This is not edited. I wrote this a while back. Harry Potter fanfiction.
Insane Insane Insane Insane Insane Insane Insane
Harry sat in his cupboard, with his bloodied knees pulled up to his chest. Just five minutes ago his Uncle Vernon, had beat him for being alive, again. This usually happens every other day.
Harry's Uncle, has light brown hair, and watery blue eyes. He is a large beefy man with hardly any neck. The rest Harry knew about him, is that He works for a company called Grunnings and He has dinner parties every other night.
Harry also had an Aunt and cousin. His Aunt Petunia, has short blond hair, and the neck of a giraffe. Every Sunday, she goes shopping for cocktail dresses.
His Cousin Dudley, takes after his Dad, in the body build and eyes, but He has his mothers hair color, his Aunt says Dudley looks like a baby doll, Harry thinks He looks like a fat hag in a wig.
"Freak!" He could hear his Aunt's voice coming from the kitchen. He knew that He should get up and answer her, but his bruises hurt to much......
Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer
"What do you mean I can't have my godson!! " Sirius said, seething in anger. How dare He!
Sirius's grey eyes flashing dangerously. Normally Sirius had kind grey eyes, and neat black shoulder length hair. But now his eye's were crazy, and his hair in a mess. No one would believe this, But just last year, He was in a wizarding prison called Azkaban. The reason He was in prison was because He was falsely accused of murder. Fortunately his best friend Remus Lupin had found the real culprit.
A old man stood in front of him calmer than ever. His blue eyes twinkling through his half-moon glasses, and his white beard tucked in his belt.
"Sirius," The old man said. " You have to understand this is for his safety."
Suddenly one of Dumbledore's knick-knacks went off, immediately both men were on their feet.
“What does that mean?” He asked.
The old man shook his head. “No time to explain, follow me!”
Sirius was startled, grabbed for his wand.
"Sirius, quickly the wards." Dumbledore quickly ran towards his fireplace, grabbing some green powder from a flower pot.
"Arabella Figg, Number 7 Privet Drive." Dumbledore shouted, throwing the powder into the flames, and then stepping in the now green flames.
Sirius repeated the action, not exactly sure what's happening
Seventh Seventh Seventh Seventh Seventh Seventh Seventh
Ginny Weasley woke up from her afternoon nap, not sure what's happening. But a bad feeling in her stomach. Looking around her room, taking in her atmosphere. The walls were a soft pink, and her closet was open to reveal all her clothes and toys, the bed she was sitting on had blue sheets and bronze colored pillows.
She got up and walked toward the bathroom, some steps creeping. Finally she reached the bathroom, her bare feet touching the cold tiled floor. Slowly she creeped up to the mirror, to look at her reflection. Her waist length, red hair was in a mess, and her freckles littering her face. Her brown eyes looked tired, even though she felt wide awake.
She heard footsteps and turned around, thankfully it was her mother.
Her Mums name is Molly Weasley and that she used to be a healer at St. Mungo's.Her mother is a plump woman, with frizzy red hair, and kind brown eyes. But if you make her mad, you are in trouble.
"Ginny, you're supposed to be in bed." Her mum tells her, Ginny looked down her hair falling in her face.
"Sorry, mum. I just feel a little sick." She heard herself say, her stomach really did hurt.
Her Mother frowns and put the back of her hand to Ginny's forehead, Ginny felt the cool hand and sighed in relief.
"All the more reason for you too be in bed." Her mum takes Ginny's hand, and leads her to the kitchen.
Insane Insane Insane Insane Insane Insane Insane
Uncle Vernon opened the door to Harry's cupboard, red faced and drunk. Oh oh, Harry thought. Wrapping his arms around himself.
"You-u-u know what brat! You have been a-a-a burden on our f-f-family for far to-o-o long. It is time to get rid of you." Vernon said slurring a little.
