True Love's Kiss~Chapter One and A Half

by CesareBorgia

Published June 11, 2014

In Unfinished Works

Word count: 1011

-ONE AND A HALF-

I started to walk back to the castle. Beast followed me, but I didn't care what he had to say, or if he had anything worth saying.

Mud streaked my face, and I stared back at the black void that blocked the gates. It withered into the air, and I knew that I would have to find a different way, but how?

-PAST-

I held my book in my hands, ignoring the expletives that were fired at me from the ignorant men that filled my boat. Their voices were slurred with whiskey.

"So, princess, where do we find the Yalogui?" one of them asked.

I looked at the page of the book, and told the man a bold faced lie, "It is inhabited in the mountains."

"Thanks princess, but we have no use for you anymore." he said, throwing me out of the moving van. My face scraped against the ground. A cut ran down my knees, as I limped away.

"There so gulliable." I whispered as I set for the path of the Yalogui.

* * *

I stood before a dark cave. My feet crunched on the gravel. There was a voice coming from inside the cave. It was slurred like a mans is when he drinks whiskey.

I walked back, as the monster exited the cave. Fire engulfed his body, but it didn't seem to bother him. I let out a shrill scream, as it charged towards me. The Yalogui lifted it's head back in a loud roar.

"Stop!" a voice yelled. A warrior spewed from the trees. She had a scabbard attached to her iron-plated armor. Quickly, she took her sword out of ger pocket, and slashed at the monster. She was too late.

The Yalogui ran into a grassy meadow, as the sun issued flames on his body. He let out another roar, and ran back over to the cave. The breeze lifted my golden dress into the air, as it went to hide back in the cave.

"Great, you let it get away!" the woman yelled.

"Sorry, may I ask, who are exactly are you?"

"I am Mulan," she said, musingly swiping her black, corkscrew curls, over to the side of her head.

"Why are you searching for the Yalogui?" I asked her.

"Because, he's not what you think he is. He is the one destined to save Princess Aurora." she said.

"So he is Prince Phillip then, I presume." I said, hoping I was right.

"You are, how do you know that, that is not knowledge of the commonwealth. Who exactly are you?" Mulan asked, placing her sword back into her scabbard.

"I am Belle, I don't know my fate, but I work for the king and queen."

"I know, you should be careful, Regina is after you. If you aren't cautious, she will rip your heart out." Mulan said.

"Yes, I know. Her mom is rumoured to be the Queen of Hearts, from Wonderland." I said, in a matter-of-fact tone.

"I don't know who you are, but your not just any person." Mulan said, as she bagan to succumb into the ominous forest. She looked back at me, and beckoned me over.

"Come." she said.

"Why, I thought that you don't want to accompany me." I relied.

"Yes, but you tracked the Yalogui in a matter of days, it took me approxiametly three weeks, just to find out he was a beast of fire." Mulan said, "How do you do it?"

"I read alot, I find out about my quest, before I start out on my journey." I said, nonchalantly, as if it was very simple.

"Here, take this." Mulan said, handing my a small spatha.

"Use this to defend against the---"

"Yes, I know," I interreputed," The Spatha is rumored for it's abilities to show ones greatest fears."

"Well then, let's get going." Mulan commanded, as we walked into the sloshy, wet forest.

* * *

I sat, secluded in the Beast's library, reading books. Trying to find a way out of this fate, and into the world I belong in.

I opened up a book with a dark green spine, and a magenta red cover, opening to a page with the image of a beast. It was drawn with a dark, charcoal pencil. Opening to the next page, I found a title that said, 'How to Defeat A Beast.'

I read on, and I quickly found out that one must love someone that is our true love, right before the beast is killed. His fate is sealed in a black rose, that loses one thorn, each year he os unable to acquire a true love.

But when the beast has founded a woman who loves him like she does, a thorn is gained back. The thorn is always found in an attic, and if it leaves the area it is inhabited in, it withers in the wind.

I walked over to the beast's bed room, opening it with a small crack. He slept soundly in his human form. Then I stared up at the midnight moon, and he began to morph back into a beast.

I quickly ran into the attic, my high heels, clanking on the hard, linoleum floor. They echoed into the vast castle, as I searched for the attic.

I saw a door, vines surrounded the outer rim of the door, and I quietly walked over to it. The door was locked, and I twisted it over to the left, using all my might.

The door handle fell to the ground, clattering and rolling on the cinnamon brown floor, lined with dust, and debris.

I quietly opened the door, and closed it behind me. I stared at a strange vase, that held a dark, disdained rose.

It glowed with an opalescent light, and I shuddered as I felt a sudden change of air. A dark hole filled the wall, and I ran back over to the door. But it was locked.

I screamed, and screamed, but it seem that no one could hear me.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
truealpha
Review
truealpha wrote a review Review · Jun 18, 2014

well I'm here do a little review here again. As you know I read the first one and reviewed that one to.

well the pacing of the story seems to be coming along decently. I personally like the title it kind of fits the fairy tail esk.

There are somethings though, when your writing about the past I suggest you put how long it was like. Like months, day, hours something like that.

Also i saw some grammatical errors. Not big ones just simple ones. For one a lot isn't actually one whole word. So yea don't use alot but do use 'a lot'.

Also this section right here=


"So he is Prince Phillip then, I presume." I said, hoping I was right.

"You are, how do you know that, that is not knowledge of the commonwealth

The part were you wrote "yea you are" after 'I said, hoping I was right' kind of breaks the forth wall a bit. Unless she knew what he was hoping that part doesn't really make much sense.

I also suggest you proof read your story before you submit it because I saw you typed os when I think you wanted to write 'is'. So proof readings in your favor to avoid little mistakes like that.

well keep writing

User avatar
WillowPaw1
Review
WillowPaw1 wrote a review Review · Jun 12, 2014

Hi!

All right, let's start the review! I've already read the first chapter, but it had three or so reviews already so yup. :D

First of all: in your title, you need an apostrophe in Loves. ;)

Now! This will be shocking, but I'pl just get it over with: I haven't really read/watched Beauty & The Beast. I know Belle is the beauty and there is this teacup and candle or something but that's all I know. xD It may be a little hard to review, but I'll try.

I really like this, and I really really liked how you incorporated other fairy tale characters in it. It reminds me of these books called the Sisters Grimm, which is about two girls that are descendants from the Brothers Grimm, and they become fairy tale detectives and yeah. But anyways, I like the idea of the incorporation of other characters.

You've probably been told this a lot, and I think I told you this in my Vampiral review, but your vocabulary is really good! It's very strong and you know a lot of words.

There were a couple nitpicks and small grammar mistakes, like:

"There so gulliable."


*they're or they are *gullible

And a few others.

I got a little confused with the change in tenses when it went to that -PAST- thing. Maybe I'm just lacking information on the fairy tale? I don't know. :P

Anyways~ Hope this helps!

~WillowPaw1 :)

Random avatar
dawny9791
Review
dawny9791 wrote a review Review · Jun 12, 2014

This was really good. I know that I used to watch Once Upon a time, and you characterized the character perfectly - it was like I was watching the dhow in my brain (as ridiculous as that sounds.) I love your description and word choice, a few words a kind of in weird places, but over all it was great. The only big thing that I found, is that I was really confused on the first few sentences - the ones right before the flash back... But over all, like I said, I really loved it!

User avatar
Cithara
Review
Cithara wrote a review Review · Jun 11, 2014

Great Chapter One and a Half :)
There were a few typos and extra commas, stuff that needs to be changed, but nothing major:

"Sorry, may I ask, who are exactly are you?"
There's an extra 'are' in there

"I don't know who you are, but your not just any person." your needs to be changed to 'you're'

There's others, but these two I saw right away.
Also in this sentence: "she bagan to succumb into the ominous forest. She looked back at me, and beckoned me over." Began is spelled wrong, and I'm not sure "succumb" is the right word here. Succumb means "fail to resist." Maybe you could say, "She began to walk into the ominous forest." Obviously that's not the best word, but succumb doesn't fit there, I don't think.
Now, I love the plot! I honestly want you to post more of this story!! Great description and word choice



If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang