Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
layers of talcum powder beautified her broken face.
a punch of blood red blush blossomed under her pale white cheeks.
black coal smeared under her swollen teary eyes.
hair pulled up in a bun nesting the raven.
bitter cherry lips whispering to the deaf.
fingers twirling, calculating the distance
the distance, that repulsed faith and trust
replaced by the rules
for believers and worshipers
“distance, a mere number”, I say.
Like the pop of a bubble, she snorts.
Distance…..is designed by the imposters
Distance…… you’ll never know if they miss you or forget you.
"were you forgotten?" I ask.
she stares at the miraged horizon, lost.
the carved golden frame held her posture
as she hung loosely on the wall of spotlight
caring less to be bought.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
"And the title is the name of the painting, Lilly is the name of the girl in the painting, Lilliput is where she is from and she is lost. xD I actually wanted to write few lines about Lilliput and then about Lilly and then why she's lost. But... So, yea." -Dreamy
IKNEWITWASAPAINTINGYAYAAYAYAYAYMY"DECODING"DIDN'TFAILFORONCE!!!
AWESOME JOB!
Haha! Congrats and thank you for the review.
Sure!
Hi, Dreamy! Here to review your poem, as promised!
.
(Ok, a bit late, but all's well that ends well, am I right?Nitpicks:
1) a punch of blood red blush blossomed under her pale white cheeks.
I think there should be a dash between blood and red, so it should look like:
a punch of blood-red blush blossomed under her pale white cheeks.
2) caring less to be bought
I felt like there should be more of the poem after this because there was no period. I suggest putting a period at the end of your poem, to give it a sense of finality so I don't feel like there should be more.
Well, there's really not much else I can say in terms of nitpicks. I figured I probably shouldn't repeat what other people already wrote, so I'll just say that I agree with a lot of what rhiasofia said in her review.
At first, I thought this poem was about a girl who had been shot, and an onlooker contemplating her being, but as the poem progressed, I got more and more confused. Certainly do not take this as an insult; I am quite dense when it comes to "decoding" poetry. All I'm trying to say is I would LOVE to know what you meant by this poem, and would really appreciate it if you replied telling me
This poem used really excellent imagery, and great vocabulary. I very much enjoyed it. I especially liked how you made her seem lost, even though to me, it seemed like she wasn't even alive anymore. My favorite lines were:
“distance, a mere number”, I say.
Like the pop of a bubble, she snorts.
Distance…..is designed by the imposters
Distance…… you’ll never know if they miss you or forget you.
"were you forgotten?" I ask.
she stares at the miraged horizon, lost.
the carved golden frame held her posture
as she hung loosely on the wall of spotlight
caring less to be bought
After rereading the poem, I have a strange notion that you are talking about a painting. Please tell me, I'm dying!
I really loved those lines I copied; the ending was for sure my favorite part. Great job!
Overall rating: 8.5/10
Keep writing!
+1
Hello, rhia here to review the poem I pulled from the wizard's hat.
I'll start with nitpicks.
First, the title. Usually all the words are capitalized in a title, but I suppose that's up to you. What I really wanted to point out is that "Lily" is only spelled with one "l", as it is the abbreviation of the scientific genus Lilium
Alright, the flow of the first five or so lines is very choppy compared to the rest. The lines of poems don't all have to be full sentences. You used full sentences for these first lines, then started using more enjambment and line breaks. I wouldn't do so many full sentence lines one after the other, and then change the sentence structure so much, because it makes it difficult to read, and takes away so much flow.
Maybe "beneath" instead of "under", to carry on the nice alliteration you have going?Especially since you repeat "under" in the next line. Try not to repeat words like that, especially in shorter poems.
Y'know, after you use the pronoun "her" in the first line, we understand that the subject is a girl. With "her" repeated again and again in each line, it adds even more to the chopiness. Try reading it with less of those "her"s, you might find that you prefer the flow.
I think that there should be a period at the end of this line.
This is really nitpicky, but this is sort of a pet peeve of mine, so I have to point it out. Ellipses are technically only three consecutive periods. When you add more to it, it doesn't add any emphasis to the pause. It looks sort of tacky, like doing more than one exlamation point in a row. Our english teachers always told us that repeating exclamation points is a no-no, so I'm going to extend that over to ellipses as well. I won't copy and paste it as another point here, but the line after this one also used more that three periods in its ellipses.
Bolded needs to be in quotations.
The end uses some really awesome imagery, it was very dramatic and I liked it a lot. Overall pretty good, I hope my nipicks were helpful.
I see your point. Thank you for the review.
This is quite a unique work. will give a detailed review late night
Hey there Dreamy! After reading the poem a couple of times over, here's what I think:
I enjoyed reading this. While describing the woman in the painting, you create suspense for the reader that makes it all the more lovely.
Now, some corrections and suggestions :
How about wrinkled instead of broken? I think it would have a better impact here in this line.
Coal or kohl? You decide.
You have something here, but I honestly couldn't comprehend what kind of distance was being described here. What exactly is she measuring? Try using words that clarify this.
I think it may be like the pop of a bubble, since you're referring to the characteristic sound of a bubble popping. The is the article used with these type of nouns. For example : the push of a button, the ring of a bell etc.
Wow. Just wow.
Wow is the word again.
Bottomline : You're a damn fine poet, Dreamy, did you know that? xD
Keep writing
s
P.S : What does the title refer to?
*flips hair* No, I did not know that. Thank you, though. xD I'm all smiling, now.
About the suggestions, (I believe this doesn't get very long) uh, I didn't say "wrinkled" because, she's not old but broken. The birth of this poem happened because of my fondness towards gypsies, witches and hippies. If you look closer into their circle, its often the young people who are involved in these things and it amused me. Witches, in the other hand, well I never understood this theory, when a guy walks around with long hair and with his body covered in ash, he's called "Yogi" but when a girls does that, she's a witch.
And the title is the name of the painting, Lilly is the name of the girl in the painting, Lilliput is where she is from and she is lost. xD I actually wanted to write few lines about Lilliput and then about Lilly and then why she's lost. But... So, yea.
I better leave you alone. Thank you so much for the review and sorry for the unintentional rant. xD
Ah, but there was no way a reader can know that the woman is a gypsy, a witch or a hippie.
The coal in context to eyes burning is quite an original idea, but the words you've used don't hint at the fire or burning. Same is the case with distance, the reader will need more hints to decipher that.
Looking forward to your next poem! c:
She was supposed to be a witch, but according to this poem she's just a painting. You are right about the other things, I just got carried away and I'm weak in vocabulary, so that might be the reason why I'm unclear with my poems.
Anyways, thank you for your time and review.
Happy poeting.
Hi Dreamy, have a nice day!
To be honest it was very exciting to read. Mysterious and very attractive to me. Never mention about grammar/rule of punctuation although it looks a bit odd if it is ignored. But I understand, it depends on you.
I think it's better you put quotation marks here.
I was just wondering about the character that you create and also the theme you want to manifest. It's still a bit vague. However, I was captivated by the diction you use. It was awesome. Keep writing!
It was supposed to be vague, given the situation, ya know.
I think I failed in expressing the story in it. I just got carried away, and in the end, I was unsure of how to end, but I thought the last line gives an idea of what this is really about. Since, it didn't....the woman is a painting, and the speaker is talking to the painting, the speaker thinks that the painting emphasis the situation she's in.
I believe this clears things up, also thank you for the nitpick and for your time. c:
Happy poeting.
I really like this poem. I get the idea that it is some kind of ancient times slavery trade thing? Okay, criticism time!
Now, I don't know very much about poetry, so correct me if I'm wrong, but should you not have capitals at the beginning of each line? Or at least most of them, especially when they come after a line with a full stop at the end.
The line in italics ... Is that about the girl?
Also, "as she hung loosely on the wall of spotlight". What does this mean? A tapestry? Is she being hung?
Altogether, I liked this poem, and think you have very good potential as a poet.
Capitalising the first letter of the first word in a line is one's own preference in poetry, as far as I'm aware of. And, nope this isn't about slavery. The woman in the poem is not a real woman but a painting. It's a painting which goes by the title "lost lilly of Lilliput" and the speaker is talking to the painting. And yes, the italics belongs to the woman in the painting, I didn't want to quote her because, she is not really talking, its all in the speaker's head.
I believe this clears things up. Thank you for your time. c: