thank youuu, Annie. <3
Your welcome =)
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
I'm just loving the way Ally and Avery are getting along. Really, it's exactly the way I expected it. Ally is more reserved while Avery is always in your face and angry at everything. They'll get used to each other soon, I'm sure, but for now they're just testing each other out. I'm surprised that Ally hasn't said once that Avery is annoying. I was so sure that he'd find her so. If he does, he's doing a good job at hiding it. We'll see what he thinks as time goes on.
I really don't have much else to say, I'm sorry. But it is another shorter part and there isn't much that happens here either. Sometimes there's just those kind of chapters. The two of them are finished the test and got their answers -- not all of them, but a lot of them -- and are now just trying to get along. It's so simple that it really works. We've spent all these chapters wodering what's going on and now we know. So of course there's going to need to be a, or many, chapter of downtime to give us, and the characters, a break. This seems to be this chapter.
With the way that Avery is acting, I can't wait to see their first day of training. It'll be interesting to see how she responds to whoever is going to train her. Authority that doesn't give her answers doesn't seem to be high on her list right now :3
You know, I can totally see Ally and Avery having a brother/sister relationship. Ally could end up being like the older brother and Avery will be the sister that always gets into trouble. Ally seems so calm around her that I'm sure he'd be able to calm her down if she starts getting snippy with people. I love the personalities you gave the two of them. I think they're great choices.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Their first day of training is going to be sooo much fun to write. heehee But that's a while away, yet.
This relationship will be seen as you go through. hehe It took me a while before I decided what kind of relationship I wanted, but now I know. c:
Thank you, yet again for all these wonderful reviews you're giving me. They're so helpful. <3
Oh-kay, I know right away this will be a short one. Still, I feel like I should share my thoughts. I'll knock this out before I go to bed, then I only have chapter six left, yay!!
I have nothing to say nitpick-wise because - erm - everyone has already been here and covered everything. I am so late (do push me for reviews, it's only fair).
I like the change of pace that you've got going on here. The story is slowed so we can learn about how Ally and Avery interact/work as a pair. This is still not so slow that people are getting bored, which is pretty difficult sometimes. Personally, I think we as readers need the story slowed because it's so important that we understand the pairing. Like I mentioned a while back (on another chapter), this place is all about the pairing and training them to work as a unit.
I'm really intrigued as to the point of having these harmonious teams. My head is exploding with possibilities! It also seems like something one knows the story must explain. It will be amazing when the big reveal happens. I can't get over how good you are at suspense.
That'll be all from me this chapter. I'll be onto the next one very soon, hopefully.
Keep writing - I can't wait for the next chapter!
Thank you for the review! As always, so helpful. I was worried about the pacing, so its good that you think of it as fine. I think you can expect the big news coming straight up! Hopefully, if I can get my act together.
Don't panic, Timmy. I want to get IF done, too. I was impressed by my speed posting this time, despite death by school.
Hai Timmy!
Oh no, now I am even falling behind on your chapters as well >< Oh well, here is to trying to catch up a little bit and see what use I can be here. I see that the wonderful Traunt has already reviewed, and although I didn't cross check mine with the reviews below to see if they repeat, I hope I don't do so. Apologies if I do.
So now we get to see more of them being stuck together in this room. I liked seeing Avery's reaction to everything, and how all she wanted to do was rest and is seemingly feisty at the moment, which might be because she is being left so much in the dark and forced to do a lot of things against her will. And can I just say how much I admire your character building. Through his words alone and the things Ally notices we can tell he is a shy, observant and kind guy. Even after Avery says a pretty rude comment about his name, he still then goes and compliments hers. Now that takes real kindness. Also, I loved the description you slipped in of her appearance. Describing what a character looks like can always be something troublesome, but you managed to put it in smoothly and effectively. You get all the admiration for that ^.^
There isn't actually anything wrong with this sentence, so I won't dwell on it. But I am not sure what I think about the idea of opinion hand-outs. It just didn't work for me, and I think you could put the same things in a much better way :/
I wonder - Ally doesn't feel hurt or bothered in the slightest by Avery's statement about his name? I mean, he has only had this name to himself for a few hours or less, and he likes the sound of it. It's the only thing he has that he thinks he knows of his previous life, and it's his anchor right now. Or seems like it. So I was surprised that there is no mention of his emotions whatsoever when Avery has a bite of him. I know I would've been offended, and within my right I would be as well.
Lots of brushing is going on here xD How about switching up the vocabulary a bit more. I liked the use of brushing most in the first sentence, so try and think of something different for the second one.
Anyways is technically slang, you know. No 's' on the end needed.
I didn't really understand how Avery scowling mad him happy? Because now her attention was on him, or what? I'm a bit confused. I also was surprised to see a half sentence, especially as we are getting things from Ally's point of view. I always thought the style reflected the character, because we got more sentence fragments when it came to Avery and everything was so proper when being told by Ally. Which made me shocked to see something that wasn't a full sentence in this particular chapter. Be consistent within style ^^
When Ally opens the door, or possible closes it behind Avery (one of the two, I remember) I am surprised he didn't even take a peek into the room. He sounds like a curious guy. You could even have him only see colours because he was closing the door too fast, and then be annoyed at himself for not thinking of closing the door slower or something. I know you are trying to leave the suspense building up to the room for the next chapter, but it would be nice to see something go a little off of planned here at the moment.
This was a short chapter, but a pretty good one as well in my opinion. I don't believe there is anything more for me to cover. Looking forward to getting the chance to read chapter six!
Deanie x
[qupte]I see that the wonderful Traunt has already reviewed, and although I didn't cross check mine with the reviews below to see if they repeat, I hope I don't do so.[/quote]
You're so sweet Deanie <3
Thank you for the amazing review, Livvy! You really help me out every time, and always find sooo much for me to fix and work on. <3
Heather's reviews are amazing, aren't they?
Hiiiiiiiiii. Hee hee. Sorry for the late review. I'm usually punctual.
Hmmm... short chapter. Oh well! Quantity doesn't matter. It is quality.
I'm afraid my review will be short <3 Me not feeling in the greatest of review moods. I guess it is because NanoWrimo is on my mind
I'll try my best all the same.
*reads aloud* Umm... nope. This sentence is a tad bit awkward. We shall have to reword, Timothy, dearest. Yes. How about: "There is no hint to her voice saying she wanted to anger me." Ce?
I thought this was typical Avery
I never really realized how rude she is. Like I said previously, she is a speak-what-I-think kind-of person - but I never thought, "Hm. She's not a very kind girl." It makes me question if I really like her or not.
Meh. Me don't like the wording of this. I felt as if it should say: "the first I have seen the creases beside her lips." I dunno. It just came across as a little awkward, so I think you should change it
By the way - I loved how you gave Avery that *what to call it?* love of the sofa she came across. I mean, when I see some piece of furniture I like in ... say a house... I will just collapse in a heap on the comfy chair and sink into it. (Because I wouldn't jump on a sofa in a Furniture store). It just gave Avery that human feel to her. When I was doing my Pre-writing Journal, I loved doing the Character Profiles. Adding in the little notables about each character made me happy. I love creating people! Sooo fun.
Um... awkwarddd... O.O
DUN DUN DUN. REDUNDANCY. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
Ahem... you kinda repeated what Avery just said xD It seemed a bit pointless.
Did I mention that you didn't put "Ally" on your heading? ^.^ Have you just decided not to bother? *is curious*
You is missing your speech marks
Tries... anyway(s)? Uh-uh. I don't think the "s" on the end should be there, m'dear. It doesn't feel right.
Hahahaha. Mug-shot. That made me laugh. Me like that.
Sarcasm?
"Then smashed" it should be
Great ending! I cannot wait to find out what is awaiting them in that mysterious room. Clothes? Beds? Ooo. So curious. You do it to me every time! Hahaha. Always leave me wondering and raring for the next amazing chapter <3
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Oh dear. The time I wrote this really shows! hee-hee Thank you for showing me all these things I need to fix, Heather. I always love your reviews, and they always help me so much. I am still working with Avery's character, and I am not sure if I like it right now, so I may tone her down just a teensy bit. Not sure right now. I want there to be a definite tension between them, but I am not sure if this is the way to do it.
Thanks, again. <3
It doesn't! It is a good chapter. Don't stress over it
us reviewers are just picky ones.
Thanks, lovely. Though you are a much better reviewer than me! I do try my best though. Hee hee.
Well, she's bound to be. My characters are still works-in-progress. Yours are. Everyone's are. Don't worry none. I'm sure you'll get her just right soon
Welcome <3
First off, this is short? (Okay maybe it looks bigger in my phone xD).
Hiya Timmy!
Okay, first thing first *is chapter five finally done?* Just kidding, just wanting to read more and I promise I will update mine as well!!!!!!!!
So even though this is short it shows some amazing characterization. The different interactions between the two of them is starting to show some sort of relationship. Even though we can't tell anything yet, it looks like its go into be really rocky at the start. But again they did just meet each other.
I loved the entire piece, nothing treally to nitpick is time round. But slap me and call me a liar if someone finds something. (But no really don't do that.) I'll give you a few of my favorite parts instead.
Oh, look she has feelings. No I liked this because it shows she is something other than a defient teenager. Even if it is over a couch.
Oh, this is funny. I could almost imagine it being a camera and all of the hilariously weird looking selfies that would come from it.
But that's all in have for you today, Timmy.
Keep Writing,
Tulip.
Thanks for this review, Tulip! As always, so, so encouraging.
Hurry up with your book, will ya?
I jhas not enough points and not enough time in the day
Intriguing! This is the first of your book I've read (probably not a great idea), and I really like it! I'm really excited to read more!
Thanks!