Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Crimson Tales, Chapter Two: My Shitty Life.
Note: I have changed from the past, to the present. I could not keep up. >.< Thank you for reading.
If you had read the chapter title, you will have known what this chapter is going to be about. If you did not, sucks to be you. I guess... some pictures of what is going on right now would be nice, for the reader at least. So, I'll... regrettably... give you some.
My legs are kicked up on the desk, as I flip through a magazine. My fingers slid down the sleek page as I stare at the pretty pictures. I have literally no idea what this stupid thing is about, I just picked it off the kitchen counter. The air smelled of lavender vanilla candles. I think that is because I lit a candle earlier. Not sure. I am not wearing boots, would not want to ruin the wood or anything. Derek-Hugo has spent too much money on me for me to waste it with my feet.
The light is dimming as I keep on trying to look through the pages, the people in this are models. Their hair is wonderful and long; I tugged at my locks. Not wonderful, not long. Just like... no one. Because I am like no one.
Ack. This is supped to be about my life. What to do, what to do...
The light from my laptop blinked, and I looked in its direction. Jas is contacting me through a rebooted version of IM. I have been trying to stay off the net, but I can't just leave her hanging. She might be bad, but is she 'I will ignore her online forever' bad?
I took a breath. I do not want to see her freaking kitty avvie, or the sparkly blue text. I hate that. It makes me flinch and cry.
She doesn't know why I hate her, she just wants to help.
I don't want to cry, in fact, I hate crying. Just like I hate the word no. I hate Jas too, but she's on a different level of hate. I think. I don't know.
I took my legs off the desk, and set them on the floor. Wait? No, put them on the floor, and my heels scuffed against the carpet. That's right. I have no idea why the lid to my red laptop is up, I might have lifted it up when I came home from school. However, that's a fuzzy memory. The small clock in the dark corner of my room told me it was 6 o'clock. Dinner is in one hour, I have to see my mum in one hour. My biggest secret comes out in one hour. Yay! (That was sarcastic.)
My fingers found themselves putting the magazine down and typing. Well, not typing. They are now on the keyboard, though. The cursor creeps ever so closer to her username. Uhg. I sorta remember opening the program. F- This is why I don't take naps after school, shit.
All the messages we have ever sent each other popped up, each on making me sick. My stomach was churning as I looked at all these conversations, and the attitude behind them.
I had just came out on my social media, telling everyone who I was. Jas didn't believe. I know she is a good/bad person, but... the rejection and the fixing. When I first... No, no, no. I am not going to talk about it. It's not going to ruin another average day.
I am not sure whether to ignore her, or to reply. I know if I reply it will be telling her, "Yeah, sorry. I have to eat dinner with my family." So even if I do, do anything we won't really have to talk.
I almost want to click on current conversations, just to see what she is saying to me. However, I don't.
My head hits the desk as I close my eyes and moan. "Why is life so complicated?" I said aloud. My voice carried through the never ending void as I felt my eyes get heavy. This book is going to suck.
***
The sound of forks clinking against plates really do irritate me, the sound is... high pitched and just unnatural. I guess that's why my mom and Derek do it, they're unnatural.
Sitting at the table is always odd: no one talks, Mom chews loudly, Derek sighs a lot, and I fidget. Today's no different. I can make it different if I open my mouth and tell them, however, I don't want to interrupt the chewing and sighing.
The spaghetti was cold as ever and the sause tasted like... not tomatoes. I really hope Mom used the right sauce: I don't want to be sick again. Yech.
"So," for the first time in thirty minutes, someone talked. "Criminal, how was your day?"
I am not used to talking during dinner, in fact, talking during any meal is odd. Gulping the food down as fast I can, I looked up at the speaker. "I'm Crimson, not Criminal. My day... went well. The teacher assigned three pages of history homework." That is supposed to be boring enough to make Derek not want to talk.
"What are you studying in history?" Damn it, Derek. We are supposed to sit in awkwark silence waiting for me to talk, not you to question me about my day.
"Oh, this is... I believe the time of Joan." I mean Joan of Arc, I'm just to lazy to actually say that much.
"Female teacher trying to get you to believe in girl power?" he questioned me while trying to nibble the freaking meatball off the plastic fork.
"Nah, male teacher letting me do whatever we want." I paused then smirked, "The guys in my class voted for the Joan thing." I could have said, 'people' instead of guys. However, if big ol' Derek-Hugo thinks I am talking about the males... it is his fault.
"Wow." He looks over to my mother, and smiles, "Well, babe, what did you do?"
I try not to pay attention to my mom, ever since this guy came along she's been obessed with him. I'm not complaining, her paying attention to D-H gave me time to do whatever I pleased. It's just - she's been sneaking around me, and keeping her head down.
"Oh, nothing much. I got a big promo at my job." Great, Mom went from bagging bags to managing, I think.
