Chances are, if something's wrong, you need to think about this poem again.
Drinking failure,
From a carton.
A product of life,
Persona non grata.
Individual thoughts,
Laughs at own jokes.
Considered awkward,
And a bloke.
Does things,
With out thought.
Complains,
Quite a lot.
Enjoys life,
From simple things.
Has lack of closure,
And loves playing.
He enjoys simple rhyming,
Who could this man be?
Take a wild guess,
It's
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I was just wondering, but what does "Persona Non Grata" mean? Sorry if it's obvious or something...
<3
I love the rhyming on the third...paragraph? I don't really know what you call it in poetry... Sorry I am not a poet, but I love poetry. It's kind of weird...
I know this is something a novelist would say, and I am not sure if you meant to do this or anything, but your words are repetitive. Such as is (paragraph) two and three you said thought twice. Then again on paragraphs three and four you used things twice. Sorry, if you meant to do that by the way...
keep up the AWESOME writing!
Persona Non Grata literally means a person not welcome
And that is, somewhat. What rhymes rhymes.
Thanks for the review!
Your welcome! <3
Me? As in you? As in... Yeah.
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
Now, the wording you have here is simple, yet effective, although you disrupt the flow with adding in commas that aren't needed. Just think commas are used for a pause or a break in a sentence - the denouement is an example of this:
That disrupts the flow of enjambment, as you wouldn't pause while half way through this sentence, whereas the rest of your lines are perfectly fine. If you read it out aloud and see where commas are needed - and where there not - then the flow of your poem will run smoother.
I would say that the use of enjambment is used to show the on going role or position that you are in, as you are telling me as a reader how you are, presumably, as a person. You are quite quirky in how you put things as the reader can relate to how you feel, especially when you put:
So I've done a little research and I found out what 'Persona non grata' means: 'an unacceptable or unwelcome person.' This is a very powerful term that is used in your poem that made me as a reader develop sympathy for the person telling this poem (which is obviously you). Now the point of your poem is clear, which is that you are supposedly an 'outcast', as you are classed as 'awkward'.
I really enjoyed your style of writing.
Well done! Keep up the good work.
This Avalon and this is going to be a quick review.
This is really simple and really to the point, it ultimately describes you, which I feel could be longer in terms of stanzas. Go on to describe what else you like, what are your dreams, your friends, and other such stuff. I do have a small quick nitpick and that comes in at the third stanza.
"Enjoys life,
From simple things.
Has lack of closure,
And loves playing."
Playing and things do not rhyme because of the word choice. "Playing" is two syllibals and "Things" is one. Reconsider the word choice here to amend this.
This has been Avalon and this was your quick review.
Uh, so, uh, no personal thoughts? Thanks for the review, but I'm sorry but just confused about that one stanza. Like, they do somewhat rhyme
In a cop out sort of way
Thanks for the review, I seriously mean it