Bitter blood thin as those who choke on it,
biting the figurative gun which holds all power;
and walking every waking hour
with hopes and dreams without wit.
Controlled by those with actual grit;
those who follow often cower
at the site of those who tower,
and follow the formulaic society but don’t quit.
Of course, those do try to fight back
and often get murdered, beaten;
a desolate land filled with a million of dead “cretins”,
or those who just aren’t on track.
Ten strong powers sit in a 400 foot office space,
wondering what they did to kill the human race.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,784 Literary Works • 672,764 Reviews
Hey Strange! Lupin here. All the problem areas that I came across have been previously mentioned, so there's no point in me going over that. I'll just mention what I enjoyed here.
To me, this first stanza was definitely the strongest, however the lack of set rhythm took away from the enjoyment of reading it aloud. However, the last two lines are amazing. Wow.
I would consider this work a draft, it has loads of potential so definitely consider refining it and including a more effective rhythm.
Lupin
A draft? Really? I feel somewhat insulted.
Thanks for the review!
I recanted a lot of my arguments but this one stays
You didn't present an argument. Sorry for any offence caused.
I didn't, that is true, but to clarify what I mean:
I find no offense from the review, just the comment about it still being a draft. That always irks me.
Thank you!
An interesting attempt at a sonnet - I like the vocabulary that is in use and the fast paced story behind it. However this lacks in iambic pentameter - for it to be Shakespearean the rhythm needs to be a certain amount of syllables and stresses are needed to help with it. I can't tell what type of sonnet you have done here since the rhyming scheme is not of which I have experienced (unless I'm dumb and this is the Italian guys version) Other than that, I have no other problems with it. I really like your idea and I think that it has the potential to make a pretty strong sonnet. Just look up the type of sonnet you are using and check its rules. An interesting read -Marshymallow
Spenser sonnet if I recall correctly, which has no iambic pentameter.
Thanks for the review!
Actually, I refute that, it often varies. I decided not to use iambic pentameter. Sorry!
*recant, not refute
Okay
Hello there,
This is a pretty food sonnet with good rhymes, but it lacks a set rhythm (possibly the "missing element" from Reet's review) Most sonnets have a specific rhythm, such as iambic pentameter and having the same number of syllables in each line. I am clearly not an expert, so I suggest looking into sonnets and rhythm a little bit more before believing me, but I suggest changing the phrasing a bit and adding/subtracting some syllables to make an even rhythm. While the poem looks great in written form, try reading it aloud to see what places seem a little bit strange to read and fix them.
I like how you didn't capitalise the beginning of each line. Most people do it, but it's not necessarily needed, sometimes even not wanted. The topic of the poem was very intriguing as well.
Overall, good job! Just look into the rhythm and syllables a bit.
-Falco
Alright, there are over five patterns of sonnets, but only one (Shakespearian) uses Iambic Pentameter. This, if I remember correctly, followed Spenser so there's no set rhythm. Syllables that usually matters, well, doesn't.
Thanks for the review!
Wait, refute that, I just didn't use iambic pentameter because I am a rebel and conformity is a way to death.
Sorry!
*recant, not refute
Heyyy.
Okay, a sonnet has a fixed rhyme scheme and you followed that well. Good job, just somehow, I felt there was a missing element, something that's always there in sonnets. It simply didn't feel like a sonnet to me, or maybe I am not to good with poems :p
Anyways, I understood this, KIND OF, you know my version of this would be different from yours, so I'd like you to tell me what you thought of when you wrote this.
"and often get murdered, beaten;
a desolate land filled with a million of dead “cretins”,"
Missing rhyme here, I guess? beaten and cretins? Doesn't sound the same. Though I liked this line a lot
Cool work, I suck at poetry, so you're way better than me haha.
Keep writing and stay blessed xoxo