They tell me my name is Ally.
Glancing down at the simple circle of azure rubber encircling my wrist, I can read my engraved name as many times as I want, taking the syllables and rolling them over my tongue. It is something I want to become used to hearing, so I can hope I will never forget again.
Ally. Ally. Ally.
Say it again and again. Feel the words.
When they told me my name, I was expecting some revelation—like all of my memories and all my past would simply unfold and dump their contents in my lap. Anything to resurface and show itself to me. A simple recollection of a dog panting would have satisfied me, but no. I had no past. That much seems evident to me. This cavity in my mind is doomed to remain there until the end of my time.
The hall I walk down makes me feel like a little bug, small Ally—Allyyyy—insectisized in comparison to the colossal passage. Instead of being able to reach up on tiptoe to touch the ceiling (which I can normally do), I can only look up at the top, double my height away.
And even though lights glare down everywhere, I still find myself squinting into the distance, wanting to see the door, wanting to see what Keisha told me to look for—a sign saying "This Way" and a bold arrow flashing down an adjacent hall.
No flashing arrows so far.
As I walk, I run my hand along the walls. The sharp texture pricks my fingertips, but it feels good. And my bare feet shuffle across the floor, scraping against miniscule rocks to send grimaces onto my face. But I’ll happily take it. Anything to not be stretched out on the cot or talking with Keisha and Karsh—both of whom seem like programmed nut-jobs to me. Anyone who would introduce such a ridiculous idea to lost teenagers has to be so. Anyone who would think I will accept it without second thought has to be insane, as well.
They sent me down this hallway to meet my Affinity and go to our room (really, only one room? I guess privacy isn’t an issue with them). There, my Affinity—my other half, as they say—will meet me. Eventually. Keisha said to not expect her for quite a while, as sometimes it takes a long time to find the match.
Like anyone can determine the outcome of a relationship—one they call strictly professional, even though it sounds creepily not—and have things come out exactly as they want. Like anyone can depend on a computer to judge your personality. Apparently, they consider it adequate information to make their decision. Only we are left in the dark. Only we have to navigate this foreign place with no knowledge of the past or future.
My ear stings from whatever Keisha injected into it. I don't remember exactly what it looked like—although I do recall it being really small, stuck in the end of a needle-point. It was all I could do to grit my teeth and not shy away from her as she drew near, needle extended.
A single drop of blood wipes onto my probing hand—an insignificant result of Keisha’s actions. I wonder what’s inside my ear, what the small lump I pinch between my fingers really is, and what it does. Perhaps I should just ask, although they would probably not answer… or Karsh would come up with a masterful explanation including a five minute lecture, containing three understandable words. And I thought I used sophisticate speech.
Poking out of the distance beams the arrow Keisha explained. The words flash in a variety of colors: grey. green. yellow. blue. Apparently, they want to get my attention. As I draw nearer, “This Way” becomes readable, and I turn the corner to follow the direction the arrow points, looking reluctantly over my shoulder at the first passage continuing on to a barred, glinting door in the distance.
Big surprise. More concrete walls.
This time I only walk for a short moment, even though I expected another marathon tunnel like the passage behind me. It begins and ends as fast as it started, coming to a dead-end with a door extending to the ceiling. A small button adorns the face of the door, the only thing not returning the glare of the bright lights above. Stainless steel is the rest of the door. No arrows. No messages. Nothing. Just a simple door, and the prickly concrete on both sides that stretch to meet the walls.
I press the button, seeing nothing else I can do. There is a resounding click! and the noise echoes behind me, fading out into a muzzled cacophony of sounds. Funny how noises can begin as something and then evolve to become so much different.
And then I wait, drumming my feet against the concrete in boredom. A light glows in the middle of the button, and I wonder if it’s starting to work, or something is coming to life—anything happening soon. But another thirty seconds goes by before I hear a noise coming closer, drawing nearer to me by the moment.
The door slides noiselessly open, revealing an empty elevator waiting for me. I step in without thinking, and the door slides closed. Looks like I don’t have a choice now. I ride the elevator where it takes me.
Some music plays from speakers overhead. The tune sounds so familiar and so boring—I think anyone would remember something so dull—that I almost cancel it from my mind, but it keeps grating at me. So familiar, and yet so distant. I know I have heard this tune before, somewhere, someday, perhaps so long ago. I could have heard the song yesterday for all I know, swayed to the melody and lyrics (if I had the notion). Staring down at the scratchy carpet beneath my toes, I try to ignore the music. There are no pictures on the elevator walls I can look at, not even any numbers for different floors I can push for fun. There are only the pale elevator sides, and the music. Always the music.
