Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Crimson Tales, Chapter One: Me, me, me. Oh yeah, me.
I hated the word ‘no.’ Now, if someone were to tell me, “No, you can’t drink Bleach.” Then I’d be thankful for the use, other than that: I hated it. I also hated anything negative. So… I guessed I would talk about that.
I’m not going to give you my name, or my age. I would hate for anyone to judge me off of that, again… Besides, I also dislike beginnings where the MC tells you (the reader) everything about them. All you should know about me is that I hate the word ‘no’ and everything negative. I’d say I was off to a great start.
Now… I think I need to add some description.
Sitting at my desk, my pen shook in my hand as I try to get my words across. Every time the ink smudges, I flinched. This can’t be imperfect. Everything has to be up to the highest standards to please anyone, and that’s what I’m supposed to do. Please everyone. My hands continued to shake. This was never going to be perfect.
That was good, right? The reader can see the scene? Am I a good writer now? Am I no longer a baby? Wait, I had given some of it away.
Darn it.
My feet kicked against the gravel as I continued to think about the beginning of my novel/rant. The sun hit against my back as I tried not to sound like a bitch, too late. I knew I came off as snippy and unable to communicate, I hated when I come off like that. Ugh.
Someone tapped my shoulder, bringing me out of my musings. It was her. Freaking great, just freaking great. I’d love to go into detail about her oak brown hair, or cold blue eyes, however, I did not feel like it. I did not feel like anything. I did not even feel human.
“Hey, Crim. You ‘right?” that was her stupid perfect voice… I hated her. I freaking hated her. She was everything I wasn’t: pretty, popular, old enough, and overall a good person. Not, I am not implying that I am the opposite of all of that; I’m just different than that.
“Yeah, J-Jas, I-I’m fine.” I think I have said this before, but I hated her. She would always check up on me when I was brooding, or mad. My mouth always went dry when talking to people, and when talking to her… I tremble a little.
Not that trembling is bad, not at all. I find it a bit cute at times. However, talking with people that are better than me give me the shakes. I lose the will to actually do anything but obey their every command. Crap, I sound odd.
“So,” Jas tried to continue the conversation with me. I was still sitting on the school steps, my feet continuing to kick away the grey rocks. “Baby, how are you?”
FREAK. I’m not calling her a freak, no not at all. That’s just my replacement for swearing. Perhaps, bleep is better? Okay, I’ll start over. BLEEP. Wait, it has to be in italics to show emphasis to not hurt the readers’ eyes… Ugh. Bleep.
Baby was not Jas’ term of endearment for me, bleep, not at all. We’re not together or anything, I’d spend my days miserable with her. She’s just so… controlling. Wait, how’d did I list her as a good person? How is she a good person? I mean, she was pleasing to the eye, but she's not my type of dating material. I would want someone... I didn't know...
Jas gave money to the poor on a weekly basis, she goes to church, she loves children, oh what else? I see her getting As and Bs all the time, the teachers find her smart, boys love her. I think that makes her good.
I’m trying to portray her as the bad guy, Zeus darnnit!
Okay, she calls me baby… because I am younger than most. In fact, the first words she said to me was, “Eleven? Oh gosh, you’re practically a baby.” Shit, I gave away my age. Crap, you guys are going to judge me. Bleeping hell…
I’m not a baby.
I’ve never been one.
Well, that’s a lie. I was one… once upon a dream.
However, I am no longer one and would like to be called… a ‘tween’, perhaps? Or, ‘a person.’ It would be even better if someone was to not really go into it at all and just talk to me like I was an actual person. However, I am not. I have to accept that. Bleep.
I realized I’d have to talk to her, so, I just opened my mouth, hoping for words to fly out. “Ye-yeh.” I quickly closed my fly trap and looked away. I didn’t want to talk to no one. Not right now. Not ever. Bleep. I used a double negative. That makes it positive, right? Or is that only in math.
Jas’ voice was like a river, flowing and calm, “Do you need an adult, someone to help you? Is the homework too much for you? I can help you if you want.”
Homework has never been a problem for me, even though I gripe and complain… it’s never really been hard. The fact that she assumed I was upset because of the homework is insulting. Was Jas insulting my intelligence? B-witch had gone too far now.
“N-nah. I got it done during Study Hall. No worry!” I had given my voice a cheerful tone, maybe if I sounded happy she would go away. Fat chance.
Of course she still wanted to talk, “Are you sure? It was awfully hard for me.”
Well, witch, if you could not do it… what makes you think you could help me. Stay outta my bleeping way and we’d be fine. “Nah, g-got it all done.”
“Okay, Crim!” stupid cheerful voice, “You’ll be on chat tonight, right? I miss seeing you on there.”