Harry whimpered, staring wide-eyed at his drunk uncle. His raven black hair falling in his face. He was too scared to move, to scared to call for help. He felt his small body be pulled out of his cupboard. Closing his eyes, feeling his mass be pulled up the stairs. Clunk, Clunk, Clunk...
Water was running in the tub, hot steaming water, that could give someone, third degree burns. His eyes snapped open, realising that He was going to put Harry's head in the water, He was going to drown him.
Harry was thrown to the floor. Vernon grabbing some pills from the cabinet.
"Open wide freak!" His uncle said, forcing his mouth open, putting the pills into his mouth.
He felt the pills go down his throat, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Suddenly He felt his throat closing in. He was choking!
He tried to stand up, But was pushed down by Vernon. He felt a blow to his head, then to his stomach, then to many other places.
In one swift movement He felt his hair being tugged, and then He was thrown in tub. Fat hands held him down. Two minutes later He knew no more.
Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer
Sirius appeared in another fireplace. Stepping out of the green fire, brushing the soot off his pants. He followed Dumbledore out the door.They reached the Dursley's house. Sirius crinkled his nose in distaste, every single house in the neighborhood looks the same. Dumbledore knocked on the door, they waited a few minutes then a woman answered the door.
"Who are you?" The woman asked. She looked strangely familiar for some reason...
"My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I'm here to see Harry Potter." Dumbledore states. Sirius eyes widen, they were going to see his pup.
The Womans eyes get bigger, wait, He thought, she couldn't be... Dumbledore can't be that stupid.
"Sorry, there is no Harry Potter living at this address." She said stiffly, But He could tell she was lying.
"Are you Petunia Dursley?" Sirius asks, Harry can't live there, He thought, Petunia hated Lily.
"Yes, and why do you need to know." Her nose was scrunched up, in a distaste.
Sirius felt angry at Dumbledore, He said Harry would be safe.
"Mrs. Dursley five years ago, I put Harry Potter in your care." Dumbledore said calmly.
She froze in the doorway, legs shaking. Dumbledore took that time to push past her, into the house, Sirius following after him
Seventh Seventh Seventh Seventh Seventh Seventh Seventh
Ginny sat on a stool in the Weasley's kitchen, waiting for her mother to give her a potion. Sitting on the stool, her legs started hurting, and then her back felt like she was being pulled up the stairs.
Her back arching, she screamed, her mum running back into the kitchen to see what's happening. Ginny put her hands to her throat, she couldn't breathe. Her head hurt so much, and then a imaginary punch to the belly, she fell off the stool, sobbing.
It felt like someone was pulling her hair, then it felt like she was drowning, in a few minutes her eyes rolled to the back of her head.
Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer Murderer
Sirius stood in the doorway, to shocked to move. His god-son was being held down by the obese muggle.Dumbledore pushed past him, running towards Harry, “Harry!” Dumbledore cried out, “I’m so sorry!”
The fat muggle turned around, looking startled. “Sirssssss, t-t-this issss not w-w-what you-u-u think it-t-t iss.” The muggle slurred.
Sirius found the courage to speak, “Well it looks like you are trying to drown him.”
“No-o-o, I’m giv-iv-ing him a b-b-bath.” The muggle lied, reaching for his wand Sirius muttered Stupefy, and the thing slumped to the ground.
Moving the muggle from the bath tub, Sirius nealed before the prone little boy.Looking over him, his raven hair was wet. Picking up the small figure he felt a pulse, sighing in relief, he said, “Dumbledore, I am going to take care of my god-son. You will hear from me when he is better.” And with that Sirius black left.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
I like the plotline you have for the story. It's a bit confusing when you switch the scenes because one moments im with Harry and the next im with Ginny with no idea how We got there. The Next we are with Dumbledore and Sirius who are going to Harry's house. There is no distinction of different Points of Veiw in this story. If you fixed that and maybe some of the descriptions then it would make more sense but all in all it's a fantastic story with a great plot line. You were actually really courageous to post something you wrote a while back because not many people would be able to do that.
Timmy here!
Okay, so this is something you wrote a long time ago? Good. Then you probably won't be offended if I am harsh at all. You told me you didn't want any grammar or punctuation nitpicks, and that is a good thing. Otherwise, I would be here for a month of Sundays pulling out stuff and showing you what to fix. As it is, this review will just be short and sweet, hopefully leaving you with something useful at the end. It is rather difficult, though. ^.^ Everything I will nitpick you probably know now, since you have been writing so much longer now, and are getting so much better.
So first things first: descriptions. I could go on for hours about them. The way you do it here, it's almost like you are just dumping a laundry list of adjectives on us, showering us with bland images. Really, you can word things many ways. Some ways leave the reader with a vibrant image, and they are satisfied. Other ways leave them feeling a little lost, but okay. Others are more like you are just stating what this person has: blue eyes, raven hair, fat butt, big nose, blah, blah, blah. It gets old very fast, and actually seems redundant when you do that throughout the piece. With a work like this, where you are using well known characters - at least to most people. Some people won't have read the Harry Potters. Why, I don't know. - you don't actually have to describe the people, but more the scene. Everyone knows what Harry looks like, right? Some dude with a scar on his face. Okay. Got it covered. But what about his environment? Any chips in the tub? Just a little bit of description to add to a scene can go a long ways. In some stories, you don't even need to describe the characters at all - even if they are people completely foreign to the reader - or just give them little bits, and let their imagination supply the rest. Blustering fat guy paints a nice picture, because everyone has the image in their head of that already. So in a novel, go ahead, give us this description. But in a short story, it is more of your choice, because the point isn't to tell us what these people look like and what kind of clothes they wear, but to give us a short story. And when you have few words to say something, you must prioritize.
There are many ways of doing stuttering, and also many correct ways - even though most people insist that their way is the only one feasible. BUT... Reading something in stutter language must also have some flow to it, and sound somewhat natural, and this one didn't, really. The first word, the drawed out No, didn't seem like stuttering in the slightest, but more like him just drawing the word out and savoring it. Bath sounds closest to more realistic stuttering, really. So I don't know. If you haven't already done more research on stutters, then you should look it up and cruise around. I believe Isha knows a lot about that, too. So maybe you can pop in or something. I dunno.
I don't really know what else to say... This piece was written like a younger kid would, and doesn't really bear your lovely style which you have built in your newer works like Silence is Silver (which I am getting to, pwomise.) It is really awesome watching someone's work and style improve, as well as their punctuation and grammar (hee-hee). Your grammar and stuff is muchhhhh better in your newer works. Your writing has really become more awesome than before.
Since I don't know anything about Harry Potter, I can't really comment on the storyline at all, although having Ginny in there really rocked me... I mean, why was she in there at all? What point did she serve? I know she became his girlfriend/wife in the end of it all, but she would have been like three if he was five... sooo... she would have been gurgling and breaking stuff, rather than sitting serenely on a stool.
Sorry for short review... I feel like I have been completely unhelpful here, but I hope you find something helpful in it.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hey RavenMoonStone.
First a few nitpicks and suggestions. I think you overuse your commas and capitals, and this definitely needs some proof reading and editing but I'm sure you can fix it without me pointing out everything. Just a suggestion, at the very beginning you say:
"...beat him for being alive, again."
I think if you changed it to:
"...beat him for being alive. Again."
It would refer to the constant beating more strongly and really emphasise it. I was really excited to find this as I'm a Harry Potter fan and thank you for not making it a disappointment.
Good job. Keep writing.
I'm actually not going to edit this! I can't really. This is once of my earlier writings and I'd hate to taint it with older, more experienced me.
That's something I hadn't considered but that sounds wise.
This concept seemed really good. However, I feel like this could have been executed better. The story lacked connective tissue and didn't flow well. I would definitely consider revising and editing this cause I really want to see this at its full potential.