End of chapter
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140,388 Literary Works • 673,150 Reviews
Pen here with a review-day gift!
HI! Again.
This time, you're using a lot of your senses, the candles, the smells, the feel of the pages. Good.
Supped- I think you mean supposed. Lol. <3
Crim is still very awkward. I feel as if she's a robot, living in a world of humans. She's trying to be normal, but she still so monotonous. I feel as if she's the type to use contractions and shortened words-- not in a valley girl sense, but I don't speak as much, and when I do, “can't, don't, aren't,” Crim uses short sentences, and a lot of them.
Also, she keeps repeating, “I am like no one.”
Do you mean she's unique? Nobody is ever like anybody else. We're all unique <3
(That sounded creepy.)
'I have no idea why the lid to my red laptop is up...' The description of the laptop feels forced here, and it isn't necessary. You want to add detail, but not too much detail. You don't want detail where it isn't needed. In this case, 'red' isn't needed. It's just there, sitting like the unwanted 'friend' who only shows up to hang out every three months, and has no clue what's going on, so they just sit in the corner awkwardly. That's what 'red' in the sentence feels like.
Another thing is how blandly you end the chapters, you want to hook the reader with how you start and finish each installment. It makes them look forward to what the chapter has to offer and what the next chapter has in store.
Other than that, it's really well written, and I loooove you as an author and a person.
Good job, and I'm looking forward to the next installment, so yay!
--Pen.
Hiya, RavenMoonStone. I'm Pan, and I'm here to whip up a review for you.
I went back and read your first chapter so that I could get a full understanding of the story thus far, and that's allowed me to realise what your general strengths and weaknesses are both in this novel and in writing generally. I might come across as a tad harsh, but I honestly just want to help you improve an idea that has real potential.
Okay. Nitpicks.
I know that this was a common topic in the reviews of your first chapter, but the problem of tense-switching isn't yet solved. You keep skipping between past and present, predominantly remaining in the latter, and it makes it really awkward to read. I know you said at the beginning that you'd decided to stick to present tense from now on, but you really need to be consistent, especially as it can be quite a tricky tense to work with anyway.
Examples:
Rather than 'slid', it should be 'slide'.
Rather than 'blinked' and 'looked', it should be 'blinks' and 'look'.
This whole sentence is in the past tense, and it isn't unique. It should be 'I take my legs off the desk and set them upon the floor. Wait? No, I put them on the floor, and my heels scuff against the carpet'.
I do think that, given the fact that much of the narrative is focused on your protagonist's personal thoughts and feelings, present tense is a good choice for this story. You just need to stick to it.
The other main problem with this piece is that it's sometimes rather hard to follow. The narrator's thoughts are so hectic and fast-paced that you often struggle to work out what she's trying to say before she starts on a new topic. Clarity is very, very important in writing (it's something that I've struggled with in the past, so I'm always hyper vigilant about it), so you must try incredibly hard to put yourself into the shoes of an oblivious reader when you look over what you've written. Read your piece out loud, not just in your head - it helps to expose any odd phrasing. Seeing that your MC already narrates in quite a chatty way, it'll work especially well.
I'll point out some of these confusing moments.
I've already mentioned this quote once, but, aside from the tense problems, it's quite a strange section of the chapter anyway. Why are they saying 'wait'? Why do they make a point of saying that they put their legs (though I think you mean 'feet') on the floor rather than that they set them on the floor? I don't understand what you're trying to convey here.
It's a strange comparison to make. How can hair be like no one? Do you mean that it's unremarkable?
'Some pictures'? I'm guessing you mean that she wants to set the scene for the reader. This sentence might be better off phrased as 'I'm guessing that you want to know what's going on with me right now, for me to set the scene or something. I don't see why I should tell you anything, but if you really insist...' or something along those lines. It is up to you.
That's all I have to say in this review. I think you've got an engaging protagonist with a curious way of narrating that could potentially be very intriguing, but you just need to read through the chapter and do some furious editing if you're going to bring that through. The story is certainly enticing so far; I want to know more about your MC, and I look forward to finding out the reason for her weirdness. You just need to refine, reread and craft the actual writing a bit more.
Keep writing!
~Pan
hello, RavenMoonStone
I must admit, I have not read the first chapter of this series. I hope that's alright.
In any case, I can still review it!
Your strong suit in this piece is definitely your MC's voice, and your voice overall. In fact, sometimes it can come across a bit too obviously. Repeating onomatopoeia (I believe that's the plural) such as "ugh" and "ack" can get a tad bit annoying to the reader. Still, I like your laid-back, casual writing style. It's popular among lots of teen bibliophiles.
Also, make sure to make each character special. Each is a different person, living a completely different life. You can't tell the reader this, it must be shown.
My only other nitpick about this chapter is that it ends pretty abruptly. Any way to change that?
It sounds like you have a cool idea going for this story. I look forward to seeing how it turns out.
Good luck and keep writing!
~iron.n