‘I miss seeing you on there too,’ was not my response. I’d actually started to avoid going on the internet because of her. “Yeah, fine Jas.” Shit, I was going to have to go on tonight. F-
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Pen here for with a review, just for you!
Hiya Raven! First off, I want to commend you on how much I relate to how you began with this. I feel as if I need to make everyone happy, and everything has to be perfect. I nearly burst into tears when asking something because I'm afraid of being told 'no'. So, that makes me want to read more because I feel as if I know what Crim is going through.
Secondly, your sentence structure and writing styles are nearly perfect, I just want to urge you to make sure your parallel structure is correct. If one part says, “My pen shook in my hand,” the next part's tense needs to match. So It would say “As I tried” rather than 'try'. Since shook is in the past tense, try should be, as well. Just a reminder that parallel structure is important, too!
I also love how even though Crim is eleven, she has a very adult mindset, she even goes as far as cursing, which is supposed to show maturity, (though most find it barbaric and immature...)
Another reminder about parallel structure~
In fact, the first words she said to me was,
Since 'words' is plural, you want 'was' to be plural, too.
'In fact, the first words she said to me were...'
Much better, no?
And as Anc said, you need to make how she speaks or thinks match how she acts. It's important to give her a strong voice that gives her a “likable” character.
You also want to slow down the action by adding description. Its important to incorporate all five of your sense, how the gravel felt underneath her feet, how warm the air was, or even how Jas smelled. You add a lot of what she sees, but not what she hears or tastes, or smells. Those add character to your story, and you don't even have to go into deep detail about everything, just a vague idea of what everything is like through Crim's eyes.
Now onto Crim's character...
She's funny. She obviously doesn't like to be underestimated, and is irritated when Jas is condescending to her. She's got an attitude and that's entertaining to see in a protagonist.
Until next time...
Happy Review Day!!!
-Pen
Hello, darling!
This does have potential, but I just... don't like it. I think it's partially because you seem to be switching between past and present tense throughout this whole piece, and this first sentence is almost like a guarantee that it should all be in past tense.To start off, let's talk about hooks. I know you know what a hook is, but my problem with this piece right now is that you don't have one. You have one that could be interesting, but it's kind of offset by your continued three paragraphs of clarification and breaking of the fourth wall, and you have a lot of tense issues to boot when it comes down to it.
I think you need to pick one tense and go through the piece to edit and make sure that everything is in past, or everything is in present. You can't have sentences like: That's the most blatant one I could find in the first few paragraphs -- first you have the ink that smudges in the present tense, and the character flinched in the past tense.
This feels really awkward to me. I think it's because you use "I did not" instead of "I didn't" -- the character feels like one who would use contractions, and because you're writing this in first person, you've got to make sure you have her voice down pat. You slip into this awkward formality from time to time that drags the reader out of the story.
I also feel like a lot of your action moves really quickly, with Crim describing a lot of it in single sentences and the dialogue passing by quickly as well: My advice would be to intersperse some description to slow it down, if you want the conversation to take a while. Give them both their own actions; give them little fidgets and quirks, and show their emotions through how they move.
Overall, not bad. Not my favorite ever, but not bad. Keep writing!
I'm trying to stick with one tense. <3 I want this to be in the past, but I keep falling back to the present.
Thank you.
Hey, Raven, dearest ~ I promised a review, and a review you shall get.
So... it was weird to think we were talking about this last night xD (or afternoon for you) I love how it is your way of expressing yourself. I really believe that it is for the best and it will help you overcome these "people" (if you can call them that! Meanies). An expressive story is always a valued and appreciated story. I find this amusing as well. Many people swear to vent there anger -- so I like how this relates back to modern society. It reflects human nature and I find this brilliant! Raw talent before my very eyes. You are wonderful!
Let's go onto the nitpicks.
If this is the heading for your chapter, then it needs yo be in bold, or underlined. (Plus, I love the cockiness of Crimson!)
Oops! We changed tense. "Were" needs to ne "was" and "tell" needs to be "told".
I don't know if you are like me, using a phone to type your story up, but the capital on "besides" isn't needed. Also, as not many people know what "MC" stands for, I would put "main character" or/ "protagonist".
"smudges" = "smudged".
We go from indoors to outdoors. You need an asterisk "***" after "darn it" to set the new scene
xD Crimson is hilarious!
She is a great character. She's an incredible person who deserves the respect she should have! She is probably the most funniest eleven year old I have heard and read about -- she is an all time classic character and I love her to bits. I hate Jas too. You really do display your characters well and you should be commended for this. I am so engrossed in this by the humour and the drama and my hate for Jas. This is truly incredible. I live how life-like and realistic this is! Great job, Raven
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
P.S. You're so clever!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.