This was written when I was nine. I have not edited it at all. Hehe...
Chapter 1, Anything for Her
He watched his twin sister sleep, her chest rising and falling in a soothing rhythm. He knew that in a a few minutes she would wake up and work like a indoor-maid, and he would have to work outside in the hot sun.
His sister's name is Adriana Lily Potter, but he calls her Adri. She has Auburn hair with black streaks, her eyes were hazel with flecks of green, and her skin was snow white. But she has a strange lightning bolt scar above her right eyebrow, it is usually covered by her bangs. But in every aspect Adri was beautiful to him.
His name is Hadrian James Potter, but Adri calls him Harry. He has Raven black hair, and his eyes were the color of Emeralds, his skin is also snow white. Like his sister he has a lightning bolt scar, but unlike his sister it is above his left eyebrow.
He has a Aunt, Uncle, and cousin. His Uncle Vernon has brown hair, and watery blue eyes. He also has a ridiculous mustache, no neck at all, not to mention He is very obese, Harry often says he looks like a walrus.
His Aunt Petunia, on the other hand is skinny. She has short blond hair, and cold grey eyes. Petunia has a long neck, that she uses to look over the fence to spy on neighbors. Adri usually states that she looks like a horse.
His Cousin Dudley takes after his father in the weight department. He has neat blond hair, watery grey eyes. His Aunt says Dudley looks like a cupid, Harry and Adri says he looks like a fat gremlin.
Thump, thump, thump. Harry sighs, the noise means Uncle Vernon is getting up to let them out of their cupboard, which is where they slept.
Harry shakes Adri saying, "Adri wake up, Vernon is waking up."
Instantly she sat up, hitting her head on the ceiling of the awful cupboard.
"Ow." Adri said, clutching her head.
"Sorry," Harry said.
She gave him a small smile, and hugged him. Harry felt her arms around him and smiled. Then she asked a question that brought him out of his thoughts, “When is school?”
“Uh, I don’t really know… I think it is tomorrow.” Her lovely hazel eyes dimmed.
Suddenly, the cupboard door opened, revealing his uncle’s disgusting face. Vernon gave then a twisted smile, then grabbed them by the scruff of their necks and dragged them outside the cupboard.
“Hi kiddies!” His smile worried Harry. “Piers and the rest of Dudley’s friends are coming over. So you must be on your best behavior. Boy, I want the weeds out of the yard, the car cleaned, lawn mowed, and hedges trimmed, by Noon.” Inwardly he groaned, judging by the clock in the hallway, it was 8 o’clock, he only had four hours to get it done!
Vernon continued, “Girl, I want the kitchen floor scrubbed, the counters cleaned, Dudley’s second bedroom cleaned, stack the DVDs neatly, wash the dishes, organize the video games, arrange the cushions in the sitting room, and I want this all done by 11 o’clock.” Harry and Adri’s eyes widen, Harry was shocked, his sister has three more chores than him. And less time to do them!
Bowing their heads, Harry walked outside, and Adri made her way to the Kitchen.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
I love Harry Potter!
This is an amazing story so far and I cant wait to read more. 
I can picture Adri already looking like Lily Potter *wipes imaginary tear from eye* She looks beautiful in my mind and Harry looks like his father. Keep up the great work and I cant wait to read more.
I think watching his sister sleep is creepy. I also think that the people making him do that is cruel.
I don't think anyone's skin can be "snow white."
Doesn't Harry have a scar too?
I think the line when introducing Harry is bad.
The scar is just horrible! I think it should be on the center of his forehead!
Very good describing. I think Harry is funny.
I like Dudley's description.
They should have a bigger cupboard! At least two beds and a lamp!
Doesn't have to be that harsh... That's too harsh!
I think it's just right because the story is trying to stay with the description to the house so it doesnt change how it looks in your mind. the descriptions make more sense because they are twins so the scars would be in opposite of each other
I honestly can't say anything bad about this story. I absolutely loved everything about it. There were some grammar mistakes but nothing you can't fix easily. I also noticed that you were changing tenses but like I said before it's something you can easily fix. I am a fantasy book lover at heart so this was definitely one of my favorite reads so far. You really have a talent for writing especially since your young. Keep up the good work.
In a couple of different places you switched between past and present tense. You also mixed tenses in the same sentences sometimes. Either choose one, or have a specific reason for changing the tenses.
I'm sure this was a typo, I crossed out one of the repeated letters.
I'd replace this to avoid cliché, because readers are familiar with Snow White who was described the exact same way. Describe the siblings in a different way rather than repeating your description, just to add more variety in your writing. I personally wondered why he was pale even with all of that work in the sun.
The style of your descriptions are becoming monotonous and repetitive at this point. You have stepped out of the flow of the story to give what seems like a police report on these characters. You've abandoned characterisation (that is, adding more interesting ways that the characters are unique), and the feeling that we are in a scene where things are happening. Let the descriptions come when the characters we are following meet them, rather than listing them all at the beginning like a cast list.
I replaced a word here. Outside implies out of the house entirely.
Overall, it's ok, but I would recommend you continue the chapter to end on a stronger note, where we get a sense of something out of the ordinary about to happen. If I was totally unfamiliar with the original Harry Potter story, I would have no idea that it was going to be a magical story from what you have written here. Start gradually dropping in hints that something is odd, in order to make us curious about what is going to happen next.
Good practice for writing, I think you can learn from continuing to write fan fiction and learning from Rowling. It could be useful for you to read the first chapter of the first Harry Potter book, to analyse what she did to make the reader engaged in the story from the beginning.
Keep Writing!