I am happy when the song changes, and I don’t recognize the next.
After what seems like minutes of standing in the elevator, the stagnant air becoming cold with me there wearing next to nothing, the door slips open.
A wave of warm air hits me as I step through the exit, and for a short moment all I think about is relishing the sudden heat, but the emblem emblazed before me demands my attention—
—and it’s all I can see, hanging on a lone flag leaned against a doorway, imprinted on the walls themselves in bold, stamped onto the shirts of people—always walking in pairs of two… why?—who glance in nonchalance at me as they walk past.
After the initial affect is over, and my eyes grow accustomed to the whiteness of it all, I step out of the elevator and onto the new floor—a simple vinyl, strangely warm beneath my feet.
I look around, expecting something to happen, something either bad or good to come to me. Since that’s been going on all day so far, it’s to be expected.
But when I stop looking for dangers, or a person to actually do more than glance at me, I can finally focus on the layout. And man, do they have everything figured out. Their orderliness and efficiency proclaiming itself on everything around would make a neat-freak swoon in happiness. But all I can do is groan when I see the neat line of white doors paced down the hall, set off by the white walls and the Affinity symbol painted in the center of each door. When I see the hallway extending out on both sides like two perfect arms, lights shedding down to hide all shadows—but where they come from, I don’t know. There is just light.
“What is your name, son?” A voice jumps me from behind, and it’s all I can do to not shed my skin or the gown which still clings embarrassingly to me.
“I, uh—what?” I look at the speaker, a short man who looks in his seventies. Grey hair curls around his face, as if shielding the smiling face, the honest expression. While Karsh smiled once or twice at me, I never experienced a good feeling from him. He was all business. This man bears a twinkle in his eyes, a measure of kindness in his smile. And the pearly-white uniform fits him perfectly, transforming the grandfatherly appearance into an aged soldier with its form-fitting jacket and pressed slacks, curving into his waist and shoulders like they were grown there.
“I asked you what your name was,” he says again.
“Oh.” I don’t even have to think about it. The name slips off my tongue as if it’s always been there. “My name is Ally.”
“Ally,” he repeats. He looks down at a tablet in his hand, tapping on the sleek, almost translucent iPad. I wonder how it doesn’t bend to his touch or mold to his hand, it is so thin. “So you will be going to room A14.”
“Do I go there now?” I step back and forward, rocking on my heels. I want to go. I want to see. "But, uh, where is it?"
“Let me walk there with you,” he says. “Maybe I can explain a few things along the way.”
Author's note: So the picture is merely "borrowed" and not mine. I don't actually know where it came from. xD If you think a mere description of the emblem would work better, and fit more my style, just let me know.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hello there once again, TimothyJake! (How many times am I gonna say that eh? It's good though cause it means you have gotten really far in your story, which I am extremely jealous about. I usually can't get passed the 5th chapter =( ) Celtic Thunder1438 here to review some more of your marvelous piece of work.
This chapter makes me wanna just have your published version right here in my hands so I can read it! I am super excited about whats gonna happen next, cannot wait to read more! Your story gets more and more interesting as the chapters fly by, which is very good. Something every writer needs, interesting plot, suspense ect. I love murder mysteries, suspense, war, death, action! I am crazy I know, but that is something I enjoy, so your story is very well written on the suspense and interesting plot, and now starting the slightest tinge of ACTION! I am thrilled, when I read your story. Your doing a great job =)
Grammatical stuff - You wrote this -
'Ally. Ally. Ally.
Say it again and again. Feel the words.'
I don't really think it flows to well, maybe say something like ' Ally. Ally. Ally. I say it again and again in my head, feeling the words'
Because before it was like you were telling the reader to say it again and again =P
Another time you said - 'There is a resounding click! and the noise echoes behind me, fading out into a muzzled cacophony of sounds. Funny how noises can begin as something and then evolve to become so much different.'
It should be- There is a resounding "click" and the noise echoes behind me, fading out into a muzzled cacophony of sounds. Funny how noises can begin as something and then evolve to become so much different.
The 'click!' makes the sentence look weird and gets confusing =)
Other than those couple mistakes, this chapter was awesome! Loved it, once again!
Goodbye, I have to go read what happens next!
~Selina
Ohhhh... I see what you mean. Dang, you're getting good at spotting errors. xd Not fair. >> I will have to edit those out when I, um, get around to it. :p Thank youuuuu <3
You have no idea how many times I quit at the fifth chapter on books. xD
Reviewing more helps get better... wait who did I just quote? =P
5th chapters are horrible =( xD
Welcome!
Hi Timothy!
I am here once again for a review. I feel as if I haven't reviewed your Affinity for a long time now and yet it has only been a few days haha. I can't pin point why but I feel as if your writing style changed..or maybe improved? I don't know but it definitely changed for the better *thumbs up*. Not that your other writing wasn't good. It was amazing! I think it might be because you are putting more description or something in it. I have no idea, like I said, I cant pin point what is different.
I know I usually have one or two nitpicks but I honestly can't find one. Which makes me feel as if I am not doing a proper review....=). I guess your just stuck with what I give you xD. Its nice to be with the boy again. Or Ally, I should say haha. His name threw me off at first too. I've only heard of a girl being named Ally but now I can't say that =P. I am use to his name now though, so all is good. Even though we haven't really been with him much I feel as if I know him. Which you did an awesome job at by the way. I had a clear picture of his feelings and what sort of guy he is. So bravo for you on that! The only question I have for you is.....when he sees all those people in the hallways, are they those recent kids from that room too?
If so, I am a little confused. He was the first one to be taken and tested...shouldn't he already be in the room? Or did they put him somewhere else until all the kids were tested and matched up first? I might be going on a wild goose chase but I think you should elaborate on why he isn't already in the room.
As for the Affinity sign, I like it as a picture. There are books that have it shown instead of explained. I find that when they do that, it gives it a different kind of thrill. Your seeing just like he is seeing it. Besides, it looks really cool when it is shown haha.
That old man....something is fishy about him. He seems like good ally (No not Ally I mean ally, like friend XD) material. Perhaps, you can use him to help him escape in later chapters =). Also, I don't know what your plan is for him but I had a cool idea. Take it or leave it. Well, not all people are meant to be paired with someone else. Some people are meant to stay single. So my idea, maybe if someone doesn't pass the test to be paired with someone then they have to be 'slaves' or workers around that business or whatever Affinity is. And that old man just happens to be one of those unfortunate people who wasn't paired. So, he has been working for them for 60 some years or so....
Lame idea, I know XD. But maybe it will spark some of your own=).
Anyways, keep up this amazing writing and publish this book!
Annie
Thank youuu for this another brilliant review! (This is the best you've given me so far. <3) Your idea wasn't lame at all, actually, and truly helps me think of what I need with him. He is an... extra character I still haven't come up with a complete background for. This helps me. ^^
My style seems to change with every chapter and always does until I find where I belong in the book. xD Thank youuu for everything, Annie <3
Your welcome haha. (Awwww thanks =) That's good that you didn't find my idea lame. That means I didn't do all that writing for nothing XD.
This is my favorite style so keep on with it XD. Your welcome once again =D.
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
I like how you don't go back through all of what we just learned with Ally. I appreciate that. To be honest, it would've been kind of neat to see how Ally responded to it all, since he's different than Avery (if he really is her Affinity that is). But that would've been boring and repetitive and that just wouldn't work. It is important to see what he thinks about his name though, so I'm glad you put that in here. It's definitely different than Avery's reaction, but that was to be expected. I wouldn't think that they'd have the same exact reaction. Mainly because they're different people (duh).
You seem to have this thing with single drops of blood (you used the same description when talking about Avery's injury from the glass). There's always so many other drops of blood that can come from a cut. And chances are that if there's one drop there will be more. Cuts don't close up that quickly.
I feel like the colors should have commas between them instead of periods. I mean, he's listing the color he sees, right? Lists have commas. The periods seem a bit too absolute.
I thought he was kidding about the 'this way' thing >.> That's actually really funny. Let's make it more obvious, shall we? xD
I think the image is pretty cool. As for whether you should keep it or not, I'm not sure. Gosh I'm such a great help xD I think it would really be your style to describe what it looks like, but at the same time it's cool to have it just there. Not to mention with it being there, we kind of get the same reaction that Ally has. It's just there, demanding your attention. I know that I've read a book or two that had something like that in it so it's not really uncommon.
Your descriptions here are great. As someone who struggles to write three consecutive paragraphs of description and non-dialogue, consider me impressed. Of course, even if I could train my brain to do it, I'd still be impressed by your descriptions here. You don't give us too much, but you don't leave much out either. There's just enough in my opinion. We get a good idea of what the hallways look like while we get to see what Ally is thinking. It works well.
So Ally is going to meet Avery soon. That's exciting. Okay, he'll at least get to see the place they're going to be living. I can't tell whether I think Avery is going to be there when he gets there or not. I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.
Ally is a girl's name.I looked up Ally and it really is a boy's name. Like, not even one that's unisex. Although I'm sure it could be. Not that I didn't trust you with your naming skills. I was just curious. I've never heard of a boy named Ally. Guess there's a first time for everything!Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I looked the name up after I chose it to make sure. xd It was actually a name I made for a SB, and I just couldn't not use it (the original name for Ally was Laro. UGH). Does the name fit him, though?
I tend to ramble in real life, so perhaps that's where my ability to write long spiels of that comes from. xd I agree about the blood. Editing timeee.... Thank youuu <3
Ally fits him perfectly! To be honest, I wasn't so sure about it in the beginning, but I'm used to it now. I think the problem is the only Ally's I've ever met are girls :3
Thank you for this review, Jumpy, and your compliments. <3 They're always fun to read, and enjoyable, and very helpful. And I will work on my viewpoints, and making them more distinct. Very helpful advice.
Sorry, Timmy, I have read these, but haven't caught up review-wise. Lets start now, shall we?
Can I just say, I noticed that Ally and Avery start with the same letter, like Keisha and Karsh who are an Affinity.
This will probably be short as I would like to catch up and talk about the rest of this awesome story.
Okay, the boy is back. Yay! Your name choices are cooler than mine; I love the name Ally. He's going to be on the scene a lot now, I assume.
It'll be good to get a balance of the two points of view, seeing as they're meant to be so different.
Balance seems important, considering all the examples throughout the novel, so I thought I'd bring it up.
Spoiler
I think it was sort of meant to be from the start if they are going to be an Affinity.
I liked the way they both reacted the same way to discovering their names; it shows they're both in exactly the same boat. You are doing well at linking the two characters (thinking ahead to the other chapters as well. So behind...), which seems critical in this setting.
Just the one nitpick:
Should be sophisticated. Typos, eh? Sorry if I'm repeating anything.
That should be all for this chapter. Expect more reviews soon!
I NEVER REPLIED TO THIS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
Thank you for this review, Bella. As always, so nice and helpful. <3
Heyyyy, Timmy! Another review for an amazing writer!
Ooo. Ally. Cool! I really was pleased to see that he came on the scene. Question: how come Chapter 3 had 4 parts and 4 had 3, whereas 2 has 2? That confused me a little. I'm just wondering how you are managing your chapters. Not that different lengthened chapters are bad, it just messes with the readers head a little.
Also, I felt as if you just jumped straight into it unlike Avery's POV. The whole build up to Avery's revelation, but with Ally I felt as if something was missing. Like if the test would change with the differing personalities. Or how Ally would react.
Y'know what threw me off? I know a girl called Ally at school and I know Avery can be a boy's name. Random, but true.
What? I'm confused. Did they give him the bracelet? Or did he already have it on and the bracelet somehow project his name on the face of it? DIG! EXPLAIN! YEAH! Ahem. The clarity of this wasn't very strong.
I have a feeling that Ally is not his real name. That Avery is not Girl's. I don't think the no remembrance isn't coincidental. Something fishy is going on. Mesa do not like. Strange this is.
Whaaa...? Rocks in a hallway?
It was all? Why not merely put "All I could do", removing the first two words.
Evolve to become? Why not put: "evolve into"?
Whereever it takes me.
Not only did the musical aspect of this creep me out, but it got me thinking. Without any memories, your mind wouldn't be able to wonder aimlessly. If you think about, when daydreaming, you think about goings on in the day, or something that has happened hours, days, months or even years ago. Without these things to think back to, there isn't much to think about. Wow.
So. Many. Dashes. You think you can try to lessen them done a tad?
Neat-freak? I believe the term is OCD xD this seemed a little out of character to me. I though Ally would use proper terms.
There wasn't a lot to say on this because it was so perfect <3 Though, I did think it did jump a little when you began Ally's perspective. I would have like to see how he reacted different to the personality test and then to Keisha and Karsh's "interview". That would have really delved into his character more like we did with Ally's. I feel sort if empty because I feel as if I know Avery so well and Ally so little. Hopefully the following chapters will reveal more about him.
I'm wondering if the Janitor-Soldier-Grandad-Secretary like guy is an Affinity. Yet he's so old. I'm dying of curiosity!
Another amazing chapter!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Thank you! Yeah, I agree. This is rather jerky to start off. I don't want to have a repeat of the same thing, where he has an interview with K7 like Avery did, but I am going to work on the transition a ton. Thank you again.
That's good
I'm sure you'll think of something amazing <3
You're welcome.
Hai Timmy!
I couldn't wait to find the time to read this because I wanted to see things from Ally's point of view. It had been a while since we had his point of view seeing as Avery likes to hog the screen so much 
As for how the chapter went, I think I can clearly see how your style here is so much more different from when you write LOTS. This novel has a more abstract style where you can have more fun with it. Not everything can be described because you can use images instead, and also things don't have to always be technically correct. You have more things which don't stick so much to the traditional way of writing, but I like it. It really works for this novel, so whatever you're doing, keep doing it 
I also like seeing this side of Ally. Even though he's still the same and all, I felt it was nicer to have his point of view. Before I saw him as more stiff and formal, but even though that's how he uses his words, it wasn't as hard to connect as in other chapters. He was formal and yet still relatable. I think this is how his character should be all of the time. 
It's always great to see another chapter up and posted
Oh man, I just mentioned all things I loved xD Time for feedback!
I would put an 'it' between the last two words here.
This may be hard to do, seeing as we have two characters who have experienced pretty much the same thing and should be similar in some ways seeing as they are going to be paired. And yet, I feel like what you've just said is something we've already seen when we were reading from Avery's point of view, and repeated it can be boring for us readers! What you need to do is make Ally's thoughts and feelings on the matter different in some way. Yes, he could also be hoping to feel a connection when he hears his name, but don't dwell on it too much. I like how he tried to keep saying his name, running it over so he could remember it for now and always. That was something new and the kind of thing I wanted to hear. Not this, we've already heard it. Can you think of something new to place in there?
Also, even though they have just done the same tests, I am sure he had a different reaction to it. Maybe the test that Avery went through that ended with her in tears before the meeting with Keisha and Karsh was different, depending on the person and the choices they made. (Actually, thinking about it I think you already said it was.) In that case, what did Ally see? And what was his emotional response? In my mind it isn't anywhere near as drastic as Avery's, but he must've reacted in some way. I also wanted to know more about how his ordeal with Keisha and Karsh went. Without Avery's habit of making snide remarks, was he calm and collected throughout it even though inside thoughts and questions were turning him inside out? Was he one of the people who were quick to inform because of his cooperation? I wanted to know!
Thinking of things resurfacing, um, a dog's panting is kind of an awkward thing to choose of all the scarce memories you could've chosen! You could've said the feel of a dogs fur, or a face even if he had no name to match with it, or the taste of a warm, homemade meal... I just found the one you selected kind of odd and awkward. Plenty more fish in the sea ^^
I think there is a better way of putting what you meant. Rewrite: at the top, which was double my height and far away. In know you didn't mean quite this exactly, but what I read didn't run too smoothly.
What is he referring to by using the word 'it'. What he could've been addressing isn't mentioned anywhere previous to this, so it left me a little befuzzled even though I am quite sure you meant everything... the facility and the people and the idea of Affinity's altogether. If that is the case, then mention it is so! You might even come up with one word to summarise all that as well
Eh, not sure about these fragmented sentences. How about having the first one start with a 'but' instead. And then cutting the first word from the next sentence and have it start at that point. I think that would sound better.
*sophisticated. (I guess it was just too much of a sophisticated word for you to spell...
Would be better off phrased as 'the rest of the door was made of stainless steel.'
Again, this reads funny. It's what I have pulled the majority of the sentences out for. How about this ending 'and this time it is one I don't recognize.
Get rid of the 'why' and the ellipsis. It is unneeded and confusing when it comes to the punctuation of this sentence.
All of a sudden he knows the mysterious symbol is an Affinity one, now does he?
I liked the idea of the picture and would much rather it was in there than a description because as I said, your style. I think it would be worth it to make your own though. Just so that you aren't stealing someone's valuable creds xD
I better go and do some homework now! There really isn't much left for me to say anyway xD Keep posting and give me more of this to read! I look forward to the onslaught of posts during Nano.
Deanie x
Thanks for your amaaaazing review, Livvy! I admit it's taking me some time to get back into the game with Ally. But it's gonna be loads of fun. ^.^
Oh dear. I should do a more sophisticated spelling check before I post. And, that makes sense.... How would he know what the Affinity symbol is? Must make that make sense. Thankssssss
Hi, Timmy.
If this review seems a little bit incoherent it is because I'm sick and very tired. Okay, now that I warned you, shall we head into the actual review?
So...
Ally and Avery? Affinities. I feel like there is a theme of the letter "A" in this book, Tim. A-(Number). Yes, I totally see a pattern here.
Okay, so the newest person. I love the description that you gave of him. I feel like Ally's responds if typical of what someone would do if they faced the same predicament.
I would say more, but yeah. I need to go to bed. Or I won't be up on the morning.
Thanks for the review, Tulip.
You go get better now.