Why did you have to do this to me
every single time at the alter of ultimatum
leaving me clueless once again
doubting if this is all a lie
and all is just an illusion,
my brain tricking me to believe something
so magical can actually happen to a soul
all of whose life has been a testament
of bitter darkness and sorrow.
Who had never ever seen the light of day
or rejoiced the sunny summers
or danced in the rain
for he felt nothing but hollowness inside.
And just when he thought of everything
that he'd seen and read of merry
were only a thing of books,
you appeared like an angel from beyond
and held his hand and pulled him closer.
You talked to him, you listened to him,
and when people said him a changed man,
though he never said a word,
but he owed all of that to you.
You stuck with him through thick and thin,
the bond enduring envious glares
from odds and evens, and the close ones,
but never did the belief go.
And yet strangely when 'twas so obvious
that he and you were meant to be
together forever, yet you seemed
to cringe at taking the final steps.
Of walking down the aisle, standing at the alter,
for you doubted thy self of loving a man
who all said was gravishly wrong,
for you are were angel and you deserved a prince.
You thought of sureties and of life,
and you ran away from the stage,
leaving him stunned at what went wrong,
you leaving once again without a reason,
as you had done with him so many times.
And as he looked on to the aisle,
still overcome by the moments bygone,
he knew in heart there were many more to come
of such happenings, you running away.
But he'd walk each with pride
in hope that someday
you'd be too tired to run anymore
and finally decide to stay;
To complete the journey so destined,
a man and an angel in a lively union.
And every morning when the sun rays strike,
I wish that dawn has finally arrived,
because the man is no one but me
and this is my love story.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
The words and the meaning are truly beautiful... but
Grammar was lacking. (which I don't really care about, because I'm one to purposefully going against the rules with grammar.)
There were a few parts that either lacked a word or two, or had one to many words. This kind of makes it all too difficult to read and understand. So, I suggest you advice it a bit.
EXAMPLE-
"my brain tricking me to believe something
so magical can actually happen to the soul."
The first sentence here lacks a word or two. It's confusing and may sound better as "my brain tricking me INTO BELIEVING something" The next line could be repaired by either adding or taking away a word. "so magical IT can actually happen to the soul." or even change 'magical' to 'magic'.
Other than that it was a pretty sweet piece, you did good.
Good Luck To You!
Hey. Dogsrule5 here to review!
Let's start with NItpicks
Nitpicks.
1. You should capitalize the frist letter in every line if that makes since.
Example...
So if that makes since then yeah.
Alright so no more nitpicks, at least i didn't see any...
Now for the good stuff.
So I thought this poem was good, romantic, No wait very romantic...
Alright well I think that's about it.
Keep up the good writing,
Love,
Dogsrule5.
P.S. That example about the pie, was made up, I mean I like it, but I don't love it plus I don't like a lot of flavors of pie. XD! Talk to you later.
Salutations
This is a very sombre poem, but it is nevertheless very well written. You have my condolences concerning the topic.
This already leads the reader to anticipate the events of the conclusion. It is also an interesting image.
Doubting in this context means he (the speaker) thinks his situation is real, but wondering would be more appropriate, as it makes him question the reality of his situation and makes him wonder if it isn't simply a dream.
You used an incorrect preposition here, since it should be into instead of just to.
I understand what you are trying to say, but perhaps you could word it better.
I understand that this entire poem is basically an example of "super-enjambment", but why does the space between the paragraphs have to be so large? It is unnatural and actually interrupts the flow of the poem.
I think you should replace the underlined with revelled in. It is a stylistic preference, so it is not mandatory.
Note how and, though and but are all conjunctions, and you use them to extend the sentence, yet you do not resolve this "continuation" which makes the sentence not only seem incomplete, but actually be incomplete. You need to remove the but or add to the sentence in order to correct this error.
WHy did you use the underlined? There is nothing grmmatically wrong with it, but when read in context, it seems odd; why would you introduce such an archaic contraction this far into the poem when tehre was no indication beforehand that you would use it? I am afraid you cannot simply use it because you want to sound "fancy".
Again, we have the archaic vocabulary, except this time it is a pronoun. I do not think it fits with this poem.
If this has indeed happened to you muliple times, then I am truly sorry.
The pronoun his is missing here.
While this is a solemn poem about heartbreak and human hesitation, you have written it with superb skill. The mistakes I indicated are all technicalities, and though that annoys some people, it is the only thing with which I could find fault, so well done concerning that. As for your love, may she one day grant you your wish... and may that day come soon, for everyone deserves to be loved.
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