Disclaimer: Readers told me that this is necessary, so yeah. This may be a bit disturbing
"Cut the pinkie off!"
The voice screams,
Right in our ears.
It's the money,
Making us face our fears.
Two men,
About to cut off their pinkies.
First one to do it,
Wins the money.
I am ready,
To make the chop.
He is prepared too,
Nothing to make us stop.
"GO!"
I push the blade down,
With my eyes closed.
Blood splatters on my face,
And all over my clothes.
"TIE!"
No way,
That this is a tie!
One of us had to win,
Without any lies.
I open my eyes,
And look at him.
He stands tall,
Face looking grim.
The other is crying,
Screaming in pain.
By the way this is going,
Our future seems faint.
"This can't end in a tie, so let's break this!"
He slams two platters,
Of meat on the table.
Not chicken or beef,
But his dog, Able.
"First one to finish it all."
We look at each other,
In disgust.
This is horrible,
But finish it, I must.
In the end,
One of us has to win.
The man starts laughing,
"Let the feast begin!"
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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137,783 Literary Works • 672,066 Reviews
Wow. That was cruel to the characters, but really good. Also very creepy. Creepy Creepy Creepy. I liked it a lot. It's eerie as well. Same thing as creepy, but not the same word. Dang, that was an awesome poem. Do another one of these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello, strangelove! Unknown391625 here with a review!
This is a very dark poem. I LOVE IT! The title intrigued me. I wanted to read it SO bad. And when I did, I was shocked. I thought to myself, this is amazing! I love the ending line, let he feast begin. I thought it was a great way to end off this poem. Great job! Standing ovation for you! I will look out for other poems and stories by you. Don't give up and always write, strangelove!
-Unknown391625
Hello, Strangelove. This is Margo here for a review.
Nothing like a nice bit of dark humour with my nightime tea. Mmmm good. I like how you bolded the twisted gamer's voice in this poem. Your ryhme scheme, which at first glance appears to be random, does actually have a scheme to it. You've ryhmed the second and last lines of every other stanza. I can't say I've ever seen a scheme like this before. It works. I like the satirical angle of this as well. This poem makes it seem as though it is perfectly okay that two human beings are mutilating themselves for money. You have adequately unveiled the greediness of the human race. Bravo!
There are a few spots where I would modify the ryhme for better flow. I would maybe reword the fifth stanza. Perhaps something along these lines:
No way!
This isn't a tie!
The gamer is lying!
The game IS a lie!
The third and first could also use a little tweaking. My advice would be to shorten lines so the stanza rolls of the tongue better. For example the lines "Right in our ears" should have a similar number of syllabols as the line "Making us face our fears." Experiment a little with this and see how you like the result. A good work is never finished! Keep exposing the flaws of the human race in poetic form, my friend! We humans can't improve if we don't know what's wrong! The poetic angle of the exposure dampens the blow rather nicely. Haha. Until next time.
Its a good poem but it seems it is disturbing just to be disturbing. Not to mean thats a bad thing at all but it could do with a bit more info on the men, even if it's just a bit more. A sense of place would also help.
Well, no. I didn't mean this to be disturbing just for the sake of being disturbing. It just came out disturbing.
If I meant it to be disturbing, it would of been more disturbing
i believe in you, make Stephen King cringe!
Hey, Strange.
I have no idea what to say about this. It's not terrible, but the subject matter is so weird that all I can do is sit here and look puzzled.
The thing that bothered me most is that the two men would cut off their pinkies before they would eat a dog. I mean, it's cooked, right? If it's not, you should mention that. Not to say I'd cut off my pinkie before I ate raw dog. Like reallY?? I'm just shaking my head.
I think you should mention the amount of money, and why it is needed, as that would give more context for the senseless self mutilation and dog eating. Of course, you might have wanted it to sound ridiculous and strange because it is satire, after all.
The use of bold is nice. It gives kind of an arena like feel, with an announcer and everything.
Your point of view switches. At times it seems that the narrator is a bystander (especially after they cut their pinkies off), so I'd try to fix that weirdness.
Altogether, I really didn't know what to think of this. It's just kinda... I have no clue. Anyway, I hope that this review proves at least a little helpful to you. Happy writing!